Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Do not know what to think or feel

I do not even know where to start. I have no words really to explain how I feel.

For the last 3 weeks I have thought and belived 100% that I had miscarried again. Even named the baby.

Yesterday my amazing Catholic doctor told me what the pathologist report said.

It was not a miscarriage.

It was a polyp.

A polyp that had caused my horrible bleeding and that had caused for the endometrium to look like a pregnancy had been there.

What God has intented that I learn from this I do not know.

It seems like a joke. A bad one.

But I must believe there is a purpose.

In the last 3 months so many lessons:
A miscarriage that broke me in a millon pieces both physically and spiritually.
Four days later a 4 day stay in the hospital with the most horrible pain, contractions and bleeding I could have ever imagined.
Two months of crazy, crazy cycles that even with my practitioner experience I had difficulties managining.
Then bleeding so heavy that I was scared to death. I even soaked a restaurant chair.
Then the news by two great doctors that I had miscarried again.
And now three weeks later. It was not a baby, but a polyp.

There must be a plan for all of this. I know it. I need to believe it.

Maybe that I become an expert at all things woman. That I become more compassionate of my clients and understand basically most of the things that a woman can go through.

That I finally understand that I am not in control. But He is.

To put myself 100% in His loving hands.

But its so very hard.


  1. Oh my gosh! How perplexing. I wish they had figured all this out sooner to avoid 3 weeks of grieving and anguish. But I'm so glad it was not the loss you had thought. I pray they can get some answers for you quickly!

  2. Oh, I am so sorry for all this heartache and confusion! God will bring you through it, into the light of his peace! I am praying for you!

  3. How confusing...Yes, it is totally hard to handed it "all over" to Him- but necessary! I am praying for answers for you.

  4. I'm just shocked. I cannot believe all you've been through the last few weeks and then to be told this. Just shocked. I have no words, but I'm so, so sorry.

  5. How confusing! I am so sorry for all this...but it is inspiring how, no matter the situation, you give it to God, and are always trusting of Him. I gotta believe He is very pleased with you for this.

  6. That's our hardest job as Christians, in my opinion!

  7. I am so very sorry you went through such a roller coaster of emotions thinking you were pregnant (and no doubt still are riding that ride). Prayers are with you my friend.

  8. I am soooo sorry. I know this will be of little or no comfort, likely, but I became pregnant for the first time just a few weeks after a polyp was removed from my uterus... I'd been bleeding nearly 2 months straight, had it removed, and then-- a miracle. Praying for your miracle to help make sense of all this.

  9. I'm so sorry that you have so much drama with your body and it's causing so much emotional turmoil. Praying for you.

  10. Oh gosh, this is awful. I'm praying for you friend.

  11. OMG! I can't believe you had to go through all that and then find out what you experienced was not a miscarriage. I am praying that you can find the purpose behind all this suffering that seems so meaningless but is so understandibly painful. God must have a great deal of trust in you Elo! Love you!