Friday, December 16, 2011

Four months ago (with pictures)

Four months ago we met our son.  I cannot believe how fast time has passed and how different this December is from last one. 

A son that we had longed for  over 4 and a half years of marriage and in my case for the many years I was single.  The biggest pain of being single so long was knowing I could not be a  mother.  At least 10 years I longed to be a mother, yet I could not because I had not met the man I would marry

A year ago exactly  I was living my dark night of the soul.  Pain I thought would never end. 

Such a stark contrast between this December and last.

Last year in August we  had become pregnant after years of treatment and just 4 months after my operation with Dr.  H.  an operation that people told us we were crazy to do without insurance in a foreign country.  

 We were ecstatic, yet a few weeks later  and just one day after telling our whole families  during a routine U/S we found out there was no heartbeat at 9 weeks. 

 I have never ever experienced pain as that one.  I still cry from thinking about it right now.

This was our first son.  Miguel after the archangel. 

The next day I had to have a D&C and 4 days later began to have the worst pains of my life,  I actually had contractions like giving birth.  I had a horrible complication from the loss,  "corionic" roots which the placenta attaches itself to the uterus. 

 I spent 4 days in the hospital with only some pain medicine waiting for my body to get rid of the roots , in the maternity ward hearing babies cry.  I do not know which pain was worse, the physical or the spiritual one. 

Why did I have to lose my baby after such a long and difficult fight? We  had done so much.    I actually did all my Napro testing on my own with the help of the Catholic IF Ya.hoo group and sent it to Dr. H pleading for help.  Nobody near me  had ever done it nor knew about Napro.

And then... God had not only  asked me for my baby, but asked me to spend 4 days from hell in the hospital with birth pains hearing babies cry.   I was so mad at Him.

But it did not end there.

Three months later in December  I began to experience bleeding like no other,  it started one afternoon and I thought it was my period, but no. 

Blood was flooding out of me, so bad that I even soaked a chair in a restaurant.  We began to panic and called the doctor again.  I was sent to an U/S and the doctor there determined it to be another miscarriage.

Another D&C...

I learned weeks later that it had not been a miscarriage, but actually a polyp.

Yet I spent all  December thinking I had lost 2 babies in a row. It was my personal Hell.

Such an unbearable sadness, grief, anger.   I could barely move from all of it.     

This December we have Josemaría and just his presence  is the light of our lives.   The pain of IF is still there,  but it has been transformed into something else. 

More compassion, more understanding when people are mad at God, the deep understanding about the value of life in all its stages, the  strenght to defend it.   I do not wish it on anybody, yet I recognize it did make me a better person.

We met Josemaria just 4 months ago and I cannot imagine my life without him. 

how can you love somebody you just met not born from your body so much? I now understand the meaning born from the heart.  I can attest to that.

After a call at 9 p.m at night on the day of the Assumption we met our son 11 hours lateron August 16th..

Four months in which he has transformed us completely.

My DH has a fire I never thought I would see in him. 

  Here are some pictures from his baptism. In the one below he is wearing the baptismal gown worn by all members of my moms family for the last 140 years.

Just seeing him smile and his amazing brown eyes each morning make my heart soar.

Yet I have no forgotten my IF journey and that many are still waiting.  I still cry from reading in the blogs about miscarriages or unsuccesful cycles or treatments. I think I will never forget and I think I never should.

I  keep praying for all of those waiting and those grieving. Praying your Josemaria comes very soon.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Can you be fearful and stressed but also happy?

I finally think I have nailed what has been keeping me from sleeping well the last month  or month and a half.  It has a lot to do with my personality and with all that has been going on at the same time.

I could not name it,  but  I now I got it and I need to see it from a different viewpoint since its mostly good or very good, yet my stable side feels like the floor has moved from underneath. 

 I have two very distinct sides to me: I love to travel, try out new things, meet people from all walks of life .  My dad says the moment I walked I almost ran to see the world and they could not grab me.  This is the adventurous side to me. 

But on many other  aspects my life has been extremely predictable and stable and I have loved this also

I like having these 2 sides: the one that grounds me and the one that lets me fly.  

But now I feel on shaky ground like everything is new at the very same time.   

