Saturday, December 29, 2012

From bad to worse

After all the holiday drama we have been back home and all that could go wrong has happened.

I had not been feeling well and I attributed it to the stress of the last days, but yesterday I woke up feeling all dizzy with terrible nausea and JM during breakfast started throwing up.  He in his whole life never had thrown up so we were very worried.

My DH had to leave home  early for his annual family breakfast and to celebrate with his brothers and sister his parents 50th wedding anniversary that had been in the plans for months.    So he left all worried, but I encouraged him to leave as I saw JM better.

The next hours were terrible,  diarrhea and vomit on my side, a very active 20 month old who had been able to eat breakfast finally, etc. Never in my life have I been so sick from the stomach, I could not move without feeling like falling.

My DH arrived later and luckily I had been able to put JM for an early nap and maybe since he did not  feel himself he slept for 3 hours, very unusual for him. So I had this time off.

I could not hold anything down, not even a drop of water and things were getting worse by the hour.  Thank God JM was doing much better and could eat normally.

By 3 p.m I was very weak, could not move from the couch and decided to call the doctor who said to not drink anything for 2 hours and then start slowly with ice cold water and later some kind of drink to replace the salts I had lost and a vitamin injection. He also said that if this did not get better then I would need to go to the hospital ASAP since I would need an IV.

How we were going to manage with JM and a hospital stay I had no idea.

Well I ended up also not being able to take the water as he told me  and called the doctor for new instructions.  He said he wanted to try something first, an anti vomiting medication via injections, before heading to the hospital.  

Thank God DH had recently learned to give injections and so an hour later the medicine arrives from the pharmacy and immediately I start to feel less dizzy and like I can hold some water.

Later I can drink from the other medicine, but I am still very weak and cannot eat anything.  By then I am trembling and having 3 covers over me did not stop it.   So we go to bed and even while feeling sick I can sleep some hours.

Today I wake up very weak (I have not had food in over 36 hours and limited water) with a throbbing headache and a body that hurts everywhere, but thankfully no nausea.   I will need to take the rest of today very easy while seeing a very messy house and JM for some reason has been crying a lot, very unusual for him.  Arghhhh!

DH seems to be OK but has been complaining all day of his stomach.

And  all our vacation  plans are now on hold.

In all this drama my dad called me today to see how we were doing  (he had no idea I had been sick), but instead of making things better we ended up having a discussion.  I told him that my mom words were out of line and he said he could not take sides and that it had been my mistake telling my mom private things.   He said my mom was this way and that I needed to be wiser.

My dad was very,  very sad that we would not spend New Years with them  and the rest of the days with my nice and nephew and I ended up crying again.

 I feel like such a bad Christian for not being able  to forgive my mom,  but her words have hurt me deeply many times and every single time I have had to be the one to ask for forgiveness when it has not been even my fault.

 I think I need some time away from her to establish some boundaries and make clear that this is not acceptable.  I cannot change her, but I need to protect my heart.

Still it hurts tremendously.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Holiday triggers and drama

This Christmas has not gone as planned and as I write this I am very sad.

Working like crazy before the holidays trying to close everything in order to spend time with family, big family expectations on both sides, being pulled into many directions and then Christmas day and yesterday.

My DH and I had planned for a very long time to spend many days (almost 2 weeks) at my parents house with the rest of my family, yet today we are back home with no plans for the next days and very sad.

My paren,s when my dad retired,  built their dream home 45 minutes from the city in a beautiful location near the woods.  Instead of downsizing they grew by a lot  (we 5 family members lived in a very,  very small house all our lives)

 Their plan has always been to have space for their children and grandchildren so we could stay and have also a lot of space in terms of garden and trees.

 We were to spend with them at this beautiful place since last Sunday to celebrate Advent until early January, right before Ephifany which is a very important holiday here.  My sister and her family would come and go since this year Christmas was at the inlaws and leave 4th of January.   My brother would arrive on the 30th spend the rest of the days with us.

 The cousins, my sisters 2 children, and JM could spend a lot of time together and get to know each other now that JM is older.    All seemed perfect and specially compared to my DH side.

On my DH side things have been tense in the last weeks.   There were 3 out of the 5 children spending this year at home on the 25th.  (my family celebrates Mexican style dinner on the 24th and DH side has lunch on the 25th)

Participating would be one  brother who is divorced and has no family (who is always grumpy and is very controlling, yet is striving to be more easy going and making great strides), his other brother with his wife and 2 children and my FIL.  This second brother  is very nice and good hearted, yet has a very,  very difficult wife that puts my FIL on edge each and everytime  and neither of them help in any way, shape or form unless you give them clear instructions and push them.  

