Do not know what to think or feel

I do not even know where to start. I have no words really to explain how I feel.

For the last 3 weeks I have thought and belived 100% that I had miscarried again. Even named the baby.

Yesterday my amazing Catholic doctor told me what the pathologist report said.

It was not a miscarriage.

It was a polyp.

A polyp that had caused my horrible bleeding and that had caused for the endometrium to look like a pregnancy had been there.

What God has intented that I learn from this I do not know.


It seems like a joke. A bad one.

But I must believe there is a purpose.


In the last 3 months so many lessons:
A miscarriage that broke me in a millon pieces both physically and spiritually.
Four days later a 4 day stay in the hospital with the most horrible pain, contractions and bleeding I could have ever imagined.
Two months of crazy, crazy cycles that even with my practitioner experience I had difficulties managining.
Then bleeding so heavy that I was scared to death. I even soaked a restaurant chair.
Then the news by two great doctors that I had miscarried again.
And now three weeks later. It was not a baby, but a polyp.


There must be a plan for all of this. I know it. I need to believe it.

Maybe that I become an expert at all things woman. That I become more compassionate of my clients and understand basically most of the things that a woman can go through.

That I finally understand that I am not in control. But He is.

To put myself 100% in His loving hands.

But its so very hard.