Monday, March 14, 2011


The last days have been hard. Two invitations to baby showers, one for a baby due the exact same date as me, several pregnancy annoucements, fears about adoption due to horrible comments from family, not being invited to family celebrations since we are childless, etc. When it rains, it pours.

But I know this is not it, not the only part. My heart is heavy since April is approaching.

A very difficult month. The more I think about April the more I feel sadness, sadness that is not going anywhere.

April is the month of my 40th birthday. Never in a million years could I have imagined that I would be reaching this age childless. Never. I cry as I type this.

I will be an older mother, if I am ever one, and I mourn not being a younger one like I always wanted. Also this makes a large family impossible. There are age limits to adoption here and we probably will be only be able to adopt maximum 2 or by a miracle 3. But most probably just one. One. wow. And not even sure right now.

April is also the month that Miguel would have been born. The baby that I miscarried at 9.2 weeks. I seem normal from the outside, but everytime I see a baby belly that is 7 or more months along I cannot help to compare and I die inside. his due date was April 8th, a few days before my birthday.

And the bad thing is that I see a belly like this almost everyday. She is the wife of my office counterpart. She is due 3 days after I was due and works as a nutritionist for our office. A baby boy for a couple that used IVF. Seeing every day a belly due the same days would be hard, but with IVF I feel such an irony. I cannot help it. I also die inside.

Also April is my 4th wedding anniversary. On the 28th, St Gianna´s day. 4 years childless, 4 years of trials unrelated to IF, but made much worse by it.

I just hope April passes quickly and to be alble to survive it with dignity and not a crying mess.


  1. You WILL be a terrific mother! My prayers are with you especially as you enter such a hard month. I hope God's plan is shown to you, soon. With love.

  2. I'm so sorry, I understand why that is hard. I am praying so much for you! I know you will be a great mother and God is doing wonderful things through you. Your faith is strong even when you don't feel it. We are here for you.

  3. I have an IF friend turning 40 in April too- she is suffering greatly too and my heart just breaks for the both of you- please don't go to baby showers if they are going to cause you grief and sorrow- you can send a really nice gift! Be gentle to yourself these next weeks and I will pray for God to grant you the peace only He can give- God bless you dear friend! Love you!

  4. Prayers for you and I hope April brings you blessings beyond belief. (Hugs)

  5. I am so sorry!!! :( I hope April goes by very quickly and that May is full of peace and blessings. Sending hugs your way.

  6. Oh, I pray that April holds wonderful things for you, to negate the sadness of Aprils past. Hugs and prayers!!

  7. I am sorry that you are going through this.

  8. Praying for you and hope that you get through the month of April. I can not even imagine the pain you are experiencing. I hope May (Our Lady's month) comes quick for you!! ((hugs))

  9. I'm so sorry to hear this. I pray that April ends up being a miraculous month for you!

  10. Hugs and prayers! I know you'll be a wonderful mother to your future children!

  11. Sweet one, I completely understand why you are saddened by this. Sometimes it's so hard...we just wish we could know why why why??? I wish I knew for you so I could comfort you. All I can do is pray sweetie. I will absolutely pray for you. Remember YOU WILL HAVE children and God will give you grace about all of this. I am praying for it:)

  12. EVERYTHING you are saying I relate to. EVERYTHING.

    My dear sweet one. Do me only 1 favor. Just do everything you can to have 1 child in your life then worry about EVERYTHING else later.

    Just one child. Just one child. Just one child. Your child.

    DROP everything else until that baby is in your arms.

    No more baby showers.

    I understand about feeling left out as an older Mom...but, it is glorious being an older Mom, too!

    Dare I say, many women are DONE with having kids and they see me at 40 with my 19 month old...and wish they weren't DONE!

    Life is so different now. We all will live much give up all the pain and suffering and regret about being an older mom and JUST GET THAT BABY so you can be a MOM.

    Then, all the healing will help you move forward and see what is next for you!

    We will never forget the children we might have had, I understand this.

    Mary had only 1 child and so did her parents--they had only her!

    So many Biblical Women had only 1 child.

    But, you may indeed have many, many...

    Just get that first!!!!

    This is all I care about for you I am being selfish FOR YOU because you are too saintly and unselfish.

  13. Little JoAnn is right!

    Put everything in the ring in your effort to have YOUR child. You WILL be amazed! One step at a time my dear friend!

    Keeping you close in my heart!

  14. Sweet lady, my heart is breaking for the pain you are enduring. Please don't give up hope and don't forget to offer it all up to Him over and over again. I know it's hard to think/see it now, but good WILL come from your sufferings.

    I am praying extra hard for you!!!

  15. I am so sorry you are feeling so downtrodden and that April will be such a very hard month for you to get through.

    But....remember the saying, "April showers bring May flowers". Your flowers are blooming dear friend, you just may not be able to see them just yet.

    Love and hugs.

  16. :) Thankyou for praying for this another Martha!!! You know what we need. And both of you know that we are praying continously for your family. What about the hope brings us those beautiful purple jacarandas that floursihes all over our city from march to april? Being and older mother is not so bad... ...I feel I have more experience and I do a better job if I were a young mother at 24! Kisses