On work and motherhood

I returned to work a week and a half ago and while I am happy with my new company and at peace about our decision, I have gotten some reactions from other women that have deeply saddened me.

The reactions have not come  from men, but from other  women, all of them mothers.

It was not an easy decision, but one that I knew one day would come as we need my job at this time.

 If it were my choice I would work part time or from a job at home only a few hours a day and dedicate most of my time to Josemaria until he is older.

Since I was so conflicted in the beginning  (I was raised by SAHM and  for many years believed this was the very best option) I talked to many  other mothers about their experiences, my own mom, my sister which is a psychologist specializing in children, visited day care centers, read several books and talked at lenght to our pediatritian.

I wanted to  ensure to make the very best decisions for Josemaria.

One of the best insights came from my mom.  She told me that in the past children were raised by a group, actually in a large family where not only the mom was the one there with him, that babies thrived in a community of love and  the more we were able to give him a stucture of love and several stable people giving him love he would be all right.

In the end  after many talks between DH and I,  I switched jobs to a company that has great family policies  and flexible schedules ( it even has maternal leave for adoption for 4 to 5 months with full pay), my DH moved his office hours, we decided on nanny care and spent weeks preparing everything for my return.

 We even considered selling our appartment and moving closer to our offices which might be an option in the future.

 Our priority was and always will be Josemaria and we have been blessed with being able to make these decisions since I know many people that need two jobs and do not have these options...


My DH or me are there when he wakes up (around 7 a.m) most of the time fully dressed to be 100%  with him , then he dresses him, gives him breakfast and spends a couple of hours playing and dancing with him (yes, he dances around with him singing to him traditional Mexican childrens songs) and then leaves for work at 9:30 a.m. I leave early, but get to spend some time with him also.   We decided this so I could arrive early from work and my DH would be able to spend some quality time with his son.

I arrive around 5 pm or before and spend the next 2 hours with him fully. I do not do anything else,  but play with him, hug  and kiss him like crazy, bathe him and give him dinner.  Then I sing to him (very badly) or read to him until he falls asleep. I always speak with his nanny in depth about his day and together we decide next days activities when he is not having his daily naps (he sleeps 12 hours each night and has one or 2 naps a day, sleeping some 2 hours on average). I call once or twice a day to check on him.

One day a week I leave at 3 p.m and go with Josemaria to a mom and baby class which we both love.

Weekends we are fully dedicated to him and our families.

Once I get the hang from my job the idea is to arrive home earlier and also to work from home a couple of days a week.

We decided daycare was not for us,  nor Josemaria at this time and we are inmensely blessed to have an amazing woman taking care of him for the day until I arrive.   She and him have fallen in love completly, I loved the way I saw she was raising her son, she has taken care of several babies  and I spent 5 months at home watching her and Josemaria interact.   She truly loves him and Josemaria her.

I think  we have tried to  make the most of a  non  perfect  situation,


Yet some women have judged me without knowing anything about us  and why we have made the decision of me to return to work after 5 months of maternity leave. Comments about being too career driven, having not clear priorities,  the damage to my baby, etc. 


Comments about one perfect way to raise a child.  

One in specific made my blood boil yesterday and I need to write this post to make sense of it.

 She is a contractor working for my department at my new company.  She is a mother of a 15 year old girl and a 12 year old boy.

I had a meeting with her to understand her role in out team, since I will be working closely with her.

During this meeting yesterday she spent 30 minutes telling me she had chosen to be a contractor since it was the best way to be a mother.   She worked the hours she wanted and moved her hours around (which is not completly true)

She told me that she worked  full time while her first child  was young and that  she always regreted working,  lost tons of opportunities to be with her,  then had an emotional breakdown when she was expecting the second. She right then decided to leave work and dedicate herself to her family until they were older.

She then  told me that at the beginning they did not have a lot of money so she had to work, yet when she had the option she quit.   .  She does not know that I need to work and she kept mentioning  that she would never understand why a woman with my economic level would chose to work (if she only knew)

 She said she would never ever have a corporate job (clearly refering to mine) and that actually my company had offered her one a couple of years ago and she had said no (also in clear reference to me).  

She then spent 10 minutes telling me to enjoy my son, not to waste my time in other things, with him being so small, etc.  In a few words  not  to waste my time working.

I had to stop her then and ask her why she was telling me all of this and she told me it was only to make me understand why she was a contractor and that she would not be available for me to work all the time (which I never ever expected).

