Thursday, September 23, 2010

Where I am right now


As they title of my blog says I am a Martha (after the Martha, Martha!) trying (but hardly succeeding) to become a Mary.

I found out during confession some years ago that this was me in the Bible and the priest nailed it! I am a worrier by nature and also a doer. This does not mean that my heart does not yearn to become more Mary, but I have such a hard time!!!!

You can call me restless, curious and many other words. My own mother says that when I started traveling at a very young age for studies and later a lot for work she just saw the dust of my suitcase for months on end.

My DH says its very hard to keep up with me and a test for aptitudes some years ago stated that I was double right brained. Not normal right brained, BUT double! This might explain also that I am also very visual, but cannot remember most facts and I can be very very disorganized!

Just 3 days after my miscarriage (after almost three years of IF) and a uneventful, but heartbreaking D& C, I started having complications since the placenta attached to the uterus with little roots that do not come out of a normal D&C. In order to protect my future fertility the doctor advised against another D&C and let my body try to do it naturally.

I ended up in the hospital with contractions for 3 days and with heavy bleeding and was able to leave after 4 whole days there. I am still facing anemia almost 3 weeks after being released. I cannot describe the feeling of having contractions and knowing there was no baby anymore. Only knowing that he was in Heaven made be able to survive this.

I had to stay home recuperating and what did I do? Read up on causes of miscarriages and surf the Web doubting what my doctor was saying that this perhaps could not have been prevented!!! Instead of praying for consolation and strenght! Oh, well!!

This blog is not only my quest to connect to the most amazing community of Catholic IF bloggers, but also a way hopefully to become more Mary and also to express what I have learned as a Martha in case it can help any one out there (but this will be secondary).

I know I need it and my miscarriage and IF have brought me to my knees. I have no hard time praying for others and I love doing it and even adopting them spiritually, but I need to sit by Jesus like Mary and hear what He wants from me at this time.

I married later in life (just had my 36th birthday days before my wedding), but I always wanted a family. My grandmother to whom I was very close called me "Mamacita" (little mother in Spanish) since I took always care of the younger children and my brother and sister.

I never imagined I would become a business woman traveling all over, nor that I would focus on my career for so long since I for sure was not finding the right person to marry. I do not think also that anybody close to me would have imagined it.

Never in a million years could I have imagined that I would marry so late and later face IF.

God wants something from me clearly and has been very patient with me and its not only that I study to become a FertilityCare practitioner or working towards bringing Napro to Mexico (which I am), but something far deeper.

To trust that He has a plan in all of this not only for me to "do something" out of it but to "become more", not to rely only on my strenght but to listen to Him. This will be my quest in the next days, weeks and months.

To grow spiritually through the pain and not only find a cure to my IF or bury myself in adoption papers.


  1. I turned 36 a few months AFTER my wedding except that I married in 2006. I know what you're saying. I never in a million years anticipated working as long as I did (I'm a chef)and getting married later in life. And now to be going through IF and miscarriages when I have always wanted as many children God would give me is terrible AND humbling.

    I'm sorry you are still recovering physically from your miscarriage.

  2. I married later in life (34) too, we waited for the best right? I know you are still hurting. I wish I could say that it would go away, but it won't. Time heals. So get to finding a reason, and try try again. Adoption may be around the corner too :)

  3. I am so, so sorry about your miscarriage. It's heartbreaking just reading your story. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'll keep you in my prayers. On a happier note, it is great to see you're becoming a FCP to bring NaPro to Mexico!! Are you almost finished with the program?

  4. I am so sorry for your suffering. You are clearly an amazing woman of God.

  5. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I think it's wonderful that you are blogging. It will help you honor your little Miguel and provide you with amazing support. Welcome!!!