Let me try to explain with a few examples of my  "stability".   

I lived with my parents until I was 33  which is probably scandalous in most Western  (very common here to live with your parents until you marry and  attend the local university,  I only left because my job was too far away not really because me or them wanted it)  

I went to the same school my whole life from kindergarten up to high school (the same school my fathers family has attended for 5 generations, over 125 years).

Lived on the very same house where I had been born for these 33 years with my parents.   My parents only moved 3 years later after the children  left and   when my father retired from the same company he had been working for over 45 years. He never knew another job.

I had 3 or 4 very long and stable relationships.  One even lasting 5 years with the person I thought I would marry, but then I ended up knowing it was not the person.    I was known as a relationship person that seldom dated.  

So to me the last  4 months have been major in terms of change and I know deep down in me its the reason why I am not sleeping well and have been so stressed although I have been very happy also.   It just goes against a part of me that really likes stability. 

My German side likes order, plans,  but the last months have brought unexpected changes one after another.   Mostly great or good changes, but so many at the very same time  that I am feeling ungrounded.   

My parents for the very first time faced a grave illness.    My dad has cancer and  when we thought all was finished the doctor informed us that   the operation did not take all out.   His prognosis is very good right now with radiation, but  I lost my innocence in thinking that they would live forever.  This is major for all of us where  my parents have been pillars of health their whole lives.  I am as most Mexicans very close to them and see them as a major force of wisdom in my life.

We became parents at 43 and 40 in less than 10 hours and even if we prepared for months with courses, prayer and by  speaking to others  its a dramatic change and I think its even bigger because of our ages.  We had become settled in our ways for sure.    I do not want this to sound as a complaint  (it has been the biggest blessing and happiness of my life) but my head spins in  thinking about it. 

I went from working full time in a regional position for Latinamerica and being out and about all the time to being a stay at home mom  for 5 months with a small baby in just one day.  For days on end not seeing or talking to  anybody and while I have been very happy its  a complete change to my routine.

My DH also in these last 4 months basically changed professions completely unplanned  from being an industrial engineer that always worked in factories managing logistics to  following his dream and also vocation of working in education.   This has meant a dramatic change in terms of the time he can spend with me and Josemaria and also from the glamour of the corporate world to something far more fitting to his heart, but with less than  stellar economic prospects.   One of the reasons why we need my job  (the other one is that we had to spend so much on health issues the last 3 years including Napro, three hospital stays for my miscarriage, health crisis of my DH, etc.   We had to dig deeply into our savings which were meant for me to retire when the time came to be a mother) .

And I am about to leave the company where I have worked for 12 years, a lifetime in our industry ( actually I am one of the 3 oldest employees of a company of hundreds in Mexico)  to move into another one without looking for it.

Yesterday I talked with the person that would be my boss and he explained in detail to me his way of working, what was to be expected of me and also the flexibility I could have.   This last part was the crucial part for me to be able to accept due to Josemaria.  I would never in a million years give this up and would rather stay again 4 more years in a  job I did not like rather than sacrifice this,  

Well he is offering me almost the same flexibility as I currently have (work from home a lot, flexible hours,  some days all day in the office to others not being there at all .  etc)   and I was able to speak to several people that work there and that confirmed me this.    This was the last part in my decision making process and this means I will officially accept in the next 2 days after I let me company know.    

Last night I did not get a lot of sleep, like most of last month and today I saw what was happening.    I should be shouting from the rooftops, we are parents, my DH has found his vocation  and it seems I can both be a mother and have a great job, yet....

Can you be fearful while knowing what is to come its very good?

Can you be happy yet stressed?

Should you not have complete peace when things you dream about have become true?

Maybe again I am a Martha at heart and this time I  really do not like it. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Today´s amazing gift from Our Lady

Today on the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe I was blessed with the most  amazing experience of spiritual direction. Perhaps the best one in my life.  I truly felt the Holy Spirit was present.

On Saturday I received the call from the priest that my parish had sent to PPVI last October and the one designated by their community to  help out with Napro.    The secretary had told him I was looking for him  on Friday and he wanted to speak with me.   So we set an appointment for today (which is a holiday for most people here) to meet after 9 a.m solemn mass for Our Lady.