 That she , not like me,  had her priorities straight (almost exact words)

I was made feel like a complete selfish and bad mother by another mother .  I almost cried after the meeting and had a deep sadness all afternnoon doubting my decision to work (I later spoke with my boss about her and it became clear there were other reasons behind her words) . 

Yet this is not the first time since this has happened with other mothers in the last weeks , but this was the worst one.

I am writing this since I need an outlet!!!!!!!!!


Why cannot we understand that as mothers we are making our very best to be good ones? 


We should support each other, not attack other mothers making some hard choices!!! 


 We do not know the exact circumstances of each one of us and we should not make assumptions .  

If we decide to homeschool, send our children to parochial or public school, work from home, stay at home and be a housewife, have a full time, part time job ,  etc and our children are thriving and we have their best interest at heart who are we to judge?

If we at heart have the well being of our children and make them our priority we are being good mothers.

When mothers do not really care about the children,  but many other things such a money, power, etc,  then the priorities  are clearly not where  they should be.  

Our mothering decisions should depend on the individual circumstances of the child, the marriage  and each woman.

For example my mom was a stay at home mother.  All her life.  When I a year and a half she decided to send me to kindergarten  for several  hours a day since she was seeing that I needed it,.  But with my sister she waited until she was 3. Each child has individual needs.

Each day I see Josemaria thriving, he is reaching each milestone on time or even before, he smiles all the time, has a very good schedule, has gotten sick only once,  etc. A  normal, happy,   healthy child. by all standards who has complelty bonded with his parents.

If I saw that he was afraid, not thriving, had doubts about the care I would have made a completly different decision.  Maybe tried an at home business,  dipped deep into our savings, sold our car,  I do not know.

Then comes the economic circumstances.

Some women have the  choice not to work, but not all of us have this option.

Then comes each woman and her personality. For example I am not made to be a full time  homemaker.   I need to be outside, to dedicate myself to many other things at once.    I love being at home and cooking and having a  beautiful home, but after a few days I need to do other things.

On the other hand    I have a friend who spends her days happy at home, almost never going out, fully dedicating herself to her year and a half daughter and her house,  with no interest in  seeing other adults in days,  and she and her baby are very,  very  happy.  


Please if you see a mother doing things differently from you, do not judge, nor make her feel bad about her choices (unless she is doing something clearly bad to her children)  but help her be the best mother she can be whatever her circumstances might be. 

Back to TTC? decision time

I will be returning to work after 5 months of maternity leave and starting  a new job early next week  after quiting my former job where I have been for over 12 years, almost 13, last week.   Major,  major changes. 

 I will blog later about my feelings on all of this.  (I still need to reflect on this as my heart goes from being happy about the new opportunities to being extremely sad about not being 24/7 around Josemaria.  )

All of this has put me in a reflective mood for the last few weeks.

I have been cleaning all my papers, magazines and books. Cleaning pantries and closets and I also died my hair darker.

In me changes to hairstyle and putting external order mirror internal changes.

One of the things I have been reflecting a lot is if we should aggresively  TTC again, even if I have a major fear of being pregnant again  and we have the option to adopt again.  

I know it sounds contradictory, but its where I am right now and  I know that there are tons of people that do not even have the option to adopt once and not even twice.   

But given the option would you do the same? Try again TTC with all your might?

This year I turn 41. I have been on the TTC wagon for over 4 years.  It seems we have a complete diagnosis in year 3  and only  a few months after my  operation in Omaha I got pregnant.   

In my case I needed a lot of factors to converge to become pregnant so for me its  not a question of just taking my Napro medicines. My case needed total focus and this is the question.  

Do I give it another chance with all my might? We will always be open to life, but will I dedicate tons of efforts to this? Should I ?

I became pregnant when I was happiest, most relaxed, doing a perfect diet , tons of supplements, monthly montoring and doing both Napro and alternative therapies.   A part time job.

I really believe my lack of stress, acupuncture and diet were crucial together with Napro. Then I lost the baby with major complications and I lost my faith in my own body and also somewhere deep within myself  of Napro.

All the tests we did after losing the baby show that I do not have recurrent loss risks (as far as we tested) . I went crazy with testing just to make sure in case I would get pregnant again that I did not have any risk factors.

All the doctors (Dr. H, my local gynecologist and a very renowned hematologist) say that they think the baby had some issues from the beginning and nature took its course.   I guess I need to trust that I can maintain a pregnancy (in case it happens again which I cannot be sure of )

After we lost the baby I did not want to try again and I had so many health issues in December of 2010 that I even avoided.

Then Dr, H said in February of 2011 that we could try again and we tried, but with fear in my heart and also half heatedly due to our coming adoption.

