On Saturday I received the call from the priest that my parish had sent to PPVI last October and the one designated by their community to help out with Napro. The secretary had told him I was looking for him on Friday and he wanted to speak with me. So we set an appointment for today (which is a holiday for most people here) to meet after 9 a.m solemn mass for Our Lady.
He is Canadian and is learning Spanish still so the spiritual direction was in English. I had never spoken to him other than an intro session to Cre.ig.hto.n and why it was so important for him to go to Omaha. I had never had confession with him, nor spiritual direction.
After Mass he stayed in the church for a long time praying which gave me great peace.
He belongs to the Brothers of St John community, a community of brothers and sister founded in 1975 by a Domincan Priest from France that was great friends with JPII. If you ever have the chance to go to one of their communities do so. They are in Quebec., Texas, Illinois and NJ and in many countries. http://www.stjean.com/english/eng/index.php They are the ones that helped me by opening complelty the doors here when nobody knew about Napro. They have been the biggest blessing ever
They have a deep interior life, adhere completly to the Magisterium and have a special devotion to Mary so I know I can trust them on their insights..
The spiritual direction started with me telling him the complete story of how I was called to Napro for my treatment, but also to do something with it here (I mentioned the crucial role the blogs were to me), of my IF struggles, our miscarriage, my deep fears after it and what our current situation was. He listened in deep thought and then he asked me:
Of all that you are telling me what would bring you deep joy? Which role?
I did not know what to say. I was completely blank. I never thought the question of joy would come up. Actually I expected that he say: you have the responsibility to do this and this because you have been given so much. To give me concrete instructions to leave the world and dedicate myself to Napro.
Then after a few minutes I said:
Then he told me:
I know that you cannot entirely devote all of your time right now to motherhood due to the job situation of your husband and you might not be even called to be a full time mother even if your calling is this one so which of these roles would give you the most opportunity to be a mother? Which one resembles motherhood the most?
I said all three, given the conditions of flexibility that all 3 could have. Tomorrow I will know exactly what this new company can provide after I speak in detail with my future boss at 10 a.m. It might well be that the conditions are not there and I need to remain in my job since my priority is Josemaria.
He said then.
The Holy spirit attracts via joy, peace. Of course there is subjective joy and there is deep joy. A subjective joy is when for example you are on vacation enjoying the scene which is not bad, it can actually be very good, but deep joy comes from God and doing what He has intended for you.I then told him:
I feel deep joy with motherhood and also with Napro. When we did not have children I felt somehow fertile through it. In a sense I felt that a practitioner was a spiritual mother to her clients. But somehow I do not feel its the right moment to dedicate myself completely to this . Yes like I have been doing by giving a lot of my time, yet not completely.
I know there will be a time, but somehow I am not ready, yet I feel very, very bad about it. I feel this huge responsibility about it. Maybe I am not a good enough Catholic to leave everything behind and follow God? Maybe my Marthaness is winning? Maybe I am a coward? Maybe I just want to be comfortable? Maybe fear is winning?.
I am also confused because I also felt great peace with the call from the new company. My very first thought when I got the call was that it was a great opportunity to learn about the online world from the very best, to have the flexibility to be a mother and then retire to dedicate myself to Napro.,
I saw it as a means towards an end, never as an end in itself yet I did not have this clarity in the last days, but this was my very first thought after the call As a means to learn all that I could so then I could later apply it to pro-life work and while there also to do good.
I also was amazed the call came right after my consecration to Mary and that it was completely unexpected. I took it as a sign.
Tomorrow I will speak with my proble future boss and if the conditions of flexibility are there and it was something that I saw in spiritual direction as good I was really considering it .
He said then:
There are sensible signs that we sometimes needs like dates, meeting people in unexpected places, yet the more important signs from God are deep peace and joy.
God is actually using Nap.ro to attract you to Him. Nap.ro is just a means. Of course you can do great good with it, but the good you can do does not matter to God if you lose yourself. Each one of us is so valuable that God wants each and every one of us to be closer to Him and uses good causes , people , painful situation to do this, but they are just means. What He wants its you, not what you do..
I do not see you right now ready nor with the peace to leave everything and dedicate yourself fully to this. It does not mean there will not be a time and it migth be very very son, but you must follow peace and joy. Both come from God and are the first steps in discernment . If you are not feeling peace, nor joy in this decision its not the time to take it. There might be a time soon, but not yet.
You must be silent and ask God for your path to holiness. He calls all of us to this and the means towards it will be there. We are all called to be light for the world either by being a mother, in a corporate job, doing social work. Many times God uses the world like a corporate job, to give you time to prepare for something else or as a means to sanctify the world..We spoke about several more things, like that he believed Napro was crucial to the world. That he not only saw that is was a moral way to treat infertilty, but far more. That it helped build families and marriages which was in the end what God wanted. But it the end what it really was it was a way of restoring the dignity of the person.
I want you to seek a way to be silent each day, to ask Him directly how you can be a mother in your different roles which is what brings you joy.
I also want you to tell the donor this. Ask him for money for the project because its important for it to move forward and you can be sure that if he gives you funding there will be the means to use it well for this since Napro is so important for God. Tell him also that you are seeing that you might be called. and wait for him to tell you his viewpoint. I believe he is a very spiritual person and he could give you great insights and if you speak with the heart he will listen, You are not saying no to God, but actually truly listening to Him. He is preparing you.
I left after 2 hours amazed at his deep insights and clarity. I felt such peace.
About an hour ago my meeting with the donor was postponed to the 20th of December since he had a personal problem to deal with tomorrow.
When we meet I will speak with him from the heart. Where I am and where I think God is directing me with complete sincerity. He is a man of deep prayer and I am sure he will understand and also help bring this here when he thinks its the right time,.