Today while I was attending Pentecost Mass I received a text message on my phone. I was able to see it during Mass since I had to check if I had turned it off.
Normally I never do this, but this time I truly felt I had left it on.
It had message from the national director of our agency.
It said:
"Now that I have more information I am certain neither baby if for you. I will keep my eyes open for you".
I trembled when I saw this and some tears were near my eyes, but I also felt peace and was able to continue with Mass.
The yearning to grow our family is stronger than ever and somehow it grows each day.
But since I knew that this woman at the agency is a person that prays and I saw God`s hand so very very clearly in choosing JM for us that I know its God`s wish.
The homily had been beautiful and had reminded me so very much of my experiences with the Holy Spirit.
During college and for some 7 years afterward I belonged to a Catholic Charismatic community that prayed each Saturday at each others house and also during this time I was able to attend several summers at ND, while on a special program.
It was a Catholic program for leadership that was held there in which the program directors did an imposition of hands after a talk with the Holy Spirit at the end of the program .
I had many amazing experiences during and after these talks that I have in my heart forever.
Gifts of the Holy Spirit such as great consolations, gift of tears, hearing, understanding and speaking tongues, etc. Things that my Jesuit upbringing had a very hard time with.
It was much later that after spiritual direction that I understood them and saw them as what they were, pure gifts and manifestations from God.
Well these times were extremely healing for me, with tremendous peace and strenght and somehow in all of this I had forgotten them. IF makes us many times forget the experiences that we have lived before of God´s Mercy and love and these clearly were.
So today we received these news I prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and wisdom and had such Peace it could only come from Him. Peace is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit so I am sure it was this.
The priest had also mentioned that one of the traditional gifts from the Holy Spirt is fortitude (strenght) and I prayed for this specifically to continue to build our family.
For all those that prayed for us thank you for the bottom of our hearts. The agency is working now on finding homes for these 2 little baby boys and I hope to have some good news about them very soon.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Potential adoption situation for us???
The last few weeks my heart has been up and down in terms of growing our family.
We have now moved and have the space for another child, JM will soon start going to some type of kindergarten (one that is for children his age) and both my DH and I are more than ready.
I knew full well nothing would happen before JM turned 2, because the law here states that the child needs to be that age before another placement can happen.
Since this happened 1 month ago all my emotional barriers came .tumbling down.
The yearning to grow our family that has become very, very strong. i had buried all of this since I knew it only would hurt me.
Somehow his birthday in my mind opened the flood gates of my heart again.
So last week I contact our adoption agency to follow up on some courses they are again asking us to take and ask the person in charge how our process is going.
We still have some paperwork and tests pending, but we have not received any communication from them and I am starting to wonder.
I ask about our Psychological evaluation which I think will be in the next days and she gives me an appointment for end of September.
I am left speechless. I have her repeat this.
We should be nearing the end of the process I tell her, but this cannot be true.
We still have the medical tests, the paperwork of no jail records, the social work visit and they cannot take place until this evaluation happens.
She tells me no.
Actually they are delaying most people another 6 to 12 months. Now that abortion is rampant here the numbers of women open to adoption has plummeted, but also there are now waiting lists for years and years.
My heart breaks.
She tells me to expect to be able to adopt next year around February or March.
And this is only to be ready with paperwork, from there it can take another 6 months for placement.
All seems so dark.
This means in practical terms due to our ages that this will be our last adoption.
I will be 43 by the time this happens and my DH 46.
This also happened the same week, on my 4th Femara Cycle where there was zero CM.
ZERO!
Great hormones, great follicle, no cm.... so I am an anomaly (this rarely happens on Fermara and specially with such great hormones) and now the doctor wants to switch me to to high dose Clomid next cycles.... biological parenthood seems now farther away than ever in my mind.
All of this at the very same time makes me so mad at our IF.
And the same week I find out about several unexpected and in some cases unwanted pregnancies. Arghhhh.
So it was not the easiest of weeks
So yesterday I speak with the national director from our adoption agency about the project that I am helping them with and she asks how we are doing in our process.
She has no control over our adoption process locally so I open my heart and tell her how frustrating all of this has been and specially that we did not expect this. From thinking we could be parents middle of this year to knowing it could take a year or more broke my heart.
She explains to me the situation Mexico City adoptions are facing since is there where abortion has been legal the longest.
Since 2007.
International money, a lot from US clinics and agencies, flowing into Mexico to promote abortion and emergency contraception and women not knowing they have an option in them.
After we talk about something else and the she asks me out of the blue if my DH and I would be willing and able to travel for an adoption.
I laugh. We would go to the end of the earth to be parents again.
We have traveled to a foreign country to have an operation with no insurance and full of uncertainty so doing this would be a piece of cake compared to that.
Also if we would be open for another baby boy, since she knew of our preference for a baby girl.
Well we would always loved to have one (several actually) of each sex, but we cannot love JM any more, so yes to both.
She tells me she just received the case of 2 male babies available for adoption in a city in the north of Mexico.
The agency is there and their house filled to capacity via the project I am helping them with, but does not have the parents with all the paperwork ready. They have the couples willing to adopt, but the paperwork that certifies them as adoptive parents is not ready and they cannot have the babies waiting.
She has been asked to find homes in another city. She is starting to look for them today.
I am left speechless as she mentions this and also the city..
This city she mentions where the 2 baby boys are has a long history with my family.
My mom lived there for many years, her only brother who died a few years ago was born there (actually is the city where my grandmother overcame her own secondary IF after 8 years) , my sister in law is from there also and the most shocking part of the story....
my sister in laws very close family members helped build this branch of our agency.
Actually her brother in law sister is the director of the agency.
My God!
I did not know/ remember any of this until my mom mentioned it yesterday.
So the national director tells me to send her ASAP pictures of JM, to talk with DH and to start praying.
Its a very, very long shot, but tells me now that my DH and I are willing to travel and adopt in other states (most couples cannot do it due to their jobs, financial situation or some other issue) she will keep her eyes open.
She tells me we are a rare case to be so open and willing to do this and that she will help us.
She tells me actually knowing this helps her and the agency since many times they are faced with this issue with the smaller cities and they are always having to search heaven and earth for families that are ready.
She will ask for pictures of the babies (its the policy of the agency to foster integration that the children somewhat resemble the adoptive parents and most specially the first child ) and then also the legal implications of adopting there.
