Today while I was attending Pentecost Mass I received a text message on my phone. I was able to see it during Mass since I had to check if I had turned it off.
Normally I never do this, but this time I truly felt I had left it on.
It had message from the national director of our agency.
It said:
"Now that I have more information I am certain neither baby if for you. I will keep my eyes open for you".
I trembled when I saw this and some tears were near my eyes, but I also felt peace and was able to continue with Mass.
The yearning to grow our family is stronger than ever and somehow it grows each day.
But since I knew that this woman at the agency is a person that prays and I saw God`s hand so very very clearly in choosing JM for us that I know its God`s wish.
The homily had been beautiful and had reminded me so very much of my experiences with the Holy Spirit.
During college and for some 7 years afterward I belonged to a Catholic Charismatic community that prayed each Saturday at each others house and also during this time I was able to attend several summers at ND, while on a special program.
It was a Catholic program for leadership that was held there in which the program directors did an imposition of hands after a talk with the Holy Spirit at the end of the program .
I had many amazing experiences during and after these talks that I have in my heart forever.
Gifts of the Holy Spirit such as great consolations, gift of tears, hearing, understanding and speaking tongues, etc. Things that my Jesuit upbringing had a very hard time with.
It was much later that after spiritual direction that I understood them and saw them as what they were, pure gifts and manifestations from God.
Well these times were extremely healing for me, with tremendous peace and strenght and somehow in all of this I had forgotten them. IF makes us many times forget the experiences that we have lived before of God´s Mercy and love and these clearly were.
So today we received these news I prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and wisdom and had such Peace it could only come from Him. Peace is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit so I am sure it was this.
The priest had also mentioned that one of the traditional gifts from the Holy Spirt is fortitude (strenght) and I prayed for this specifically to continue to build our family.
For all those that prayed for us thank you for the bottom of our hearts. The agency is working now on finding homes for these 2 little baby boys and I hope to have some good news about them very soon.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Potential adoption situation for us???
The last few weeks my heart has been up and down in terms of growing our family.
We have now moved and have the space for another child, JM will soon start going to some type of kindergarten (one that is for children his age) and both my DH and I are more than ready.
I knew full well nothing would happen before JM turned 2, because the law here states that the child needs to be that age before another placement can happen.
Since this happened 1 month ago all my emotional barriers came .tumbling down.
The yearning to grow our family that has become very, very strong. i had buried all of this since I knew it only would hurt me.
Somehow his birthday in my mind opened the flood gates of my heart again.
So last week I contact our adoption agency to follow up on some courses they are again asking us to take and ask the person in charge how our process is going.
We still have some paperwork and tests pending, but we have not received any communication from them and I am starting to wonder.
I ask about our Psychological evaluation which I think will be in the next days and she gives me an appointment for end of September.
I am left speechless. I have her repeat this.
We should be nearing the end of the process I tell her, but this cannot be true.
We still have the medical tests, the paperwork of no jail records, the social work visit and they cannot take place until this evaluation happens.
She tells me no.
Actually they are delaying most people another 6 to 12 months. Now that abortion is rampant here the numbers of women open to adoption has plummeted, but also there are now waiting lists for years and years.
My heart breaks.
She tells me to expect to be able to adopt next year around February or March.
And this is only to be ready with paperwork, from there it can take another 6 months for placement.
All seems so dark.
This means in practical terms due to our ages that this will be our last adoption.
I will be 43 by the time this happens and my DH 46.
This also happened the same week, on my 4th Femara Cycle where there was zero CM.
ZERO!
Great hormones, great follicle, no cm.... so I am an anomaly (this rarely happens on Fermara and specially with such great hormones) and now the doctor wants to switch me to to high dose Clomid next cycles.... biological parenthood seems now farther away than ever in my mind.
All of this at the very same time makes me so mad at our IF.
And the same week I find out about several unexpected and in some cases unwanted pregnancies. Arghhhh.
So it was not the easiest of weeks
So yesterday I speak with the national director from our adoption agency about the project that I am helping them with and she asks how we are doing in our process.
She has no control over our adoption process locally so I open my heart and tell her how frustrating all of this has been and specially that we did not expect this. From thinking we could be parents middle of this year to knowing it could take a year or more broke my heart.
She explains to me the situation Mexico City adoptions are facing since is there where abortion has been legal the longest.
Since 2007.
International money, a lot from US clinics and agencies, flowing into Mexico to promote abortion and emergency contraception and women not knowing they have an option in them.
After we talk about something else and the she asks me out of the blue if my DH and I would be willing and able to travel for an adoption.
I laugh. We would go to the end of the earth to be parents again.
We have traveled to a foreign country to have an operation with no insurance and full of uncertainty so doing this would be a piece of cake compared to that.
Also if we would be open for another baby boy, since she knew of our preference for a baby girl.
Well we would always loved to have one (several actually) of each sex, but we cannot love JM any more, so yes to both.
She tells me she just received the case of 2 male babies available for adoption in a city in the north of Mexico.
The agency is there and their house filled to capacity via the project I am helping them with, but does not have the parents with all the paperwork ready. They have the couples willing to adopt, but the paperwork that certifies them as adoptive parents is not ready and they cannot have the babies waiting.
She has been asked to find homes in another city. She is starting to look for them today.
I am left speechless as she mentions this and also the city..
This city she mentions where the 2 baby boys are has a long history with my family.
My mom lived there for many years, her only brother who died a few years ago was born there (actually is the city where my grandmother overcame her own secondary IF after 8 years) , my sister in law is from there also and the most shocking part of the story....
my sister in laws very close family members helped build this branch of our agency.
Actually her brother in law sister is the director of the agency.
My God!
I did not know/ remember any of this until my mom mentioned it yesterday.
So the national director tells me to send her ASAP pictures of JM, to talk with DH and to start praying.
Its a very, very long shot, but tells me now that my DH and I are willing to travel and adopt in other states (most couples cannot do it due to their jobs, financial situation or some other issue) she will keep her eyes open.
She tells me we are a rare case to be so open and willing to do this and that she will help us.
She tells me actually knowing this helps her and the agency since many times they are faced with this issue with the smaller cities and they are always having to search heaven and earth for families that are ready.
She will ask for pictures of the babies (its the policy of the agency to foster integration that the children somewhat resemble the adoptive parents and most specially the first child ) and then also the legal implications of adopting there.
She will wait for Monday and tell us that day if there is a real possibility.
Once we know this we can start checking if we can move our paper work here fast enough to be able to do it. Both things have to work in tandem.
Today I tell my brother all of this and his wife starts telling we have a home there at her parents house, that she knows the director very, very well , but also that she knows the legal firm that handles all adoptions.
The director is a close family friend of her and does pro bono work for our agency. They could tell us in an instant all the legal risks, paperwork needed, etc
I had no idea. And I am so moved.
She will do all in her power to help us adopt in her native city.
She can start calling Monday. WOW.
So this weekend we pray. Pray that if any of these little baby boys is meant for us that all doors open (its still a very, very long shot ) and in case none of them are for us, that they find loving families very soon so they do not have to spend another night away from the families God intended for them.
My hope is renewed after a very hard week (months actually) and I feel again God is in control and He will provide.
I have a very strong devotion to the Holy Spirit and have had amazing spiritual experiences of His love so I feel an amazing peace this is happening this weekend.
I am anxious of course, but also with a true sense of peace. DH is holding all in his heart, but you can tell he is excited.
I know God always has been there, but my humanity and own temperament gets the best of me and sometimes I forget
If you can spare a prayer for these 2 little boys I will be forever grateful.
Holy Spirt! Guide all involved in this!
We have now moved and have the space for another child, JM will soon start going to some type of kindergarten (one that is for children his age) and both my DH and I are more than ready.
I knew full well nothing would happen before JM turned 2, because the law here states that the child needs to be that age before another placement can happen.
Since this happened 1 month ago all my emotional barriers came .tumbling down.
The yearning to grow our family that has become very, very strong. i had buried all of this since I knew it only would hurt me.
Somehow his birthday in my mind opened the flood gates of my heart again.
So last week I contact our adoption agency to follow up on some courses they are again asking us to take and ask the person in charge how our process is going.
We still have some paperwork and tests pending, but we have not received any communication from them and I am starting to wonder.
I ask about our Psychological evaluation which I think will be in the next days and she gives me an appointment for end of September.
I am left speechless. I have her repeat this.
We should be nearing the end of the process I tell her, but this cannot be true.
We still have the medical tests, the paperwork of no jail records, the social work visit and they cannot take place until this evaluation happens.
She tells me no.
Actually they are delaying most people another 6 to 12 months. Now that abortion is rampant here the numbers of women open to adoption has plummeted, but also there are now waiting lists for years and years.
My heart breaks.
She tells me to expect to be able to adopt next year around February or March.
And this is only to be ready with paperwork, from there it can take another 6 months for placement.
All seems so dark.
This means in practical terms due to our ages that this will be our last adoption.
I will be 43 by the time this happens and my DH 46.
This also happened the same week, on my 4th Femara Cycle where there was zero CM.
ZERO!
Great hormones, great follicle, no cm.... so I am an anomaly (this rarely happens on Fermara and specially with such great hormones) and now the doctor wants to switch me to to high dose Clomid next cycles.... biological parenthood seems now farther away than ever in my mind.
All of this at the very same time makes me so mad at our IF.
And the same week I find out about several unexpected and in some cases unwanted pregnancies. Arghhhh.
So it was not the easiest of weeks
So yesterday I speak with the national director from our adoption agency about the project that I am helping them with and she asks how we are doing in our process.
She has no control over our adoption process locally so I open my heart and tell her how frustrating all of this has been and specially that we did not expect this. From thinking we could be parents middle of this year to knowing it could take a year or more broke my heart.
She explains to me the situation Mexico City adoptions are facing since is there where abortion has been legal the longest.
Since 2007.
International money, a lot from US clinics and agencies, flowing into Mexico to promote abortion and emergency contraception and women not knowing they have an option in them.
After we talk about something else and the she asks me out of the blue if my DH and I would be willing and able to travel for an adoption.
I laugh. We would go to the end of the earth to be parents again.
We have traveled to a foreign country to have an operation with no insurance and full of uncertainty so doing this would be a piece of cake compared to that.
Also if we would be open for another baby boy, since she knew of our preference for a baby girl.
Well we would always loved to have one (several actually) of each sex, but we cannot love JM any more, so yes to both.
She tells me she just received the case of 2 male babies available for adoption in a city in the north of Mexico.
The agency is there and their house filled to capacity via the project I am helping them with, but does not have the parents with all the paperwork ready. They have the couples willing to adopt, but the paperwork that certifies them as adoptive parents is not ready and they cannot have the babies waiting.
She has been asked to find homes in another city. She is starting to look for them today.
I am left speechless as she mentions this and also the city..
This city she mentions where the 2 baby boys are has a long history with my family.
My mom lived there for many years, her only brother who died a few years ago was born there (actually is the city where my grandmother overcame her own secondary IF after 8 years) , my sister in law is from there also and the most shocking part of the story....
my sister in laws very close family members helped build this branch of our agency.
Actually her brother in law sister is the director of the agency.
My God!
I did not know/ remember any of this until my mom mentioned it yesterday.
So the national director tells me to send her ASAP pictures of JM, to talk with DH and to start praying.
Its a very, very long shot, but tells me now that my DH and I are willing to travel and adopt in other states (most couples cannot do it due to their jobs, financial situation or some other issue) she will keep her eyes open.
She tells me we are a rare case to be so open and willing to do this and that she will help us.
She tells me actually knowing this helps her and the agency since many times they are faced with this issue with the smaller cities and they are always having to search heaven and earth for families that are ready.
She will ask for pictures of the babies (its the policy of the agency to foster integration that the children somewhat resemble the adoptive parents and most specially the first child ) and then also the legal implications of adopting there.
She will wait for Monday and tell us that day if there is a real possibility.
Once we know this we can start checking if we can move our paper work here fast enough to be able to do it. Both things have to work in tandem.
Today I tell my brother all of this and his wife starts telling we have a home there at her parents house, that she knows the director very, very well , but also that she knows the legal firm that handles all adoptions.
The director is a close family friend of her and does pro bono work for our agency. They could tell us in an instant all the legal risks, paperwork needed, etc
I had no idea. And I am so moved.
She will do all in her power to help us adopt in her native city.
She can start calling Monday. WOW.
So this weekend we pray. Pray that if any of these little baby boys is meant for us that all doors open (its still a very, very long shot ) and in case none of them are for us, that they find loving families very soon so they do not have to spend another night away from the families God intended for them.
My hope is renewed after a very hard week (months actually) and I feel again God is in control and He will provide.
I have a very strong devotion to the Holy Spirit and have had amazing spiritual experiences of His love so I feel an amazing peace this is happening this weekend.
I am anxious of course, but also with a true sense of peace. DH is holding all in his heart, but you can tell he is excited.
I know God always has been there, but my humanity and own temperament gets the best of me and sometimes I forget
If you can spare a prayer for these 2 little boys I will be forever grateful.
Holy Spirt! Guide all involved in this!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Moves, birthdays and changes
The last month has been a roller coaster and today promises to be even more exciting.
Our sons 2nd birthday and a major life change.
A move!
Today of all days we need to pack the whole house! Did not plan it this way, but it has ended up like this.
Here is him at 7 months. Trying to upload the latest pictures but could not!
.
From coming back from a vacation in Peru, to a whirlwind work trip to Las Vegas (a city that always leaves me drained spiritually), to the death of my dear aunt, to packing for a move and many exciting projects at my work where we are helping a major crisis pregnancy network with many women helped so far (and not to mention several amazing Napro pregnancies of my clients!) it has been a month that I will probably never forget.
Today I am sitting saying goodbye to our first home and giving thanks for both the 2nd birthday of my son and the decision of his birthmother (it was a Holy Friday 2 years ago) to give him life and also up for adoption and for the amazing opportunity we had of living almost 5 years in this beautiful home.
The home that saw great joy, also great changes of in our lives and the saddest days of my whole life today helps us celebrate our son.
His 2nd birthday.
The son that has brought us the greatest joy of our lives.
He is now running everywhere, doing all kinds of fun things, semi talking up a storm, loving music, etc. I plan do do a post in the coming days about him. I can just say I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. He gives me energy everyday to fight for life.
In terms of our home.
We had found right before our wedding an apartment with great potential. It had a large garden only for 3 apartments, great view of many trees and was in a very quiet area of the city. A peaceful realm.
But it was very ugly inside.
Before our wedding we made an offer, but the owner suddenly raised the price and we let it go.
When we came back I was driving again in the area and we saw that it was up for sale again and not only that the whole building. So I called the realtor and found out it continued to be up for sale together with the other 2 apartments.
My brother was looking for an apartment and in turn one of his best friends also.
In a matter of 3 days we bought the 3 apartments at the price we wanted and so I ended up living right next to my brother and his wife and one of this best friends for the next years.
