Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mixed up emotions

My feelings are all mixed up this week and I am running around like a headless chicken with many priorities at the same time. (I do not know if headless chicken is correct in English, but I hope you catch my drift!) =)

On Monday we had our first adoption class. From 7 p.m to 11 p.m !! =)

The first of some 15 in depth classes on adoption, a prerequisite for our adoption process. All is so very professional that I am very, very excited about it. Even if we do not end up adopting I am sure they will be very worthwhile. Top level professors covering all aspects of adoption, education and child development from a very Catholic perspective.

We are together in the class with 12 other couples from all kinds of backgrounds, from a very simple and poor couple to the director of the national crisis pregancies centers and a very important company director. All are Catholic (a prerequisite with this agency and married by the Church) and range from very Catholic people to people that are just starting their faith journey. Since most of the process of adoption is free you can get very different people in the same class and this really adds to the experience.

Monday was the introductions and I heard their IF journey´s. So similar to ours, in terms of the stages of grief that all experienced, yet many far away from God and I reflected that I can only be grateful that He has always been there.

I have been lucky in terms that I have always had good Catholic doctors since many of their stories were terror stories in terms of ethics by doctors.

The class and the group made me actually very excited about adoption!! And on top of it all the professor when she heard I was a practitioner invited me to a coffee one of this days to learn about Napro!! =)

But then during the rest of the week I started to struggle with conflicting feelings.

I just miscarried about 2.5 months ago. Actually we were on the adoption path, when I found out I was pregnant. We did not cancel the adoption process knowing full well that miscarriage was a possibility and then it happened.

And a month later after the miscarriage we get THE CALL. Our process has formely started and the odds that we will adopt are very high.

My miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but it also gave me hope that I can be a biological mother.

So right now my DH wants to pursue both roads and all my family and his are expecting us to continue only the biological route, yet I am pulled in both directions.

Yet very scared of even restarting the biological one. That God will ask again a child to Heaven from me.

I haven´t done my thyroid testing yet not any of the testing to check for any inmunological factors. I have let my health slip due to grief and this way I have a good excuse. wow! Now that I see it on paper its so clear. Yet I cannot let my fear dictate my health management nor that I will or not have a family.

Can it be that God is really calling us in both directions? None are sure and we might well end up childless, yet I feel both.

Do I have the strenght to pursue both and have my heart broken in both?

But I am scared of the biological one on a very deep emotional level after all that happened, yet if I do not pursue it again will I regret it for life? and my DH?

I think and feel yes.

And then there is my work. Crazy!! I am overwhelmed now. After my miscarriage I had to stay 4 days in the hospital due to complications. I had very, very strong bleeding and also contractions and it took me over a month to go back full time.

And a person near me took advantage of this.

I will not go into details, but this person decided to start bossing my team around and played politics and now I have a mess in my hands with lack of prioritites and an amazing amount of work on me and my team. So right I have to play the strong role and be the bad guy and try to put order where a person decided to do all in his own personal interest. Sigh!

And then there is Napro Mexico. People have discovered there is a practitioner here and I am getting calls and emails from several other states. One or 2 new client requests a week!

And there is the development of the program so we can have it up and running and not be a one woman show. Tomorrow I have a very important meeting with a donor for Catholic causes that looked for me specifically after he found out we had now people trained. And Monday and Tuesday with some people form NY that want to start doing this type of programs in developing countries.

Yet I cannot focus too much on the development side since I have not graduated. I need to do so still since I pushed the date to Februray. Yet I feel that all of this is a true call from God.

Can you feel so many calls: adoption, biological parenthood and work with IF couples? Or am I kidding myself?

So many directions and feelings:

Adoption: Happiness, expectations
Biological motherhood: Scared, yet a deep yearning for it also
Napro: Deep calling to it, overwhelmed with work on this respect, deep happiness when I can work with couples. I see God´s hands very clearly
Work: Duty (I need to work and cannot quit) and anger due to the person doing bad things. Also the need to be very, very strong to put order.

Tonight I will go to Adoration and put it in His hands. Could you also please pray for wisdom and strenght for me?


  1. Yes, will pray....

    I also felt the very same thing after my miscarriage. I actually even think I said I don't want to ever get pregnant again because I fear I would not survive it again. It was based on fear. The only thing that I keep thinking in my head is just keep moving forward with all of it....One door will shut, one door will open, or they will all open and we will just see how it works out...

    You are doing God's work, that's is what I tell TCIE all the time when she gets tired with the napro stuff..God's people need you....

    The adoption and pregnancy with health will all be taken care of Him in His time....So I say run through both those doors with arms wide open, screaming Lord I am here! hahahahaha ;)

  2. Oh my, I have so many thoughts swirling in around my head in regards to this post. (The funniest one being "running around like a headless chicken" - I have never heard it said that way before, but it means the same thing - oh, cultural differences are great! I just say "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off", but yours is much for concise and to the point.) I digress though...we are in the same boat, but opposite, my DH wants to move full steam ahead with adoption, but I had to ask that to halt for the moment, as I needed to just catch my breath on whole napro side of things. We are still looking into that and I can't do both at the same time. I am just too worn out.

    So, all that to say that unfortunately, I don't have any good advice for you, but I will pray for you. I hope that will help some...oh, and ask some of my favorite Mexican saints to intercede. OLG, pray for us! St. Juan Diego, pray for us!

  3. Oh so many emotions and directions...I will pray for you!

  4. praying for you....I have friends who both adopted and had bio kids- I pray you are blessed with both :)

  5. I'll pray for you. I had a late miscarriage, and opening up my heart again to new life was very painful. I was super scared.

    What helped me was thinking about our Blessed Mother. I decided that if she could, she would have opened her womb up to God again immediately after losing Jesus on the cross. (She could only have one son-Jesus- of course.) But in honor of Our Blessed Mother's great love, I could risk losing a child again "for Mary."

  6. Well the last thing I want you doing is stressing too much about that job. That is the last thing you need. I always have to remind myself that the job can live without me AND to take things one HOUR at a time b.c if not, my mind goes biserk! (that is my made up word:) And as far as all these other confusing thoughts go, sweetie, I will lift you up in my prayers at mass this morning. I will pray for clarity in your life and for GOD'S will :)HUGS

  7. it's so scary to think of being pregnant again especially with all the trauma you had to go through. I will pray for you to see clearly what God wants from you & that you have the strength to do it. I hope you can get that thyroid in line so you feel better!

  8. You are into some pretty deep muck here, so many things to do and think about. I also feel called to continue ttc - even 4 miscarraiges doesn't dissuade me - but also want to start adoption process too (will take off running as soon as I can get DH on board). I will pray for your stress to lesson, and for God's will to be done (and done soon) in your life.