She will wait for Monday and tell us that day if there is a real possibility.
Once we know this we can start checking if we can move our paper work here fast enough to be able to do it. Both things have to work in tandem.
Today I tell my brother all of this and his wife starts telling we have a home there at her parents house, that she knows the director very, very well , but also that she knows the legal firm that handles all adoptions.
The director is a close family friend of her and does pro bono work for our agency. They could tell us in an instant all the legal risks, paperwork needed, etc
I had no idea. And I am so moved.
She will do all in her power to help us adopt in her native city.
She can start calling Monday. WOW.
So this weekend we pray. Pray that if any of these little baby boys is meant for us that all doors open (its still a very, very long shot ) and in case none of them are for us, that they find loving families very soon so they do not have to spend another night away from the families God intended for them.
My hope is renewed after a very hard week (months actually) and I feel again God is in control and He will provide.
I have a very strong devotion to the Holy Spirit and have had amazing spiritual experiences of His love so I feel an amazing peace this is happening this weekend.
I am anxious of course, but also with a true sense of peace. DH is holding all in his heart, but you can tell he is excited.
I know God always has been there, but my humanity and own temperament gets the best of me and sometimes I forget
If you can spare a prayer for these 2 little boys I will be forever grateful.
Holy Spirt! Guide all involved in this!
We have now moved and have the space for another child, JM will soon start going to some type of kindergarten (one that is for children his age) and both my DH and I are more than ready.
I knew full well nothing would happen before JM turned 2, because the law here states that the child needs to be that age before another placement can happen.
Since this happened 1 month ago all my emotional barriers came .tumbling down.
The yearning to grow our family that has become very, very strong. i had buried all of this since I knew it only would hurt me.
Somehow his birthday in my mind opened the flood gates of my heart again.
So last week I contact our adoption agency to follow up on some courses they are again asking us to take and ask the person in charge how our process is going.
We still have some paperwork and tests pending, but we have not received any communication from them and I am starting to wonder.
I ask about our Psychological evaluation which I think will be in the next days and she gives me an appointment for end of September.
I am left speechless. I have her repeat this.
We should be nearing the end of the process I tell her, but this cannot be true.
We still have the medical tests, the paperwork of no jail records, the social work visit and they cannot take place until this evaluation happens.
She tells me no.
Actually they are delaying most people another 6 to 12 months. Now that abortion is rampant here the numbers of women open to adoption has plummeted, but also there are now waiting lists for years and years.
My heart breaks.
She tells me to expect to be able to adopt next year around February or March.
And this is only to be ready with paperwork, from there it can take another 6 months for placement.
All seems so dark.
This means in practical terms due to our ages that this will be our last adoption.
I will be 43 by the time this happens and my DH 46.
This also happened the same week, on my 4th Femara Cycle where there was zero CM.
ZERO!
Great hormones, great follicle, no cm.... so I am an anomaly (this rarely happens on Fermara and specially with such great hormones) and now the doctor wants to switch me to to high dose Clomid next cycles.... biological parenthood seems now farther away than ever in my mind.
All of this at the very same time makes me so mad at our IF.
And the same week I find out about several unexpected and in some cases unwanted pregnancies. Arghhhh.
So it was not the easiest of weeks
So yesterday I speak with the national director from our adoption agency about the project that I am helping them with and she asks how we are doing in our process.
She has no control over our adoption process locally so I open my heart and tell her how frustrating all of this has been and specially that we did not expect this. From thinking we could be parents middle of this year to knowing it could take a year or more broke my heart.
She explains to me the situation Mexico City adoptions are facing since is there where abortion has been legal the longest.
Since 2007.
International money, a lot from US clinics and agencies, flowing into Mexico to promote abortion and emergency contraception and women not knowing they have an option in them.
After we talk about something else and the she asks me out of the blue if my DH and I would be willing and able to travel for an adoption.
I laugh. We would go to the end of the earth to be parents again.
We have traveled to a foreign country to have an operation with no insurance and full of uncertainty so doing this would be a piece of cake compared to that.
Also if we would be open for another baby boy, since she knew of our preference for a baby girl.
Well we would always loved to have one (several actually) of each sex, but we cannot love JM any more, so yes to both.
She tells me she just received the case of 2 male babies available for adoption in a city in the north of Mexico.
The agency is there and their house filled to capacity via the project I am helping them with, but does not have the parents with all the paperwork ready. They have the couples willing to adopt, but the paperwork that certifies them as adoptive parents is not ready and they cannot have the babies waiting.
She has been asked to find homes in another city. She is starting to look for them today.
I am left speechless as she mentions this and also the city..
This city she mentions where the 2 baby boys are has a long history with my family.
My mom lived there for many years, her only brother who died a few years ago was born there (actually is the city where my grandmother overcame her own secondary IF after 8 years) , my sister in law is from there also and the most shocking part of the story....
my sister in laws very close family members helped build this branch of our agency.
Actually her brother in law sister is the director of the agency.
My God!
I did not know/ remember any of this until my mom mentioned it yesterday.
So the national director tells me to send her ASAP pictures of JM, to talk with DH and to start praying.
Its a very, very long shot, but tells me now that my DH and I are willing to travel and adopt in other states (most couples cannot do it due to their jobs, financial situation or some other issue) she will keep her eyes open.
She tells me we are a rare case to be so open and willing to do this and that she will help us.
She tells me actually knowing this helps her and the agency since many times they are faced with this issue with the smaller cities and they are always having to search heaven and earth for families that are ready.
She will ask for pictures of the babies (its the policy of the agency to foster integration that the children somewhat resemble the adoptive parents and most specially the first child ) and then also the legal implications of adopting there.
She will wait for Monday and tell us that day if there is a real possibility.
Once we know this we can start checking if we can move our paper work here fast enough to be able to do it. Both things have to work in tandem.
Today I tell my brother all of this and his wife starts telling we have a home there at her parents house, that she knows the director very, very well , but also that she knows the legal firm that handles all adoptions.
The director is a close family friend of her and does pro bono work for our agency. They could tell us in an instant all the legal risks, paperwork needed, etc
I had no idea. And I am so moved.
She will do all in her power to help us adopt in her native city.
She can start calling Monday. WOW.
So this weekend we pray. Pray that if any of these little baby boys is meant for us that all doors open (its still a very, very long shot ) and in case none of them are for us, that they find loving families very soon so they do not have to spend another night away from the families God intended for them.