And over the course of many months remodeled each and every room. A labor of love and a Titanic task.
During this time my Mother in law and my grandfather both died and in her case we spent a long time in hospitals so we did not have the chance to overlook the architect and then we had a disaster. But finally we were able to move end of 2007 until today.
So each room is us. Every single detail chosen by us and a labor of love.
But the time has come to move.
We are moving not because we do not absolutely love this place, but we need to be closer to family, my work and other things that are good for our son.
Also we need more space in case we are blessed with another baby this year. Our agency is positive we will be parents again in the coming months (could be anywhere from a month to over a year) and I could not bear to move with a newborn.
So we had a buyer who kept calling us for over a year offering to buy and then we found an apartment which was perfect for us. And after many doubts we made the jump.
So this week we move to a rental apartment in a building that is very famous for being filled with children and young families. They call it the " the (name of the area) nursery"
A larger apartment with a very nice kitchen ( a must for me after having a tiny tiny kitchen all this time) with a very large pool with a nice baby area, a large garden with a play ground, a nice gym and very close to everything.
We decided to rent since we would like the next home the definitive one and we are not ready financially, nor in terms of our life to take this decision.
I am very nostalgic and it has been an up and down week. But here we are.
Going now to kiss and spoil my 2 year old. (cannot even believe I write this)
Our sons 2nd birthday and a major life change.
A move!
Today of all days we need to pack the whole house! Did not plan it this way, but it has ended up like this.
Here is him at 7 months. Trying to upload the latest pictures but could not!
From coming back from a vacation in Peru, to a whirlwind work trip to Las Vegas (a city that always leaves me drained spiritually), to the death of my dear aunt, to packing for a move and many exciting projects at my work where we are helping a major crisis pregnancy network with many women helped so far (and not to mention several amazing Napro pregnancies of my clients!) it has been a month that I will probably never forget.
Today I am sitting saying goodbye to our first home and giving thanks for both the 2nd birthday of my son and the decision of his birthmother (it was a Holy Friday 2 years ago) to give him life and also up for adoption and for the amazing opportunity we had of living almost 5 years in this beautiful home.
The home that saw great joy, also great changes of in our lives and the saddest days of my whole life today helps us celebrate our son.
His 2nd birthday.
The son that has brought us the greatest joy of our lives.
He is now running everywhere, doing all kinds of fun things, semi talking up a storm, loving music, etc. I plan do do a post in the coming days about him. I can just say I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. He gives me energy everyday to fight for life.
In terms of our home.
We had found right before our wedding an apartment with great potential. It had a large garden only for 3 apartments, great view of many trees and was in a very quiet area of the city. A peaceful realm.
But it was very ugly inside.
Before our wedding we made an offer, but the owner suddenly raised the price and we let it go.
When we came back I was driving again in the area and we saw that it was up for sale again and not only that the whole building. So I called the realtor and found out it continued to be up for sale together with the other 2 apartments.
My brother was looking for an apartment and in turn one of his best friends also.
In a matter of 3 days we bought the 3 apartments at the price we wanted and so I ended up living right next to my brother and his wife and one of this best friends for the next years.
And over the course of many months remodeled each and every room. A labor of love and a Titanic task.
During this time my Mother in law and my grandfather both died and in her case we spent a long time in hospitals so we did not have the chance to overlook the architect and then we had a disaster. But finally we were able to move end of 2007 until today.
So each room is us. Every single detail chosen by us and a labor of love.
But the time has come to move.
We are moving not because we do not absolutely love this place, but we need to be closer to family, my work and other things that are good for our son.
Also we need more space in case we are blessed with another baby this year. Our agency is positive we will be parents again in the coming months (could be anywhere from a month to over a year) and I could not bear to move with a newborn.
So we had a buyer who kept calling us for over a year offering to buy and then we found an apartment which was perfect for us. And after many doubts we made the jump.
So this week we move to a rental apartment in a building that is very famous for being filled with children and young families. They call it the " the (name of the area) nursery"
A larger apartment with a very nice kitchen ( a must for me after having a tiny tiny kitchen all this time) with a very large pool with a nice baby area, a large garden with a play ground, a nice gym and very close to everything.
We decided to rent since we would like the next home the definitive one and we are not ready financially, nor in terms of our life to take this decision.
I am very nostalgic and it has been an up and down week. But here we are.
Going now to kiss and spoil my 2 year old. (cannot even believe I write this)
Monday, March 18, 2013
And off we go after surviving last week
I cannot believe we are on our way to Peru after perhaps the 5th time I had plans to get there. One way or another each time was not the right time, but now its seems all is ready so we travel tomorrow evening.
So we are packed and JM is ready to go to my parents for 10 days, of which he will spend 8 with his cousins. My parents alone with their 3 grandchildren. Both my parents could not be more excited and my mom has been preparing for weeks now and all is set.
For Peru we have planed the usual ( Cusco, Lima, Machu Picchu, etc) plus the highlight for me....
we are spending Holy Thursday and Friday in Arequipa, Peru second largest city, a beautiful colonial city, and very famous for its processions and devotions on these days.
They say they are as solemn as in Sevilla, so I hope also to spend some very spiritual days there. In preparation for our trip last night we saw the movie on the life of St Rosa de Lima whose shrine we hope to visit while in Lima (was well as St Martin de Porres another amazing Peruvian saint)
And we are happy to report we survived last week..... there are no words to describe the whole week. I am still exhausted from it.
From the highs of a new Latinamerican pope (a Jesuit to booth named Francisco) to the lows of family cancer and the many emotions involved with a move, start of new paths, etc.
I have been over the moon about Pope Francis. I have very strong ties to the jesuits, having studied at one of their universities and while there I grew close to a very , very special jesuit who was my spiritual director for several years. A saintly Spanish jesuit named aptly Ignacio after St Ignatius. One of three jesuits in the same family, another brother was a dioscesan priest, (who was murdered during the civil war in Spain) and brother to a couple of nuns. You can only imagine the depth of faith of his family.
And I owe him in great part my faith.
While I know many Jesuits that are very far from the Magisterium , I also met there some very special ones whose spirituality and adherence to the Magisterium where truly remarkable. The ones that really take their 4th oath very seriously.
I also did several Ignatian retreats while studying there and I fell in love with St. Ignatius of Loyola.
Since his naming I have been obsessed with Pope Francis and have seen most of the videos I could find. They are still in Spanish in Youtube, but I hope they have subtitles soon. They are amazing, full of depth (some even funny as he has an amazing sense of humor ) and we are truly blessed to have him as our Pope.
So I went last week from this high to the low that my favorite aunt is dying.
My dad left Wednesday last week for Germany after finding out my aunt had brain cancer and her prognosis was not good. My mom in the end did not accompany him and I think it was for the best as my dad needed this time alone with his family. Please pray for my aunt and her family. Right now the only thing to hope for is that she has closure and that the pain is lessened by the medicines. It can be a matter of hours, days, perhaps weeks, a true roller coaster.
While all of this was going on our lives became a whirlwind of decisions and paperwork
We started the legal proceedings to sell our house (I have been surrounded by papers for days now) , we signed the contract for a new apartment, JM did the "test" to be able to attend my former school and I was very, very late for it so I am not sure I made a mess of things due to this (I still cringe while writing this), I learned that my position at work will grow with some new projects, etc, etc.
And last we did the U/S to see what had happened this very first cycle with Femara. Well I had 2 very nice, large follicles (24 cm one and the other 18 cm), one of which completely ruptured some days ago. My CM was horrible this time, but the doctor said it might have been due to the timing of the HCG.
I am awaiting the progesterone and estradiol results of P+7, but all looks OK.
I will try perhaps a few cycles of this and then close the biological path forever. I need the closure.
And off we go!
So we are packed and JM is ready to go to my parents for 10 days, of which he will spend 8 with his cousins. My parents alone with their 3 grandchildren. Both my parents could not be more excited and my mom has been preparing for weeks now and all is set.
For Peru we have planed the usual ( Cusco, Lima, Machu Picchu, etc) plus the highlight for me....
we are spending Holy Thursday and Friday in Arequipa, Peru second largest city, a beautiful colonial city, and very famous for its processions and devotions on these days.
They say they are as solemn as in Sevilla, so I hope also to spend some very spiritual days there. In preparation for our trip last night we saw the movie on the life of St Rosa de Lima whose shrine we hope to visit while in Lima (was well as St Martin de Porres another amazing Peruvian saint)
And we are happy to report we survived last week..... there are no words to describe the whole week. I am still exhausted from it.
From the highs of a new Latinamerican pope (a Jesuit to booth named Francisco) to the lows of family cancer and the many emotions involved with a move, start of new paths, etc.
I have been over the moon about Pope Francis. I have very strong ties to the jesuits, having studied at one of their universities and while there I grew close to a very , very special jesuit who was my spiritual director for several years. A saintly Spanish jesuit named aptly Ignacio after St Ignatius. One of three jesuits in the same family, another brother was a dioscesan priest, (who was murdered during the civil war in Spain) and brother to a couple of nuns. You can only imagine the depth of faith of his family.
And I owe him in great part my faith.
While I know many Jesuits that are very far from the Magisterium , I also met there some very special ones whose spirituality and adherence to the Magisterium where truly remarkable. The ones that really take their 4th oath very seriously.
I also did several Ignatian retreats while studying there and I fell in love with St. Ignatius of Loyola.
Since his naming I have been obsessed with Pope Francis and have seen most of the videos I could find. They are still in Spanish in Youtube, but I hope they have subtitles soon. They are amazing, full of depth (some even funny as he has an amazing sense of humor ) and we are truly blessed to have him as our Pope.
So I went last week from this high to the low that my favorite aunt is dying.
My dad left Wednesday last week for Germany after finding out my aunt had brain cancer and her prognosis was not good. My mom in the end did not accompany him and I think it was for the best as my dad needed this time alone with his family. Please pray for my aunt and her family. Right now the only thing to hope for is that she has closure and that the pain is lessened by the medicines. It can be a matter of hours, days, perhaps weeks, a true roller coaster.
While all of this was going on our lives became a whirlwind of decisions and paperwork
We started the legal proceedings to sell our house (I have been surrounded by papers for days now) , we signed the contract for a new apartment, JM did the "test" to be able to attend my former school and I was very, very late for it so I am not sure I made a mess of things due to this (I still cringe while writing this), I learned that my position at work will grow with some new projects, etc, etc.
And last we did the U/S to see what had happened this very first cycle with Femara. Well I had 2 very nice, large follicles (24 cm one and the other 18 cm), one of which completely ruptured some days ago. My CM was horrible this time, but the doctor said it might have been due to the timing of the HCG.
I am awaiting the progesterone and estradiol results of P+7, but all looks OK.
I will try perhaps a few cycles of this and then close the biological path forever. I need the closure.
And off we go!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
the most stressful week ahead....
I just hung up with my dad and he had some very bad news.
Next week promised to be one ot the most stressful weeks of my whole life, but today I received additional news that makes it perhaps the most stressful ever. If I had anti anxiety medicine I would probably we taking one right now!
During this week.....we are deliverying all paperwork closing the sale of our appartment, renting a new place, I start a huge new project at work, we need to deliver the last papers from JM adoption and the rest for our second adoption and all of this this needs to be ready by Friday....The 18th is a holiday here and on the 19th of March we were to leave for Peru so all needs to be done before the holidays (Holy week and Easter are major vacation time here)
plus my local napro doctor decided this cycle to change me to Femara and do an U/S series which start tomorrow and continue all week
plus my DH has his annual physical which is a full morning and it took months to book
and JM has the "evaluation" to start pre kindergarten in August at the same school me and my family have attended for 5 generations. Its a long story, but the school now is perhaps one of the most sought after in the whole city and they have a mile long waiting list. In the last years they have won all kind of achivements for education, yet have not grown their classes so demand is extremely high even in kindergarten. In order to be accepted now they have a kind of eval with both parents so they can decide if the child is ready and also to check the fit to the school. Classes are very, very small so even if I am an alumni this eval will decide if JM is to join my former school. Its crazy and I hate it, but at the same time I cannot avoid it. The evaluation is this week on the 13th for one hour....Arghhhh!
And today in addition to all of this..... we just found out that my dads younger sister who has been battling a recurrence of breast cancer is now battling metastasis in the brain. My dearest and most loved aunt.
The news that puts everything else in perspective and adds another dimension to the stress of the week.
So my mom and dad are struggling right now to find a flight to Germany so my dad can spend the next days with her saying his goodbyes, maybe even be there when she dies. We do not know what to expect.
My dad talked today with my cousin who told him to come ASAP, after weeks of saying that both her and my aunt preferred he not come.
A few weeks ago when we found out she was very sick from a bad reaction to chemo my dad had wanted to go to Germany, yet they stopped him.
They had found some spots of cancer in the lungs and was battling fluid there from the chemo and it seemed she had only a few days to live, yet she asked my dad not to come. She wanted to be only with her daughters and husband.
An aunt and an uncle decided to disobey her and traveled to Germany and disaster ensued. They traveled in the middle of a major snowstorm from a mid sized city to the hospital where my aunt was (she is staying at an alternative medicine clinic in the middle of the Black Forest when not in the hospital for chemo) , getting stuck in the snow without adequate clothes, car, nothing. My poor cousins had to rescue them while caring for my aunt. (my dad has 6 brothers and sisters evenly divided between Germany and Mexico and an brother who died)
The last calls were very optimistic. Her lungs and breasts were clear and it seemed she would be Ok.
But now this. Brain cancer.
And now my aunt wants him to come (they are the closest of the 8) and my dad is planning to leave as early as he can. Tuesday is most probable. Weather is much better now and my dad knows the area well so knows where to stay and how to move around. My dad is horrible with hospitals and anything related to pain, but somehow he is finiding the strenght to travel and my mom is accompanying him.
To write that my parents are under tremendous stress would be an understatement.
So right now its a flurry of calls, emails struggling to find flights to a mid size city with only one day to do all and they have the added pressure they need to return to Mexico in less than a week.
The additional issue right now is that my DH and I had planned a trip to Peru leaving on the 19h. My mom and dad had sent us an email inviting JM to their house and telling us to take a few days off since they would also be hosting my sisters children. She is traveling to Asia with her DH and her children were coming to stay for 12 days. This has never happened and my parents were ecstatic.
My parents were eager to have the 3 grandchildren visiting and my mom even said it was easier for them than having JM alone since they could play with each other. So my DH and I took them up on the offer and planned a 11 day trip to Peru. an anniversary gift and the last trip (we hope) before our second adoption.
But now this...
We do not know if we need to move our dates around or cancel our trip, if my mom and dad can return in time, etc. and even if nothing moves my poor parents will arrive after this whirldwind trip to 2 pre teens and a toddler.
My siblings and I are so worried for them.
So my parents are looking to some very tough weeks ahead. .....
I think them and I will need to take some sort of medicine to survive the stress of the next days!