So from February 2010 to August 2011 we tried using only Napro protocols with no pregnancies.  

We used days of fertility for all these months so I am convinced that I need other things in addition to Napro to be pregnant.    I even had a conf call with Dr. H where he prescribed Clomid to make my ovulation "better). This affected my CM a lot , but I did not have any other side effects and each month I ovulated.

I was on Clomid for 6 months and no pregnancy.  Ovulation yes, but no pregnancy.

Once we adopted I have been terrible at charting, have not done cycle reviews in as many months,  we only used a few days of fertility here and there and I stoped taking HCG and Clomid for the last 3 months. 

My heart was really on being a mother and I am sure I needed a break.  

The coming of Josemaria made my heart complete.

I continued to be Co.rtef, T3 and some vitamins since I know they are great for my health.

So here we are.   I basically stoped TTC treatments for the last months and felt such a relief, yet in my heart each cycle is the question of what I want to do next. 

Due to my age I do not have a lot of time to make a decision.

We are parents of an amazing little boy.  I should be content, yet I would love to be a mother again and again and again.  I know its a normal desire and does not say in the least that Josemaria is not loved with all our hearts. 

 All points towards that we  will be able to adopt again.  The hard work of getting into the adoption agency and the  thousand name waiting list is over and we just need to start the paper work again and take some courses and start the  placement wait again.  I will of course not be easy, but there is this option for us in Me. xico.

We can start proceedings once Josemaría turns 1 (April 21st) and wait probably a year and some months for a placement.  The law says we can adopt again when he turns 2 so we can probably be parents once again in 2013.   We could also adopt a 3rd baby.   Due to our ages my DH is less than sure about this, but my heart is calling me towards this.  That would need to happen in 2015 or later.

I will be 44 or more by then.

Even if we have the option to adopt again  something in my heart says that I will regret not TTC again  after all that we have been through to get a diagnosis.

I do not want to sound selfish or that I want all, but will I have regrets later not giving it another chance with all my might?

I know I could not love any biological baby more than I love Josemaria.  He is my son.   The one God intended for me. 

So where does this questioning come from? Is adoption not enough? Yes of course , its the most amazing blessing. 

Yet there is this calling within me to try again to become pregnant while on the adoption journey and see where God leads us.

My DH wants to give TTC another go, but the decision is really up to me. 

These are the scenarios I see right now in order of time and "aggressiveness" and where I will need to make a decision soon:

A) Only use my normal medicines that I need to function and use the days of fertility? I think HCG will be part of this as my PMS increased a lot.   This is for me being open to life like we will be always.

B) Use more aggressive medicines such as Clomid but now with monitoring? This is the start of TTC with cycle reviews and some blood draws.

C) All of this in addition to resuming  my "healthy TTC lifestyle" using functional medicine for supplements and diet (its a type of medicine that focuses on the whole person and my experience has been amazing), go back to acupuncture and my special diet with no  milk and no gluten? Exactly like I did when I got pregnant. I even have my fertility diary and know exactly all that I was doing.

D) Consult a local doctor here in addition to Napro and all above  so we can do extra monitoring with U/S blood and some of his own protocols.  He has helped several older women.

E) All of this in addition to a hysteroscopyy to check my uterus after my 2 D&C´s which has been recommended  by several doctors.

What would you do? What would God want?  What would lessen any regrets later?

Four months ago (with pictures)

Four months ago we met our son.  I cannot believe how fast time has passed and how different this December is from last one. 

A son that we had longed for  over 4 and a half years of marriage and in my case for the many years I was single.  The biggest pain of being single so long was knowing I could not be a  mother.  At least 10 years I longed to be a mother, yet I could not because I had not met the man I would marry

A year ago exactly  I was living my dark night of the soul.  Pain I thought would never end. 

Such a stark contrast between this December and last.

Last year in August we  had become pregnant after years of treatment and just 4 months after my operation with Dr.  H.  an operation that people told us we were crazy to do without insurance in a foreign country.  

 We were ecstatic, yet a few weeks later  and just one day after telling our whole families  during a routine U/S we found out there was no heartbeat at 9 weeks. 

 I have never ever experienced pain as that one.  I still cry from thinking about it right now.

This was our first son.  Miguel after the archangel. 

The next day I had to have a D&C and 4 days later began to have the worst pains of my life,  I actually had contractions like giving birth.  I had a horrible complication from the loss,  "corionic" roots which the placenta attaches itself to the uterus. 

 I spent 4 days in the hospital with only some pain medicine waiting for my body to get rid of the roots , in the maternity ward hearing babies cry.  I do not know which pain was worse, the physical or the spiritual one. 