My hope is renewed after a very hard week (months actually) and I feel again God is in control and He will provide.
I have a very strong devotion to the Holy Spirit and have had amazing spiritual experiences of His love so I feel an amazing peace this is happening this weekend.
I am anxious of course, but also with a true sense of peace. DH is holding all in his heart, but you can tell he is excited.
I know God always has been there, but my humanity and own temperament gets the best of me and sometimes I forget
If you can spare a prayer for these 2 little boys I will be forever grateful.
Holy Spirt! Guide all involved in this!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Moves, birthdays and changes
The last month has been a roller coaster and today promises to be even more exciting.
Our sons 2nd birthday and a major life change.
A move!
Today of all days we need to pack the whole house! Did not plan it this way, but it has ended up like this.
Here is him at 7 months. Trying to upload the latest pictures but could not!
.
From coming back from a vacation in Peru, to a whirlwind work trip to Las Vegas (a city that always leaves me drained spiritually), to the death of my dear aunt, to packing for a move and many exciting projects at my work where we are helping a major crisis pregnancy network with many women helped so far (and not to mention several amazing Napro pregnancies of my clients!) it has been a month that I will probably never forget.
Today I am sitting saying goodbye to our first home and giving thanks for both the 2nd birthday of my son and the decision of his birthmother (it was a Holy Friday 2 years ago) to give him life and also up for adoption and for the amazing opportunity we had of living almost 5 years in this beautiful home.
The home that saw great joy, also great changes of in our lives and the saddest days of my whole life today helps us celebrate our son.
His 2nd birthday.
The son that has brought us the greatest joy of our lives.
He is now running everywhere, doing all kinds of fun things, semi talking up a storm, loving music, etc. I plan do do a post in the coming days about him. I can just say I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. He gives me energy everyday to fight for life.
In terms of our home.
We had found right before our wedding an apartment with great potential. It had a large garden only for 3 apartments, great view of many trees and was in a very quiet area of the city. A peaceful realm.
But it was very ugly inside.
Before our wedding we made an offer, but the owner suddenly raised the price and we let it go.
When we came back I was driving again in the area and we saw that it was up for sale again and not only that the whole building. So I called the realtor and found out it continued to be up for sale together with the other 2 apartments.
My brother was looking for an apartment and in turn one of his best friends also.
In a matter of 3 days we bought the 3 apartments at the price we wanted and so I ended up living right next to my brother and his wife and one of this best friends for the next years.
And over the course of many months remodeled each and every room. A labor of love and a Titanic task.
During this time my Mother in law and my grandfather both died and in her case we spent a long time in hospitals so we did not have the chance to overlook the architect and then we had a disaster. But finally we were able to move end of 2007 until today.
So each room is us. Every single detail chosen by us and a labor of love.
But the time has come to move.
We are moving not because we do not absolutely love this place, but we need to be closer to family, my work and other things that are good for our son.
Also we need more space in case we are blessed with another baby this year. Our agency is positive we will be parents again in the coming months (could be anywhere from a month to over a year) and I could not bear to move with a newborn.
So we had a buyer who kept calling us for over a year offering to buy and then we found an apartment which was perfect for us. And after many doubts we made the jump.
So this week we move to a rental apartment in a building that is very famous for being filled with children and young families. They call it the " the (name of the area) nursery"
A larger apartment with a very nice kitchen ( a must for me after having a tiny tiny kitchen all this time) with a very large pool with a nice baby area, a large garden with a play ground, a nice gym and very close to everything.
We decided to rent since we would like the next home the definitive one and we are not ready financially, nor in terms of our life to take this decision.
I am very nostalgic and it has been an up and down week. But here we are.
Going now to kiss and spoil my 2 year old. (cannot even believe I write this)
Our sons 2nd birthday and a major life change.
A move!
Today of all days we need to pack the whole house! Did not plan it this way, but it has ended up like this.
Here is him at 7 months. Trying to upload the latest pictures but could not!
From coming back from a vacation in Peru, to a whirlwind work trip to Las Vegas (a city that always leaves me drained spiritually), to the death of my dear aunt, to packing for a move and many exciting projects at my work where we are helping a major crisis pregnancy network with many women helped so far (and not to mention several amazing Napro pregnancies of my clients!) it has been a month that I will probably never forget.
Today I am sitting saying goodbye to our first home and giving thanks for both the 2nd birthday of my son and the decision of his birthmother (it was a Holy Friday 2 years ago) to give him life and also up for adoption and for the amazing opportunity we had of living almost 5 years in this beautiful home.
The home that saw great joy, also great changes of in our lives and the saddest days of my whole life today helps us celebrate our son.
His 2nd birthday.
The son that has brought us the greatest joy of our lives.
He is now running everywhere, doing all kinds of fun things, semi talking up a storm, loving music, etc. I plan do do a post in the coming days about him. I can just say I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. He gives me energy everyday to fight for life.
In terms of our home.
We had found right before our wedding an apartment with great potential. It had a large garden only for 3 apartments, great view of many trees and was in a very quiet area of the city. A peaceful realm.
But it was very ugly inside.
Before our wedding we made an offer, but the owner suddenly raised the price and we let it go.
When we came back I was driving again in the area and we saw that it was up for sale again and not only that the whole building. So I called the realtor and found out it continued to be up for sale together with the other 2 apartments.
My brother was looking for an apartment and in turn one of his best friends also.
In a matter of 3 days we bought the 3 apartments at the price we wanted and so I ended up living right next to my brother and his wife and one of this best friends for the next years.
And over the course of many months remodeled each and every room. A labor of love and a Titanic task.
During this time my Mother in law and my grandfather both died and in her case we spent a long time in hospitals so we did not have the chance to overlook the architect and then we had a disaster. But finally we were able to move end of 2007 until today.
So each room is us. Every single detail chosen by us and a labor of love.
But the time has come to move.
We are moving not because we do not absolutely love this place, but we need to be closer to family, my work and other things that are good for our son.
Also we need more space in case we are blessed with another baby this year. Our agency is positive we will be parents again in the coming months (could be anywhere from a month to over a year) and I could not bear to move with a newborn.
So we had a buyer who kept calling us for over a year offering to buy and then we found an apartment which was perfect for us. And after many doubts we made the jump.