Praying right now to St Anthony so my parents can find decent flights!
And praying for my aunt and her family
Next week promised to be one ot the most stressful weeks of my whole life, but today I received additional news that makes it perhaps the most stressful ever. If I had anti anxiety medicine I would probably we taking one right now!
During this week.....we are deliverying all paperwork closing the sale of our appartment, renting a new place, I start a huge new project at work, we need to deliver the last papers from JM adoption and the rest for our second adoption and all of this this needs to be ready by Friday....The 18th is a holiday here and on the 19th of March we were to leave for Peru so all needs to be done before the holidays (Holy week and Easter are major vacation time here)
plus my local napro doctor decided this cycle to change me to Femara and do an U/S series which start tomorrow and continue all week
plus my DH has his annual physical which is a full morning and it took months to book
and JM has the "evaluation" to start pre kindergarten in August at the same school me and my family have attended for 5 generations. Its a long story, but the school now is perhaps one of the most sought after in the whole city and they have a mile long waiting list. In the last years they have won all kind of achivements for education, yet have not grown their classes so demand is extremely high even in kindergarten. In order to be accepted now they have a kind of eval with both parents so they can decide if the child is ready and also to check the fit to the school. Classes are very, very small so even if I am an alumni this eval will decide if JM is to join my former school. Its crazy and I hate it, but at the same time I cannot avoid it. The evaluation is this week on the 13th for one hour....Arghhhh!
And today in addition to all of this..... we just found out that my dads younger sister who has been battling a recurrence of breast cancer is now battling metastasis in the brain. My dearest and most loved aunt.
The news that puts everything else in perspective and adds another dimension to the stress of the week.
So my mom and dad are struggling right now to find a flight to Germany so my dad can spend the next days with her saying his goodbyes, maybe even be there when she dies. We do not know what to expect.
My dad talked today with my cousin who told him to come ASAP, after weeks of saying that both her and my aunt preferred he not come.
A few weeks ago when we found out she was very sick from a bad reaction to chemo my dad had wanted to go to Germany, yet they stopped him.
They had found some spots of cancer in the lungs and was battling fluid there from the chemo and it seemed she had only a few days to live, yet she asked my dad not to come. She wanted to be only with her daughters and husband.
An aunt and an uncle decided to disobey her and traveled to Germany and disaster ensued. They traveled in the middle of a major snowstorm from a mid sized city to the hospital where my aunt was (she is staying at an alternative medicine clinic in the middle of the Black Forest when not in the hospital for chemo) , getting stuck in the snow without adequate clothes, car, nothing. My poor cousins had to rescue them while caring for my aunt. (my dad has 6 brothers and sisters evenly divided between Germany and Mexico and an brother who died)
The last calls were very optimistic. Her lungs and breasts were clear and it seemed she would be Ok.
But now this. Brain cancer.
And now my aunt wants him to come (they are the closest of the 8) and my dad is planning to leave as early as he can. Tuesday is most probable. Weather is much better now and my dad knows the area well so knows where to stay and how to move around. My dad is horrible with hospitals and anything related to pain, but somehow he is finiding the strenght to travel and my mom is accompanying him.
To write that my parents are under tremendous stress would be an understatement.
So right now its a flurry of calls, emails struggling to find flights to a mid size city with only one day to do all and they have the added pressure they need to return to Mexico in less than a week.
The additional issue right now is that my DH and I had planned a trip to Peru leaving on the 19h. My mom and dad had sent us an email inviting JM to their house and telling us to take a few days off since they would also be hosting my sisters children. She is traveling to Asia with her DH and her children were coming to stay for 12 days. This has never happened and my parents were ecstatic.
My parents were eager to have the 3 grandchildren visiting and my mom even said it was easier for them than having JM alone since they could play with each other. So my DH and I took them up on the offer and planned a 11 day trip to Peru. an anniversary gift and the last trip (we hope) before our second adoption.
But now this...
We do not know if we need to move our dates around or cancel our trip, if my mom and dad can return in time, etc. and even if nothing moves my poor parents will arrive after this whirldwind trip to 2 pre teens and a toddler.
My siblings and I are so worried for them.
So my parents are looking to some very tough weeks ahead. .....
I think them and I will need to take some sort of medicine to survive the stress of the next days!
Praying right now to St Anthony so my parents can find decent flights!
And praying for my aunt and her family
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Prayer of thanks
So many things to blog about, and for a change all of them amazing.
I can only thank God for all the He has bestowed on us these last months.
So many happy things, yet I have a hard time believing this is my life after all that we have been through the last years. But it really is.
Lets start with the most glorious news.
Two couples, one specially very, very close to my heart since they are part of my family, are pregnant with Napro and I am their practitioner.
I have been working with both for over a year and have felt their pain, longing, desperation each time we have talked.
With very limited resources still in place here its a nightmare to try to be faithful and try to find an answer to IF. Finding doctors, medicines, medical tests, etc that are acceptable takes forever.
Somehow after all this time I see that my IF has a purpose and its to help other couples find what most probably I found too late due to my age.
I knew it had one, yet I am seeing so clearly for the first time.
The horrible pain I felt for so many years helps me understand their pain and help them in ways I could not have ever imagined.
I know what miscarriage after IF feels like, how an U/S appointment can be the most terrifying experience ever, what each BFN feels like.
And with my IF I have been able to help several couples find help and finally get pregnant. My last count is 9 babies, including 1 adoption. Wow.
But this is the one that I have felt closet to my heart.
I was also the very, very first to know that they were for sure pregnant.
An immense privilege.
She had been late with her period after the first cycle with Fe..mara, but was terrified of doing the home pregnancy test so she waited for P+17 . I knew this was an important cycle (new medications plus U/S) and I had been waiting for her call.
The call never came on Friday and on Sunday I had to call them for another thing and after several minutes, she told me: "I think I am pregnant". Yet instead of joyful she was terrified.
The test was testing positive, but was very, very faint and since she had taken HCG that cycle was sure it was a false positive.
She could not believe her eyes.
She called the doctor afterwards who ordered a b/w panel with HCG and progesterone.
On Monday I called her later in the day and she was still waiting for the b/w results. The lab, out of the ordinary, was late with the results. More than 4 hours late.
We were on pins and needles hour after hour.
But as I was driving home her number appeared on my phone. She could not get a hold of her doctor and her DH was driving on a freeway and she was afraid to tell him the news, so she called me so somebody could confirm what she was reading on the lab email.
And read out loud the reading.
HCG was over 3,000.
Progesterone: 40
She was pregnant, finally after more than 4 years of waiting and 1 year of Napro.
She started sobbing on the phone and so did I.
I was soooo happy for them. Truly ecstatic. A joy I only felt when I also was pregnant for the very first time.
And although I have not been able to get pregnant again and might never be, I saw a purpose to all that my DH and I had been through.
We were being fruitful in ways we could not have imagined years ago.
Although many persons will not get pregnant even with the right treatment (like us), I know that having somebody that understands is already a major gift. Like this blogging community which was my only way to feel somebody understood.
And this combined with many good things have made for some truly glorious weeks.
Still.....
My nature is to wait for the other shoe to drop.
My life the last 5 years has been mostly a nightmare of IF, medical emergencies, job loss, deaths in the family. I reached my lowest moment 2 years ago after our miscarriage, horrible medical complications and the job loss of my DH.
Only our adoption of the most amazing little boy was able to lift me out of the nightmare.
After all that we have been through I am having a hard time believing this is our life, yet it truly is.
The life we have worked so hard to build.
This Lent my prayer is of thanks.
I can only thank God for all the He has bestowed on us these last months.
So many happy things, yet I have a hard time believing this is my life after all that we have been through the last years. But it really is.
Lets start with the most glorious news.
Two couples, one specially very, very close to my heart since they are part of my family, are pregnant with Napro and I am their practitioner.
I have been working with both for over a year and have felt their pain, longing, desperation each time we have talked.
With very limited resources still in place here its a nightmare to try to be faithful and try to find an answer to IF. Finding doctors, medicines, medical tests, etc that are acceptable takes forever.
Somehow after all this time I see that my IF has a purpose and its to help other couples find what most probably I found too late due to my age.
I knew it had one, yet I am seeing so clearly for the first time.
The horrible pain I felt for so many years helps me understand their pain and help them in ways I could not have ever imagined.
I know what miscarriage after IF feels like, how an U/S appointment can be the most terrifying experience ever, what each BFN feels like.
And with my IF I have been able to help several couples find help and finally get pregnant. My last count is 9 babies, including 1 adoption. Wow.
But this is the one that I have felt closet to my heart.
I was also the very, very first to know that they were for sure pregnant.
An immense privilege.
She had been late with her period after the first cycle with Fe..mara, but was terrified of doing the home pregnancy test so she waited for P+17 . I knew this was an important cycle (new medications plus U/S) and I had been waiting for her call.
The call never came on Friday and on Sunday I had to call them for another thing and after several minutes, she told me: "I think I am pregnant". Yet instead of joyful she was terrified.
The test was testing positive, but was very, very faint and since she had taken HCG that cycle was sure it was a false positive.
She could not believe her eyes.
She called the doctor afterwards who ordered a b/w panel with HCG and progesterone.
On Monday I called her later in the day and she was still waiting for the b/w results. The lab, out of the ordinary, was late with the results. More than 4 hours late.
We were on pins and needles hour after hour.
But as I was driving home her number appeared on my phone. She could not get a hold of her doctor and her DH was driving on a freeway and she was afraid to tell him the news, so she called me so somebody could confirm what she was reading on the lab email.
And read out loud the reading.
HCG was over 3,000.
Progesterone: 40
She was pregnant, finally after more than 4 years of waiting and 1 year of Napro.
She started sobbing on the phone and so did I.
I was soooo happy for them. Truly ecstatic. A joy I only felt when I also was pregnant for the very first time.
And although I have not been able to get pregnant again and might never be, I saw a purpose to all that my DH and I had been through.
We were being fruitful in ways we could not have imagined years ago.
Although many persons will not get pregnant even with the right treatment (like us), I know that having somebody that understands is already a major gift. Like this blogging community which was my only way to feel somebody understood.
And this combined with many good things have made for some truly glorious weeks.
- Our second adoption will happen most probably this year and we are closing all the adoption follow ups with JM (2 years of medical and social worker visits finally come to an end!).
- My work is going amazingly well, with the additional blessing that I am doing a huge project to help several NGO`s, including the largest crisis pregnancy network here. And the results are amazing. 3 times more women seeking and finding help than ever before. I truly could not be more happy for this.
- We are moving soon to a better location for our family life. The buyer for our apartment has made the final offer and we have accepted and the apartment for rent that we fell in love with is still available. All timings are coming together much better than I could have ever dreamt of. We will probably be moving end of April, much nearer to our families and my work.
Still.....
My nature is to wait for the other shoe to drop.
My life the last 5 years has been mostly a nightmare of IF, medical emergencies, job loss, deaths in the family. I reached my lowest moment 2 years ago after our miscarriage, horrible medical complications and the job loss of my DH.
Only our adoption of the most amazing little boy was able to lift me out of the nightmare.
After all that we have been through I am having a hard time believing this is our life, yet it truly is.
The life we have worked so hard to build.
This Lent my prayer is of thanks.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Many changes our way!
I have not written in a very long time. Maybe I am somewhat ashamed of having written here about my fight with my mom after Christmas, but I also know I needed an outlet for this and I feel my blog is the place for it. Also we will be going through many changes in our lives in the coming months and I am somewhat assimilating the. .
In the end after our fight my mom called me 4 days later (I had been very sick during these days) and invited us again back to spend New Years with everybody. If you knew my mom you would know this is major, I never in a million years would have expected it.
My very silent dad also did something utterling surprising, he came to my house a day before to talk to me and told me my mom had been out of place, but that she loved me deeply and was suffering a great deal. He could not take sides he said, but wanted me to know that my mom and him loved me very very much.
I was actually very moved by this act by my dad. He did not try to intervene, just wanted to see how I was doing and try to explain to me how he saw things. This was truly a gift since my dad is very reserved and like a once in a lifetime opportunnity told me many things that I did not know and that made me understand a little bit more about my mom.
My brother also called me when my sister told him and told me he understood and that he loved me very much.
This was also an unexpected gift since my brother is somewhat like my dad. Reserved and not very affectionate at all. All of this has made a major shift in my family and has helped bring out a lot of things that needed to be sorted out.
In the end I know I am very blessed to come from a very loving family, with its human defects like any other and all this drama reminded me that in the end its the most important to love and to be loved.
On the other hand this beginning of the year has been full of decisions and it had become clear that this year will be full of changes.
In my heart I have been having to sort out my feelings, because while I love to travel and try new things all the time, its also very true that I need a lot of stability. But the changes coming are all very good so I am actually looking forward to them.
Its become very clear in the last months that we will need to sell our home and go live somewhere else very soon . We love our appartment (1 of only 3) one that has a large garden, and from all windows you can see trees and there is no noise whatsover. All of this a blessing in a city such as Mexico. We remodeled it completely from scratch choosing every single little detail and it was our home almost since the beginning of our marriage, still we need to sell it and move
But now the time has come. Soon we will not fit and also its not near from my job, nor the schools we want. I need to make my life easier and to be able to spend as much time with JM and this is not helping. Every single day I drive to work I wish we lived much closer.
Also we would be a lot closer to our families, which is an added bonus. So we have been soul searching and decided on an area and to rent for one or 2 years, which is maybe strange since we are homeowners now. But for many reasons this is the best decision for our family. So we are house hunting the next days and hope to move in a couple of months.
For over a year and a half a couple has been calling us offering to buy it. They had come late to buy my brother´s (who lived one floor down from us) and then saw ours and offered us right away to buy it. For months they called us to offer . The last time was December, but we were not sure then, but we will contacting them now to see if they are still interesed, if not we will be house selling and searching at the very same time.
On the bad side and this also major for us we will most probably lose our nanny which has been amazing for the last years. She has been with us now for 4 years, first as a cleaning lady for just one day a week until she became JM nanny after seeing her with him for many months. She does not live near where we live and I am almost sure she will need to find another job and us another nanny. Its truly like losing a part of our family.
We also should be parents again this year. (my heart skips a beat when I write this!)
Our adoption process continues moving ahead and in February we will have the second adoption course (3 full days on adoption and now with more in depths subjects), then more paperwork, more courses and then more waiting. But the end seems near and time is finally moving very fast. After April 21th (JM´s 2nd birthday) the Mexican governement says that we can become parents again and from there is could be anytime in the next 3 to 9 months that a baby is placed in our home. Nerve racking, but soo exciting
I will also stay home for maternity leave for 5 to 6 months. A big change again and we will also need to make a decision to continue or not to purse biological motherhood since I will turn 42 this year.
We also will be needing to see if JM starts some sort of pre school or something this year. With the change of home, a new sibling, losing his nanny, we have been pondering if its the right time for him to go to school for a few hours a day to give him some stability. We would need to do it before all the mayhem starts and he does not feel displaces.