Why did I have to lose my baby after such a long and difficult fight? We  had done so much.    I actually did all my Napro testing on my own with the help of the Catholic IF Ya.hoo group and sent it to Dr. H pleading for help.  Nobody near me  had ever done it nor knew about Napro.

And then... God had not only  asked me for my baby, but asked me to spend 4 days from hell in the hospital with birth pains hearing babies cry.   I was so mad at Him.

But it did not end there.

Three months later in December  I began to experience bleeding like no other,  it started one afternoon and I thought it was my period, but no. 

Blood was flooding out of me, so bad that I even soaked a chair in a restaurant.  We began to panic and called the doctor again.  I was sent to an U/S and the doctor there determined it to be another miscarriage.

Another D&C...

I learned weeks later that it had not been a miscarriage, but actually a polyp.

Yet I spent all  December thinking I had lost 2 babies in a row. It was my personal Hell.

Such an unbearable sadness, grief, anger.   I could barely move from all of it.     

This December we have Josemaría and just his presence  is the light of our lives.   The pain of IF is still there,  but it has been transformed into something else. 

More compassion, more understanding when people are mad at God, the deep understanding about the value of life in all its stages, the  strenght to defend it.   I do not wish it on anybody, yet I recognize it did make me a better person.

We met Josemaria just 4 months ago and I cannot imagine my life without him. 

how can you love somebody you just met not born from your body so much? I now understand the meaning born from the heart.  I can attest to that.

After a call at 9 p.m at night on the day of the Assumption we met our son 11 hours lateron August 16th..

Four months in which he has transformed us completely.

My DH has a fire I never thought I would see in him. 

  Here are some pictures from his baptism. In the one below he is wearing the baptismal gown worn by all members of my moms family for the last 140 years.

Just seeing him smile and his amazing brown eyes each morning make my heart soar.

Yet I have no forgotten my IF journey and that many are still waiting.  I still cry from reading in the blogs about miscarriages or unsuccesful cycles or treatments. I think I will never forget and I think I never should.

I  keep praying for all of those waiting and those grieving. Praying your Josemaria comes very soon.

 

Can you be fearful and stressed but also happy?

I finally think I have nailed what has been keeping me from sleeping well the last month  or month and a half.  It has a lot to do with my personality and with all that has been going on at the same time.

I could not name it,  but  I now I got it and I need to see it from a different viewpoint since its mostly good or very good, yet my stable side feels like the floor has moved from underneath. 

 I have two very distinct sides to me: I love to travel, try out new things, meet people from all walks of life .  My dad says the moment I walked I almost ran to see the world and they could not grab me.  This is the adventurous side to me. 

But on many other  aspects my life has been extremely predictable and stable and I have loved this also. 

I like having these 2 sides: the one that grounds me and the one that lets me fly.  

But now I feel on shaky ground like everything is new at the very same time.   

Let me try to explain with a few examples of my  "stability".   

I lived with my parents until I was 33  which is probably scandalous in most Western  (very common here to live with your parents until you marry and  attend the local university,  I only left because my job was too far away not really because me or them wanted it)  

I went to the same school my whole life from kindergarten up to high school (the same school my fathers family has attended for 5 generations, over 125 years).

Lived on the very same house where I had been born for these 33 years with my parents.   My parents only moved 3 years later after the children  left and   when my father retired from the same company he had been working for over 45 years. He never knew another job.

I had 3 or 4 very long and stable relationships.  One even lasting 5 years with the person I thought I would marry, but then I ended up knowing it was not the person.    I was known as a relationship person that seldom dated.  

So to me the last  4 months have been major in terms of change and I know deep down in me its the reason why I am not sleeping well and have been so stressed although I have been very happy also.   It just goes against a part of me that really likes stability. 

My German side likes order, plans,  but the last months have brought unexpected changes one after another.   Mostly great or good changes, but so many at the very same time  that I am feeling ungrounded.   

My parents for the very first time faced a grave illness.    My dad has cancer and  when we thought all was finished the doctor informed us that   the operation did not take all out.   His prognosis is very good right now with radiation, but  I lost my innocence in thinking that they would live forever.  This is major for all of us where  my parents have been pillars of health their whole lives.  I am as most Mexicans very close to them and see them as a major force of wisdom in my life.

We became parents at 43 and 40 in less than 10 hours and even if we prepared for months with courses, prayer and by  speaking to others  its a dramatic change and I think its even bigger because of our ages.  We had become settled in our ways for sure.    I do not want this to sound as a complaint  (it has been the biggest blessing and happiness of my life) but my head spins in  thinking about it. 