So this week we move to a rental apartment in a building that is very famous for being filled with children and young families. They call it the " the (name of the area) nursery"
A larger apartment with a very nice kitchen ( a must for me after having a tiny tiny kitchen all this time) with a very large pool with a nice baby area, a large garden with a play ground, a nice gym and very close to everything.
We decided to rent since we would like the next home the definitive one and we are not ready financially, nor in terms of our life to take this decision.
I am very nostalgic and it has been an up and down week. But here we are.
Going now to kiss and spoil my 2 year old. (cannot even believe I write this)
Monday, March 18, 2013
And off we go after surviving last week
I cannot believe we are on our way to Peru after perhaps the 5th time I had plans to get there. One way or another each time was not the right time, but now its seems all is ready so we travel tomorrow evening.
So we are packed and JM is ready to go to my parents for 10 days, of which he will spend 8 with his cousins. My parents alone with their 3 grandchildren. Both my parents could not be more excited and my mom has been preparing for weeks now and all is set.
For Peru we have planed the usual ( Cusco, Lima, Machu Picchu, etc) plus the highlight for me....
we are spending Holy Thursday and Friday in Arequipa, Peru second largest city, a beautiful colonial city, and very famous for its processions and devotions on these days.
They say they are as solemn as in Sevilla, so I hope also to spend some very spiritual days there. In preparation for our trip last night we saw the movie on the life of St Rosa de Lima whose shrine we hope to visit while in Lima (was well as St Martin de Porres another amazing Peruvian saint)
And we are happy to report we survived last week..... there are no words to describe the whole week. I am still exhausted from it.
From the highs of a new Latinamerican pope (a Jesuit to booth named Francisco) to the lows of family cancer and the many emotions involved with a move, start of new paths, etc.
I have been over the moon about Pope Francis. I have very strong ties to the jesuits, having studied at one of their universities and while there I grew close to a very , very special jesuit who was my spiritual director for several years. A saintly Spanish jesuit named aptly Ignacio after St Ignatius. One of three jesuits in the same family, another brother was a dioscesan priest, (who was murdered during the civil war in Spain) and brother to a couple of nuns. You can only imagine the depth of faith of his family.
And I owe him in great part my faith.
While I know many Jesuits that are very far from the Magisterium , I also met there some very special ones whose spirituality and adherence to the Magisterium where truly remarkable. The ones that really take their 4th oath very seriously.
I also did several Ignatian retreats while studying there and I fell in love with St. Ignatius of Loyola.
Since his naming I have been obsessed with Pope Francis and have seen most of the videos I could find. They are still in Spanish in Youtube, but I hope they have subtitles soon. They are amazing, full of depth (some even funny as he has an amazing sense of humor ) and we are truly blessed to have him as our Pope.
So I went last week from this high to the low that my favorite aunt is dying.
My dad left Wednesday last week for Germany after finding out my aunt had brain cancer and her prognosis was not good. My mom in the end did not accompany him and I think it was for the best as my dad needed this time alone with his family. Please pray for my aunt and her family. Right now the only thing to hope for is that she has closure and that the pain is lessened by the medicines. It can be a matter of hours, days, perhaps weeks, a true roller coaster.
While all of this was going on our lives became a whirlwind of decisions and paperwork
We started the legal proceedings to sell our house (I have been surrounded by papers for days now) , we signed the contract for a new apartment, JM did the "test" to be able to attend my former school and I was very, very late for it so I am not sure I made a mess of things due to this (I still cringe while writing this), I learned that my position at work will grow with some new projects, etc, etc.
And last we did the U/S to see what had happened this very first cycle with Femara. Well I had 2 very nice, large follicles (24 cm one and the other 18 cm), one of which completely ruptured some days ago. My CM was horrible this time, but the doctor said it might have been due to the timing of the HCG.
I am awaiting the progesterone and estradiol results of P+7, but all looks OK.
I will try perhaps a few cycles of this and then close the biological path forever. I need the closure.
And off we go!
So we are packed and JM is ready to go to my parents for 10 days, of which he will spend 8 with his cousins. My parents alone with their 3 grandchildren. Both my parents could not be more excited and my mom has been preparing for weeks now and all is set.
For Peru we have planed the usual ( Cusco, Lima, Machu Picchu, etc) plus the highlight for me....
we are spending Holy Thursday and Friday in Arequipa, Peru second largest city, a beautiful colonial city, and very famous for its processions and devotions on these days.
They say they are as solemn as in Sevilla, so I hope also to spend some very spiritual days there. In preparation for our trip last night we saw the movie on the life of St Rosa de Lima whose shrine we hope to visit while in Lima (was well as St Martin de Porres another amazing Peruvian saint)
And we are happy to report we survived last week..... there are no words to describe the whole week. I am still exhausted from it.
From the highs of a new Latinamerican pope (a Jesuit to booth named Francisco) to the lows of family cancer and the many emotions involved with a move, start of new paths, etc.
I have been over the moon about Pope Francis. I have very strong ties to the jesuits, having studied at one of their universities and while there I grew close to a very , very special jesuit who was my spiritual director for several years. A saintly Spanish jesuit named aptly Ignacio after St Ignatius. One of three jesuits in the same family, another brother was a dioscesan priest, (who was murdered during the civil war in Spain) and brother to a couple of nuns. You can only imagine the depth of faith of his family.
And I owe him in great part my faith.
While I know many Jesuits that are very far from the Magisterium , I also met there some very special ones whose spirituality and adherence to the Magisterium where truly remarkable. The ones that really take their 4th oath very seriously.
I also did several Ignatian retreats while studying there and I fell in love with St. Ignatius of Loyola.
Since his naming I have been obsessed with Pope Francis and have seen most of the videos I could find. They are still in Spanish in Youtube, but I hope they have subtitles soon. They are amazing, full of depth (some even funny as he has an amazing sense of humor ) and we are truly blessed to have him as our Pope.
So I went last week from this high to the low that my favorite aunt is dying.
My dad left Wednesday last week for Germany after finding out my aunt had brain cancer and her prognosis was not good. My mom in the end did not accompany him and I think it was for the best as my dad needed this time alone with his family. Please pray for my aunt and her family. Right now the only thing to hope for is that she has closure and that the pain is lessened by the medicines. It can be a matter of hours, days, perhaps weeks, a true roller coaster.