And while this is going on I have been promoted in my job which means that I now have a team in place and will probably have more people reporting to me soon. This is rather than more work a huge relief since I can focus more on strategy and this gives me added flexibility. Still its a big change.
I am very happy where I work now (even if I would love to work half time only), I have a lot of flexibility, a great boss and team and the greatest thing of all I have been able to develop my own projects . I designed together with my boss an NGO program in which we "adopt" 3 NGO´s and help them develop an online strategy. One of them is a crisis pregnancy nework ( a huge one) that just in 4 weeks saw the number of calls asking for help double . This is major since this is only the beginning and each day at home the enromous blessing that adoption is I smile each day I have news from this project.
So many things at once, yet my heart is at peace and joyful, more joyful than in a long time.
In the end after our fight my mom called me 4 days later (I had been very sick during these days) and invited us again back to spend New Years with everybody. If you knew my mom you would know this is major, I never in a million years would have expected it.
My very silent dad also did something utterling surprising, he came to my house a day before to talk to me and told me my mom had been out of place, but that she loved me deeply and was suffering a great deal. He could not take sides he said, but wanted me to know that my mom and him loved me very very much.
I was actually very moved by this act by my dad. He did not try to intervene, just wanted to see how I was doing and try to explain to me how he saw things. This was truly a gift since my dad is very reserved and like a once in a lifetime opportunnity told me many things that I did not know and that made me understand a little bit more about my mom.
My brother also called me when my sister told him and told me he understood and that he loved me very much.
This was also an unexpected gift since my brother is somewhat like my dad. Reserved and not very affectionate at all. All of this has made a major shift in my family and has helped bring out a lot of things that needed to be sorted out.
In the end I know I am very blessed to come from a very loving family, with its human defects like any other and all this drama reminded me that in the end its the most important to love and to be loved.
On the other hand this beginning of the year has been full of decisions and it had become clear that this year will be full of changes.
In my heart I have been having to sort out my feelings, because while I love to travel and try new things all the time, its also very true that I need a lot of stability. But the changes coming are all very good so I am actually looking forward to them.
Its become very clear in the last months that we will need to sell our home and go live somewhere else very soon . We love our appartment (1 of only 3) one that has a large garden, and from all windows you can see trees and there is no noise whatsover. All of this a blessing in a city such as Mexico. We remodeled it completely from scratch choosing every single little detail and it was our home almost since the beginning of our marriage, still we need to sell it and move
But now the time has come. Soon we will not fit and also its not near from my job, nor the schools we want. I need to make my life easier and to be able to spend as much time with JM and this is not helping. Every single day I drive to work I wish we lived much closer.
Also we would be a lot closer to our families, which is an added bonus. So we have been soul searching and decided on an area and to rent for one or 2 years, which is maybe strange since we are homeowners now. But for many reasons this is the best decision for our family. So we are house hunting the next days and hope to move in a couple of months.
For over a year and a half a couple has been calling us offering to buy it. They had come late to buy my brother´s (who lived one floor down from us) and then saw ours and offered us right away to buy it. For months they called us to offer . The last time was December, but we were not sure then, but we will contacting them now to see if they are still interesed, if not we will be house selling and searching at the very same time.
On the bad side and this also major for us we will most probably lose our nanny which has been amazing for the last years. She has been with us now for 4 years, first as a cleaning lady for just one day a week until she became JM nanny after seeing her with him for many months. She does not live near where we live and I am almost sure she will need to find another job and us another nanny. Its truly like losing a part of our family.
We also should be parents again this year. (my heart skips a beat when I write this!)
Our adoption process continues moving ahead and in February we will have the second adoption course (3 full days on adoption and now with more in depths subjects), then more paperwork, more courses and then more waiting. But the end seems near and time is finally moving very fast. After April 21th (JM´s 2nd birthday) the Mexican governement says that we can become parents again and from there is could be anytime in the next 3 to 9 months that a baby is placed in our home. Nerve racking, but soo exciting
I will also stay home for maternity leave for 5 to 6 months. A big change again and we will also need to make a decision to continue or not to purse biological motherhood since I will turn 42 this year.
We also will be needing to see if JM starts some sort of pre school or something this year. With the change of home, a new sibling, losing his nanny, we have been pondering if its the right time for him to go to school for a few hours a day to give him some stability. We would need to do it before all the mayhem starts and he does not feel displaces.
And while this is going on I have been promoted in my job which means that I now have a team in place and will probably have more people reporting to me soon. This is rather than more work a huge relief since I can focus more on strategy and this gives me added flexibility. Still its a big change.
I am very happy where I work now (even if I would love to work half time only), I have a lot of flexibility, a great boss and team and the greatest thing of all I have been able to develop my own projects . I designed together with my boss an NGO program in which we "adopt" 3 NGO´s and help them develop an online strategy. One of them is a crisis pregnancy nework ( a huge one) that just in 4 weeks saw the number of calls asking for help double . This is major since this is only the beginning and each day at home the enromous blessing that adoption is I smile each day I have news from this project.
So many things at once, yet my heart is at peace and joyful, more joyful than in a long time.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
From bad to worse
After all the holiday drama we have been back home and all that could go wrong has happened.
I had not been feeling well and I attributed it to the stress of the last days, but yesterday I woke up feeling all dizzy with terrible nausea and JM during breakfast started throwing up. He in his whole life never had thrown up so we were very worried.
My DH had to leave home early for his annual family breakfast and to celebrate with his brothers and sister his parents 50th wedding anniversary that had been in the plans for months. So he left all worried, but I encouraged him to leave as I saw JM better.
The next hours were terrible, diarrhea and vomit on my side, a very active 20 month old who had been able to eat breakfast finally, etc. Never in my life have I been so sick from the stomach, I could not move without feeling like falling.
My DH arrived later and luckily I had been able to put JM for an early nap and maybe since he did not feel himself he slept for 3 hours, very unusual for him. So I had this time off.
I could not hold anything down, not even a drop of water and things were getting worse by the hour. Thank God JM was doing much better and could eat normally.
By 3 p.m I was very weak, could not move from the couch and decided to call the doctor who said to not drink anything for 2 hours and then start slowly with ice cold water and later some kind of drink to replace the salts I had lost and a vitamin injection. He also said that if this did not get better then I would need to go to the hospital ASAP since I would need an IV.
How we were going to manage with JM and a hospital stay I had no idea.
Well I ended up also not being able to take the water as he told me and called the doctor for new instructions. He said he wanted to try something first, an anti vomiting medication via injections, before heading to the hospital.
Thank God DH had recently learned to give injections and so an hour later the medicine arrives from the pharmacy and immediately I start to feel less dizzy and like I can hold some water.
Later I can drink from the other medicine, but I am still very weak and cannot eat anything. By then I am trembling and having 3 covers over me did not stop it. So we go to bed and even while feeling sick I can sleep some hours.
Today I wake up very weak (I have not had food in over 36 hours and limited water) with a throbbing headache and a body that hurts everywhere, but thankfully no nausea. I will need to take the rest of today very easy while seeing a very messy house and JM for some reason has been crying a lot, very unusual for him. Arghhhh!
DH seems to be OK but has been complaining all day of his stomach.
And all our vacation plans are now on hold.
In all this drama my dad called me today to see how we were doing (he had no idea I had been sick), but instead of making things better we ended up having a discussion. I told him that my mom words were out of line and he said he could not take sides and that it had been my mistake telling my mom private things. He said my mom was this way and that I needed to be wiser.
My dad was very, very sad that we would not spend New Years with them and the rest of the days with my nice and nephew and I ended up crying again.
I feel like such a bad Christian for not being able to forgive my mom, but her words have hurt me deeply many times and every single time I have had to be the one to ask for forgiveness when it has not been even my fault.
I think I need some time away from her to establish some boundaries and make clear that this is not acceptable. I cannot change her, but I need to protect my heart.
Still it hurts tremendously.
I had not been feeling well and I attributed it to the stress of the last days, but yesterday I woke up feeling all dizzy with terrible nausea and JM during breakfast started throwing up. He in his whole life never had thrown up so we were very worried.
My DH had to leave home early for his annual family breakfast and to celebrate with his brothers and sister his parents 50th wedding anniversary that had been in the plans for months. So he left all worried, but I encouraged him to leave as I saw JM better.
The next hours were terrible, diarrhea and vomit on my side, a very active 20 month old who had been able to eat breakfast finally, etc. Never in my life have I been so sick from the stomach, I could not move without feeling like falling.
My DH arrived later and luckily I had been able to put JM for an early nap and maybe since he did not feel himself he slept for 3 hours, very unusual for him. So I had this time off.
I could not hold anything down, not even a drop of water and things were getting worse by the hour. Thank God JM was doing much better and could eat normally.
By 3 p.m I was very weak, could not move from the couch and decided to call the doctor who said to not drink anything for 2 hours and then start slowly with ice cold water and later some kind of drink to replace the salts I had lost and a vitamin injection. He also said that if this did not get better then I would need to go to the hospital ASAP since I would need an IV.
How we were going to manage with JM and a hospital stay I had no idea.
Well I ended up also not being able to take the water as he told me and called the doctor for new instructions. He said he wanted to try something first, an anti vomiting medication via injections, before heading to the hospital.
Thank God DH had recently learned to give injections and so an hour later the medicine arrives from the pharmacy and immediately I start to feel less dizzy and like I can hold some water.
Later I can drink from the other medicine, but I am still very weak and cannot eat anything. By then I am trembling and having 3 covers over me did not stop it. So we go to bed and even while feeling sick I can sleep some hours.
Today I wake up very weak (I have not had food in over 36 hours and limited water) with a throbbing headache and a body that hurts everywhere, but thankfully no nausea. I will need to take the rest of today very easy while seeing a very messy house and JM for some reason has been crying a lot, very unusual for him. Arghhhh!
DH seems to be OK but has been complaining all day of his stomach.
And all our vacation plans are now on hold.
In all this drama my dad called me today to see how we were doing (he had no idea I had been sick), but instead of making things better we ended up having a discussion. I told him that my mom words were out of line and he said he could not take sides and that it had been my mistake telling my mom private things. He said my mom was this way and that I needed to be wiser.
My dad was very, very sad that we would not spend New Years with them and the rest of the days with my nice and nephew and I ended up crying again.
I feel like such a bad Christian for not being able to forgive my mom, but her words have hurt me deeply many times and every single time I have had to be the one to ask for forgiveness when it has not been even my fault.
I think I need some time away from her to establish some boundaries and make clear that this is not acceptable. I cannot change her, but I need to protect my heart.
Still it hurts tremendously.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Holiday triggers and drama
This Christmas has not gone as planned and as I write this I am very sad.
Working like crazy before the holidays trying to close everything in order to spend time with family, big family expectations on both sides, being pulled into many directions and then Christmas day and yesterday.
My DH and I had planned for a very long time to spend many days (almost 2 weeks) at my parents house with the rest of my family, yet today we are back home with no plans for the next days and very sad.
My paren,s when my dad retired, built their dream home 45 minutes from the city in a beautiful location near the woods. Instead of downsizing they grew by a lot (we 5 family members lived in a very, very small house all our lives)
Their plan has always been to have space for their children and grandchildren so we could stay and have also a lot of space in terms of garden and trees.
We were to spend with them at this beautiful place since last Sunday to celebrate Advent until early January, right before Ephifany which is a very important holiday here. My sister and her family would come and go since this year Christmas was at the inlaws and leave 4th of January. My brother would arrive on the 30th spend the rest of the days with us.
The cousins, my sisters 2 children, and JM could spend a lot of time together and get to know each other now that JM is older. All seemed perfect and specially compared to my DH side.
On my DH side things have been tense in the last weeks. There were 3 out of the 5 children spending this year at home on the 25th. (my family celebrates Mexican style dinner on the 24th and DH side has lunch on the 25th)
Participating would be one brother who is divorced and has no family (who is always grumpy and is very controlling, yet is striving to be more easy going and making great strides), his other brother with his wife and 2 children and my FIL. This second brother is very nice and good hearted, yet has a very, very difficult wife that puts my FIL on edge each and everytime and neither of them help in any way, shape or form unless you give them clear instructions and push them.
My FIL since becoming a widower has had to take the reins of an enourmous house (far too big for 1 person) and the holidays overwhelm him. My MIL did a production of them using her 5 children as help and expectations are always very very high. This one was no exception. Basically my SIL and my DH take the reins, but this year she was not home so all fell on my DH and I .
For weeks he had been nervous since he would be hosting these 2 not easy sons and had relied a lot on my DH to listen to his worries. My DH is the one always helping and the peaceful one. A few days ago I had asked my FILwhat was missing and found out that he needed more help than expected. So my DH and I set out shopping at the very last minute for food items so we could prepare the eggnog, salad and desserts for 12 people, while preparing to leave all ready to be out of home for 2 weeks.
Since my FIL was nervous about these 2 sons he decided to invite my parents to lunch on the 25th to make things less tense. I knew all along that it was not a good idea, but since he was hosting I did not have a say.
We spent the 24th at my parents very nicely and then set out early for my FILs house so we could help. The appointment was for noon so we could open presents and then prepare the rest.
When DH and I arrived we encountered a disaster.
My FIL told us that a lot was missing and you could see anger and fear in his eyes, the girl they had hired to help out was pouting since she said it was too much work, my BIL still in pijamas after trying to find tons of things and no sight of the other brother.
Well my DH and I had to start giving instructions, working like crazy and we began to sort everything out, so when the other brother arrived 2 hours late all was ready.
His wife acted all surprised that all was ready and said she had been prepared to help out, yet had had other important things to do and time had passed. The look on my FILs face was priceless. Lets say this was expected and it was even more clear when my DH and his brother started serving the tables, cleaning around and she, her husband and children did nothing. NOTHING!
Later my parents arrived and you could feel all of us very tense. We tried to make the most of things and had a pleasant time, yet it was not easy and my parents were in shock of this attitude of the wife and brother. I decided to sit still at the table letting my DH do the work so I would not leave my parents alone at this very formal dinning room.
My parents left not very late and we left soon after.
When we arrived at my parents house my sister had arrived and we experienced an amazing night playing with the children , etc and the same the next day. JM was laughing like crazy and he could not stop kissing his cousins. Later my dad commented to me how surprised he had been about the attitude of this brother and his wife, but left it at that.
During all this time my mom had been also very tense. She is not an easy person, is not sociable at all, gets overwhelmed easily and all three of us at one time or another have had major fights with her, well into adulthood. She is a very good woman, yet had many times very harsh words for us and even more so when stressed.
My dad on the other hand is easy going, very sociable and practical.
So all day yesterday I see my mom in a bad mood, yet I could not pin point what was going on. Maybe it was having all of us there, maybe the scene of my FILs house, no idea.