My FIL since becoming a widower has had to take the reins of an enourmous house (far too big for 1 person) and the holidays overwhelm him.  My MIL did a production of them using her 5 children as  help and expectations are always very very high.    This one was no exception.   Basically my SIL and my DH take the reins, but this year she was not home so all fell on my DH and I .

For weeks he had been nervous since he would be hosting these 2 not easy sons and had relied a lot on my DH to listen to his worries.  My DH is the one always helping and the peaceful one.   A few days ago I had asked my FILwhat was missing and found out that he needed more help than expected.  So my DH and I set out shopping at the very last minute for food items so we could prepare the eggnog, salad and desserts for 12 people, while preparing to leave all ready to be out of home for 2 weeks.

Since my FIL was nervous about these 2 sons   he decided to invite my parents to lunch on the 25th to make things less tense.   I knew all along that it was not a good idea, but since he was hosting I did not have a say.

We spent the 24th at my parents very nicely and then set out early for my FILs house so we could help.  The appointment was for noon so we could open presents and then prepare the rest.

When DH and I arrived we encountered a disaster.

My FIL told us that a lot was missing and you could see anger and fear in his eyes,   the girl they had hired to help out  was pouting since she said it was too much work,  my BIL still in pijamas after trying to find tons of things and no sight of the other brother.

Well my DH and I had to start giving instructions, working like crazy and we began to sort everything out, so when the other brother arrived 2 hours late all was ready.

His wife acted all surprised that all was ready and said she had been prepared to help out, yet had had other important things to do and time had passed.  The look on my FILs face was priceless.   Lets say this was expected and it was even more clear when my DH and his brother started serving the tables, cleaning around and  she, her husband and children did nothing.  NOTHING!

Later my parents arrived and you could feel all of us very tense.  We tried to make the most of things and had a pleasant time, yet it was not easy and my parents were in shock of this attitude of the wife and brother.   I decided to sit still at the table letting my DH do the work so  I would not leave my parents alone at this very formal dinning room.

My parents left not very late and we left soon after.

When we arrived at my parents house my sister had arrived and we experienced an amazing night playing with the children , etc and the same the next day.   JM was laughing like crazy and he could not stop kissing his cousins.  Later my dad commented to me how surprised he had been about the attitude of this brother and his wife, but left it at that.

During all this time my mom had been also very tense.   She is not an easy person, is not sociable at all,   gets overwhelmed easily and all three of us at one time or another have had major fights with her, well into adulthood.    She is a very good woman, yet had many times very harsh words for us and even more so when stressed.

My dad on the other hand is easy going, very sociable and practical.

So all day  yesterday I see my mom in a bad mood, yet I could not pin point what was going on.  Maybe it was having all of us there, maybe the scene of my FILs house, no idea.

I spent the morning with her at the farmers market buying the food for the next days and helping her carry tons of vegetables and fruits, etc. and she seemed to relax.  We had a chat about the wife of the brother and how shocking their attitude was and left it at that.

Since it was late we decided all (my sisters family, us and my parents)  to have lunch at a restaurant that my parents knew well and had enjoyed, but we had never been to before.  The whole thing was horrible.    The food, the service (took forever etc).   We were all tired after waiting hours  around for bad food.

So I come back to the table from walking the children in the gardens and out of nowhere my mom tells me I am exactly like my DH´s SIL.

The wife of this brother who is so very difficult and never helps out.

   My mom said she had been observing me the other day  at my FILs house and I was slowly becoming like a little her.

If you knew her, you would know this is the very worst thing a person can say you are.  She is neurotic, lazy and in general not a nice person.  

I have no idea why she said this, but it hurt me profoundly and I started crying.   Well one thing led to the other and we started fighting and I left making the decision to leave my parents house and return home.  

 I simply could not deal getting hurt this way.

My sister called me a few minutes later and said she agreed my mom had been completely out of line and that the comment was meant to hurt and while it hurt her deeply she agreed it was best to leave.  She would make sure that we see each other next week and that the children get to spend many hours together.

She said that this is why she keeps my mom out of her inlaws lives since the exact same thing had happened to  her  years ago.  My mom mixing her worry for us  (I am sure she is worried about my inlaws situation) with very harsh judgements without reason.

My DH was also supportive and agreed this was a comment completely out of line, perhaps out of stress, but that it was meant to hurt and that he could not see us spending the rest of the days with my parents.   This coming from the most peaceful man ever.

My dad has been silent since then.