He is Canadian and is learning Spanish still so the spiritual direction was in English.  I had never spoken to him other than an  intro session to Cre.ig.hto.n and why it was so important for him to go to Omaha.  I had never had confession with him, nor spiritual direction. 

After Mass he stayed in the church for a long time praying which gave me great peace.

He belongs to the Brothers of St John community, a community of brothers and sister  founded in 1975 by a Domincan Priest from France that was great friends with JPII.  If you ever have the chance to go to one of their communities do so.   They are in Quebec., Texas, Illinois and NJ and in many countries.  They are the ones that helped me by opening complelty the doors here when nobody knew about Napro.  They have been the biggest blessing ever

They have a deep interior life, adhere completly to the Magisterium and have a special devotion to Mary so I know I can trust them on their insights..  

The spiritual direction started with me telling him the complete story of how I was called to Napro for my treatment,  but also to do something with it here  (I mentioned the crucial role the blogs were to me), of my IF struggles, our miscarriage, my deep fears after it and what our current situation was.  He listened in deep thought and then he asked me:

Of all that you are telling me what would bring you deep joy? Which role?

I did not know what to say.  I was completely blank. I never  thought the question of joy would come up.  Actually I expected that he say: you have the responsibility to do this and this because you have been given so much.   To give me concrete instructions to leave the world and dedicate myself to Napro. 

Then after a few minutes I said: 


Then he told me: 

I know that you cannot entirely devote all of your time right now to motherhood due to the job situation of your husband and you might not be even called to be a full time mother  even if your calling is this one  so which of these roles would give you the most opportunity to be a  mother? Which one resembles motherhood the most?

I said all three,  given the conditions of flexibility that all 3 could have.   Tomorrow I will know exactly what  this new company can provide after I speak in detail with my future boss at 10 a.m.  It might well be that the conditions are not there and I need to remain in my job since my priority is Josemaria.    

He said then.
The Holy spirit attracts  via joy, peace.   Of course there is subjective joy and there is deep joy.  A subjective joy is when for example you are on vacation enjoying the scene which is not bad, it can actually be very good,  but deep joy comes from God and doing what He has intended for you.
I then told him:

I feel deep joy with motherhood and also with Napro.  When we did not have children I felt somehow fertile through it.  In a sense I felt that a practitioner was a spiritual mother to her clients.   But somehow I do  not feel its the right moment to dedicate myself completely to this .  Yes like I have been doing by giving a lot of my time, yet  not completely. 
I know there will be a time, but somehow I am not ready, yet I feel  very,  very bad about it.   I feel this huge responsibility about it. Maybe I am not a good enough Catholic to leave everything behind and follow God? Maybe my Marthaness is winning? Maybe I am a coward? Maybe I just want to be comfortable? Maybe fear is winning?. 

I am also confused because I also felt great peace with the call from  the new company.   My very first thought when I got the call was that it was a great opportunity to learn about the online world from the very best, to  have the flexibility to be a mother and then retire to dedicate myself to Napro.,  
I saw it as a means towards an end, never as an end in itself yet I did not have this clarity in the last days, but this was my very first thought after the call  As a means to learn all that I could so then I could later apply it to pro-life work and while there also to do good.

I also was amazed the call came right after my consecration to Mary and that it was completely unexpected.  I took it as a sign.

Tomorrow I will speak with my proble future boss and if the conditions of flexibility are there and it was something that I saw in spiritual direction as good  I was really considering it .   

He said then:

There are sensible signs that we sometimes needs like dates, meeting people in unexpected places, yet the more important signs from God are deep  peace and joy.  

God is actually using to attract you to Him. is just a means.  Of course you can do great good with it, but the good you can do does not matter to God if you lose yourself.  Each one of us is so valuable that  God wants each and every one of us to be closer to Him and uses good causes , people , painful situation to do this, but they are just means.  What He wants its  you, not what you do.. 
I do not see you right now ready nor with the peace to leave everything and dedicate yourself fully to this.  It does not mean there will not be a time and it migth be very very son, but you must follow peace and joy.   Both come from God and are the first steps in discernment .  If you are not feeling peace,  nor joy in this decision its not the time to take it.  There might be a time soon, but not yet.  

