April

The last days have been hard. Two invitations to baby showers, one for a baby due the exact same date as me, several pregnancy annoucements, fears about adoption due to horrible comments from family, not being invited to family celebrations since we are childless, etc. When it rains, it pours.

But I know this is not it, not the only part. My heart is heavy since April is approaching.

A very difficult month. The more I think about April the more I feel sadness, sadness that is not going anywhere.

April is the month of my 40th birthday. Never in a million years could I have imagined that I would be reaching this age childless. Never. I cry as I type this.

I will be an older mother, if I am ever one, and I mourn not being a younger one like I always wanted. Also this makes a large family impossible. There are age limits to adoption here and we probably will be only be able to adopt maximum 2 or by a miracle 3. But most probably just one. One. wow. And not even sure right now.

April is also the month that Miguel would have been born. The baby that I miscarried at 9.2 weeks. I seem normal from the outside, but everytime I see a baby belly that is 7 or more months along I cannot help to compare and I die inside. his due date was April 8th, a few days before my birthday.

And the bad thing is that I see a belly like this almost everyday. She is the wife of my office counterpart. She is due 3 days after I was due and works as a nutritionist for our office. A baby boy for a couple that used IVF. Seeing every day a belly due the same days would be hard, but with IVF I feel such an irony. I cannot help it. I also die inside.

Also April is my 4th wedding anniversary. On the 28th, St Gianna´s day. 4 years childless, 4 years of trials unrelated to IF, but made much worse by it.

I just hope April passes quickly and to be alble to survive it with dignity and not a crying mess.