Monday, November 19, 2012

when you see others suffer due to IF

A person near and dear to me is suffering from IF.

I cannot go into details in case somebody IRL is reading this, but I really love her and her DH.  They are an amazing, devoted couple.

They have done everything right.  Got married in Church, prepared themsleves for the sacrament and did not live together prior to marriage,  used NFP always and when they felt the time was the right one decided to start a family with a lot of hope.

 It took them a few months then, but she got pregnant and then at 11 weeks miscarried completely unexpectedly as everything had been perfect so far.

 My heart weeped for them then and continues to weep for them.

Well they tried on their own for a while and then went to the doctor (my own gynecologist) who said just to relax,.

Months and months passed and one day her DH  came to me filled with desperation and asked me to teach them Creigthon as they thought they needed to move forward and were clear they could not do IVF which would be the recommendations of other doctors .

 And so it started.

Front row view of the pain of loved ones.

Soon her charts showed some hormonal issues and so I refered them to the only doctor I could that would understand her charts.   The doctor was just learning Napro,  but decided to take the case and consult if needed .

Me guiding them and knowing full well the difficult road ahead doing Napro in a country where its just starting, with limited knowledge, many medicines and test protocols  not available.

Still   I just did not know how hard their road would be.

Well a few days ago her  parents came to visit and will be staying with them for a month due to a medical treatment her father must have here .

I knew her mother kept comparing her to her very fertile sister (6 children and counting), but I did not know the extent of her lack of understanding and even cruelty.

A few days ago in front of several friends including me she said:  I want to go home to my  other daughter since she has given me grandchildren and I do not have anything to do here as there are none.  

My heart broke and could see her dying inside. .  

What can I  say to heal her heart?

The local doctor has begun giving them medicines  a few montgs ago and told them to use them up to a year and only then consider a lap.  I want to help them move faster since I know they need it, but at the very same time we have  such limited resources here that I cannot refer them to anybody else.

And her mother continued saying many other idiotic things, even one refering to adoption and biological mothers  that I had to stand from the table and walk away in order not to scream at her. (it had to do with the need to "neuter" them after they gave up their child for adoption).

Complete and absolute ingnorance. I am still fuming days later.     

My friends went away this weekend  to  travel as they had planned a few months ago  (and most probably escape this woman)  and her mother said:  " Bring me a grandchild or do not come back"  

All of this in front of several of us.  Her DH just looked at her mother trying not to scream also at her.  

How my heart aches for her.  

I truly cannot fantom suffering from IF and having this mother.

My own mother who heard this cringed.   She knew from my own suffering how deep this would hurt her.

Her DH is livid, but these are her parents and going into a gigantic fight while her father is fighting an illness would not be wise.   He just mantains as much distance as possible.

They continue to hope in Napro, but have not been successful and they are becoming more and more despondent.

Since my story has not been successful  I truly do not know what to do to tell them to still hope.  

Next step is probably PPVI, but they are not ready yet to do international treatments.  

Still  I see the suffering in their eyes, and now increasing each day due to her idiotic mother.  

How can I help?  I cannot tell her what I truly think about her mother, but I want to make her feel understood.

What would you do?  


  1. Well. . . I don't know any of you, or the dynamics of the relationships, so the best I can do is toss an idea and let you weigh it in light of what you know about those involved. If you feel capable of setting aside the anger you feel, perhaps the best thing would be to arrange a private conversation with the mother of your friend. Hopefully, she loves her daughter as much as you do, and is simply ignorant of how much her words are hurting her. It should be pointed out that her daughter is doing everything in her power to have a child that she very much wants. Her infertility is not her fault or her choice, and while the mother has six precious grandbabies, this daughter of hers would give anything to hold a single child of her own. Has this daughter ceased to be HER child, such that she feels there is no reason to spend time with her if there are no little ones to play with? Hard words and anger would certainly not help, but perhaps gentle words and prayer would. I could set aside my anger, but I don't think I could stay quiet. :) Best to all, whatever you choose to do. If nothing else, just keep being there, being a friend, and doing all you can for them as their FCP.

  2. I would ask your friend how she feels when her mother says such things. Maybe just being a listening ear is what she needs right now and as she expresses her feelings would realize how abusive her mother is being. If she realizes maybe that will empower her to stand up of herself and her marriage by placing some boundaries on her relationship with her mother. I know that this is not popular with the hispanic culture as that is my background also, you are suppose to just allow your elders to say whatever they want and pretend like it doesn't hurt but this is wrong. This is a form of abuse and it needs to be stopped with a lot of prayer and healing!

  3. This woman sounds so much like mine... I wish I had more wise advice, but I do have prayers, for your friend and her insensitive mother.

  4. Speak back to this mother something like, "You would think that by having 6 grandchildren you would be a woman with great sensitivity, love and compassion. An amazing grandma that everyone would want to be around. But, no you have become a mean, negative, selfish shred when what we want you to be is the most loving, approachable grandma.

  5. Oh man. All I can say is that your friend is lucky to have you. I've had some pretty insensitive things said to me regarding my miscarriage lately, but nothing like this nonsense. Has your friend sat down with her mother and had a real, brutally honest heart to heart conversation with her? That should be the first step. Who knows if it would sink in, but it seems like it needs to be done.

  6. I like Cassi's & Kat's comments. Both are great suggestions. I will offer prayer for your friend and her DH. You are doing so much just by being there and offering your support. I cannot imagine having a mother like that. It would break my heart and spirit.

  7. The issue of instiliing hope in a couple, especially when you yourself do not have a tangible "success" outcome that they would be hoping for, is one I battle on a daily basis. But, I think the answer (isn't it always) is in God. Tell them what you wrote here. Tell them- you do not know if and when their treatments will be successful in making them parents. We do not know and cannot know anything about our future and can only live as best we can in God's plan. As long as they approach their lives understanding that there is little to understand as humans outside of heaven... they will find joy, and peace, in whatever the outcome.