You must be silent and ask God for your path to holiness.  He calls all of us to this and the means towards it will be there.   We are all called to be light for the world either by  being a mother, in a corporate job, doing social work.   Many times God uses the world like a corporate job, to give you time to prepare for something else or as a means to sanctify the world.. 

I want you to seek a way to be silent each day, to ask Him directly how you can be a mother in your different roles which is what brings you joy.

I also want you to tell the donor this.  Ask him for money for the project because its important for it to move forward and you can be sure that if he gives you funding there will be the means to use it well for this since Napro is so important for God. Tell him also  that you are seeing that you might be called.   and wait for him to tell you his viewpoint.  I believe he is a very spiritual person and he could give you great insights and if you speak with the heart he will listen,  You are not saying no to God, but actually truly listening to Him.  He is preparing you.
We spoke about several more things, like that he believed Napro was crucial to the world.  That he not only saw that is was a moral way to treat infertilty, but far more.  That it helped build families and marriages which was in the end what God wanted.   But it the end what it really was it was a way of  restoring the dignity of the person. 

I left after 2 hours amazed at his deep insights and clarity.   I felt such peace.  

About an hour ago my meeting with the donor was postponed to the 20th of December since he had a personal problem to deal with tomorrow. 

When we meet I will speak with him from the heart. Where I am and where I think God is directing me with complete sincerity.  He is a man of deep prayer and I am sure he will understand and also help bring this here when he thinks its the right time,.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Major decision time

I need to write this here so I can make  some sense of what is going on since yesterday.  I hope this post makes sense for others , but mainly is to help me reach some discernement.

I most probably will hide it after a few hours. 

Yesterday as I was coming out of the church after my simple Consecration to Mary and after the Hour of Grace I received a call.    I had been praying about many things including this one and   I saw the call as a sign. . 

In summary after 2 months of interviews  I have been offered a dream job with amazing company. with the added bonus of the promise of tons of  flexibility to be a mother.    A  dream come true  for any marketer. 

This would mean leaving my current job at a company where I have been 12 years (a lifetime!)  and starting fresh there. 

And as I have written about it I need to continue working.    I  really have  no choice, but to continue to contribute financially to my home.

Its not a matter of luxuries or having extras, but me not working would mean putting at risk many essential things.   

For the last  4  of these 12 years at my current company  I have not enojyed working there  (actually getting up to work has been a struggle all these years), but  staying has  permited me to work mainly from home and give a lot of my time to Napro and to my own IF battle.     It was a sacrifice worth doing for something greater.

Also I knew when the time came to be a mother the company would offer me a lot of flexibility and I could combine both if needed.   Years passed and I remained doing something I did not like in hopes of this. 

Looking at things this way my decision to say yes to  this new company and switch jobs would be an easy one. Move from a job I did not like to another I probably would love and still be able to be a mother.   

Yet I am torn.

Not about leaving my company , not about starting a new job  (if the promise of the needed flexibility is there so I can spend a lot of time with Josemaria), but what this would mean to my work with Napro.

You see at the very same time this comes when we have a meeting next Tuesday with a major major donor.    

He knows about Napro and loves it, actually he speaks very,  very highly about it to others.The bishop that has been helping us here has said he will help us for sure.   

We know its a very strong possibility we could get his financial support.

Today I spent the whole morning in a planning meeting for this with B and her DH, both experts in  development of social projects. 

As we prepared the presentation many important questions came up: .

"What would be my future role in all of this?  How much time could I devote  with the reality of a baby and my need for a job?  I would be asking for money but what would my role be" 

I am at a complely different point in my life and all my time needs to be devoted to my baby and a way for me to have an income.  

Then  B´s DH asked me point blank:. 

"You will need to make a decision soon.  tjhe offer  is amazing , but Napro is a mission.   

With a new baby, a new job you will not have time  to give to Napro and your reality is that you need to continue earning money.

Why not ask Providence for a sign?

Have you ever thought about asking this donor for a salary so you dedicate yourself to this?

 this donor who is a billionarie can do it and has done if many times with other projects"

He hit the nail on the head.