I went from working full time in a regional position for Latinamerica and being out and about all the time to being a stay at home mom  for 5 months with a small baby in just one day.  For days on end not seeing or talking to  anybody and while I have been very happy its  a complete change to my routine.

My DH also in these last 4 months basically changed professions completely unplanned  from being an industrial engineer that always worked in factories managing logistics to  following his dream and also vocation of working in education.   This has meant a dramatic change in terms of the time he can spend with me and Josemaria and also from the glamour of the corporate world to something far more fitting to his heart, but with less than  stellar economic prospects.   One of the reasons why we need my job  (the other one is that we had to spend so much on health issues the last 3 years including Napro, three hospital stays for my miscarriage, health crisis of my DH, etc.   We had to dig deeply into our savings which were meant for me to retire when the time came to be a mother) .

And I am about to leave the company where I have worked for 12 years, a lifetime in our industry ( actually I am one of the 3 oldest employees of a company of hundreds in Mexico)  to move into another one without looking for it.

Yesterday I talked with the person that would be my boss and he explained in detail to me his way of working, what was to be expected of me and also the flexibility I could have.   This last part was the crucial part for me to be able to accept due to Josemaria.  I would never in a million years give this up and would rather stay again 4 more years in a  job I did not like rather than sacrifice this,  

Well he is offering me almost the same flexibility as I currently have (work from home a lot, flexible hours,  some days all day in the office to others not being there at all .  etc)   and I was able to speak to several people that work there and that confirmed me this.    This was the last part in my decision making process and this means I will officially accept in the next 2 days after I let me company know.    

Last night I did not get a lot of sleep, like most of last month and today I saw what was happening.    I should be shouting from the rooftops, we are parents, my DH has found his vocation  and it seems I can both be a mother and have a great job, yet....

Can you be fearful while knowing what is to come its very good?

Can you be happy yet stressed?

Should you not have complete peace when things you dream about have become true?

Maybe again I am a Martha at heart and this time I  really do not like it. 

Today´s amazing gift from Our Lady

Today on the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe I was blessed with the most  amazing experience of spiritual direction. Perhaps the best one in my life.  I truly felt the Holy Spirit was present.

On Saturday I received the call from the priest that my parish had sent to PPVI last October and the one designated by their community to  help out with Napro.    The secretary had told him I was looking for him  on Friday and he wanted to speak with me.   So we set an appointment for today (which is a holiday for most people here) to meet after 9 a.m solemn mass for Our Lady.

He is Canadian and is learning Spanish still so the spiritual direction was in English.  I had never spoken to him other than an  intro session to Cre.ig.hto.n and why it was so important for him to go to Omaha.  I had never had confession with him, nor spiritual direction. 

After Mass he stayed in the church for a long time praying which gave me great peace.

He belongs to the Brothers of St John community, a community of brothers and sister  founded in 1975 by a Domincan Priest from France that was great friends with JPII.  If you ever have the chance to go to one of their communities do so.   They are in Quebec., Texas, Illinois and NJ and in many countries. http://www.stjean.com/english/eng/index.php  They are the ones that helped me by opening complelty the doors here when nobody knew about Napro.  They have been the biggest blessing ever

They have a deep interior life, adhere completly to the Magisterium and have a special devotion to Mary so I know I can trust them on their insights..  

The spiritual direction started with me telling him the complete story of how I was called to Napro for my treatment,  but also to do something with it here  (I mentioned the crucial role the blogs were to me), of my IF struggles, our miscarriage, my deep fears after it and what our current situation was.  He listened in deep thought and then he asked me:

Of all that you are telling me what would bring you deep joy? Which role?

I did not know what to say.  I was completely blank. I never  thought the question of joy would come up.  Actually I expected that he say: you have the responsibility to do this and this because you have been given so much.   To give me concrete instructions to leave the world and dedicate myself to Napro. 

Then after a few minutes I said: 

Motherhood

Then he told me: 

I know that you cannot entirely devote all of your time right now to motherhood due to the job situation of your husband and you might not be even called to be a full time mother  even if your calling is this one  so which of these roles would give you the most opportunity to be a  mother? Which one resembles motherhood the most?

I said all three,  given the conditions of flexibility that all 3 could have.   Tomorrow I will know exactly what  this new company can provide after I speak in detail with my future boss at 10 a.m.  It might well be that the conditions are not there and I need to remain in my job since my priority is Josemaria.    

He said then.