While all of this was going on our lives became a whirlwind of decisions and paperwork
We started the legal proceedings to sell our house (I have been surrounded by papers for days now) , we signed the contract for a new apartment, JM did the "test" to be able to attend my former school and I was very, very late for it so I am not sure I made a mess of things due to this (I still cringe while writing this), I learned that my position at work will grow with some new projects, etc, etc.
And last we did the U/S to see what had happened this very first cycle with Femara. Well I had 2 very nice, large follicles (24 cm one and the other 18 cm), one of which completely ruptured some days ago. My CM was horrible this time, but the doctor said it might have been due to the timing of the HCG.
I am awaiting the progesterone and estradiol results of P+7, but all looks OK.
I will try perhaps a few cycles of this and then close the biological path forever. I need the closure.
And off we go!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
the most stressful week ahead....
I just hung up with my dad and he had some very bad news.
Next week promised to be one ot the most stressful weeks of my whole life, but today I received additional news that makes it perhaps the most stressful ever. If I had anti anxiety medicine I would probably we taking one right now!
During this week.....we are deliverying all paperwork closing the sale of our appartment, renting a new place, I start a huge new project at work, we need to deliver the last papers from JM adoption and the rest for our second adoption and all of this this needs to be ready by Friday....The 18th is a holiday here and on the 19th of March we were to leave for Peru so all needs to be done before the holidays (Holy week and Easter are major vacation time here)
plus my local napro doctor decided this cycle to change me to Femara and do an U/S series which start tomorrow and continue all week
plus my DH has his annual physical which is a full morning and it took months to book
and JM has the "evaluation" to start pre kindergarten in August at the same school me and my family have attended for 5 generations. Its a long story, but the school now is perhaps one of the most sought after in the whole city and they have a mile long waiting list. In the last years they have won all kind of achivements for education, yet have not grown their classes so demand is extremely high even in kindergarten. In order to be accepted now they have a kind of eval with both parents so they can decide if the child is ready and also to check the fit to the school. Classes are very, very small so even if I am an alumni this eval will decide if JM is to join my former school. Its crazy and I hate it, but at the same time I cannot avoid it. The evaluation is this week on the 13th for one hour....Arghhhh!
And today in addition to all of this..... we just found out that my dads younger sister who has been battling a recurrence of breast cancer is now battling metastasis in the brain. My dearest and most loved aunt.
The news that puts everything else in perspective and adds another dimension to the stress of the week.
So my mom and dad are struggling right now to find a flight to Germany so my dad can spend the next days with her saying his goodbyes, maybe even be there when she dies. We do not know what to expect.
My dad talked today with my cousin who told him to come ASAP, after weeks of saying that both her and my aunt preferred he not come.
A few weeks ago when we found out she was very sick from a bad reaction to chemo my dad had wanted to go to Germany, yet they stopped him.
They had found some spots of cancer in the lungs and was battling fluid there from the chemo and it seemed she had only a few days to live, yet she asked my dad not to come. She wanted to be only with her daughters and husband.
An aunt and an uncle decided to disobey her and traveled to Germany and disaster ensued. They traveled in the middle of a major snowstorm from a mid sized city to the hospital where my aunt was (she is staying at an alternative medicine clinic in the middle of the Black Forest when not in the hospital for chemo) , getting stuck in the snow without adequate clothes, car, nothing. My poor cousins had to rescue them while caring for my aunt. (my dad has 6 brothers and sisters evenly divided between Germany and Mexico and an brother who died)
The last calls were very optimistic. Her lungs and breasts were clear and it seemed she would be Ok.
But now this. Brain cancer.
And now my aunt wants him to come (they are the closest of the 8) and my dad is planning to leave as early as he can. Tuesday is most probable. Weather is much better now and my dad knows the area well so knows where to stay and how to move around. My dad is horrible with hospitals and anything related to pain, but somehow he is finiding the strenght to travel and my mom is accompanying him.
To write that my parents are under tremendous stress would be an understatement.
So right now its a flurry of calls, emails struggling to find flights to a mid size city with only one day to do all and they have the added pressure they need to return to Mexico in less than a week.
The additional issue right now is that my DH and I had planned a trip to Peru leaving on the 19h. My mom and dad had sent us an email inviting JM to their house and telling us to take a few days off since they would also be hosting my sisters children. She is traveling to Asia with her DH and her children were coming to stay for 12 days. This has never happened and my parents were ecstatic.
My parents were eager to have the 3 grandchildren visiting and my mom even said it was easier for them than having JM alone since they could play with each other. So my DH and I took them up on the offer and planned a 11 day trip to Peru. an anniversary gift and the last trip (we hope) before our second adoption.
But now this...
We do not know if we need to move our dates around or cancel our trip, if my mom and dad can return in time, etc. and even if nothing moves my poor parents will arrive after this whirldwind trip to 2 pre teens and a toddler.
My siblings and I are so worried for them.
So my parents are looking to some very tough weeks ahead. .....
I think them and I will need to take some sort of medicine to survive the stress of the next days!
Praying right now to St Anthony so my parents can find decent flights!
And praying for my aunt and her family
Next week promised to be one ot the most stressful weeks of my whole life, but today I received additional news that makes it perhaps the most stressful ever. If I had anti anxiety medicine I would probably we taking one right now!
During this week.....we are deliverying all paperwork closing the sale of our appartment, renting a new place, I start a huge new project at work, we need to deliver the last papers from JM adoption and the rest for our second adoption and all of this this needs to be ready by Friday....The 18th is a holiday here and on the 19th of March we were to leave for Peru so all needs to be done before the holidays (Holy week and Easter are major vacation time here)
plus my local napro doctor decided this cycle to change me to Femara and do an U/S series which start tomorrow and continue all week
plus my DH has his annual physical which is a full morning and it took months to book
and JM has the "evaluation" to start pre kindergarten in August at the same school me and my family have attended for 5 generations. Its a long story, but the school now is perhaps one of the most sought after in the whole city and they have a mile long waiting list. In the last years they have won all kind of achivements for education, yet have not grown their classes so demand is extremely high even in kindergarten. In order to be accepted now they have a kind of eval with both parents so they can decide if the child is ready and also to check the fit to the school. Classes are very, very small so even if I am an alumni this eval will decide if JM is to join my former school. Its crazy and I hate it, but at the same time I cannot avoid it. The evaluation is this week on the 13th for one hour....Arghhhh!