 I never thought about this seriously even if I know this is possible,  because I am so afraid what it would mean. 

Put my complete trust in God.

Dedicate myself to this leaving behind the security of a corporate job.

On the other side I was so sure that the call from this great company was a sign from the Virgin, but now not anymore.

You see,  I had prayed so hard yesterday and almost imediately I had the call from them when they still were not supposed to call after 2 full months of waiting (they had told me they would contact me in a week)   Also  I felt so much peace.

Right now I do not know what to think.   What is God asking me to do about Napro?

 I tried contacting my spiritual advisor to consult with him but could not reach him. 

Should I ask this donor for this next Tuesday as part of the project (me becoming officially the project manager?

 Stay at my current job and devote any remaining time to Napro?

 Switch jobs and leave in the next months all my work for Napro?

My heart and head do not know what to make of all of this and top of it all. Tuesday at 10 a.m I am to meet with my future boss  and a couple of hours later with the donor to present to him the plan to bring napro here.

I spoke about this with a dear friend tonight and she told me to do as the Virgin

Pray, trust and wait.  

I have to do this so I can listen to God´s voice, yet its so hard.  

Why is it that everything  happens at the very very same time?

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Today HOUR OF GRACE with the Virgin, Brazil and awards!

So many things to blog about!!!!! 
The hour of Grace today at noon promised by the Rosa mystica apparitions, the Consecration to Mary, the liebster awards, etc.

  For some reason the Consecration to Mary keeps appearing in the most unexpected places since my talks last weekend with Chris.topher West about my fears and his suggestion to do it in the simple format as soon as possible and then do the big one .
I am amazed that it keeps poping up every sintle day, like not letting me forget. 

 I really think God is this way with me since I am a very hardheaded person and I am also sooooo Martha and also so fearful.    He needs to be very,  very blunt with me!  Also I am amazaed I learned yesterday of the HOUR OF GRACE TODAY AT NOON. 

I had no idea. I really am a complete novice in things Mary.   =)

The Consecration has been appearing  through other bloggers that have been thinking about doing it today,  and lavished with lemons i n Febraury .   via friends and even cooking classes!  

And I even had the Secret of Mary book in Spanish right here at home that the nuns had given me to read many years ago due to my marriage on St. montfort´s feast day and had forgotten about it completly.  Well I looked and in seconds I found it.

 Out of the blue I found the exact book West told me to read!! Not the consecration to Mary, but the Secret of Mary!

But more things happened  yesterday and  I was simply amazed.  For the last weeks I have been taking a baking class once a week in the mornings.  With the coming of Josemaria and my life changing from one day to the very next from being out and about all the time to staying home all the time in just a few hours I needed some time out of the house without leaving him too much time.   So during this morning nap I go to this small place very near my home and learn how to bake bread, do cookies and cakes for 3 hours.  It has been God sent.   I also have been able to speak with other mothers, learn about  the many resources for us near my house and in general develope my female side that I had long forgotten due to my work. 

Well I always knew the owners of the store  were very Catholic since they have this big image of Guadalupe in the store (here its very common) and it always has flowers  and the lady that is at the front desk has all this medals.   Well out ot the blue yesterday we ended up talking.  She had been on the phone and she was telling somebody that she was going today to the Basilica.  

As I was paying for some special flour I needed to bake some bread we ended up talking about many things for the very first time and she told me she worked with unwed mothers so they do not abort.

 Well one thing led to the other and I told her about Napro.  She was very excited and told me she could introduce me to many many people that would love to help.  I was amazed.

But then I told her I was fearful and that I was thinking about the Consecration, but was still unsure of the commitment.  Well..... she told me she was doing it today and told me here is the way to do it and pulled a pamphlet in Spanish with the whole consecratoin of Montfort!  Right there in the cooking store.     I had such a face that I think she was laughing. 

She also told me do it.  Many things will happen still,  but you will have pace and strenght.

I spent all afternoon in awe and sure that I needed to do it today. 

Then came something also incredible.