I spent the morning with her at the farmers market buying the food for the next days and helping her carry tons of vegetables and fruits, etc. and she seemed to relax. We had a chat about the wife of the brother and how shocking their attitude was and left it at that.
Since it was late we decided all (my sisters family, us and my parents) to have lunch at a restaurant that my parents knew well and had enjoyed, but we had never been to before. The whole thing was horrible. The food, the service (took forever etc). We were all tired after waiting hours around for bad food.
So I come back to the table from walking the children in the gardens and out of nowhere my mom tells me I am exactly like my DH´s SIL.
The wife of this brother who is so very difficult and never helps out.
My mom said she had been observing me the other day at my FILs house and I was slowly becoming like a little her.
If you knew her, you would know this is the very worst thing a person can say you are. She is neurotic, lazy and in general not a nice person.
I have no idea why she said this, but it hurt me profoundly and I started crying. Well one thing led to the other and we started fighting and I left making the decision to leave my parents house and return home.
I simply could not deal getting hurt this way.
My sister called me a few minutes later and said she agreed my mom had been completely out of line and that the comment was meant to hurt and while it hurt her deeply she agreed it was best to leave. She would make sure that we see each other next week and that the children get to spend many hours together.
She said that this is why she keeps my mom out of her inlaws lives since the exact same thing had happened to her years ago. My mom mixing her worry for us (I am sure she is worried about my inlaws situation) with very harsh judgements without reason.
My DH was also supportive and agreed this was a comment completely out of line, perhaps out of stress, but that it was meant to hurt and that he could not see us spending the rest of the days with my parents. This coming from the most peaceful man ever.
My dad has been silent since then.
We arrived home last night and my heart and head hurt so much that I could not sleep,. I am hearbroken my son cannot spend more time with his grandparents and cousins, yet truly I cannot forget these very harsh words from my mom. Why in the world would she use them?
What we will do the next days with no plans whatsoever I have no idea. My first vacations in over a year and this happens and worse, much worse during Christmas.
So so sad.
Working like crazy before the holidays trying to close everything in order to spend time with family, big family expectations on both sides, being pulled into many directions and then Christmas day and yesterday.
My DH and I had planned for a very long time to spend many days (almost 2 weeks) at my parents house with the rest of my family, yet today we are back home with no plans for the next days and very sad.
My paren,s when my dad retired, built their dream home 45 minutes from the city in a beautiful location near the woods. Instead of downsizing they grew by a lot (we 5 family members lived in a very, very small house all our lives)
Their plan has always been to have space for their children and grandchildren so we could stay and have also a lot of space in terms of garden and trees.
We were to spend with them at this beautiful place since last Sunday to celebrate Advent until early January, right before Ephifany which is a very important holiday here. My sister and her family would come and go since this year Christmas was at the inlaws and leave 4th of January. My brother would arrive on the 30th spend the rest of the days with us.
The cousins, my sisters 2 children, and JM could spend a lot of time together and get to know each other now that JM is older. All seemed perfect and specially compared to my DH side.
On my DH side things have been tense in the last weeks. There were 3 out of the 5 children spending this year at home on the 25th. (my family celebrates Mexican style dinner on the 24th and DH side has lunch on the 25th)
Participating would be one brother who is divorced and has no family (who is always grumpy and is very controlling, yet is striving to be more easy going and making great strides), his other brother with his wife and 2 children and my FIL. This second brother is very nice and good hearted, yet has a very, very difficult wife that puts my FIL on edge each and everytime and neither of them help in any way, shape or form unless you give them clear instructions and push them.
My FIL since becoming a widower has had to take the reins of an enourmous house (far too big for 1 person) and the holidays overwhelm him. My MIL did a production of them using her 5 children as help and expectations are always very very high. This one was no exception. Basically my SIL and my DH take the reins, but this year she was not home so all fell on my DH and I .
For weeks he had been nervous since he would be hosting these 2 not easy sons and had relied a lot on my DH to listen to his worries. My DH is the one always helping and the peaceful one. A few days ago I had asked my FILwhat was missing and found out that he needed more help than expected. So my DH and I set out shopping at the very last minute for food items so we could prepare the eggnog, salad and desserts for 12 people, while preparing to leave all ready to be out of home for 2 weeks.
Since my FIL was nervous about these 2 sons he decided to invite my parents to lunch on the 25th to make things less tense. I knew all along that it was not a good idea, but since he was hosting I did not have a say.
We spent the 24th at my parents very nicely and then set out early for my FILs house so we could help. The appointment was for noon so we could open presents and then prepare the rest.
When DH and I arrived we encountered a disaster.
My FIL told us that a lot was missing and you could see anger and fear in his eyes, the girl they had hired to help out was pouting since she said it was too much work, my BIL still in pijamas after trying to find tons of things and no sight of the other brother.
Well my DH and I had to start giving instructions, working like crazy and we began to sort everything out, so when the other brother arrived 2 hours late all was ready.
His wife acted all surprised that all was ready and said she had been prepared to help out, yet had had other important things to do and time had passed. The look on my FILs face was priceless. Lets say this was expected and it was even more clear when my DH and his brother started serving the tables, cleaning around and she, her husband and children did nothing. NOTHING!
Later my parents arrived and you could feel all of us very tense. We tried to make the most of things and had a pleasant time, yet it was not easy and my parents were in shock of this attitude of the wife and brother. I decided to sit still at the table letting my DH do the work so I would not leave my parents alone at this very formal dinning room.
My parents left not very late and we left soon after.
When we arrived at my parents house my sister had arrived and we experienced an amazing night playing with the children , etc and the same the next day. JM was laughing like crazy and he could not stop kissing his cousins. Later my dad commented to me how surprised he had been about the attitude of this brother and his wife, but left it at that.
During all this time my mom had been also very tense. She is not an easy person, is not sociable at all, gets overwhelmed easily and all three of us at one time or another have had major fights with her, well into adulthood. She is a very good woman, yet had many times very harsh words for us and even more so when stressed.
My dad on the other hand is easy going, very sociable and practical.
So all day yesterday I see my mom in a bad mood, yet I could not pin point what was going on. Maybe it was having all of us there, maybe the scene of my FILs house, no idea.
I spent the morning with her at the farmers market buying the food for the next days and helping her carry tons of vegetables and fruits, etc. and she seemed to relax. We had a chat about the wife of the brother and how shocking their attitude was and left it at that.
Since it was late we decided all (my sisters family, us and my parents) to have lunch at a restaurant that my parents knew well and had enjoyed, but we had never been to before. The whole thing was horrible. The food, the service (took forever etc). We were all tired after waiting hours around for bad food.
So I come back to the table from walking the children in the gardens and out of nowhere my mom tells me I am exactly like my DH´s SIL.
The wife of this brother who is so very difficult and never helps out.
My mom said she had been observing me the other day at my FILs house and I was slowly becoming like a little her.
If you knew her, you would know this is the very worst thing a person can say you are. She is neurotic, lazy and in general not a nice person.
I have no idea why she said this, but it hurt me profoundly and I started crying. Well one thing led to the other and we started fighting and I left making the decision to leave my parents house and return home.
I simply could not deal getting hurt this way.
My sister called me a few minutes later and said she agreed my mom had been completely out of line and that the comment was meant to hurt and while it hurt her deeply she agreed it was best to leave. She would make sure that we see each other next week and that the children get to spend many hours together.
She said that this is why she keeps my mom out of her inlaws lives since the exact same thing had happened to her years ago. My mom mixing her worry for us (I am sure she is worried about my inlaws situation) with very harsh judgements without reason.
My DH was also supportive and agreed this was a comment completely out of line, perhaps out of stress, but that it was meant to hurt and that he could not see us spending the rest of the days with my parents. This coming from the most peaceful man ever.
My dad has been silent since then.
We arrived home last night and my heart and head hurt so much that I could not sleep,. I am hearbroken my son cannot spend more time with his grandparents and cousins, yet truly I cannot forget these very harsh words from my mom. Why in the world would she use them?
What we will do the next days with no plans whatsoever I have no idea. My first vacations in over a year and this happens and worse, much worse during Christmas.
So so sad.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Helping the Pope Paul VI institute and Naprotechnology
hi!
I just received an email from Dr. H stating that a donor had offered to help the institute with 5 USD for each like they had on Face.bo.ok.
Right now they have something like 1,000 likes, but thousands more are needed.
Please please share this with your friends, family, via FB or email.
I just received an email from Dr. H stating that a donor had offered to help the institute with 5 USD for each like they had on Face.bo.ok.
Right now they have something like 1,000 likes, but thousands more are needed.
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Please please share this with your friends, family, via FB or email.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Healing questions
I have a million posts on my mind. On adoption, Advent (which is huge in my part German family), on IF, on conversion, but today I want to ask for advice on an seemingly non important topic.
Diet.
Yep, but not only to lose weight, but to feel better, to be a better mother, etc and if God wills improve my fertility (I got pregnant the month I had been on a perfect diet and felt amazing).
In Chinese medicine you cannot get your fertility back on track or your health in general if your do not heal from the gut. Great digestion is the basis for health and after all my poor digestive system has been through I need to give it the attention it so badly needs.
It has been a lot on my mind each day for the last 2 months where I have felt so bad and the doctors have confirmed I need to heal it. Amobeas, candida, inflammation, low sugar, etc
I eat pretty healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Normally for breakfast is a protein shake with some almonds and fruit and a bunch of greens (its much better than it sounds).
Then problem starts.
I also drink a few minutes afterwards either coffee with a horrible creamer or an energy drink with vitamins. I need it to wake up.
I later arrive at the office.
During the morning I do really well. Eat some almonds, drink green tea and tons of water.
Then lunch I have a huge salad bar to eat from and I fill up a plate with salad and some nuts, there is always soup which I eat almost every day (when its not cream based), then some vegetables and some protein such as beef or chicken or shrimp. (I cannot stomach the white fish they also serve). In Mexico lunch is the main meal of the day and I make the most of it. There is many times cheese in the salad or in some of the vegetarian dishes and while most of the time I can stay away there are times I cannot resist.
Then I need to have my coffee with creamer.
and more trouble starts.
My office is filled with candy. FILLED! they also have many healthy options, but temptation is always there. There is even a refigerator filled with Hagen Dazs ice cream.
While I can stay away from the ice cream with ease and I only have dessert once a week I need some sugar in the afternoon. So I tend to go to the candy corner and have some candy and while I am getting better at having each day less and less its still not in control.
Then I leave to get home and there I normally have for dinner some beans with chile, a tortilla with some mushrooms or whatever was for lunch. Mostly home cooked vegetarian Mexican food.
Well it has been working so far in terms that my energy is better, but I need to get off the coffee, the creamer, the energy drink, the sugar in the afternoon and also manage my portions so I can lose weight.
Well last week the doctor ordered for me to take medicine for my amobeas and I felt instantly better (after 2 days where I felt like dying) and slowly I have been feeling better with also the candida medications, both of which I truly needed. The functional medicine doctor also ordered for me to stay away from milk, the creamer, any wheat or gluten and told me to go on a healing journey for my gut.
And to lose 8 kilos (about 16 pounds!) Arghhh!
So I am open to any sites, books, diets you can recommend to heal my gut and also as a added value lose weight.
Diet.
Yep, but not only to lose weight, but to feel better, to be a better mother, etc and if God wills improve my fertility (I got pregnant the month I had been on a perfect diet and felt amazing).
In Chinese medicine you cannot get your fertility back on track or your health in general if your do not heal from the gut. Great digestion is the basis for health and after all my poor digestive system has been through I need to give it the attention it so badly needs.
It has been a lot on my mind each day for the last 2 months where I have felt so bad and the doctors have confirmed I need to heal it. Amobeas, candida, inflammation, low sugar, etc
I eat pretty healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Normally for breakfast is a protein shake with some almonds and fruit and a bunch of greens (its much better than it sounds).
Then problem starts.
I also drink a few minutes afterwards either coffee with a horrible creamer or an energy drink with vitamins. I need it to wake up.
I later arrive at the office.
During the morning I do really well. Eat some almonds, drink green tea and tons of water.
Then lunch I have a huge salad bar to eat from and I fill up a plate with salad and some nuts, there is always soup which I eat almost every day (when its not cream based), then some vegetables and some protein such as beef or chicken or shrimp. (I cannot stomach the white fish they also serve). In Mexico lunch is the main meal of the day and I make the most of it. There is many times cheese in the salad or in some of the vegetarian dishes and while most of the time I can stay away there are times I cannot resist.
Then I need to have my coffee with creamer.
and more trouble starts.
My office is filled with candy. FILLED! they also have many healthy options, but temptation is always there. There is even a refigerator filled with Hagen Dazs ice cream.
While I can stay away from the ice cream with ease and I only have dessert once a week I need some sugar in the afternoon. So I tend to go to the candy corner and have some candy and while I am getting better at having each day less and less its still not in control.
Then I leave to get home and there I normally have for dinner some beans with chile, a tortilla with some mushrooms or whatever was for lunch. Mostly home cooked vegetarian Mexican food.
Well it has been working so far in terms that my energy is better, but I need to get off the coffee, the creamer, the energy drink, the sugar in the afternoon and also manage my portions so I can lose weight.
Well last week the doctor ordered for me to take medicine for my amobeas and I felt instantly better (after 2 days where I felt like dying) and slowly I have been feeling better with also the candida medications, both of which I truly needed. The functional medicine doctor also ordered for me to stay away from milk, the creamer, any wheat or gluten and told me to go on a healing journey for my gut.
And to lose 8 kilos (about 16 pounds!) Arghhh!
So I am open to any sites, books, diets you can recommend to heal my gut and also as a added value lose weight.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The feast of our Lady of Guadalupe in Her country
Today I was driving through one of the main streets in Mexico City and while waiting at a stop light I saw a whole family crossing the street. I could not keep my eyes of them.
They were clearly pilgrims heading to Tepeyac, here in Mexico city, the place where Our Lady appeared hundreds of years ago and where Her image is still.
They were carrying only woollen blankets and an image of Our Lady. Walking dozens, in some cases hundreds of miles to sing to Her and celebrate Her on Her birthday. Traffic stopped to let them pass through and I am sure they will spend the night out in the cold near the Basilica waiting to sing to Her Happy Birthday. Such faith that you cannot be but moved by it.
This is part of everyday Mexico and despite all the challenges we face as a country, we are very blessed to have Her here, so near and also that so many millions of persons still have such a devotion to Her. Nowhere in the world I have seen this.
A few hours ago the fireworks started and they will go on for the next day. You cannot forget whose birthday it tomorrow.
Hundreds of thousands of pilgrims are walking through the city streets tonight in freezing cold, sleeping where they can and this family was just one example. Some say in a couple of days over 2 millon persons will visit Her and that Tepeyac is the largest Marian site in the world, only competing with Lourdes and Fatima and the most visited Catholic one after St Peter.
I can only say its a very, very blessed place where one cannot be, but moved by the faith of the people visiting and Her.
