Update on biological motherhood and adoption

Its been over a month and a half since I last wrote here.   I think it has been the longest I have been without writing since I started blogging.  

 Life has been hectic and also my thoughts have been all over the place. I feel many major decisions are coming our way: Trying again biologically, a second adoption, the sale of our home, etc

 I have started many posts in my head both in my private blog and this one and when I wanted to write I finally had not a clear idea and then later all was old news.  I am way behind also in personal emails and  returning phone calls and I feel terrible.

My last post spoke about the group from Latin America that was to attend the educational phase 1 in PPVI to become practitioners and Napro doctors.

 It was crazy, but we pulled it off with the money that was donated and in less than a week: a priest, a Brasilian doctor, a family educator (who will support with the promotion of the system)  and 3 practitioners from very different backgrounds (1 from Venezuela, another Brasil, another Mexico)  were able to attend.  It was nothing short of a miracle.

We are still finishing some of the payments and paperwork which has taken a long time to fix, but we are getting there and working towards now having finally decent Spanish materials.

Our second adoption proceedings have also started in earnest.   We have delivered our file and the  follow up of now 18  months for Jose Maria has been also done.  We are only missing the 2 year one  follow up and we are done.  We have been inundated in papers, yet I am trying to focus on having another baby at home next year to make time pass faster.

One thing  that has changed now in terms of our adoption  is  all the changes our agency is implementing, adding many courses to the mix that are now mandatory and now a set fee and  it has been tough.

 I feel like its a second or 3 rd job and this is the reason I see clients less and less in CrMS.

Well our agency has started not only charging the lawyers fees,  but asking for mandatory  donations from each adoptive couple according to the socio economic level.

The agency in the past only charged the cost of the adoption courses, asked us to pay directly the lawyers fees and asked at the very end of the adoption for each couple to discern and do a donation.

This donation to adopt  is now is mandatory and set to a specific amount and I cannot help,  but feel we are being charged for a baby.  In our case its a large amount since we rank high in their table  of income  and  do not get any discounts like most of our group (still nothing compared to the USA), but still around 1 or 2 months salary per adoption.

I know many people that adopted and did not later help  and the situation of the agency has become very hard in terms  of fundraising.  Less and less biological mothers are giving up their children and the adoptive parents there fore are no match for all the services the agency offers,.   We know we are the exception and most people do not do this and that the agency needs the money, still I think another ways should be found.

We now have to pay all of the fee months before even receiving the baby  and also ask friends and family for donations.    While I would gladly give the money as a donation, I truly feel terrible about the mandatory and set aspect of it.

 The Hague agreement  which  is the international agreement on adoption  says that no money can be asked from the adoptive parents in order not to promote child trafficking (what is done in the USA and many other countries is contrary to this international agreement),  this means that the adoption agencies should be completely free, non profit and only ask for minor charges like paper work and offset all other costs via fundraising and governement funds.  

 The money specifically should not come from the adoptive parents since they are also beneficiaries and then a bid war can start which is the last thing adoption should be.

A few days after we received Jose Maria we donated a large amount to our agency and decided to continue donating each month a set amount for life in order to thank them and continue promoting their work.   We know we are the exception and most people do not do this and that the agency needs the money, still I think another ways should be found.  If I knew the money we are about to give them was not linked to an adoption by us I am sure I would feel differently, but since its not I have this naggingaised it to the highest level in the Americas (not only Latinamerica) and now my case is a global benchmark  and my story is being used to change global adoption policies.   It has become a hot internal topic and its being decided next week what will happen.

 I do not know why I get into these situations  (just like at my former job where they also gave me 5 months as a first in the whole company and also Napro treatment in Mexico I have been the first)  , but if it will help me be home for 5 months and  promote adoption so be it.  =)

On the other hand biological mother g genrous by doing it this way, but in many other countries is always as long as normal maternity leave.

   I had my annual review (which went amazingly well and was very motivating) last week and told my boss of our intent to adopt again and what had happened and he was livid.

 He told me he could raise this to the highest levels of the company since he found it discriminatory against adoptive parents (5 months is normal maternity leave).  He said that he would make sure I got the full 5 months and  that my case was easy since I had very good reviews and a high job level, but  he thought it was the opportunity to fight for something important.