And today in addition to all of this..... we just found out that my dads younger sister who has been battling a recurrence of breast cancer is now battling metastasis in the brain. My dearest and most loved aunt.
The news that puts everything else in perspective and adds another dimension to the stress of the week.
So my mom and dad are struggling right now to find a flight to Germany so my dad can spend the next days with her saying his goodbyes, maybe even be there when she dies. We do not know what to expect.
My dad talked today with my cousin who told him to come ASAP, after weeks of saying that both her and my aunt preferred he not come.
A few weeks ago when we found out she was very sick from a bad reaction to chemo my dad had wanted to go to Germany, yet they stopped him.
They had found some spots of cancer in the lungs and was battling fluid there from the chemo and it seemed she had only a few days to live, yet she asked my dad not to come. She wanted to be only with her daughters and husband.
An aunt and an uncle decided to disobey her and traveled to Germany and disaster ensued. They traveled in the middle of a major snowstorm from a mid sized city to the hospital where my aunt was (she is staying at an alternative medicine clinic in the middle of the Black Forest when not in the hospital for chemo) , getting stuck in the snow without adequate clothes, car, nothing. My poor cousins had to rescue them while caring for my aunt. (my dad has 6 brothers and sisters evenly divided between Germany and Mexico and an brother who died)
The last calls were very optimistic. Her lungs and breasts were clear and it seemed she would be Ok.
But now this. Brain cancer.
And now my aunt wants him to come (they are the closest of the 8) and my dad is planning to leave as early as he can. Tuesday is most probable. Weather is much better now and my dad knows the area well so knows where to stay and how to move around. My dad is horrible with hospitals and anything related to pain, but somehow he is finiding the strenght to travel and my mom is accompanying him.
To write that my parents are under tremendous stress would be an understatement.
So right now its a flurry of calls, emails struggling to find flights to a mid size city with only one day to do all and they have the added pressure they need to return to Mexico in less than a week.
The additional issue right now is that my DH and I had planned a trip to Peru leaving on the 19h. My mom and dad had sent us an email inviting JM to their house and telling us to take a few days off since they would also be hosting my sisters children. She is traveling to Asia with her DH and her children were coming to stay for 12 days. This has never happened and my parents were ecstatic.
My parents were eager to have the 3 grandchildren visiting and my mom even said it was easier for them than having JM alone since they could play with each other. So my DH and I took them up on the offer and planned a 11 day trip to Peru. an anniversary gift and the last trip (we hope) before our second adoption.
But now this...
We do not know if we need to move our dates around or cancel our trip, if my mom and dad can return in time, etc. and even if nothing moves my poor parents will arrive after this whirldwind trip to 2 pre teens and a toddler.
My siblings and I are so worried for them.
So my parents are looking to some very tough weeks ahead. .....
I think them and I will need to take some sort of medicine to survive the stress of the next days!
Praying right now to St Anthony so my parents can find decent flights!
And praying for my aunt and her family
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Prayer of thanks
So many things to blog about, and for a change all of them amazing.
I can only thank God for all the He has bestowed on us these last months.
So many happy things, yet I have a hard time believing this is my life after all that we have been through the last years. But it really is.
Lets start with the most glorious news.
Two couples, one specially very, very close to my heart since they are part of my family, are pregnant with Napro and I am their practitioner.
I have been working with both for over a year and have felt their pain, longing, desperation each time we have talked.
With very limited resources still in place here its a nightmare to try to be faithful and try to find an answer to IF. Finding doctors, medicines, medical tests, etc that are acceptable takes forever.
Somehow after all this time I see that my IF has a purpose and its to help other couples find what most probably I found too late due to my age.
I knew it had one, yet I am seeing so clearly for the first time.
The horrible pain I felt for so many years helps me understand their pain and help them in ways I could not have ever imagined.
I know what miscarriage after IF feels like, how an U/S appointment can be the most terrifying experience ever, what each BFN feels like.
And with my IF I have been able to help several couples find help and finally get pregnant. My last count is 9 babies, including 1 adoption. Wow.
But this is the one that I have felt closet to my heart.
I was also the very, very first to know that they were for sure pregnant.
An immense privilege.
She had been late with her period after the first cycle with Fe..mara, but was terrified of doing the home pregnancy test so she waited for P+17 . I knew this was an important cycle (new medications plus U/S) and I had been waiting for her call.
The call never came on Friday and on Sunday I had to call them for another thing and after several minutes, she told me: "I think I am pregnant". Yet instead of joyful she was terrified.
The test was testing positive, but was very, very faint and since she had taken HCG that cycle was sure it was a false positive.
She could not believe her eyes.
She called the doctor afterwards who ordered a b/w panel with HCG and progesterone.
On Monday I called her later in the day and she was still waiting for the b/w results. The lab, out of the ordinary, was late with the results. More than 4 hours late.
We were on pins and needles hour after hour.
But as I was driving home her number appeared on my phone. She could not get a hold of her doctor and her DH was driving on a freeway and she was afraid to tell him the news, so she called me so somebody could confirm what she was reading on the lab email.
And read out loud the reading.
HCG was over 3,000.
Progesterone: 40
She was pregnant, finally after more than 4 years of waiting and 1 year of Napro.
She started sobbing on the phone and so did I.
I was soooo happy for them. Truly ecstatic. A joy I only felt when I also was pregnant for the very first time.
And although I have not been able to get pregnant again and might never be, I saw a purpose to all that my DH and I had been through.
We were being fruitful in ways we could not have imagined years ago.
Although many persons will not get pregnant even with the right treatment (like us), I know that having somebody that understands is already a major gift. Like this blogging community which was my only way to feel somebody understood.
And this combined with many good things have made for some truly glorious weeks.
Still.....
My nature is to wait for the other shoe to drop.
My life the last 5 years has been mostly a nightmare of IF, medical emergencies, job loss, deaths in the family. I reached my lowest moment 2 years ago after our miscarriage, horrible medical complications and the job loss of my DH.
Only our adoption of the most amazing little boy was able to lift me out of the nightmare.
After all that we have been through I am having a hard time believing this is our life, yet it truly is.
The life we have worked so hard to build.
This Lent my prayer is of thanks.
I can only thank God for all the He has bestowed on us these last months.