Today in the early morning thousands of people will sing the "Mañanitas (our traditional birthday song) Here is a link to it and its very impressive if you have never seen it. Mañananitas
Today and tomorrow very specially I offer my prayers in Her land to all of you that are suffering, mourning, waiting or have a heavy heart.
Like a true Mother She has consoled me time and time again and my prayer tonight is that She also consoles you.
Please remember these words that She said to San Juan Diego and that She tells all of us:
¡Señora de Guadalupe, ruega por nosotros!
¡San Juan Diego, ruego por nosotros!
They were clearly pilgrims heading to Tepeyac, here in Mexico city, the place where Our Lady appeared hundreds of years ago and where Her image is still.
They were carrying only woollen blankets and an image of Our Lady. Walking dozens, in some cases hundreds of miles to sing to Her and celebrate Her on Her birthday. Traffic stopped to let them pass through and I am sure they will spend the night out in the cold near the Basilica waiting to sing to Her Happy Birthday. Such faith that you cannot be but moved by it.
This is part of everyday Mexico and despite all the challenges we face as a country, we are very blessed to have Her here, so near and also that so many millions of persons still have such a devotion to Her. Nowhere in the world I have seen this.
A few hours ago the fireworks started and they will go on for the next day. You cannot forget whose birthday it tomorrow.
Hundreds of thousands of pilgrims are walking through the city streets tonight in freezing cold, sleeping where they can and this family was just one example. Some say in a couple of days over 2 millon persons will visit Her and that Tepeyac is the largest Marian site in the world, only competing with Lourdes and Fatima and the most visited Catholic one after St Peter.
I can only say its a very, very blessed place where one cannot be, but moved by the faith of the people visiting and Her.
Today in the early morning thousands of people will sing the "Mañanitas (our traditional birthday song) Here is a link to it and its very impressive if you have never seen it. Mañananitas
Today and tomorrow very specially I offer my prayers in Her land to all of you that are suffering, mourning, waiting or have a heavy heart.
Like a true Mother She has consoled me time and time again and my prayer tonight is that She also consoles you.
Please remember these words that She said to San Juan Diego and that She tells all of us:
“Hear me and understand well, my son the least, that nothing should frighten or grieve you. Let not your heart be disturbed. Do not fear that sickness, nor any other sickness or anguish. Am I not here, who is your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything"
¡Señora de Guadalupe, ruega por nosotros!
¡San Juan Diego, ruego por nosotros!
Friday, December 7, 2012
So so tired of IF....and doctors
Today I am fed up. Completely and absolutely tired of IF, doctors and medical exams, having to battle the medical establishment, not having Napro here, etc.
Its been a long 5 years of battles trying to be true to my faith while curing my body and they seem not to be over.
Dead tired.
Today I went to the hospital to get the results of my annual medical exam.
Since I had been under the care of Dr H and my local gynecologist I had not done one in years. Still I had not been feeling myself for a while and decided it was time to do it and my local doctor had recommended one a few months ago. I was sleeping well, eating healthy, yet could not shake the feeling that something was off.
This exam part of the compensation of my company and they offer a full medical exam a year at a top hospital to every employee. So last week I went since I had not done one in at least 5 years and during one full morning was checked for everything imaginable: X-rays, U/S, blood work, urine and stool samples, mamography, pap, nutrition, heart rates, etc. It was intensive to say they least since it was 7 hours of tests. I wanted to do it since I want to be as healthy as possible for JM.
After 1 week they make you come back to receive the analysis by the doctors and with their recommendations.
So I went today. I had a feeling I would not receive good news since they had sent my preliminary progesterone exam which was on p+8 40 and the only time it was this high was when I was pregnant.
Plus I had been feeling off for several weeks, tired, without energy, with very bad digestion.
While I did not expect to be pregnant (after 5 year you learn) it was a rollercoaster 5 days until AF arrived and also my cramps were bad for many days, something that I had not had in many months.
Well the results are:
So here we are... I called my Napro doctor friend here (who is not a gynecologist, but a general doctor) and she said:
So... here I am.
My local Catholic gynecologist has retired a few months ago and none of the doctors he left in his practice understands Napro or are as Catholic as he was, my local napro doctor is no gyngecologist and is just starting with Napro so she is still learning and still co consults everything, then PPVI is overwhelmed and working long distance with them is such a pain (plus translating everything into English not being a doctor)......
Now I have to seek answers from many different doctors and the most frustrating part, my body continues to tell me it has not been cured in the gynecological part after traveling thousands of miles for treatment, visiting and consulting with several doctors trying not to do anything against my faith.
Maybe I am having a very bad day, but today it seems it has not been even worth it.
Its been a long 5 years of battles trying to be true to my faith while curing my body and they seem not to be over.
Dead tired.
Today I went to the hospital to get the results of my annual medical exam.
Since I had been under the care of Dr H and my local gynecologist I had not done one in years. Still I had not been feeling myself for a while and decided it was time to do it and my local doctor had recommended one a few months ago. I was sleeping well, eating healthy, yet could not shake the feeling that something was off.
This exam part of the compensation of my company and they offer a full medical exam a year at a top hospital to every employee. So last week I went since I had not done one in at least 5 years and during one full morning was checked for everything imaginable: X-rays, U/S, blood work, urine and stool samples, mamography, pap, nutrition, heart rates, etc. It was intensive to say they least since it was 7 hours of tests. I wanted to do it since I want to be as healthy as possible for JM.
After 1 week they make you come back to receive the analysis by the doctors and with their recommendations.
So I went today. I had a feeling I would not receive good news since they had sent my preliminary progesterone exam which was on p+8 40 and the only time it was this high was when I was pregnant.
Plus I had been feeling off for several weeks, tired, without energy, with very bad digestion.
While I did not expect to be pregnant (after 5 year you learn) it was a rollercoaster 5 days until AF arrived and also my cramps were bad for many days, something that I had not had in many months.
Well the results are:
- Hypoglycemia for which the doctor recommended going to the endocrinologist. I have a history of low sugar and low blood pressure, but its seems to have increased in the intensity. He also said it could be that I had not eaten for the tests. So.... what to do now? He said I could try to cure it via eating often for the next month and seeing what happens. Maybe this will be the route I will take.
- Amoebas in the stool sample for which they recommend medicines (they could also be the cause of my tiredness of the last month). They need to be treated since amobeas can cause all kinds of bad things. And the medicines to treat them are nasty.
- Then my liver has some very high proteins which are a result of years of medicines so they recommendation was to take as little medicines as possible, but then he told me to treat the amobeas with medicines????? I told him it did not make sense and he said, well you cannot leave amobeas in your gut like this and its better to harm your liver??????.
- Then high percentage of fat vs muscle and while my BMI is normal, this is not healthy as well as my cardivascular recovery was low. The summary go do excercise and lose weight, but if you feel like !"·Q·%·$%? how in the world?? and with my sugar cravings due to the hipoglucemia?
- Then and this is the very frustrating IF part....
- No explanation for the high progesterone other than it could be the result of a cyst. Then he goes over to the page where an hemorragic cyst was seen in the U/S, borderline in size, so I need to do now an U/S to see it if has been resolved or I had a LUFs cycle or something like this. The doctor that was doing the U/S told me right then and there she was seeing it and that it did not seem normal. The doctor in the end cannot say the cyst caused the high progesterone, but told me to go to my gynecologist ASAP. This is the last thing an IF person needs
- Endometrial polyps when just 4 months ago I had a very expensive hysteroscopy done where 2 doctors, TWO, did not see a thing. One of them Napro. Well the report says many.... This made me shiver since I ended up in the hospital with a D&C 2 years ago to the date thinking it was a miscarriage with extremely heavy bleeding, but all was due to polyps. (I have a previous history of them and Dr H and my local doctor though it was a possible cause of my IF). The recommendation is to monitor them often due to this risk.
So here we are... I called my Napro doctor friend here (who is not a gynecologist, but a general doctor) and she said:
- Have an U/S now to see if the cyst is still there, then we will discuss next steps.
- Do an U/S series this cycle to see how you are ovulating
- For the polyps I would say the lab made a mistake, still I would double check with a gynecologist and then consult Gianna or Omaha for the high progesterone if it continues.
So... here I am.
My local Catholic gynecologist has retired a few months ago and none of the doctors he left in his practice understands Napro or are as Catholic as he was, my local napro doctor is no gyngecologist and is just starting with Napro so she is still learning and still co consults everything, then PPVI is overwhelmed and working long distance with them is such a pain (plus translating everything into English not being a doctor)......
Now I have to seek answers from many different doctors and the most frustrating part, my body continues to tell me it has not been cured in the gynecological part after traveling thousands of miles for treatment, visiting and consulting with several doctors trying not to do anything against my faith.
Maybe I am having a very bad day, but today it seems it has not been even worth it.
Monday, December 3, 2012
A vist to our son´s past
Today JM visited the nursery where he lived the first months of his life. It was an amazing experience.
As part of our second adoption process we had an interview with our agency founder that included both my DH and I and also bringing JM so she could see us interact.
As we entered the building some of the office workers got up to say hi and tell us how happy they were to see him again. It was such an amazing welcome. My mothers heart just melted.
I know they have hosted hundreds of babies, yet somehow I felt JM was special for them.
Then we went into the office of the director and she mentioned how handsome our son was and started playing with him. I was beaming. This was the woman that during prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament had made the final decision that he was our son.
But what almost got me to tears was a vist to the nursery.
Outside her office is a big patio and on one side of the patio is a huge window overlooking the nursery. It was filled with babies, maybe some 15 most very tiny just born or at the most 3 months of age.
Due to the time of day I was able to see the nursery in full working more. I held JM in my arms so he could look in and to see if he recognized it. This is an important part of his history and I want him to we a aware of it.
This is where he lived the first 3 months and 3 weeks of his life. He was born at a highly specialized women´s hospital in Mexico City and then transferred to our agency nursery during the wait period until his parental rights were finalized. In his case it took somewhat longer than normal since it was a very difficult decision for his biological mother and she canceled the final hearings several times.
The nursery is beautiful, full of light, with classical music playing on the background, very modern, with a play area, a kitchen, etc. Truly state of the art, yet homey.
JM was signaling and smiling looking through the window when a woman came to say hi. She recognized him and was blowing him kisses and telling him sweet words in Spanish.
She was one of the volunteers that comes every morning to hold the waiting babies in her arms, rock them to sleep, play and sing to them and in general offer the love these babies need.
An amazing woman that loved my son for these months while he waited.
There are several nurses each turn, but our agency is very famous for these women that volunteer most part of the day in doing the more motherly things. Such a crucial thing for these babies while they wait.
Then another woman, now a nurse, comes to the window and looks lovingly at JM. She also recognizes him and cannot keep her eyes from him. She is also very excited to see him.
We knew he had been a favorite there, but this blows my mind. More than a year later and they still remember him and I see the love they had for him in their eyes.
They held him when he was crying, rocked him to sleep, kissed him good night, and so many other things mothers do.
Later we see the mom in the hall and she tells us how wonderful its for her to see him again. That she loved him so very, very much. I see her love for him so clearly.
I have no words, how can I say what this means to me, his mother, that did not get to hold him these very precious months? When he came to us we could see clearly how loved and well taken care he had been. Our pediatrician even said that he could not believe how healthy and social he was.
How can every repay these amazing women that come to hold and take care of babies that they know so badly need it and then give them to their forever families without even meeting them, without even a word of thanks?
This is true love. Whoever said the prolife movement does not care about what happens to the women and babies has no idea of what its truly like. No idea.
I am forever thankful to these saints on earth. There is no way to repay them, no way.
As part of our second adoption process we had an interview with our agency founder that included both my DH and I and also bringing JM so she could see us interact.
As we entered the building some of the office workers got up to say hi and tell us how happy they were to see him again. It was such an amazing welcome. My mothers heart just melted.
I know they have hosted hundreds of babies, yet somehow I felt JM was special for them.
Then we went into the office of the director and she mentioned how handsome our son was and started playing with him. I was beaming. This was the woman that during prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament had made the final decision that he was our son.
But what almost got me to tears was a vist to the nursery.
Outside her office is a big patio and on one side of the patio is a huge window overlooking the nursery. It was filled with babies, maybe some 15 most very tiny just born or at the most 3 months of age.
Due to the time of day I was able to see the nursery in full working more. I held JM in my arms so he could look in and to see if he recognized it. This is an important part of his history and I want him to we a aware of it.
This is where he lived the first 3 months and 3 weeks of his life. He was born at a highly specialized women´s hospital in Mexico City and then transferred to our agency nursery during the wait period until his parental rights were finalized. In his case it took somewhat longer than normal since it was a very difficult decision for his biological mother and she canceled the final hearings several times.
The nursery is beautiful, full of light, with classical music playing on the background, very modern, with a play area, a kitchen, etc. Truly state of the art, yet homey.
JM was signaling and smiling looking through the window when a woman came to say hi. She recognized him and was blowing him kisses and telling him sweet words in Spanish.
She was one of the volunteers that comes every morning to hold the waiting babies in her arms, rock them to sleep, play and sing to them and in general offer the love these babies need.
An amazing woman that loved my son for these months while he waited.
There are several nurses each turn, but our agency is very famous for these women that volunteer most part of the day in doing the more motherly things. Such a crucial thing for these babies while they wait.
Then another woman, now a nurse, comes to the window and looks lovingly at JM. She also recognizes him and cannot keep her eyes from him. She is also very excited to see him.
We knew he had been a favorite there, but this blows my mind. More than a year later and they still remember him and I see the love they had for him in their eyes.
They held him when he was crying, rocked him to sleep, kissed him good night, and so many other things mothers do.
Later we see the mom in the hall and she tells us how wonderful its for her to see him again. That she loved him so very, very much. I see her love for him so clearly.
I have no words, how can I say what this means to me, his mother, that did not get to hold him these very precious months? When he came to us we could see clearly how loved and well taken care he had been. Our pediatrician even said that he could not believe how healthy and social he was.
How can every repay these amazing women that come to hold and take care of babies that they know so badly need it and then give them to their forever families without even meeting them, without even a word of thanks?
This is true love. Whoever said the prolife movement does not care about what happens to the women and babies has no idea of what its truly like. No idea.
I am forever thankful to these saints on earth. There is no way to repay them, no way.
Friday, November 30, 2012
The other side of the adoption coin
I have not been able to put into writing what I lived last Tuesday. My heart and mind have been processing it, but I need to share it somewhere where people will understand the enormity of it.
On Monday I traveled to Guadalajara, a beautiful city in the Western side of Mexico and where I spent a couple a couple of days for work. My team and I had a very large event there to launch a marketing program and I left Monday afternoon after spending lunch with DH and JM.
This city is where my maternal grandparents lived most of their lives. Just landing there brought some of the happiest memories of my life, still Monday was a very difficult day on many aspects and I could not wait to come back home on Tuesday night.
