I have been trying to reflect on my feelings in this IF journey, not only the time after my miscarriage, but also the years that lead to my long awaited pregnancy and also the very brief time I was able to call myself a pregnant woman.
In all of these times during the last three years, with the exception to a brief period just prior to my pregnancy, the main feeling has been FEAR and I do not want it to define me anymore.
I absolutely hate it and I think its not the way to live as a Child of God.
Right now I do not know where all of this will lead us: A biological baby, become an adoptive family or to remain childless. All of them seem open at this time. I want to live any of them without fear. Yet I am a long way from this, but slowly gaining peace. I desire peace more than anything.
I would not say that I am a fearful person and perhaps a lot of people would even lable my as fearless. But with the exception of some fearless things that I have done in the last years I have let this time be defined by this feeling.
Fear of that I will :
1) remain childless for the rest of my life.
2) adopt and something will go wrong
3) get pregnant again and something will go wrong, maybve even miscarry also again.
4) And maybe the "strangest" due to this intese desire of motherhood: if we are blessed with a biological or adopted child will I be a good mother?
The first fear has been the hardest for me during this journey and I am facing it now again.
I have asked time an time again for God not to let this happen to us. I have begged, threatened and plain escaped listening to Him in case He even thought about asking IF of me.
I have always wanted to be a mother, although perhaps my decisions have not reflected this. Not being a mother could have been labeled my worst ever fear.
Maybe my "Marthaness" is due to this fear to sit down and listen and trust in God. If He asks me to remain childless to be sure that I will be a mother and fertile in some other way, a spiritual way. That He will fill my empty heart.
I have not yet been able to give over to Him my fertility and family and in order to escape my fear I have become an expert at doing.
I know that I have to do something for my health, but some "doing" has been more an escape rather than a way to help myself. Reading obsesively on the web and books time and time again, working too much or just doing plain too many things at the same time.
Our journey in the last couple of months has been very intense. He answered first with an opportunnity to adopt after a very long wait and then a pregnancy and later a miscarriage all within this time. None of them eased my fears.
First my fears when given the opportunity to adopt surprised me.
We are blessed with some great friends that adopted and this slowly opened our hearts towards adoption, an option that has always existed for us and that we spoke about even before we were married. Even if we saw very happy families I had many fears.
Would we be accepted by the agencies? What if there was something wrong with us? Here in the type of agencies we want to use (a very Catholic one) parents are selected and chosen by the agency since we do not have open adoptions. From hundreds only a few are selected, normally the ones with the best conditions for the child.
Would I be a good mother to a non biological child and also would everything work for both the child and us?
I have had the priviledge as I mentioned to get to know some very, very happy and blessed adoptive families and in some cases far better adapted and happier than biological ones.
But I also have known some where it did not work out due to the parents (expectations that could not be met, bad parenting) and in a few due to issues with the child (some mental health issues). What if God asks us to adopt a child and something does not work?
I know that both these things can happen also with a biological child, but somehow the need to reflect that brings adoption have made me question myself more deeply than most biological parents do.
Will I have the strenght and wisdom to help the child? Will I be a good mother?
Even with these fears I decided to pursue adoption and was ready to question and prepare myself in the long wait process about these things.
Yet as I have mentioned here we had just been accepted by our agency after many months of waiting when we found out we were pregnant. I was very, very confused.
We were finlly accepted for adoption and we get pregnant? No pregnancies in 3 years and it finally happened.
I knew that our acceptance for adoption did not mean that we were guatanteed to have a child (the process had just started and many, many things could go wrong), but there was a clear light at the end of the tunnel.
Then I saw our pregnancy was as a sign that we were then in reality called to biological parenthood. This in the space of 2 weeks. My head was spinning.
But a new fear arrived and actually grew exponentially.
What if something went wrong with the baby and its health, what if I could not be a good mother later on, what if I would miscarry? I had been too long on the blogs and also knew enough people to know that this could happen.
I asked God to spare me the trial of a miscarriage. Begged Him, told Him that I had already been infertile for very long and that had been enough.
Yet just when I thought the time of greatest danger had passed (were were 9 weeks and I thought the possibility greatly had diminished due to my great hormones and many symptoms) we did not see a beating hear in the monitor at our U/S.
My worst fear had become realized.
I cried, screamed like never before. Why? why? were 3 years of IF not enough?
We had said yes to adoption and then no due to our pregnancy, but then cruely miscarried. All of my fears had become true, we were to remain childless.
I know this might not be true (we could still be parents either through pregnancy or adoption), but at the time and during the first weeks this was all I could think.
"In reality God wants us to be childless. All along this has been His desire for us. Whom am I kidding?"
Yet, now a few weeks later, reflecting on all of this I know that I need not to fear. He as been with me "crossing this valley of death".
God is a good God. One of infinite compassion. He has helped me to start heal the death of my unborn child and has show me that even when faced with one of our biggest fears He is always at our side.
Somehow I am starting to feel peace, peace that I have not felt in these 3 years. Maybe this is what happens when you face the fear in the face and see you truly can survive.
My prayer now is that regardless if we adopt, become pregnant or remain childless, we have peace.
I do not want to have this intense fear when faced with any of these options in my life. That I know deep within myself that I will have the strenght That God is a good God and is with me.
Like Mary I want to sit as His feet and listen and trust in Him.
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