Well ,  my boss did as promised and  raised it to the highest level in the Americas (not only Latinamerica) and now my case is a global benchmark  and my story is being used to change global adoption policies.   It has become a hot internal topic and its being decided next week what will happen.

 I do not know why I get into these situations  (just like at my former job where they also gave me 5 months as a first in the whole company and also Napro treatment in Mexico I have been the first)  , but if it will help me be home for 5 months and  promote adoption so be it.  =)

On the other hand biological mother hood continues to pull at my heart and its becoming louder each month.   I cannot explain it and I feel it might be misunderstood as seeing adoption as a lesser good which is not at all.  Actually for some reason I see children still in my prayers coming from both to our family.

My cycles continue to be perfect despite being 41.   I still have 1 day or 2 of TEBB which is not worrying the doctors. but the rest is text book, regular, perfect luteal phase, perfect CM even on low dose Clomid.  My FSH is below 9 and my hormones are now optimal since they lowered the HCG.

 Dr. B even said I would have a very late menopause from the look of it.

Since the miscarriage and even more since the coming of Jose Maria we have been open to life, but my attempts have half hearted and instilled in fear  or internal fights between adoption and biological motherhood.

Most months we have used 1 or 2  days of fertility and I continue on most of the cocktail of medicines when I got pregnant and still no pregnancies.

Yet I feel my efforts have been infused in fear of going again through the terrible  miscarriage experience I had and also feeling torn between adoption and biological motherhood.

Still deeply inside of me something tells me not to close the door completely and its becoming louder each month.

While wantig to be pregnant I  have at the same time returned to old habits which I know are not good to fertility  like drinking an energy drink in the morning (its sort of a vitamin guarana infusion which I crave and one or 2 strong coffees with this horrible creamer full of terrible fats during the day), I have gained weight from lack of exercise and a bad diet, I restarted eating milk and wheat which in my case are very inflammatory  and not done all that I was doing before .

And well the other thing is the stress, such as:  my job, my DH lack of work and an 18 month old very,   very active baby, adoption proceedings and my work with Napro here.

I have been to 2 TCM doctors and both have told me that my kidney energy  is weak and that this is the reason behind our lack of pregnancies, but that it can be fixed with diet, exercise and rest. Both said the same thing, now there is nothing really clearly wrong with us, but its a matter of delicate balance now.

 I know that taking this advice this would upper my chances dramatically on top of Napro, yet in the end I have been  too exhausted to do it and even scared of it, but the clock is ticking.    

At the very same time in FB and in RL in the last 3 weeks I know of at least  8 women over 40 that are pregnant at this time and I cannot help but wonder to give it another full try, and not half hearted attempts

From  my high school class  3 or 4 women are now pregnant for the first time, one even the 3rd.   All working women,   all 41 like me .  While I suspect a couple did it via IVF, it still gives me hope and  then the last 3 days I found out about 3 others from other places which really  got me thinking to give it another full chance.

Healthy  mothers, healthy babies, nothing about these terror stories that you hear from regular RE and  doctors.  Even Dr. H and Dr. B told me in no uncertain terms to continue trying until I was 43.  Two years to go from now.

So in the last 2 weeks  I have restarted reading all that I did when I got pregnant and I can see a clear pattern that it happened  when I was the healthiest (diet, exercise, Napro and relaxation)

 I have my annual check up in the next days (6 hours of tests at a top hospital ) which was optional by my company, but I decided to take  it now and I also booked an appointment with a functional medicine doctor.

I  also reread the book Clean that I had in my Kindle and it really got me excited about getting healthy again.   When I got pregnant I was working with a functional medicine nutritionist and I have decided to go back full force to this which focuses a lot on lifestyle, nutrition, exercise and food allergies, plus TCM which  I love.  

I will post here my findings in case somebody is interested.  

From Napro the only thing missing has been the U/S which I have not done and  I will discuss with the doctor the next steps.  Dr. B wanted me to go with a couple of cycles of HCG shots near ovulation and even Femara.  

I did not want to go there, but it might be something to look at when I get healthy.  I truly think it would be wasted now that I am do not feel healthy.

Please pray as we restart this path.   I still have deep set  fears in me that I need to conquer, but I also know that God does not put a desire in your heart that he will not give you the strenght to handle in case something  bad happens.