We arrived home last night and my heart and head hurt so much that I could not sleep,.  I am hearbroken my son cannot spend more time with his grandparents and cousins, yet truly I cannot forget these very harsh words from my mom.   Why in the world would she use them?

What we will do the next days with no plans whatsoever I have no idea.   My first vacations in over a year and this happens and worse,  much worse during Christmas.  

So so sad.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Helping the Pope Paul VI institute and Naprotechnology


I just received an email from Dr. H  stating that a donor had offered to help  the institute with 5 USD for each like they had on

Right now they have something like 1,000 likes, but thousands more are needed.

  Building a Culture of Life In Women’s Health Care
Dear , 
One of our donors will donate us $5 if you like Pope Paul VI Institute's Facebook page.
Please like us today! Just one click.
Please forward this email to your family and friends and ask them to like us as well. 
Thank you, 
Thomas W. Hilgers, MD Director
P.S. If you haven’t made your Christmas gift to the Pope Paul VI Institute, you can do it here

Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction
6901 Mercy Road * Omaha, NE 68106 * (402) 390-9167

Please please share this with your friends, family, via FB or email.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Healing questions

I have a million posts on my mind. On adoption, Advent (which is huge in my part German family), on IF, on conversion, but today I want to ask for advice on an seemingly  non important topic.


Yep, but not only to lose weight, but to feel better, to be a better mother, etc and if God wills improve my fertility (I got pregnant the month I had been on a perfect diet and felt amazing).

In Chinese medicine you cannot get your fertility back on track or your health in general if your do not heal from the gut.  Great digestion is the basis for health and after all my poor digestive system has been through I need to give it the attention it so badly needs.

It has been a lot on my mind  each day for the last 2 months where I have felt so bad  and the doctors have confirmed I need to heal it.   Amobeas, candida, inflammation, low sugar, etc

I eat pretty healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  

Normally for breakfast is a protein shake with some almonds and fruit and a bunch of greens  (its much better than it sounds).

Then problem starts.

I also drink a few minutes afterwards either coffee with a horrible creamer or an energy drink with vitamins.  I need it to wake up.

I later arrive at the office.

During the morning I do really well.  Eat some almonds, drink green tea and tons of water.

Then lunch I have a huge salad bar to eat from and I fill up a plate with salad and some nuts, there is always soup which I eat almost every day (when its not cream based), then some vegetables and some protein such as beef or chicken or shrimp.   (I cannot stomach the white fish they also serve). In Mexico lunch is the main meal of the day and I make the most of it.  There is many times cheese in the salad or in some of the vegetarian dishes and while most of the time I can stay away there are times I cannot resist.

Then I need to have my coffee with creamer.

and more trouble starts.

My office is filled with candy.  FILLED!  they also have many healthy options,  but temptation is always  there.  There is even a refigerator filled with Hagen Dazs ice cream.

While I can stay away from the ice cream with ease and I only have dessert once a week I need some sugar in the afternoon.  So I tend to go to the candy corner and have some candy and while I am getting better at having each day less and less its still not in control.  

Then I leave to get home and there I normally have for dinner some beans with chile, a tortilla with some  mushrooms or whatever was for lunch.  Mostly home cooked vegetarian Mexican food.

Well it has been working so far in terms that my energy is better, but I need to get off the coffee,  the creamer, the energy drink, the sugar in the afternoon and also manage my portions so I can lose weight.

Well last week the doctor ordered for me to take medicine for my amobeas and I felt instantly better (after 2 days where I felt like dying) and slowly I have been feeling better with also the candida medications, both of which I truly needed.   The functional medicine doctor also ordered for me to stay away from milk, the creamer, any wheat or gluten and told me to go on a healing journey for my gut.  

And to lose 8 kilos (about 16 pounds!)  Arghhh!

So I am open to any sites, books, diets you  can recommend to heal my gut and also as a added value lose weight.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The feast of our Lady of Guadalupe in Her country

Today I was driving through  one of the main streets in Mexico City and while waiting at a stop light I saw a whole family crossing the street. I could not keep my eyes of them.

 They were clearly pilgrims heading to Tepeyac, here in Mexico city,  the place where Our Lady appeared hundreds of years ago and where Her image is still.

They were carrying only woollen blankets and an image of Our Lady.  Walking dozens, in some cases hundreds of miles to sing to Her and celebrate Her on  Her birthday.    Traffic stopped to let them pass through and I am sure they will spend the night out in the cold near the Basilica  waiting to sing to Her Happy Birthday.  Such faith that you cannot be but moved by it.  