When the national director of our adoption found out I was traveling there they wanted to meet with me urgently. Their national offices are there and she wanted to meet me for the very first time, despite having crossed several emails by now.
Time was very limited so they arranged to come pick me up at the event venue, drive me to their offices hava lunch and from there to the airport. They understand that with JM, my work and a second adoption I have very little time and just wanted to ask me for marketing advice.
The house and offices were beautiful. Brand new and just designed for them. A very large space for the chapel (it will take some months still to be finished but it looks like it will be amazing).
This place is both their national headquarters and the house where they house the girls and women that are facing a crisis pregnancy in their state. They are completely separate areas for both.
15 women were staying there right now, with a couple more, very, very young arriving this weekend. They can house up to 30 now so they are trying to get more women to find out about them.
So I meet with both the national communications director also an amazing, amazing woman and the national director. Their passion, commitment and openness to hear advice was outstanding.
Basically they told me what they are facing.
They have more than 30 locations opened (some are houses and some are just referral centers) in all of Mexico. 70% of the women that come to them come via internet, but they do not have a strategy for this. They know they could help hundreds more, but do not even know where to start.
Several people had offered to help them and have caused more damage than helped and even one case saw this for political gain. They explained that You..Tub.e and their site were crucial to helping hundreds of women who did not know where to turn and as more Mexican states grant permission for abortion the need is even more urgent.
They explain to me that it not only offering a way our of abortion, but this is only a small part of their work. It breaking the cycle of violence towards women, but also breaking the cycle of children on the streets and abuse. Early intervention is key and their success rates are outstanding. So far they have housed over 8 thousand women and counting and in each ones of their lives made a difference. Adoption is also part of the equation.
So we go to lunch. Due to time we had to eat at the crisis pregnancy center dining area. Once a week the office workers eat with the biological mothers. Well Tuesday was such a day and they invite me to lunch.. So I reach a very large room with several tables and I see some filled with pregnant girls.
Me an adoptive mother among biological mothers. My heart is pounding.
I sit at one of the tables and I see a very, very young girl, that looked like 12 pregnant and right beside her another girl sitting right in front of me.
They are very shy and hardly look up the whole time. We ask them how long they have been here and both say one month.
And the other girl says: "We are sisters and we came together".
I think maybe the older is there for her sister or maybe there is a family crisis and the agency is housing her also to protect her. I ask them how they found this place and one of them says: "My mom looked via internet".
This only confirms the urgent need to do something.
Well I learn their ages: one 14, the other 17, both looking much younger and looking sooo scared.
Its obvious they come from very, very humble backgrounds. The older one even struggling with how to cut a piece of meat with a knife and fork and probably having tasted broccoli for the very first time. The love and attention they receive from the house mothers is amazing.
Such patience, such care. Christ was truly there.
I compare my mind the women taking care of them to Jesus washing the feet of the apostles.
The older girl at the middle of lunch begins to feel sick and I learn then she is also pregnant.
Oh, my God!
She is not showing so I had no idea.
Both underage sisters and both pregnant. The 14 year old 7 months along and the 17 is 3 months along.
Their desperate father brought them to the house both a month ago not knowing where to turn.
I do not know more about the story: if it was rape, abuse, just ignorance, but it does not matter.
A family destroyed. Also 2 young lives and 2 babies that will be born to 2 mothers that are in no way prepared.
I leave the agency speechless. The pain of what I just saw stays in my heart.
I come home that night at 8 pm and since I always give JM his bath, dinner, I am very sad to have missed it.
He goes to bed at 7, but my DH tells me he has been jumping in bed for the last hour which is not normal. My DH says he has been waiting for me.
I go almost running into his room and he shivers from the excitement of seeing me. He just learned how to kiss and he covers me in kisses. He is soooo excited to see me that he applauds and does not want to let go of me. Its perhaps the time in his whole life where he has been most excited to see me.
Maybe he knows his mom needs it after what she has seen.
I also cover him in kisses. He then goes placidly to sleep after we read a while and pray.
This heals my heart, yet seeing this side of the adoption coin has broken a little piece of my heart forever.
On Wednesday I talk to my boss about what I had seen. He grants me permission and budget to hire one of the best agencies we can find to help them. All that is needed and some more. Thank you God!
He says we have a responsibility since we have been given so much in our work and this labor is crucial to save children. Break the cycle of poverty and ignorance. I am truly blessed.
I write the agency and they cannot believe this. It has been needed for years now.
Since my time is so limited I will need to outsource most of the help , yet the opportunity is amazing. As one priest told me one day, God put me where I am working right now for a reason. I am starting to see it despite being many times sad of having to work full time.
Please, please keep this in your prayers and also both of this girls and their babies.
They truly, truly need them.
On Monday I traveled to Guadalajara, a beautiful city in the Western side of Mexico and where I spent a couple a couple of days for work. My team and I had a very large event there to launch a marketing program and I left Monday afternoon after spending lunch with DH and JM.
This city is where my maternal grandparents lived most of their lives. Just landing there brought some of the happiest memories of my life, still Monday was a very difficult day on many aspects and I could not wait to come back home on Tuesday night.
When the national director of our adoption found out I was traveling there they wanted to meet with me urgently. Their national offices are there and she wanted to meet me for the very first time, despite having crossed several emails by now.
Time was very limited so they arranged to come pick me up at the event venue, drive me to their offices hava lunch and from there to the airport. They understand that with JM, my work and a second adoption I have very little time and just wanted to ask me for marketing advice.
The house and offices were beautiful. Brand new and just designed for them. A very large space for the chapel (it will take some months still to be finished but it looks like it will be amazing).
This place is both their national headquarters and the house where they house the girls and women that are facing a crisis pregnancy in their state. They are completely separate areas for both.
15 women were staying there right now, with a couple more, very, very young arriving this weekend. They can house up to 30 now so they are trying to get more women to find out about them.
So I meet with both the national communications director also an amazing, amazing woman and the national director. Their passion, commitment and openness to hear advice was outstanding.
Basically they told me what they are facing.
They have more than 30 locations opened (some are houses and some are just referral centers) in all of Mexico. 70% of the women that come to them come via internet, but they do not have a strategy for this. They know they could help hundreds more, but do not even know where to start.
Several people had offered to help them and have caused more damage than helped and even one case saw this for political gain. They explained that You..Tub.e and their site were crucial to helping hundreds of women who did not know where to turn and as more Mexican states grant permission for abortion the need is even more urgent.
They explain to me that it not only offering a way our of abortion, but this is only a small part of their work. It breaking the cycle of violence towards women, but also breaking the cycle of children on the streets and abuse. Early intervention is key and their success rates are outstanding. So far they have housed over 8 thousand women and counting and in each ones of their lives made a difference. Adoption is also part of the equation.
So we go to lunch. Due to time we had to eat at the crisis pregnancy center dining area. Once a week the office workers eat with the biological mothers. Well Tuesday was such a day and they invite me to lunch.. So I reach a very large room with several tables and I see some filled with pregnant girls.
Me an adoptive mother among biological mothers. My heart is pounding.
I sit at one of the tables and I see a very, very young girl, that looked like 12 pregnant and right beside her another girl sitting right in front of me.
They are very shy and hardly look up the whole time. We ask them how long they have been here and both say one month.
And the other girl says: "We are sisters and we came together".
I think maybe the older is there for her sister or maybe there is a family crisis and the agency is housing her also to protect her. I ask them how they found this place and one of them says: "My mom looked via internet".
This only confirms the urgent need to do something.
Well I learn their ages: one 14, the other 17, both looking much younger and looking sooo scared.
Its obvious they come from very, very humble backgrounds. The older one even struggling with how to cut a piece of meat with a knife and fork and probably having tasted broccoli for the very first time. The love and attention they receive from the house mothers is amazing.
Such patience, such care. Christ was truly there.
I compare my mind the women taking care of them to Jesus washing the feet of the apostles.
The older girl at the middle of lunch begins to feel sick and I learn then she is also pregnant.
Oh, my God!
She is not showing so I had no idea.
Both underage sisters and both pregnant. The 14 year old 7 months along and the 17 is 3 months along.
Their desperate father brought them to the house both a month ago not knowing where to turn.
I do not know more about the story: if it was rape, abuse, just ignorance, but it does not matter.
A family destroyed. Also 2 young lives and 2 babies that will be born to 2 mothers that are in no way prepared.
I leave the agency speechless. The pain of what I just saw stays in my heart.
I come home that night at 8 pm and since I always give JM his bath, dinner, I am very sad to have missed it.
He goes to bed at 7, but my DH tells me he has been jumping in bed for the last hour which is not normal. My DH says he has been waiting for me.
I go almost running into his room and he shivers from the excitement of seeing me. He just learned how to kiss and he covers me in kisses. He is soooo excited to see me that he applauds and does not want to let go of me. Its perhaps the time in his whole life where he has been most excited to see me.
Maybe he knows his mom needs it after what she has seen.
I also cover him in kisses. He then goes placidly to sleep after we read a while and pray.
This heals my heart, yet seeing this side of the adoption coin has broken a little piece of my heart forever.
On Wednesday I talk to my boss about what I had seen. He grants me permission and budget to hire one of the best agencies we can find to help them. All that is needed and some more. Thank you God!
He says we have a responsibility since we have been given so much in our work and this labor is crucial to save children. Break the cycle of poverty and ignorance. I am truly blessed.
I write the agency and they cannot believe this. It has been needed for years now.
Since my time is so limited I will need to outsource most of the help , yet the opportunity is amazing. As one priest told me one day, God put me where I am working right now for a reason. I am starting to see it despite being many times sad of having to work full time.
Please, please keep this in your prayers and also both of this girls and their babies.
They truly, truly need them.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
how to find the time?
The last weeks pulled into so many directions and I am not sure how to make the time for important things or not feel so bad about not having the time for them.
I know I am very tired right now and there are only so many hours in the day. Between JM and work there isn`t time for anything else, yet I feel like its not enough and feel so bad for letting other things down.
I leave every morning before dawn. My office is very near a construction area and traffic has become impossible. It will take some months still for this to be resolved and until then I need to work around this.
I much prefer not facing traffic than spending an hour stuck in it so I am leaving home between 6:45 a.m and 7:00 a.m and arriving at the office around 7:30 a.m or before. I am usually one of the very first in the office together with my boss. I also see this as the best way to be home earlier.
Before I was able to spend several days a week home doing home office, but I am training right now my 2 new reports and my presence is needed until they feel more secure. They should be able to take a large work load of me, but they are very young and I have to spend countless hours training them and supporting them. Our work is highly specialized and it took me years to learn, not I cannot ask a lot more of them. We are still missing the 4th member of the team and with the very strict criteria my company has its seems that it will take far more time than expected. .
I thought their coming would ease things, but some things take double the time since I am also teaching them. I am hoping this is temporary, but until then its an incredible draining thing since we are implementing like there are 4 people 100% on board, but we are only at maybe 2 full time persons in terms of their and my capacity to take on projects. To say this is stressful is an understatement.
On other aspects of work things could not be better, yet the mental challenge is huge. The level of my peers is very high and every day I need to be a the top of my game. My team has done great in our annual review and we have become an international focus area due to our success and large potential. All eyes now are on us since they have discovered now our department. Mails from people all over are pouring in.
As I have blogged here I need to work, as basically right now I am the sole support of our family (an added stress to be sure). My DH has still not found a job and we will need to pay our way with the adoption and we do not want to close the biological door yet with the very expensive medicines.
My DH has taken most of the load at home, specially JM and this gives me great peace since JM is with him a large part of the day and he is an amazing father.
Still I run through the day to leave as early as possible to be home with both and since most people are way younger and single they have all day to get things done even into the night and many times do not understand why I focus so much on getting all done as fast as possible.
No meetings in the afternoon (so my morning is booked solid with no email time) no personal emails, no FB, almost no time for personal calls. My hours there are fully dedicated to getting work done in as little hours as possible, but as much as I try it has not been possible.
The idea was to leave at 3 p.m, but I am able only Monday´s and work from home Friday which has happened only once. The rest of the week I leave between 4 and 5 and travel home in 20 to 30 minutes and spend until 8 p.m with JM. Then its some house pendings, time with DH, sometimes a little email time and I collapse into bed.
The last weeks have been extra hectic : the largest event of the year with over 3 thousand participants and then a series of trips to launch a marketing program. December looks much much better thanks God.
I have a very priviledged position in a great company (my boss continues to fight for 5 months maternity leave for our second adoption which does not exist in any other company here) and I see also that from there I can do a lot of good. 2 crisis pregnancy centers have gotten support from our company NGO program with me helping them on the process and my team has been given permission to support 3 additional NGOs in their marketing and web strategy (via agencies so minimal extra work for us) . I look so much forward to this and thank God its part of the things that I can do at work.
I really thank God that my job is not only a way to support our family, but it also has a meaning beyond the paycheck. I really know we can make a difference.
So this is in summary my week, all my time is dedicated to work and my family.
Weekends are to catch up with housework, my parents, brother and my political family and to go to Mass. Time with friends and mass during the week has been extremely limited, yet I know I can only do so much for now.
At the same time I feel very bad for not dedicating more time to 3 other crucial things (apart from daily mass and friends):
My health, to Napro and to help our adoption agency.
Regarding my health: I went to the functional medicine doctor last week and it became painfully clear that I need to focus on it, not only for fertility, but to be a better mother and wife. I barely have energy these days and my digestion is getting worse and worse. We have snack areas all around the office with tons of yummy stuff, plus my boss is a terrible snacker , plus the added stress and the lack of time for excercise and the combination is lethal.
The doctor believes that I have developed full blown milk and wheat allergy as well as leaky guy syndrome and disbiosis from all the antibiotics taken during and after my miscarriage (I have been given 4 rounds of extremely high doses of antibiotics in the last year and a half).
We spent over one and a half hours talking and after many tests and questions this was his conclusion.
I had for years perfect digestion, but now most days I feel bloated, I cannot digest things that I could in the past, I have not excercised in many months and have gained weigth. I am an older mother and I need to be there for JM so this needs to be part of my life.
Also he explained there is no way to get pregnant (even with "perfect" hormones) if digestion is off . He reviewed all my tests and said that he thinks fixing digestion and lowering inflammation could help us get pregnant again. For TCM, which he also practices, digestion is key for fertility In summary if the digestion is bad you cannot get the reproductive house working.
So he sent me to the nutritionist for a very strict diet. No milk, no wheat, no sugar, no caffeine and so it goes, plus very strong probiotics and l-glutamine and medicines for candida. I will have to make time, not only for my sake, but also for JM sakes. I feel so bad to have slacked of on my health, but now I need to make the time. Nutrition, excercise and relaxation.... not sure how I will manage.
Tomorrow also is the day I will have my annual check-up at the hospital. Seven hours of tests, yikes!!!! have not done it in years and what better time than now where I need to really to restart a healthy routine, plus at no cost to me so I needed to make the effort
Western medicine will probably say all is normal and only to lose weight, but I have come to be a believer in functional medicine and the check up will help see if there is anything else to do.
