Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Back to TTC? decision time

I will be returning to work after 5 months of maternity leave and starting  a new job early next week  after quiting my former job where I have been for over 12 years, almost 13, last week.   Major,  major changes. 

 I will blog later about my feelings on all of this.  (I still need to reflect on this as my heart goes from being happy about the new opportunities to being extremely sad about not being 24/7 around Josemaria.  )

All of this has put me in a reflective mood for the last few weeks.

I have been cleaning all my papers, magazines and books. Cleaning pantries and closets and I also died my hair darker.

In me changes to hairstyle and putting external order mirror internal changes.

One of the things I have been reflecting a lot is if we should aggresively  TTC again, even if I have a major fear of being pregnant again  and we have the option to adopt again.  

I know it sounds contradictory, but its where I am right now and  I know that there are tons of people that do not even have the option to adopt once and not even twice.   

But given the option would you do the same? Try again TTC with all your might?

This year I turn 41. I have been on the TTC wagon for over 4 years.  It seems we have a complete diagnosis in year 3  and only  a few months after my  operation in Omaha I got pregnant.   

In my case I needed a lot of factors to converge to become pregnant so for me its  not a question of just taking my Napro medicines. My case needed total focus and this is the question.  

Do I give it another chance with all my might? We will always be open to life, but will I dedicate tons of efforts to this? Should I ?

I became pregnant when I was happiest, most relaxed, doing a perfect diet , tons of supplements, monthly montoring and doing both Napro and alternative therapies.   A part time job.

I really believe my lack of stress, acupuncture and diet were crucial together with Napro. Then I lost the baby with major complications and I lost my faith in my own body and also somewhere deep within myself  of Napro.

All the tests we did after losing the baby show that I do not have recurrent loss risks (as far as we tested) . I went crazy with testing just to make sure in case I would get pregnant again that I did not have any risk factors.

All the doctors (Dr. H, my local gynecologist and a very renowned hematologist) say that they think the baby had some issues from the beginning and nature took its course.   I guess I need to trust that I can maintain a pregnancy (in case it happens again which I cannot be sure of )

After we lost the baby I did not want to try again and I had so many health issues in December of 2010 that I even avoided.

Then Dr, H said in February of 2011 that we could try again and we tried, but with fear in my heart and also half heatedly due to our coming adoption.

So from February 2010 to August 2011 we tried using only Napro protocols with no pregnancies.  

We used days of fertility for all these months so I am convinced that I need other things in addition to Napro to be pregnant.    I even had a conf call with Dr. H where he prescribed Clomid to make my ovulation "better). This affected my CM a lot , but I did not have any other side effects and each month I ovulated.

I was on Clomid for 6 months and no pregnancy.  Ovulation yes, but no pregnancy.

Once we adopted I have been terrible at charting, have not done cycle reviews in as many months,  we only used a few days of fertility here and there and I stoped taking HCG and Clomid for the last 3 months. 

My heart was really on being a mother and I am sure I needed a break.  

The coming of Josemaria made my heart complete.

I continued to be Co.rtef, T3 and some vitamins since I know they are great for my health.

So here we are.   I basically stoped TTC treatments for the last months and felt such a relief, yet in my heart each cycle is the question of what I want to do next. 

Due to my age I do not have a lot of time to make a decision.

We are parents of an amazing little boy.  I should be content, yet I would love to be a mother again and again and again.  I know its a normal desire and does not say in the least that Josemaria is not loved with all our hearts. 

 All points towards that we  will be able to adopt again.  The hard work of getting into the adoption agency and the  thousand name waiting list is over and we just need to start the paper work again and take some courses and start the  placement wait again.  I will of course not be easy, but there is this option for us in Me. xico.

We can start proceedings once Josemaría turns 1 (April 21st) and wait probably a year and some months for a placement.  The law says we can adopt again when he turns 2 so we can probably be parents once again in 2013.   We could also adopt a 3rd baby.   Due to our ages my DH is less than sure about this, but my heart is calling me towards this.  That would need to happen in 2015 or later.

I will be 44 or more by then.

Even if we have the option to adopt again  something in my heart says that I will regret not TTC again  after all that we have been through to get a diagnosis.

I do not want to sound selfish or that I want all, but will I have regrets later not giving it another chance with all my might?

I know I could not love any biological baby more than I love Josemaria.  He is my son.   The one God intended for me. 

