how to find the time?

The last weeks  pulled into so many directions and I am not sure  how to make the time for important things or not feel so bad about not having the time for them.

I know I am very tired right now and there are only so many hours in the day.  Between JM and work there isn`t time for anything else, yet I feel like its not enough and feel so bad for letting other things down.

I leave every morning before dawn.  My office is very near a construction area and traffic has become impossible.  It will take some months still for this to be resolved and until then  I need to work around this.

I much prefer not facing traffic than spending an hour stuck in it so I am leaving home between 6:45 a.m and 7:00 a.m and arriving at the office around 7:30 a.m or before.  I am usually one of the very first in the office together with my boss.    I also see this as the best way to be home earlier.

Before I was able to spend several days a week home doing home office,  but I am training right now my 2 new reports and my presence is needed until they feel more secure.  They should be able  to take a large work load of me, but they are very young and I have to spend countless hours training them and supporting them.  Our work is highly specialized and it took me years to learn, not I cannot ask a lot more of them.    We are still missing the 4th member of the team and with the very strict criteria my company has its seems that it will take far more time than expected. .

 I thought their coming would ease things, but some things take double the time since I am also teaching them.  I am hoping this is temporary, but until then its an incredible draining thing since we are implementing like there are 4 people 100% on board, but  we are only at maybe 2 full time persons in terms of their and my  capacity to take on projects.   To say this is stressful is an understatement.  

On other aspects of work things could not be better, yet the mental challenge is huge.  The level of my peers is very high and every day I need to be a the top of my game.  My team has done great in our annual review and we have become an international focus area due to our success and large potential.   All eyes now are on us since they have discovered now our department.   Mails from people all over are pouring in.

As I have blogged here I need to work, as basically right now I am the sole support of our family  (an added stress to be sure).   My DH has still not found a job and we will need to pay our way with the adoption and we do not want to close the biological door yet with the very expensive medicines.  

My DH has taken most of the load at home, specially JM and  this gives me great  peace since JM is with him a large part of the day and he is an amazing father.

Still I run through the day to leave as early as possible to be home with both and since most people are way younger and single  they have all day to get things done even into the night and many times do not understand why I focus so much on getting all done as fast as possible.

  No meetings in the afternoon (so my morning is booked solid with no email time) no personal emails, no FB, almost no time for personal calls.    My hours there are fully dedicated to getting work done in as little hours as possible, but as much as I try it has not been possible.  

 The idea was to leave at 3 p.m, but I am able only Monday´s and work from home Friday which has happened only once.  The rest of the week I leave between 4 and 5 and travel home in 20 to 30 minutes and  spend until 8 p.m with JM.   Then its some house pendings, time with DH, sometimes a little email time and I collapse into bed.

The last weeks have been extra hectic : the largest event of the year with over 3 thousand participants and then a series of trips to launch a marketing program.   December looks much much better thanks God.

  I have a very priviledged position in a great company (my boss continues to fight for 5 months maternity leave for our second adoption which does not exist in any other company here) and I see  also that from there I can do a lot of good.  2 crisis pregnancy centers have gotten support from our company  NGO program  with me helping them on the  process and my team has been given permission to support 3 additional NGOs in their marketing and web strategy (via agencies so minimal extra work for us) .  I look so much forward to this and thank God its part of the things that I can do at work.

I really thank God that my job is not only  a way to support our family, but it also has a meaning beyond the paycheck.  I really know we can make a difference.

So this is in summary my week, all my time is dedicated to work and my family.

Weekends are to catch up with housework,  my parents, brother and my political family and to go to Mass.   Time with friends  and mass during the week has been extremely limited, yet I know I can only do so much for now.  

At the same time  I feel very bad for not dedicating more time to  3  other crucial things  (apart from daily mass and friends):
My health, to Napro and to  help our adoption agency.  

Regarding my health:   I went to the functional medicine doctor last week and it became painfully clear that I need to focus on it,  not only for fertility, but to be a better mother and wife.  I barely have energy these days and my digestion is getting worse and worse.   We have snack areas all around the office with tons of yummy stuff, plus my boss is a terrible snacker , plus the added stress and the lack of time for excercise and the combination is lethal.

The doctor believes that I have developed full blown milk and wheat allergy as well as leaky guy syndrome and disbiosis  from all the antibiotics taken during and after my miscarriage  (I have been given 4 rounds of extremely high doses of antibiotics in the last year and a half).

We spent over one and a half hours talking and after many tests and questions this was his conclusion.

I had for years perfect digestion,  but now most days I feel bloated, I cannot digest things that I could in the past, I have not excercised in many months and  have gained weigth.   I am an older mother and I need to be there for JM so this needs to be part of my life.

Also he explained there is no way to get pregnant (even with "perfect" hormones)  if digestion is off .  He reviewed all my tests and said that he thinks fixing digestion and lowering inflammation could help us get pregnant again.   For TCM, which he also practices,  digestion is key for fertility   In summary if the digestion is bad you cannot get the reproductive house working.

So he sent me to the nutritionist for a very strict diet.  No milk, no wheat, no sugar, no caffeine and so it goes, plus very strong probiotics  and l-glutamine and medicines for candida.   I will have to make time, not only for my sake,  but also for JM sakes.   I feel so bad to  have slacked of on my health, but now I need to make the time.  Nutrition, excercise and relaxation.... not sure how I will manage.  

Tomorrow also is the day I will have my annual check-up at the hospital.  Seven hours of tests, yikes!!!!  have not done it in years and what better time than now where  I need to really  to restart a healthy routine, plus at no cost to me so I needed to make the effort

Western medicine will probably say all is normal and only  to lose weight, but I have come to be a believer in functional medicine and the check up  will help see if there is anything else to do.  

On the Napro side the bishop continues calling me very excited about everything,   just a few days ago he called referring to us one of his nephews and he continues to be there all the time.  To have this bishop in love with Napro is God sent, yet I feel so torn right now, like I am failing him personally .

On the client side I still have  many active clients and each day I receive new referrals and some even say they want to wait until I have time,   yet  I am  not accepting any new clients.   I truly have to make a major effort to see my first  clients at nights.

  I get several emails a week on this and I feel like I am failing every one now that we have some money, but I have less time than ever.   And lets not go to the development of Napro here or the constant emails by PPVI, who has zero resources to help here.   I do not see how I can  manage this on top of everything else

I also feel very torn in terms our adoption agency.    They gave us the biggest gift of our life and I have seen time and time again how they have saved so  many lives.  With our second adoption on the way, I will spend many nights in courses in the next months, but they also are asking me for added help.

A few months ago I was able to guide them in their application process  for a very large grant and they won it and since then they asked me to join their  national  communications advisory committee.  Its a very large agency with houses in over 25 cites and I told them  that I could only advice and spend a couple of hours a month  on this  and that was the plan.

I attended several meetings and it was very clear that they are lost when it comes to marketing.

 Completely and absolutely lost.  

 I have been working in marketing now for over 15 years and one thing that I specialized in years ago was Social Marketing and now online marketing and its very painful to see that they do great work, but in this part are so lacking.

70% of the women they help come through online media and they know they are not helping hundreds because their  bad strategy.  They have capacity to help many more women and babies, yet they do now have this expertise.

The numbers of women and babies  that could be helped with a good online strategy are staggering, yet the more I advise them on the next steps, the more needs appear and the more time it requires on my part.    I am trying to find them a good agency, but they have no idea how to manage it and it becomes more and more tangled and more time on my part is needed.  

Three very, very important things, yet I know my health should come first and the rest  I will need to focus on later.

Still  I truly cannot help,  but feel terrible about it.