As I blogged some months ago in May I spent some time in Brazil for work and in a series of miracles ( a letter from Dr H right before I left, a person from Rio de Janeiro being at the very same time in Sao Paolo, the meeting with the head of the life commision of the latinamerican bishops, etc)  I met with a client that has changed my life. .

Its simply amazing:   Brazil is farther away from Mexico than Europe  (its like 11 hour flight) and  it the country in Latinamerica that speaks a different launguage from the rest (we speak Spanish and they speak Portuguese and while they are similar we Spanish speakers have a hard time understanding them) so that we met in person and have been able to  talk is amazing (we speak in English and when needed she in Portuguese and me in Spanish)

So Carolina became my client  (she allowed me to put her name here).  She is a medical doctor,. who had a conversion some years ago and works very strongly for life there.  Well she and her DH have been facing IF for a very long time and she does not have his support 100% in not doing IVF and has a lot of pressure from her political family to do it. 

It has been an increible cross and she would welcome all prayers.   She has not read this blog but I told her about it yesterday and said I could write about this here. 

And Napro does not exist in Brazil.  she has NO options!     So we have been skyping for a few months  and she is now in Omaha.  Tomorrow will be her lap with Dr. H.    If you can spare a prayer .

I cannot even imagine traveling from so far away without the support from your DH and his family  to a strange country  in another language in the middle of winter to stand strong in your values. (i ts Summer in Brazil and very very hot in Rio de Janeiro) so the winter in Omaha is an added cross for her.    Simply amazing. 

Well she told me also about the consecration last night also, but not only this....

She told me about the    HOUR of GRACE TODAY AT NOON.  I had no idea but I have been reading about it and its a promise by the Virgin on the day of the Inmaculate Conception that if  at noon you spend this hour at Church or home She will grant you many graces.   Here is more:

The Hour of Grace, celebrated on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, was given to us by Our Lady Rosa Mystica. She said of this Hour: "This Hour of Grace will produce great and numerous conversions. Hardened and cold hearts resembling this marble will be touched by divine Grace, and they will become faithful to Our Lord in loyal love." We are asked to intercede for all in our lives, without interruption of any kind for one hour, after reciting Psalm 51 three times, the Miserere

If you put hour of grace immaculate conception noon you will find tons of articles.   So today I will be at church doing this and later do  my simple consecration to Mary.

She had been doing it for the last 3 years and had been asking for the opportunity to become a mother and have a diagnosis.   Well today she in in Omaha.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How about that for a sign!

 I almost cried when she told me the story.  and while we were there in Rio de Janeiro we went to the chapel of the bishop and right there was Our Lady of Guadalupe which is not common since the virgin of Brazil is Aparecida. 

Well we asked Her for help for Carolina and ...... she will have her operation on the Feast of San Juan Diego and she will be still there waiting for her diagnosis on Her Feast day next monday December 12 day of Guadalupe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and last but not least I was bestowed the amazing honor of a Liebster Award by 3 bloggers!!!

Alive in hope! 
Joann from Rise and Shine and Give God the glory!
Lavished with lemons!

I am having a hard time linking and doing it so I will practice tonight and do it for tomorrow!!  I am a complete blogger ilitearte so these things take me time.    I promise to do it!  

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Simply amazing how Mary speaks

I am still trying to understand what happened this weekend.   I am sure the Holy Spirit and Mary were there.

The course by Christo.pher West on the Theology of the body was amazing.  I feel peace that I have not felt in the last months. 

When I met him I thought he was very serious and kind of aloof.    We asked him some questions and he answered in very short phrases.   He seemed to be somewhere else and I was kind of disappointed.

Then the course started.  I was very nervous because I had a very 7 active month old to take of both Thursday and Friday all alone and also participate actively in the activities.

Luckily  Josemaria behaved very well and although I had to lose parts of the course to take care of him, in the end it was a very big blessing he was there. His very first trip ever in his whole life and it was to take a Theology of the body course!

Well I can only say if you have the opportunity to read or listen to him or watch him in video do it.  It will be worth every penny.

 Pope Benedict and many others say Theology of the Body has the potential to change the Church and I truly believe it does.  One marriage at the time.

The couse spoke deeply to my heart and I think to most participants. I am still digesting what this will mean to my life, but it stirred my heart deeply and its very,  very much linked to IF and Napro..