This is part of everyday Mexico and despite all the challenges we face as a country, we are very blessed  to have Her here, so near and also that so many millions of persons still have such a devotion to Her.    Nowhere in the world I have seen this.    

A few hours ago the fireworks started and they will go on for the next day.    You cannot forget whose birthday it tomorrow.

Hundreds of thousands of pilgrims are walking through the city streets tonight in freezing cold, sleeping where they can and this family was just one example.  Some say in a couple of days over 2  millon persons will visit Her and that Tepeyac is the largest Marian site in the world, only competing with Lourdes and Fatima and the most visited Catholic one after St Peter.

 I can only say its a very,  very blessed place where one cannot be,  but moved by the faith of the people visiting and Her.

Today in the early morning thousands of people will sing the "Mañanitas (our traditional birthday song)  Here is a link to it and its very impressive if you have never seen it.   Mañananitas

Today and tomorrow very specially   I offer my prayers in Her land to all of you that are suffering, mourning, waiting or  have a heavy heart.  

Like a true Mother She has consoled me time and time again and my prayer tonight is that She also consoles you.

Please remember these words that She said to San Juan Diego and that She tells all of us:

“Hear me and understand well, my son the least, that nothing should frighten or grieve you. Let not your heart be disturbed. Do not fear that sickness, nor any other sickness or anguish. Am I not here, who is your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything"

¡Señora de Guadalupe, ruega por nosotros!
¡San Juan Diego, ruego por nosotros!  

Friday, December 7, 2012

So so tired of IF....and doctors

Today I am fed up.  Completely and absolutely tired of IF, doctors and medical exams, having to battle the medical establishment, not having Napro here,  etc.

Its been a long 5 years of battles trying to be true to my faith while curing my body and they seem not to be over.

Dead tired.

Today I went to the hospital to get the results of my annual medical exam.

Since I had been under the care of Dr H and my local gynecologist I had not done one in years.  Still  I had not been feeling myself for a while and decided it was time to do it and my local doctor had recommended one a few months ago.   I was sleeping well, eating healthy, yet could not shake the feeling that something was off.

This exam part of the compensation of my company and they offer a full medical exam a year at a top hospital  to every employee.  So last week I went since I had not done one in at least 5 years and during one full morning was checked for everything imaginable:  X-rays, U/S, blood work, urine and stool samples, mamography,  pap,   nutrition, heart rates, etc.   It was intensive to say they least since it was 7 hours of tests.   I wanted to do it since I  want to be as healthy as possible for JM.

After 1 week they make you come back to receive the analysis by the doctors and with their recommendations.  

So I went today.  I had a feeling I would not receive good news since they had sent my preliminary progesterone exam which was on p+8 40 and the only time it was this high was when I was pregnant.  

Plus I had been feeling off for several weeks, tired, without energy, with very bad digestion.  

 While I did not expect to be pregnant (after 5 year you learn) it was a rollercoaster  5 days until AF arrived and  also my cramps were bad for many days, something that I had not had in many months.

Well the results are:

  1.  Hypoglycemia for which the doctor recommended going to the endocrinologist.  I have a history of low sugar and low blood pressure, but its seems to have increased in the intensity.   He also said it could be that I had not eaten for the tests.  So.... what to do now? He said I could try to cure it via eating often for the next month and seeing what happens. Maybe this will be the route I will take. 
  2. Amoebas in the stool sample for which they recommend medicines (they could also be the cause of my tiredness of the last month).  They need to be treated since amobeas can cause all kinds of bad things.  And the medicines to treat them are nasty. 
  3. Then my liver has some very  high proteins which are a result of years of medicines so they recommendation was to take as little medicines as possible, but then he told me to treat  the amobeas with medicines?????  I told him it did not make sense and he said, well you cannot leave amobeas in your gut like this and  its  better  to harm your liver??????.
  4. Then high percentage of fat vs muscle and while my BMI is normal, this is not healthy as well as my cardivascular recovery was low.  The summary go do excercise and lose weight, but if you feel like !"·Q·%·$%? how in the world?? and with my sugar cravings due to the hipoglucemia?
  • Then and this is the very frustrating  IF part.... 
  1. No explanation for the high progesterone other than it could be the result of a cyst.  Then he goes over to the page where an hemorragic cyst was seen in the U/S,  borderline in size, so I need to do now an U/S to see it if has been resolved or I had a LUFs cycle or something like this.   The doctor that was doing the U/S told me right then and there she was seeing it and that it did not seem normal.   The doctor in the end cannot say the cyst caused the high progesterone, but told me to go to my gynecologist ASAP.   This is the last thing an IF person needs
  2. Endometrial polyps when just 4 months ago I had a very expensive hysteroscopy done where 2 doctors, TWO, did not see a thing. One of them Napro. Well the report says many....  This made me shiver since I ended up in the hospital with a D&C  2 years ago to the date thinking it was a miscarriage with extremely heavy bleeding, but  all was due to polyps. (I have a previous history of them and Dr H and my local doctor though it was a possible cause of my IF). The recommendation is to monitor them often due to this risk.   

