A few weeks ago I wrote that I dreaded turning 40. I could not mention the number out loud even.
I have dreaded it for years since I always that I had failed at several personal things and this age made me feel even more of a failure.
I have had a very good professional career, but on the personal side I always thought I have failed.
I had a plan for my life that was anything, but the one I followed.
Finish university at 24, work for 2 years, get married at 26, start to have children soon after and after they got to grade school return to work and have teenagers and a part time work by the time I was 40. Married after 30 was simply too late in this picture and motherhood also!
But you know: Tell God your plans.....
I married later in life at 36 and I actually as very embrarrassed by this fact.
An older bride in a culture where people still marry in their mid 20´s.
I was also teased a lot about this: That I was the runnawy bride (I was in 2 very serious relationships that I ended)
I blamed myself for this in part due to my bad choices in the past regarding boyfriends.
One in particular I stayed with for 5 years eventhough I knew he was not the one. I felt too bad about breaking up with that I continued on and on and evaded myself by working too much.
So for years I have been blaming myself for this and for the fact that my age might be the reason that I haven´t gotten pregnant, but I am now certain that God wanted me to marry my DH and all that happened before was part of the plan.
So 40 was a birthday that I did not want to reach childless and one that reminded me of my mistakes or what I saw as mistakes. And I dreaded it for many years.
But a shift ocurred within my heart that I can only say that has been achieved through the prayers of others (thanks prayer buddy and other bloggers that have prayed for me!) and because there are so many many signs of the hand of God in my life.
So on Tuesday day of my birthday I woke up happy!! Like it all made sense.
And I saw God´s hand in my life. Perhaps like never before.
Had I not had the relationships I had before maybe I would have never married my DH and I am sure he is the one that has always been the one planned for me.
He is patient, full of virtues (many of which I do not have, handsome, will make a great father, faithful, prayerful, very close to Mary, a great son, etc. He is my Mary to My Martha.
If I had not had married later maybe I would not have been as aggresive in seeking treatment for my IF or even strayed from the Church´s teaching since I did not know its stance on these subjects when I was younger.
My birthday also turned out to be one in which I received an amazing outpouring of love from many unexpected sources. Over 80 FB congratulations, many from long lost friends with whom I have reconnected with since, unexpected calls from DH family (including one from his very difficult brother with whom, I do not have a good relationship with, directly from Iran where he is an expat. I was completly speechless and the olive branch has been extended by him which is a miracle on its own), several different parties organized by my team and DH and family, etc.
An outpouring of love that was so very healing after months of grief.
And my IF started to made some sense.
Without it I would have never encountered Napro and this amazing group of women and grown so much spiritually.
If I had faced IF younger I would probably had not the guts to do all testing for my IF on my own, fly to PPVI and knock on the door to beg for a diagnosis. Only with age I am sure would I have had this courage.
Had I also faced IF younger I would not have even thought about becoming a practitioner. I was too busy and happy with my marketing career.
Had I faced IF younger I most probably would not have met the amazing adoptive families that I have met in the last years and not opened my heart towards adoption.
So I do not know how other that by a miracle my eyes were opened to the fact that God always has a plan, but we many times do not see it.
- ► 2012 (64)
- ▼ April (7)