My feelings are all mixed up this week and I am running around like a headless chicken with many priorities at the same time. (I do not know if headless chicken is correct in English, but I hope you catch my drift!) =)
On Monday we had our first adoption class. From 7 p.m to 11 p.m !! =)
The first of some 15 in depth classes on adoption, a prerequisite for our adoption process. All is so very professional that I am very, very excited about it. Even if we do not end up adopting I am sure they will be very worthwhile. Top level professors covering all aspects of adoption, education and child development from a very Catholic perspective.
We are together in the class with 12 other couples from all kinds of backgrounds, from a very simple and poor couple to the director of the national crisis pregancies centers and a very important company director. All are Catholic (a prerequisite with this agency and married by the Church) and range from very Catholic people to people that are just starting their faith journey. Since most of the process of adoption is free you can get very different people in the same class and this really adds to the experience.
Monday was the introductions and I heard their IF journey´s. So similar to ours, in terms of the stages of grief that all experienced, yet many far away from God and I reflected that I can only be grateful that He has always been there.
I have been lucky in terms that I have always had good Catholic doctors since many of their stories were terror stories in terms of ethics by doctors.
The class and the group made me actually very excited about adoption!! And on top of it all the professor when she heard I was a practitioner invited me to a coffee one of this days to learn about Napro!! =)
But then during the rest of the week I started to struggle with conflicting feelings.
I just miscarried about 2.5 months ago. Actually we were on the adoption path, when I found out I was pregnant. We did not cancel the adoption process knowing full well that miscarriage was a possibility and then it happened.
And a month later after the miscarriage we get THE CALL. Our process has formely started and the odds that we will adopt are very high.
My miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but it also gave me hope that I can be a biological mother.
So right now my DH wants to pursue both roads and all my family and his are expecting us to continue only the biological route, yet I am pulled in both directions.
Yet very scared of even restarting the biological one. That God will ask again a child to Heaven from me.
I haven´t done my thyroid testing yet not any of the testing to check for any inmunological factors. I have let my health slip due to grief and this way I have a good excuse. wow! Now that I see it on paper its so clear. Yet I cannot let my fear dictate my health management nor that I will or not have a family.
Can it be that God is really calling us in both directions? None are sure and we might well end up childless, yet I feel both.
Do I have the strenght to pursue both and have my heart broken in both?
But I am scared of the biological one on a very deep emotional level after all that happened, yet if I do not pursue it again will I regret it for life? and my DH?
I think and feel yes.
And then there is my work. Crazy!! I am overwhelmed now. After my miscarriage I had to stay 4 days in the hospital due to complications. I had very, very strong bleeding and also contractions and it took me over a month to go back full time.
And a person near me took advantage of this.
I will not go into details, but this person decided to start bossing my team around and played politics and now I have a mess in my hands with lack of prioritites and an amazing amount of work on me and my team. So right I have to play the strong role and be the bad guy and try to put order where a person decided to do all in his own personal interest. Sigh!
And then there is Napro Mexico. People have discovered there is a practitioner here and I am getting calls and emails from several other states. One or 2 new client requests a week!
And there is the development of the program so we can have it up and running and not be a one woman show. Tomorrow I have a very important meeting with a donor for Catholic causes that looked for me specifically after he found out we had now people trained. And Monday and Tuesday with some people form NY that want to start doing this type of programs in developing countries.
Yet I cannot focus too much on the development side since I have not graduated. I need to do so still since I pushed the date to Februray. Yet I feel that all of this is a true call from God.
Can you feel so many calls: adoption, biological parenthood and work with IF couples? Or am I kidding myself?
So many directions and feelings:
Adoption: Happiness, expectations
Biological motherhood: Scared, yet a deep yearning for it also
Napro: Deep calling to it, overwhelmed with work on this respect, deep happiness when I can work with couples. I see God´s hands very clearly
Work: Duty (I need to work and cannot quit) and anger due to the person doing bad things. Also the need to be very, very strong to put order.
Tonight I will go to Adoration and put it in His hands. Could you also please pray for wisdom and strenght for me?
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