So here we are... I called my Napro doctor friend here (who is not a gynecologist, but a general doctor) and she said:

  • Have an U/S now to see if the cyst is still there, then  we will discuss next steps. 
  • Do an U/S series this cycle to see how you are ovulating
  • For the polyps I would say the lab made a mistake, still I would double check with a gynecologist and then consult Gianna or Omaha for the high progesterone if it continues. 

So... here I am.

My local Catholic gynecologist has retired a few months ago and none of the doctors he left in his practice understands Napro or are as Catholic as he was,  my local napro doctor is no gyngecologist and is just starting with Napro so she is still learning and still co consults everything, then PPVI is overwhelmed and working long distance with them is such a pain  (plus translating everything into English not being a doctor)......

Now I have to seek answers from many different doctors  and the most frustrating part,  my body continues to tell me it has not been cured  in the gynecological part after traveling  thousands of miles for treatment, visiting and consulting with several doctors trying not to do anything against my faith.

Maybe I am having a very bad day,  but today it seems it has not been even worth it.

Monday, December 3, 2012

A vist to our son´s past

Today JM visited the nursery where he lived the first months of his life. It was an amazing experience.

As part of our second adoption process we had an interview with our agency founder that included both my DH and I and also bringing JM so she could see us interact.

As we entered the building some of the office workers got up to say hi and tell us how happy they were to see him again.  It was such an amazing welcome.  My mothers heart just melted.

I know they have hosted hundreds of babies, yet somehow I felt JM was special for them.

Then we went into the office of the director and she mentioned how handsome our son was and started playing with him.  I was beaming.  This was the woman that  during prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament had made the final decision that  he was our son.

But what almost got me to tears was a vist to the nursery.

Outside her office is a big patio and on one side of the patio is a huge window overlooking the nursery.   It was filled with babies, maybe some 15 most very tiny just born or at the most 3 months of age.

Due to the time of day  I was able to see the nursery in full working more.   I held JM in my arms  so he could look in and to see if he recognized it.  This is an important part of his history and I want him to we a aware of it.

This is where he lived the first 3 months and 3 weeks of his life.  He was born at a highly specialized  women´s hospital in Mexico City and then transferred to our agency nursery during the wait period until his parental rights were finalized.  In his case it took somewhat longer than normal since it was a very difficult decision for his biological mother  and she canceled the final hearings several times.

The nursery is beautiful, full of light,  with classical music playing on the background,  very modern, with a play area,  a kitchen, etc.  Truly state of the art, yet homey.

JM was signaling and smiling  looking through the window when a woman came to say hi.  She recognized him and was blowing him kisses and telling him sweet words in Spanish.

 She was one of the volunteers that comes every morning to hold the waiting babies in her arms, rock them to sleep, play  and sing to  them and in general offer the love these babies need.

An amazing woman that loved my son for these months while he waited.  

There are several nurses each turn, but our agency is very famous for these women that volunteer most part of the day in doing the more motherly things.    Such a crucial thing for these babies while they wait.

Then another woman, now a  nurse,  comes to the window and looks lovingly at JM.  She also recognizes him and cannot keep her eyes from him.  She is also very excited to see him.

We knew he had been a favorite there, but this blows my mind. More than a year later and they still remember him and I see the love they had for him in their eyes.

They held him when he was crying, rocked him to sleep, kissed him good night, and so many other things mothers do.

Later we see the mom in the hall and she tells us how wonderful its for her  to see him again. That she loved him so very,  very much.    I see her love for him so clearly.

I have no words, how can I say what this means to me, his mother, that did not get to hold him these very precious months?  When he came to us we could see clearly how loved and well taken care he had been.  Our pediatrician even said that he could not believe how healthy and social  he was.

How can every repay these amazing women that come to hold and take care of  babies that they know so badly need it  and then give them to their forever families without even meeting them, without even a word of thanks?

This is true love.   Whoever said the prolife movement does not care about what happens to the  women and babies has no idea of what its truly like.  No idea.

I am forever thankful to these saints on earth.  There is no way to repay them,  no way.