So many happy things, yet I have a hard time believing this is my life after all that we have been through the last years. But it really is.
Lets start with the most glorious news.
Two couples, one specially very, very close to my heart since they are part of my family, are pregnant with Napro and I am their practitioner.
I have been working with both for over a year and have felt their pain, longing, desperation each time we have talked.
With very limited resources still in place here its a nightmare to try to be faithful and try to find an answer to IF. Finding doctors, medicines, medical tests, etc that are acceptable takes forever.
Somehow after all this time I see that my IF has a purpose and its to help other couples find what most probably I found too late due to my age.
I knew it had one, yet I am seeing so clearly for the first time.
The horrible pain I felt for so many years helps me understand their pain and help them in ways I could not have ever imagined.
I know what miscarriage after IF feels like, how an U/S appointment can be the most terrifying experience ever, what each BFN feels like.
And with my IF I have been able to help several couples find help and finally get pregnant. My last count is 9 babies, including 1 adoption. Wow.
But this is the one that I have felt closet to my heart.
I was also the very, very first to know that they were for sure pregnant.
An immense privilege.
She had been late with her period after the first cycle with Fe..mara, but was terrified of doing the home pregnancy test so she waited for P+17 . I knew this was an important cycle (new medications plus U/S) and I had been waiting for her call.
The call never came on Friday and on Sunday I had to call them for another thing and after several minutes, she told me: "I think I am pregnant". Yet instead of joyful she was terrified.
The test was testing positive, but was very, very faint and since she had taken HCG that cycle was sure it was a false positive.
She could not believe her eyes.
She called the doctor afterwards who ordered a b/w panel with HCG and progesterone.
On Monday I called her later in the day and she was still waiting for the b/w results. The lab, out of the ordinary, was late with the results. More than 4 hours late.
We were on pins and needles hour after hour.
But as I was driving home her number appeared on my phone. She could not get a hold of her doctor and her DH was driving on a freeway and she was afraid to tell him the news, so she called me so somebody could confirm what she was reading on the lab email.
And read out loud the reading.
HCG was over 3,000.
Progesterone: 40
She was pregnant, finally after more than 4 years of waiting and 1 year of Napro.
She started sobbing on the phone and so did I.
I was soooo happy for them. Truly ecstatic. A joy I only felt when I also was pregnant for the very first time.
And although I have not been able to get pregnant again and might never be, I saw a purpose to all that my DH and I had been through.
We were being fruitful in ways we could not have imagined years ago.
Although many persons will not get pregnant even with the right treatment (like us), I know that having somebody that understands is already a major gift. Like this blogging community which was my only way to feel somebody understood.
And this combined with many good things have made for some truly glorious weeks.
- Our second adoption will happen most probably this year and we are closing all the adoption follow ups with JM (2 years of medical and social worker visits finally come to an end!).
- My work is going amazingly well, with the additional blessing that I am doing a huge project to help several NGO`s, including the largest crisis pregnancy network here. And the results are amazing. 3 times more women seeking and finding help than ever before. I truly could not be more happy for this.
- We are moving soon to a better location for our family life. The buyer for our apartment has made the final offer and we have accepted and the apartment for rent that we fell in love with is still available. All timings are coming together much better than I could have ever dreamt of. We will probably be moving end of April, much nearer to our families and my work.
Still.....
My nature is to wait for the other shoe to drop.
My life the last 5 years has been mostly a nightmare of IF, medical emergencies, job loss, deaths in the family. I reached my lowest moment 2 years ago after our miscarriage, horrible medical complications and the job loss of my DH.
Only our adoption of the most amazing little boy was able to lift me out of the nightmare.
After all that we have been through I am having a hard time believing this is our life, yet it truly is.
The life we have worked so hard to build.
This Lent my prayer is of thanks.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Many changes our way!
I have not written in a very long time. Maybe I am somewhat ashamed of having written here about my fight with my mom after Christmas, but I also know I needed an outlet for this and I feel my blog is the place for it. Also we will be going through many changes in our lives in the coming months and I am somewhat assimilating the. .
In the end after our fight my mom called me 4 days later (I had been very sick during these days) and invited us again back to spend New Years with everybody. If you knew my mom you would know this is major, I never in a million years would have expected it.
My very silent dad also did something utterling surprising, he came to my house a day before to talk to me and told me my mom had been out of place, but that she loved me deeply and was suffering a great deal. He could not take sides he said, but wanted me to know that my mom and him loved me very very much.
I was actually very moved by this act by my dad. He did not try to intervene, just wanted to see how I was doing and try to explain to me how he saw things. This was truly a gift since my dad is very reserved and like a once in a lifetime opportunnity told me many things that I did not know and that made me understand a little bit more about my mom.
My brother also called me when my sister told him and told me he understood and that he loved me very much.
This was also an unexpected gift since my brother is somewhat like my dad. Reserved and not very affectionate at all. All of this has made a major shift in my family and has helped bring out a lot of things that needed to be sorted out.
In the end I know I am very blessed to come from a very loving family, with its human defects like any other and all this drama reminded me that in the end its the most important to love and to be loved.
On the other hand this beginning of the year has been full of decisions and it had become clear that this year will be full of changes.
In my heart I have been having to sort out my feelings, because while I love to travel and try new things all the time, its also very true that I need a lot of stability. But the changes coming are all very good so I am actually looking forward to them.
Its become very clear in the last months that we will need to sell our home and go live somewhere else very soon . We love our appartment (1 of only 3) one that has a large garden, and from all windows you can see trees and there is no noise whatsover. All of this a blessing in a city such as Mexico. We remodeled it completely from scratch choosing every single little detail and it was our home almost since the beginning of our marriage, still we need to sell it and move
But now the time has come. Soon we will not fit and also its not near from my job, nor the schools we want. I need to make my life easier and to be able to spend as much time with JM and this is not helping. Every single day I drive to work I wish we lived much closer.
Also we would be a lot closer to our families, which is an added bonus. So we have been soul searching and decided on an area and to rent for one or 2 years, which is maybe strange since we are homeowners now. But for many reasons this is the best decision for our family. So we are house hunting the next days and hope to move in a couple of months.
For over a year and a half a couple has been calling us offering to buy it. They had come late to buy my brother´s (who lived one floor down from us) and then saw ours and offered us right away to buy it. For months they called us to offer . The last time was December, but we were not sure then, but we will contacting them now to see if they are still interesed, if not we will be house selling and searching at the very same time.