On the Napro side the bishop continues calling me very excited about everything, just a few days ago he called referring to us one of his nephews and he continues to be there all the time. To have this bishop in love with Napro is God sent, yet I feel so torn right now, like I am failing him personally .
On the client side I still have many active clients and each day I receive new referrals and some even say they want to wait until I have time, yet I am not accepting any new clients. I truly have to make a major effort to see my first clients at nights.
I get several emails a week on this and I feel like I am failing every one now that we have some money, but I have less time than ever. And lets not go to the development of Napro here or the constant emails by PPVI, who has zero resources to help here. I do not see how I can manage this on top of everything else
I also feel very torn in terms our adoption agency. They gave us the biggest gift of our life and I have seen time and time again how they have saved so many lives. With our second adoption on the way, I will spend many nights in courses in the next months, but they also are asking me for added help.
A few months ago I was able to guide them in their application process for a very large grant and they won it and since then they asked me to join their national communications advisory committee. Its a very large agency with houses in over 25 cites and I told them that I could only advice and spend a couple of hours a month on this and that was the plan.
I attended several meetings and it was very clear that they are lost when it comes to marketing.
Completely and absolutely lost.
I have been working in marketing now for over 15 years and one thing that I specialized in years ago was Social Marketing and now online marketing and its very painful to see that they do great work, but in this part are so lacking.
70% of the women they help come through online media and they know they are not helping hundreds because their bad strategy. They have capacity to help many more women and babies, yet they do now have this expertise.
The numbers of women and babies that could be helped with a good online strategy are staggering, yet the more I advise them on the next steps, the more needs appear and the more time it requires on my part. I am trying to find them a good agency, but they have no idea how to manage it and it becomes more and more tangled and more time on my part is needed.
Three very, very important things, yet I know my health should come first and the rest I will need to focus on later.
Still I truly cannot help, but feel terrible about it.
I know I am very tired right now and there are only so many hours in the day. Between JM and work there isn`t time for anything else, yet I feel like its not enough and feel so bad for letting other things down.
I leave every morning before dawn. My office is very near a construction area and traffic has become impossible. It will take some months still for this to be resolved and until then I need to work around this.
I much prefer not facing traffic than spending an hour stuck in it so I am leaving home between 6:45 a.m and 7:00 a.m and arriving at the office around 7:30 a.m or before. I am usually one of the very first in the office together with my boss. I also see this as the best way to be home earlier.
Before I was able to spend several days a week home doing home office, but I am training right now my 2 new reports and my presence is needed until they feel more secure. They should be able to take a large work load of me, but they are very young and I have to spend countless hours training them and supporting them. Our work is highly specialized and it took me years to learn, not I cannot ask a lot more of them. We are still missing the 4th member of the team and with the very strict criteria my company has its seems that it will take far more time than expected. .
I thought their coming would ease things, but some things take double the time since I am also teaching them. I am hoping this is temporary, but until then its an incredible draining thing since we are implementing like there are 4 people 100% on board, but we are only at maybe 2 full time persons in terms of their and my capacity to take on projects. To say this is stressful is an understatement.
On other aspects of work things could not be better, yet the mental challenge is huge. The level of my peers is very high and every day I need to be a the top of my game. My team has done great in our annual review and we have become an international focus area due to our success and large potential. All eyes now are on us since they have discovered now our department. Mails from people all over are pouring in.
As I have blogged here I need to work, as basically right now I am the sole support of our family (an added stress to be sure). My DH has still not found a job and we will need to pay our way with the adoption and we do not want to close the biological door yet with the very expensive medicines.
My DH has taken most of the load at home, specially JM and this gives me great peace since JM is with him a large part of the day and he is an amazing father.
Still I run through the day to leave as early as possible to be home with both and since most people are way younger and single they have all day to get things done even into the night and many times do not understand why I focus so much on getting all done as fast as possible.
No meetings in the afternoon (so my morning is booked solid with no email time) no personal emails, no FB, almost no time for personal calls. My hours there are fully dedicated to getting work done in as little hours as possible, but as much as I try it has not been possible.
The idea was to leave at 3 p.m, but I am able only Monday´s and work from home Friday which has happened only once. The rest of the week I leave between 4 and 5 and travel home in 20 to 30 minutes and spend until 8 p.m with JM. Then its some house pendings, time with DH, sometimes a little email time and I collapse into bed.
The last weeks have been extra hectic : the largest event of the year with over 3 thousand participants and then a series of trips to launch a marketing program. December looks much much better thanks God.
I have a very priviledged position in a great company (my boss continues to fight for 5 months maternity leave for our second adoption which does not exist in any other company here) and I see also that from there I can do a lot of good. 2 crisis pregnancy centers have gotten support from our company NGO program with me helping them on the process and my team has been given permission to support 3 additional NGOs in their marketing and web strategy (via agencies so minimal extra work for us) . I look so much forward to this and thank God its part of the things that I can do at work.
I really thank God that my job is not only a way to support our family, but it also has a meaning beyond the paycheck. I really know we can make a difference.
So this is in summary my week, all my time is dedicated to work and my family.
Weekends are to catch up with housework, my parents, brother and my political family and to go to Mass. Time with friends and mass during the week has been extremely limited, yet I know I can only do so much for now.
At the same time I feel very bad for not dedicating more time to 3 other crucial things (apart from daily mass and friends):
My health, to Napro and to help our adoption agency.
Regarding my health: I went to the functional medicine doctor last week and it became painfully clear that I need to focus on it, not only for fertility, but to be a better mother and wife. I barely have energy these days and my digestion is getting worse and worse. We have snack areas all around the office with tons of yummy stuff, plus my boss is a terrible snacker , plus the added stress and the lack of time for excercise and the combination is lethal.
The doctor believes that I have developed full blown milk and wheat allergy as well as leaky guy syndrome and disbiosis from all the antibiotics taken during and after my miscarriage (I have been given 4 rounds of extremely high doses of antibiotics in the last year and a half).
We spent over one and a half hours talking and after many tests and questions this was his conclusion.
I had for years perfect digestion, but now most days I feel bloated, I cannot digest things that I could in the past, I have not excercised in many months and have gained weigth. I am an older mother and I need to be there for JM so this needs to be part of my life.
Also he explained there is no way to get pregnant (even with "perfect" hormones) if digestion is off . He reviewed all my tests and said that he thinks fixing digestion and lowering inflammation could help us get pregnant again. For TCM, which he also practices, digestion is key for fertility In summary if the digestion is bad you cannot get the reproductive house working.
So he sent me to the nutritionist for a very strict diet. No milk, no wheat, no sugar, no caffeine and so it goes, plus very strong probiotics and l-glutamine and medicines for candida. I will have to make time, not only for my sake, but also for JM sakes. I feel so bad to have slacked of on my health, but now I need to make the time. Nutrition, excercise and relaxation.... not sure how I will manage.
Tomorrow also is the day I will have my annual check-up at the hospital. Seven hours of tests, yikes!!!! have not done it in years and what better time than now where I need to really to restart a healthy routine, plus at no cost to me so I needed to make the effort
Western medicine will probably say all is normal and only to lose weight, but I have come to be a believer in functional medicine and the check up will help see if there is anything else to do.
On the Napro side the bishop continues calling me very excited about everything, just a few days ago he called referring to us one of his nephews and he continues to be there all the time. To have this bishop in love with Napro is God sent, yet I feel so torn right now, like I am failing him personally .
On the client side I still have many active clients and each day I receive new referrals and some even say they want to wait until I have time, yet I am not accepting any new clients. I truly have to make a major effort to see my first clients at nights.
I get several emails a week on this and I feel like I am failing every one now that we have some money, but I have less time than ever. And lets not go to the development of Napro here or the constant emails by PPVI, who has zero resources to help here. I do not see how I can manage this on top of everything else
I also feel very torn in terms our adoption agency. They gave us the biggest gift of our life and I have seen time and time again how they have saved so many lives. With our second adoption on the way, I will spend many nights in courses in the next months, but they also are asking me for added help.
A few months ago I was able to guide them in their application process for a very large grant and they won it and since then they asked me to join their national communications advisory committee. Its a very large agency with houses in over 25 cites and I told them that I could only advice and spend a couple of hours a month on this and that was the plan.
I attended several meetings and it was very clear that they are lost when it comes to marketing.
Completely and absolutely lost.
I have been working in marketing now for over 15 years and one thing that I specialized in years ago was Social Marketing and now online marketing and its very painful to see that they do great work, but in this part are so lacking.
70% of the women they help come through online media and they know they are not helping hundreds because their bad strategy. They have capacity to help many more women and babies, yet they do now have this expertise.
The numbers of women and babies that could be helped with a good online strategy are staggering, yet the more I advise them on the next steps, the more needs appear and the more time it requires on my part. I am trying to find them a good agency, but they have no idea how to manage it and it becomes more and more tangled and more time on my part is needed.
Three very, very important things, yet I know my health should come first and the rest I will need to focus on later.
Still I truly cannot help, but feel terrible about it.
Monday, November 19, 2012
when you see others suffer due to IF
A person near and dear to me is suffering from IF.
I cannot go into details in case somebody IRL is reading this, but I really love her and her DH. They are an amazing, devoted couple.
They have done everything right. Got married in Church, prepared themsleves for the sacrament and did not live together prior to marriage, used NFP always and when they felt the time was the right one decided to start a family with a lot of hope.
It took them a few months then, but she got pregnant and then at 11 weeks miscarried completely unexpectedly as everything had been perfect so far.
My heart weeped for them then and continues to weep for them.
Well they tried on their own for a while and then went to the doctor (my own gynecologist) who said just to relax,.
Months and months passed and one day her DH came to me filled with desperation and asked me to teach them Creigthon as they thought they needed to move forward and were clear they could not do IVF which would be the recommendations of other doctors .
And so it started.
Front row view of the pain of loved ones.
Soon her charts showed some hormonal issues and so I refered them to the only doctor I could that would understand her charts. The doctor was just learning Napro, but decided to take the case and consult if needed .
Me guiding them and knowing full well the difficult road ahead doing Napro in a country where its just starting, with limited knowledge, many medicines and test protocols not available.
Still I just did not know how hard their road would be.
Well a few days ago her parents came to visit and will be staying with them for a month due to a medical treatment her father must have here .
I knew her mother kept comparing her to her very fertile sister (6 children and counting), but I did not know the extent of her lack of understanding and even cruelty.
A few days ago in front of several friends including me she said: I want to go home to my other daughter since she has given me grandchildren and I do not have anything to do here as there are none.
My heart broke and could see her dying inside. .
What can I say to heal her heart?
The local doctor has begun giving them medicines a few montgs ago and told them to use them up to a year and only then consider a lap. I want to help them move faster since I know they need it, but at the very same time we have such limited resources here that I cannot refer them to anybody else.
And her mother continued saying many other idiotic things, even one refering to adoption and biological mothers that I had to stand from the table and walk away in order not to scream at her. (it had to do with the need to "neuter" them after they gave up their child for adoption).
Complete and absolute ingnorance. I am still fuming days later.
My friends went away this weekend to travel as they had planned a few months ago (and most probably escape this woman) and her mother said: " Bring me a grandchild or do not come back"
All of this in front of several of us. Her DH just looked at her mother trying not to scream also at her.
How my heart aches for her.
I truly cannot fantom suffering from IF and having this mother.
My own mother who heard this cringed. She knew from my own suffering how deep this would hurt her.
Her DH is livid, but these are her parents and going into a gigantic fight while her father is fighting an illness would not be wise. He just mantains as much distance as possible.
They continue to hope in Napro, but have not been successful and they are becoming more and more despondent.
Since my story has not been successful I truly do not know what to do to tell them to still hope.
Next step is probably PPVI, but they are not ready yet to do international treatments.
Still I see the suffering in their eyes, and now increasing each day due to her idiotic mother.
How can I help? I cannot tell her what I truly think about her mother, but I want to make her feel understood.
What would you do?
I cannot go into details in case somebody IRL is reading this, but I really love her and her DH. They are an amazing, devoted couple.
They have done everything right. Got married in Church, prepared themsleves for the sacrament and did not live together prior to marriage, used NFP always and when they felt the time was the right one decided to start a family with a lot of hope.
It took them a few months then, but she got pregnant and then at 11 weeks miscarried completely unexpectedly as everything had been perfect so far.
My heart weeped for them then and continues to weep for them.
Well they tried on their own for a while and then went to the doctor (my own gynecologist) who said just to relax,.
Months and months passed and one day her DH came to me filled with desperation and asked me to teach them Creigthon as they thought they needed to move forward and were clear they could not do IVF which would be the recommendations of other doctors .
And so it started.
Front row view of the pain of loved ones.
Soon her charts showed some hormonal issues and so I refered them to the only doctor I could that would understand her charts. The doctor was just learning Napro, but decided to take the case and consult if needed .
Me guiding them and knowing full well the difficult road ahead doing Napro in a country where its just starting, with limited knowledge, many medicines and test protocols not available.
Still I just did not know how hard their road would be.
Well a few days ago her parents came to visit and will be staying with them for a month due to a medical treatment her father must have here .
I knew her mother kept comparing her to her very fertile sister (6 children and counting), but I did not know the extent of her lack of understanding and even cruelty.
A few days ago in front of several friends including me she said: I want to go home to my other daughter since she has given me grandchildren and I do not have anything to do here as there are none.
My heart broke and could see her dying inside. .
What can I say to heal her heart?
The local doctor has begun giving them medicines a few montgs ago and told them to use them up to a year and only then consider a lap. I want to help them move faster since I know they need it, but at the very same time we have such limited resources here that I cannot refer them to anybody else.
And her mother continued saying many other idiotic things, even one refering to adoption and biological mothers that I had to stand from the table and walk away in order not to scream at her. (it had to do with the need to "neuter" them after they gave up their child for adoption).
Complete and absolute ingnorance. I am still fuming days later.
My friends went away this weekend to travel as they had planned a few months ago (and most probably escape this woman) and her mother said: " Bring me a grandchild or do not come back"
All of this in front of several of us. Her DH just looked at her mother trying not to scream also at her.
How my heart aches for her.
I truly cannot fantom suffering from IF and having this mother.
My own mother who heard this cringed. She knew from my own suffering how deep this would hurt her.
Her DH is livid, but these are her parents and going into a gigantic fight while her father is fighting an illness would not be wise. He just mantains as much distance as possible.
They continue to hope in Napro, but have not been successful and they are becoming more and more despondent.
Since my story has not been successful I truly do not know what to do to tell them to still hope.
Next step is probably PPVI, but they are not ready yet to do international treatments.
Still I see the suffering in their eyes, and now increasing each day due to her idiotic mother.
How can I help? I cannot tell her what I truly think about her mother, but I want to make her feel understood.
What would you do?
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