I was also very blessed since he had just been to Guadalupe and spoke in many of his examples about Our Lady.  He was very,  very impressed by her. spoke of many many sybmols in her image that even I did not know as a Mexican  and said her image spoke volumes about the TOB

He will begin some work soon about Her and TOB and JPII  since he says the 3 are key to the reevangelization. 

(JPII very first international trip as Pope was to Mexico to see her, in his desk he had 2 images: one of Guadalupe and one of the Black Madonna of Poland and did several pilgrimages to see her)

I needed this couse so much.   I have been very physically and spiritually  tired of many things, actually exhausted in part related to my month long flu, then Mexico and that things in some aspects seemed to go backwards, then my coming back to work and many work related decisions, etc.   All on top of a lack of prayer life and my DH having to work extremely long hours.  

On Friday night I had the opportunity to speak during dinner with West.  He sat right beside me and we had an incredible dialoge.  Just because of this the trip and the expense and everything was worth it.

I had heard he was part of something having to do with St.  Montfort and wanted to ask him about it.

He asked me about the coming of Josemaria into our lives and I told him it was very much related to the Virgin and St Gianna.   I told him about all the amazing dates; us married on St., Giannas feast day, Josemaria born on the day she had given birth, our permision to adopt in the day of the Visitation and his coming on the day of the Annunciation, 5 years after we had gotten engaged on the very same day , etc. 

He smiled and said it was simply amazing and that God had plans for us for sure.

 I told him I was afraid. Terrible things had happened to us since we became involved in the prolife movement.  That perhaps I was destined for a partime  corporate job together with motherhood.   It was far more comfortable. 

I asked him directly about his relationship with Montfort and told him I had married in his feast day even not knowing who he was and even confessed to him  I had been very disappointed about the day.

April 28th,  since I had wanted to get married on St. Patricks day,  but could not.

Actually I had been very mad!

Then I told him I has found out later if was Montforts feast day  (the nuns that I go to told me and laughed when I told them I do not know who this guy is!!! )  and also St Giannas (this one I found out  2 years later in Omaha since in the saint calendars here she does not appear)  and that for years and years it did  not make any sense.

We both  laughed hard about my lack of Marian knowledge. 

Then I told him I was very tired about many things and that since starting our work with we had had many horrible struggles and that I was afraid of what God was asking.  I told him with tears in my eyes about my miscarriage, that I had gone into labor pains several days later and then 3 months later was told we had miscarried again.  It had been my dark night of the soul)

I am not sure why,  but I felt I could tell him. 

Well he said that nobody could work for life and not consecrate him or herself to Mary.  That the bad guy wanted to kill our spirits in this battle and that it seemed that its what was happening to me.

He told me to consecrate myself to Mary and also this project and that all would be well. There would be still many struggles,  but that Mary would put the evil one on a leash. 

Put myself and all of this in Her womb. We would be protected.

There would  be struggles, deep ones but the bad guy would not be able to touch us at all.

He then told me he many times also had struggles  and just the night before had one very bad one, a dream from the evil one one , yet was not afraid since he consecrated each day to Her.

I felt such peace after this talk and could feel his sincerity.

He had spoken in the morning about the intense pain of IF and had said ask anybody that has struggled with it or lost a baby to miscarriage the inmese worth of each and every human life  .

 This is why many people that have faced IF work for the prolife movement.  They get it!

Well just in the course out of the maybe 12 couples there 6 had struggled with IF!!! one woman had lost 5 pregnancies and had 6 living children, another just one son  after 20 years of marriage, another had also just one  after many many treatments, us, etc.  

Then he told me to offer everything to Her and asked me to read the Secret of Mary by Montfort. He said read it and do what he says.

Then he mentioned that the TOB is really the culmination of what the Pope Paul the VI had started with Humanae vitae.  We could  not try to bring Napro here without understanding TOB and since JPII had put his work under Mary we could not put this not under Her!

That night I could not sleep and downloaded in my Ipad the kindle version of the book.  I started to read it and then remembered....  how could I have not seen it before?

We had consecrated to our lady of Guadalupe this project on my wedding anniversary together with a couple that had donated a traveling image of Her with a priest named Juan Diego.