On the bad side and this also major for us we will most probably lose our nanny which has been amazing for the last years. She has been with us now for 4 years, first as a cleaning lady for just one day a week until she became JM nanny after seeing her with him for many months. She does not live near where we live and I am almost sure she will need to find another job and us another nanny. Its truly like losing a part of our family.
We also should be parents again this year. (my heart skips a beat when I write this!)
Our adoption process continues moving ahead and in February we will have the second adoption course (3 full days on adoption and now with more in depths subjects), then more paperwork, more courses and then more waiting. But the end seems near and time is finally moving very fast. After April 21th (JM´s 2nd birthday) the Mexican governement says that we can become parents again and from there is could be anytime in the next 3 to 9 months that a baby is placed in our home. Nerve racking, but soo exciting
I will also stay home for maternity leave for 5 to 6 months. A big change again and we will also need to make a decision to continue or not to purse biological motherhood since I will turn 42 this year.
We also will be needing to see if JM starts some sort of pre school or something this year. With the change of home, a new sibling, losing his nanny, we have been pondering if its the right time for him to go to school for a few hours a day to give him some stability. We would need to do it before all the mayhem starts and he does not feel displaces.
And while this is going on I have been promoted in my job which means that I now have a team in place and will probably have more people reporting to me soon. This is rather than more work a huge relief since I can focus more on strategy and this gives me added flexibility. Still its a big change.
I am very happy where I work now (even if I would love to work half time only), I have a lot of flexibility, a great boss and team and the greatest thing of all I have been able to develop my own projects . I designed together with my boss an NGO program in which we "adopt" 3 NGO´s and help them develop an online strategy. One of them is a crisis pregnancy nework ( a huge one) that just in 4 weeks saw the number of calls asking for help double . This is major since this is only the beginning and each day at home the enromous blessing that adoption is I smile each day I have news from this project.
So many things at once, yet my heart is at peace and joyful, more joyful than in a long time.
In the end after our fight my mom called me 4 days later (I had been very sick during these days) and invited us again back to spend New Years with everybody. If you knew my mom you would know this is major, I never in a million years would have expected it.
My very silent dad also did something utterling surprising, he came to my house a day before to talk to me and told me my mom had been out of place, but that she loved me deeply and was suffering a great deal. He could not take sides he said, but wanted me to know that my mom and him loved me very very much.
I was actually very moved by this act by my dad. He did not try to intervene, just wanted to see how I was doing and try to explain to me how he saw things. This was truly a gift since my dad is very reserved and like a once in a lifetime opportunnity told me many things that I did not know and that made me understand a little bit more about my mom.
My brother also called me when my sister told him and told me he understood and that he loved me very much.
This was also an unexpected gift since my brother is somewhat like my dad. Reserved and not very affectionate at all. All of this has made a major shift in my family and has helped bring out a lot of things that needed to be sorted out.
In the end I know I am very blessed to come from a very loving family, with its human defects like any other and all this drama reminded me that in the end its the most important to love and to be loved.
On the other hand this beginning of the year has been full of decisions and it had become clear that this year will be full of changes.
In my heart I have been having to sort out my feelings, because while I love to travel and try new things all the time, its also very true that I need a lot of stability. But the changes coming are all very good so I am actually looking forward to them.
Its become very clear in the last months that we will need to sell our home and go live somewhere else very soon . We love our appartment (1 of only 3) one that has a large garden, and from all windows you can see trees and there is no noise whatsover. All of this a blessing in a city such as Mexico. We remodeled it completely from scratch choosing every single little detail and it was our home almost since the beginning of our marriage, still we need to sell it and move
But now the time has come. Soon we will not fit and also its not near from my job, nor the schools we want. I need to make my life easier and to be able to spend as much time with JM and this is not helping. Every single day I drive to work I wish we lived much closer.
Also we would be a lot closer to our families, which is an added bonus. So we have been soul searching and decided on an area and to rent for one or 2 years, which is maybe strange since we are homeowners now. But for many reasons this is the best decision for our family. So we are house hunting the next days and hope to move in a couple of months.
For over a year and a half a couple has been calling us offering to buy it. They had come late to buy my brother´s (who lived one floor down from us) and then saw ours and offered us right away to buy it. For months they called us to offer . The last time was December, but we were not sure then, but we will contacting them now to see if they are still interesed, if not we will be house selling and searching at the very same time.
On the bad side and this also major for us we will most probably lose our nanny which has been amazing for the last years. She has been with us now for 4 years, first as a cleaning lady for just one day a week until she became JM nanny after seeing her with him for many months. She does not live near where we live and I am almost sure she will need to find another job and us another nanny. Its truly like losing a part of our family.
We also should be parents again this year. (my heart skips a beat when I write this!)
Our adoption process continues moving ahead and in February we will have the second adoption course (3 full days on adoption and now with more in depths subjects), then more paperwork, more courses and then more waiting. But the end seems near and time is finally moving very fast. After April 21th (JM´s 2nd birthday) the Mexican governement says that we can become parents again and from there is could be anytime in the next 3 to 9 months that a baby is placed in our home. Nerve racking, but soo exciting
I will also stay home for maternity leave for 5 to 6 months. A big change again and we will also need to make a decision to continue or not to purse biological motherhood since I will turn 42 this year.
We also will be needing to see if JM starts some sort of pre school or something this year. With the change of home, a new sibling, losing his nanny, we have been pondering if its the right time for him to go to school for a few hours a day to give him some stability. We would need to do it before all the mayhem starts and he does not feel displaces.
And while this is going on I have been promoted in my job which means that I now have a team in place and will probably have more people reporting to me soon. This is rather than more work a huge relief since I can focus more on strategy and this gives me added flexibility. Still its a big change.
I am very happy where I work now (even if I would love to work half time only), I have a lot of flexibility, a great boss and team and the greatest thing of all I have been able to develop my own projects . I designed together with my boss an NGO program in which we "adopt" 3 NGO´s and help them develop an online strategy. One of them is a crisis pregnancy nework ( a huge one) that just in 4 weeks saw the number of calls asking for help double . This is major since this is only the beginning and each day at home the enromous blessing that adoption is I smile each day I have news from this project.
So many things at once, yet my heart is at peace and joyful, more joyful than in a long time.
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