I finally think I have nailed what has been keeping me from sleeping well the last month or month and a half. It has a lot to do with my personality and with all that has been going on at the same time.
I could not name it, but I now I got it and I need to see it from a different viewpoint since its mostly good or very good, yet my stable side feels like the floor has moved from underneath.
I have two very distinct sides to me: I love to travel, try out new things, meet people from all walks of life . My dad says the moment I walked I almost ran to see the world and they could not grab me. This is the adventurous side to me.
But on many other aspects my life has been extremely predictable and stable and I have loved this also.
I like having these 2 sides: the one that grounds me and the one that lets me fly.
But now I feel on shaky ground like everything is new at the very same time.
Let me try to explain with a few examples of my "stability".
I lived with my parents until I was 33 which is probably scandalous in most Western (very common here to live with your parents until you marry and attend the local university, I only left because my job was too far away not really because me or them wanted it)
I went to the same school my whole life from kindergarten up to high school (the same school my fathers family has attended for 5 generations, over 125 years).
Lived on the very same house where I had been born for these 33 years with my parents. My parents only moved 3 years later after the children left and when my father retired from the same company he had been working for over 45 years. He never knew another job.
I had 3 or 4 very long and stable relationships. One even lasting 5 years with the person I thought I would marry, but then I ended up knowing it was not the person. I was known as a relationship person that seldom dated.
So to me the last 4 months have been major in terms of change and I know deep down in me its the reason why I am not sleeping well and have been so stressed although I have been very happy also. It just goes against a part of me that really likes stability.
My German side likes order, plans, but the last months have brought unexpected changes one after another. Mostly great or good changes, but so many at the very same time that I am feeling ungrounded.
My parents for the very first time faced a grave illness. My dad has cancer and when we thought all was finished the doctor informed us that the operation did not take all out. His prognosis is very good right now with radiation, but I lost my innocence in thinking that they would live forever. This is major for all of us where my parents have been pillars of health their whole lives. I am as most Mexicans very close to them and see them as a major force of wisdom in my life.
We became parents at 43 and 40 in less than 10 hours and even if we prepared for months with courses, prayer and by speaking to others its a dramatic change and I think its even bigger because of our ages. We had become settled in our ways for sure. I do not want this to sound as a complaint (it has been the biggest blessing and happiness of my life) but my head spins in thinking about it.
I went from working full time in a regional position for Latinamerica and being out and about all the time to being a stay at home mom for 5 months with a small baby in just one day. For days on end not seeing or talking to anybody and while I have been very happy its a complete change to my routine.
My DH also in these last 4 months basically changed professions completely unplanned from being an industrial engineer that always worked in factories managing logistics to following his dream and also vocation of working in education. This has meant a dramatic change in terms of the time he can spend with me and Josemaria and also from the glamour of the corporate world to something far more fitting to his heart, but with less than stellar economic prospects. One of the reasons why we need my job (the other one is that we had to spend so much on health issues the last 3 years including Napro, three hospital stays for my miscarriage, health crisis of my DH, etc. We had to dig deeply into our savings which were meant for me to retire when the time came to be a mother) .
And I am about to leave the company where I have worked for 12 years, a lifetime in our industry ( actually I am one of the 3 oldest employees of a company of hundreds in Mexico) to move into another one without looking for it.
Yesterday I talked with the person that would be my boss and he explained in detail to me his way of working, what was to be expected of me and also the flexibility I could have. This last part was the crucial part for me to be able to accept due to Josemaria. I would never in a million years give this up and would rather stay again 4 more years in a job I did not like rather than sacrifice this,
Well he is offering me almost the same flexibility as I currently have (work from home a lot, flexible hours, some days all day in the office to others not being there at all . etc) and I was able to speak to several people that work there and that confirmed me this. This was the last part in my decision making process and this means I will officially accept in the next 2 days after I let me company know.
Last night I did not get a lot of sleep, like most of last month and today I saw what was happening. I should be shouting from the rooftops, we are parents, my DH has found his vocation and it seems I can both be a mother and have a great job, yet....
Can you be fearful while knowing what is to come its very good?
Can you be happy yet stressed?
Should you not have complete peace when things you dream about have become true?
Maybe again I am a Martha at heart and this time I really do not like it.
- ► 2012 (64)
- ▼ December (7)