The reason we chose this day  really was that  St. Gianna as a doctor that had given her life for her child  and was very popular among napro practitioners.   

yet  I never ever made the connection with the  Consecration to Mary.  How stupid of me!!! 

We had consecrated this to Her  on the day of the Saint that had written the Consecration to Mary. Wow! Yet I saw it for the very very first time!

We had not consecrated us., but the project yes!!!

And now must come the consecration of us..... 

West explained that this was crucial moving forward and that She must want something of my DH and I, we just did not know it .

Actually She wants something of each person and specially of those struggling to conceive. She speaks in signs and in God incidences, yet we do not see it. 

 We got engaged on the Feast of the Assumption and our son had come 5 years later on that very same day and also we got unknowingly married on the Feast day of St, Louis Marie Gringon de Montfort who was key in speading the Marian devotion and also gave JPII his motto: "Totus Tuus".

He recommended we read his book "Heavens" where he links Montfort, JPII and the  mystics with TOB.  I started last nigth and is simply beautiful!

 Since my DH is a carmelite is specially important for us  since several of the ,mystics (Sta Teresa de Avila, San Juan de la Cruz)  are carmelites.  My DH knows their poetry by heart and I did not even know it!  

Then told West I read in the book that is recommended that you consecrate yourself on a Marian feast. 

Several important Marian feast days are coming up!!!!.

West  said the traditional consecration takes more than 30 days, but you can also do the short version and later start preparing yourself for the big one.

So we will  begin again under Mary.  Just like JPII did.     I just found this Spanish video which I have always loved.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Intentions and amazing news from the retreat

Sorry about the typos but learning to use an ipad =) I am now at the TOB retret site. I traveled early since my dh could not come with me today and the organizers offered to follow me. Today early I met west and a few hours ago had lunch with him and his team and the local organizers. I am really so blessed and inspired by these people some of the best of the Church Now i am 100 % sure we needed I be here. So many signs First one of the representatives of the TOB in mexico tells me. I need to speak with you. Just yesterday we had several issues in our classes with some of top people from the prolife movement saying that nfp does not work in the perimenopause and that actually is like playing russian roulette. It got realy bad and we need statistics from crms that it indeed works. We have already scheduled a meeting and he wants to establish some way of working moving ahead. Imagine: what better combination than napro and theology of the bo.dy ? Then one of the first persons I meet from the participants is the amazing bishop. I had been thinking all week about him since he prayed for josemaria in jerusalem during his ordination pilgramage and they had not met. I had no idea he would be here. He comes to me and smiles and goes directly to josemaria and calls him his name without me having to remind him and givesmhim his blessing. This from one of the best men i have ever met and a bishop that is the most amazing one i have ever met. Then I find out that the person we have been trying to meet with for several months now for napro here ( maybe the biggest possible ever supporter for us in latinamerica)'and who has promised to help, but our agendas never match will be here with his wife for the whole time. Never in a million years could I have planned it. We will get to spend 3 days with the person that can truly help launch this here. Please pray for this specially. The intentions are: For all of those still waiting For b,her health and that of her family, her company, their foundation, for fertilitycare latinamericaible and her clients. Fort those in her familynthat do not believe, for openess tonlife, for her familiy to be open to God,s plans, For JB and a prompt recovery and all the intentions of her heart. For amanda and a short wait for her adoption and patience. For polkadot so that they conceive and for discernement of Gods will for her family For maria so they can adopt soon For blessed with the lord so that they can be blessed with a child For ks to conceive and have patience as God unfolds his plans for her For susan m for her dh and her to have children of their own normal, happy, healthy, and holy. For healing for her dh, and her physical, mental, spiritual and emotinal, for joy instead of sorrow and freedom from fear. For a very special intention. For c in brasil and her coming operation with dr h and for guidance and peace in her possible adoption. For maria fernanda whose future is being decided right now by a judge. So that the judge places her with the the besr family formher For my dh and i, for his job, for discernemenr on gods will for my job and my work for napro, for our future children biological or adoptivr, for napro in latinamerica, for my dad and his cancer. For the sisters of st john For this retreat