So where does this questioning come from? Is adoption not enough? Yes of course , its the most amazing blessing. 

Yet there is this calling within me to try again to become pregnant while on the adoption journey and see where God leads us.

My DH wants to give TTC another go, but the decision is really up to me. 

These are the scenarios I see right now in order of time and "aggressiveness" and where I will need to make a decision soon:

A) Only use my normal medicines that I need to function and use the days of fertility? I think HCG will be part of this as my PMS increased a lot.   This is for me being open to life like we will be always.

B) Use more aggressive medicines such as Clomid but now with monitoring? This is the start of TTC with cycle reviews and some blood draws.

C) All of this in addition to resuming  my "healthy TTC lifestyle" using functional medicine for supplements and diet (its a type of medicine that focuses on the whole person and my experience has been amazing), go back to acupuncture and my special diet with no  milk and no gluten? Exactly like I did when I got pregnant. I even have my fertility diary and know exactly all that I was doing.

D) Consult a local doctor here in addition to Napro and all above  so we can do extra monitoring with U/S blood and some of his own protocols.  He has helped several older women.

E) All of this in addition to a hysteroscopyy to check my uterus after my 2 D&C´s which has been recommended  by several doctors.

What would you do? What would God want?  What would lessen any regrets later?


  1. I wish I had a suggestion for you. I can offer you my prayers as you discern what direction God is calling you to.

  2. Zoom ahead 10 years from now...will you have wished for more children, a daughter, another son, a sibling for your son?

    There is always time to work alot (outside the home) as we are all living so much longer now. However, our fertility windows do not stay open for long :(

    My husband recently said to me, "We should try for another child!" I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my second that I never thought would ever be possible after our 5 miscarriages and after I had yet another miscarriage after ANN.

    My husband wants to try for more! Me at 41.5 years old and he at almost 50!

    WOW. Also, though babies are a lot of work...it really does become SO much easier at 2 1/2 and then suddenly one says, Of course I should have another baby...but because we older Moms don't have a lot of time...waiting until our first is 2 1/2 or 3 may not be possible! We may have to step on the gas and try as soon as possible due to our age.

    Praying for you!!!!

  3. I know that God will show you the right thing to do...but I will say this--if you feel in your heart that you may regret NOT ttc, then I say give it a shot. When I was faced with the decision of a 2nd laparatomy, I knew in my heart I would regret it if I didn't. And I didn't want to live the rest of my life with that regret. Perhaps that feeling in your heart is the Holy Spirit nudging you toward that path--only you and God can know what is right for you. Praying for you, friend!

  4. I know that God led me to surgery with Dr. H, so I know that He will lead you to the right decision.

    Praying for you!

  5. I too will lift you in prayer as you discern.

  6. As others have said, this is a decision only you can make, with the help of prayer and discernment. I will say, you don't need to "worry" that you can only get pg with all of that intervention, because with God, the impossible becomes possible. A friend couldn't even conceive once with all of the intervention you mentioned... and at 46 yrs old, conceived for the first time after years of not doing ANY medication or intervention.
    Just because you're not doing a million protocols doesn't mean you are not TTC ;)

  7. I'll be praying for you as well as you're discerning this decision. I would be for the TTC as I think if it were me, I'd regret not TTC. You've been able to get pregnant with all your previous treatment / meds, so I believe it is possible. Of course if you feel overwhelmed, you can always change your mind.

  8. I don't think anyone but you and your DH can answer these questions. But I do want to say that I know how you feel and have the same struggle. I'm 35 and have 3 beautiful children by adoption ....and I know that should make me "complete"...and it does, but God seems to have placed this pesky little desire in woman's heart for more children, no matter how many she has. The desire is still stronger than ever, even after 13 years and 3 children.

    I've long stopped charting and doing anything medically to address our IF because frankly, my fragile heart just can't take it anymore. (The IF treatments bandwagon is an ugly place to be.) I'm more and more convinced that for some (many?), overcoming IF is less about the medical management and more about God just deciding it is time to lift the burden from their shoulders. But if the HCG makes you feel better and a new diet is manageable for you, I say go for it. There is certainly no harm in doing all you can to feel better and function better so that you can be the best version of yourself for the benefit of those who sit around your family table right now.

    Prayers for you as you discern!

  9. I agree, this is a hard decision to make. The only advice that I can give is to just give it all up to Jesus, and let Him guide you. The right decision will come to you.
    I'll keep praying for you!