The Holy spirit attracts  via joy, peace.   Of course there is subjective joy and there is deep joy.  A subjective joy is when for example you are on vacation enjoying the scene which is not bad, it can actually be very good,  but deep joy comes from God and doing what He has intended for you.

I then told him:

I feel deep joy with motherhood and also with Napro.  When we did not have children I felt somehow fertile through it.  In a sense I felt that a practitioner was a spiritual mother to her clients.   But somehow I do  not feel its the right moment to dedicate myself completely to this .  Yes like I have been doing by giving a lot of my time, yet  not completely. 

I know there will be a time, but somehow I am not ready, yet I feel  very,  very bad about it.   I feel this huge responsibility about it. Maybe I am not a good enough Catholic to leave everything behind and follow God? Maybe my Marthaness is winning? Maybe I am a coward? Maybe I just want to be comfortable? Maybe fear is winning?. 

I am also confused because I also felt great peace with the call from  the new company.   My very first thought when I got the call was that it was a great opportunity to learn about the online world from the very best, to  have the flexibility to be a mother and then retire to dedicate myself to Napro.,  

I saw it as a means towards an end, never as an end in itself yet I did not have this clarity in the last days, but this was my very first thought after the call  As a means to learn all that I could so then I could later apply it to pro-life work and while there also to do good.

I also was amazed the call came right after my consecration to Mary and that it was completely unexpected.  I took it as a sign.

Tomorrow I will speak with my proble future boss and if the conditions of flexibility are there and it was something that I saw in spiritual direction as good  I was really considering it .   

He said then:

There are sensible signs that we sometimes needs like dates, meeting people in unexpected places, yet the more important signs from God are deep  peace and joy.  

God is actually using Nap.ro to attract you to Him.  Nap.ro is just a means.  Of course you can do great good with it, but the good you can do does not matter to God if you lose yourself.  Each one of us is so valuable that  God wants each and every one of us to be closer to Him and uses good causes , people , painful situation to do this, but they are just means.  What He wants its  you, not what you do.. 

I do not see you right now ready nor with the peace to leave everything and dedicate yourself fully to this.  It does not mean there will not be a time and it migth be very very son, but you must follow peace and joy.   Both come from God and are the first steps in discernment .  If you are not feeling peace,  nor joy in this decision its not the time to take it.  There might be a time soon, but not yet.  

You must be silent and ask God for your path to holiness.  He calls all of us to this and the means towards it will be there.   We are all called to be light for the world either by  being a mother, in a corporate job, doing social work.   Many times God uses the world like a corporate job, to give you time to prepare for something else or as a means to sanctify the world.. 

I want you to seek a way to be silent each day, to ask Him directly how you can be a mother in your different roles which is what brings you joy.

I also want you to tell the donor this.  Ask him for money for the project because its important for it to move forward and you can be sure that if he gives you funding there will be the means to use it well for this since Napro is so important for God. Tell him also  that you are seeing that you might be called.   and wait for him to tell you his viewpoint.  I believe he is a very spiritual person and he could give you great insights and if you speak with the heart he will listen,  You are not saying no to God, but actually truly listening to Him.  He is preparing you.

We spoke about several more things, like that he believed Napro was crucial to the world.  That he not only saw that is was a moral way to treat infertilty, but far more.  That it helped build families and marriages which was in the end what God wanted.   But it the end what it really was it was a way of  restoring the dignity of the person. 

I left after 2 hours amazed at his deep insights and clarity.   I felt such peace.  

About an hour ago my meeting with the donor was postponed to the 20th of December since he had a personal problem to deal with tomorrow. 

When we meet I will speak with him from the heart. Where I am and where I think God is directing me with complete sincerity.  He is a man of deep prayer and I am sure he will understand and also help bring this here when he thinks its the right time,.

Major decision time

I need to write this here so I can make  some sense of what is going on since yesterday.  I hope this post makes sense for others , but mainly is to help me reach some discernement.

I most probably will hide it after a few hours. 

Yesterday as I was coming out of the church after my simple Consecration to Mary and after the Hour of Grace I received a call.    I had been praying about many things including this one and   I saw the call as a sign. . 

In summary after 2 months of interviews  I have been offered a dream job with amazing company. with the added bonus of the promise of tons of  flexibility to be a mother.    A  dream come true  for any marketer. 

This would mean leaving my current job at a company where I have been 12 years (a lifetime!)  and starting fresh there. 

And as I have written about it I need to continue working.    I  really have  no choice, but to continue to contribute financially to my home.

Its not a matter of luxuries or having extras, but me not working would mean putting at risk many essential things.   

For the last  4  of these 12 years at my current company  I have not enojyed working there  (actually getting up to work has been a struggle all these years), but  staying has  permited me to work mainly from home and give a lot of my time to Napro and to my own IF battle.     It was a sacrifice worth doing for something greater.

Also I knew when the time came to be a mother the company would offer me a lot of flexibility and I could combine both if needed.   Years passed and I remained doing something I did not like in hopes of this. 

Looking at things this way my decision to say yes to  this new company and switch jobs would be an easy one. Move from a job I did not like to another I probably would love and still be able to be a mother.   

Yet I am torn.

Not about leaving my company , not about starting a new job  (if the promise of the needed flexibility is there so I can spend a lot of time with Josemaria), but what this would mean to my work with Napro.

You see at the very same time this comes when we have a meeting next Tuesday with a major major donor.    

He knows about Napro and loves it, actually he speaks very,  very highly about it to others.The bishop that has been helping us here has said he will help us for sure.   

We know its a very strong possibility we could get his financial support.

Today I spent the whole morning in a planning meeting for this with B and her DH, both experts in  development of social projects. 

As we prepared the presentation many important questions came up: .

"What would be my future role in all of this?  How much time could I devote  with the reality of a baby and my need for a job?  I would be asking for money but what would my role be" 

I am at a complely different point in my life and all my time needs to be devoted to my baby and a way for me to have an income.  

Then  B´s DH asked me point blank:. 

"You will need to make a decision soon.  tjhe offer  is amazing , but Napro is a mission.   

With a new baby, a new job you will not have time  to give to Napro and your reality is that you need to continue earning money.

Why not ask Providence for a sign?

Have you ever thought about asking this donor for a salary so you dedicate yourself to this?

 this donor who is a billionarie can do it and has done if many times with other projects"

He hit the nail on the head.

 I never thought about this seriously even if I know this is possible,  because I am so afraid what it would mean. 

Put my complete trust in God.

Dedicate myself to this leaving behind the security of a corporate job.

On the other side I was so sure that the call from this great company was a sign from the Virgin, but now not anymore.

You see,  I had prayed so hard yesterday and almost imediately I had the call from them when they still were not supposed to call after 2 full months of waiting (they had told me they would contact me in a week)   Also  I felt so much peace.

Right now I do not know what to think.   What is God asking me to do about Napro?

 I tried contacting my spiritual advisor to consult with him but could not reach him. 

Should I ask this donor for this next Tuesday as part of the project (me becoming officially the project manager?

 Stay at my current job and devote any remaining time to Napro?

 Switch jobs and leave in the next months all my work for Napro?

My heart and head do not know what to make of all of this and top of it all. Tuesday at 10 a.m I am to meet with my future boss  and a couple of hours later with the donor to present to him the plan to bring napro here.

I spoke about this with a dear friend tonight and she told me to do as the Virgin

Pray, trust and wait.  

I have to do this so I can listen to God´s voice, yet its so hard.  

Why is it that everything  happens at the very very same time?

Today HOUR OF GRACE with the Virgin, Brazil and awards!

So many things to blog about!!!!! 
The hour of Grace today at noon promised by the Rosa mystica apparitions, the Consecration to Mary, the liebster awards, etc.

  For some reason the Consecration to Mary keeps appearing in the most unexpected places since my talks last weekend with Chris.topher West about my fears and his suggestion to do it in the simple format as soon as possible and then do the big one .
I am amazed that it keeps poping up every sintle day, like not letting me forget. 

 I really think God is this way with me since I am a very hardheaded person and I am also sooooo Martha and also so fearful.    He needs to be very,  very blunt with me!  Also I am amazaed I learned yesterday of the HOUR OF GRACE TODAY AT NOON. 

I had no idea. I really am a complete novice in things Mary.   =)

The Consecration has been appearing  through other bloggers that have been thinking about doing it today,   http://blessedbelord.blogspot.com/  and lavished with lemons i n Febraury . http://lavishedwithlemons.blogspot.com/http://lavishedwithlemons.blogspot.com/   via friends and even cooking classes!  

And I even had the Secret of Mary book in Spanish right here at home that the nuns had given me to read many years ago due to my marriage on St. montfort´s feast day and had forgotten about it completly.  Well I looked and in seconds I found it.

 Out of the blue I found the exact book West told me to read!! Not the consecration to Mary, but the Secret of Mary!

But more things happened  yesterday and  I was simply amazed.  For the last weeks I have been taking a baking class once a week in the mornings.  With the coming of Josemaria and my life changing from one day to the very next from being out and about all the time to staying home all the time in just a few hours I needed some time out of the house without leaving him too much time.   So during this morning nap I go to this small place very near my home and learn how to bake bread, do cookies and cakes for 3 hours.  It has been God sent.   I also have been able to speak with other mothers, learn about  the many resources for us near my house and in general develope my female side that I had long forgotten due to my work. 

Well I always knew the owners of the store  were very Catholic since they have this big image of Guadalupe in the store (here its very common) and it always has flowers  and the lady that is at the front desk has all this medals.   Well out ot the blue yesterday we ended up talking.  She had been on the phone and she was telling somebody that she was going today to the Basilica.  

As I was paying for some special flour I needed to bake some bread we ended up talking about many things for the very first time and she told me she worked with unwed mothers so they do not abort.

 Well one thing led to the other and I told her about Napro.  She was very excited and told me she could introduce me to many many people that would love to help.  I was amazed.

But then I told her I was fearful and that I was thinking about the Consecration, but was still unsure of the commitment.  Well..... she told me she was doing it today and told me here is the way to do it and pulled a pamphlet in Spanish with the whole consecratoin of Montfort!  Right there in the cooking store.     I had such a face that I think she was laughing. 

She also told me do it.  Many things will happen still,  but you will have pace and strenght.

I spent all afternoon in awe and sure that I needed to do it today. 

Then came something also incredible.

As I blogged some months ago in May I spent some time in Brazil for work and in a series of miracles ( a letter from Dr H right before I left, a person from Rio de Janeiro being at the very same time in Sao Paolo, the meeting with the head of the life commision of the latinamerican bishops, etc)  I met with a client that has changed my life. .

Its simply amazing:   Brazil is farther away from Mexico than Europe  (its like 11 hour flight) and  it the country in Latinamerica that speaks a different launguage from the rest (we speak Spanish and they speak Portuguese and while they are similar we Spanish speakers have a hard time understanding them) so that we met in person and have been able to  talk is amazing (we speak in English and when needed she in Portuguese and me in Spanish)

So Carolina became my client  (she allowed me to put her name here).  She is a medical doctor,. who had a conversion some years ago and works very strongly for life there.  Well she and her DH have been facing IF for a very long time and she does not have his support 100% in not doing IVF and has a lot of pressure from her political family to do it. 

It has been an increible cross and she would welcome all prayers.   She has not read this blog but I told her about it yesterday and said I could write about this here. 

And Napro does not exist in Brazil.  she has NO options!     So we have been skyping for a few months  and she is now in Omaha.  Tomorrow will be her lap with Dr. H.    If you can spare a prayer .

I cannot even imagine traveling from so far away without the support from your DH and his family  to a strange country  in another language in the middle of winter to stand strong in your values. (i ts Summer in Brazil and very very hot in Rio de Janeiro) so the winter in Omaha is an added cross for her.    Simply amazing. 

Well she told me also about the consecration last night also, but not only this....

She told me about the    HOUR of GRACE TODAY AT NOON.  I had no idea but I have been reading about it and its a promise by the Virgin on the day of the Inmaculate Conception that if  at noon you spend this hour at Church or home She will grant you many graces.   Here is more:

The Hour of Grace, celebrated on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, was given to us by Our Lady Rosa Mystica. She said of this Hour: "This Hour of Grace will produce great and numerous conversions. Hardened and cold hearts resembling this marble will be touched by divine Grace, and they will become faithful to Our Lord in loyal love." We are asked to intercede for all in our lives, without interruption of any kind for one hour, after reciting Psalm 51 three times, the Miserere


If you put hour of grace immaculate conception noon you will find tons of articles.   So today I will be at church doing this and later do  my simple consecration to Mary.

She had been doing it for the last 3 years and had been asking for the opportunity to become a mother and have a diagnosis.   Well today she in in Omaha.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How about that for a sign!

 I almost cried when she told me the story.  and while we were there in Rio de Janeiro we went to the chapel of the bishop and right there was Our Lady of Guadalupe which is not common since the virgin of Brazil is Aparecida. 

Well we asked Her for help for Carolina and ...... she will have her operation on the Feast of San Juan Diego and she will be still there waiting for her diagnosis on Her Feast day next monday December 12 day of Guadalupe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and last but not least I was bestowed the amazing honor of a Liebster Award by 3 bloggers!!!

Alive in hope! 
Joann from Rise and Shine and Give God the glory!  http://storethings.blogspot.com/
Lavished with lemons!

I am having a hard time linking and doing it so I will practice tonight and do it for tomorrow!!  I am a complete blogger ilitearte so these things take me time.    I promise to do it!  


Thank you from the bottom of my heart!