I have been absent from blogging for over a week since I spent the last days at my parents while my DH had to work.
He only came back on the 31st after several hard days with my family.
It was an incredibly hard week and they have no clue other than me breaking in tears in the middle of Mass today very publicly and eyes that denoted tears that I was able to hide from them.
It was supposed to be a week of healing with my parents and siblings. It has been almost 2.5 weeks since my miscarriage and I needed this time with family so very, very much.
Yet they do not know what to say or the extent of our pain that they ended up doing or saying all the wrong things. This from a family that I know loves us very, very much.
They do not know what you say about my health, our miscarriages, our finances and adoption plans. They truly do not and a lot of what they said made it much worse without even realizing it.
First is my father. He does not know how to relate to someone in pain. Never has.
He is an amazing dad, yet whenever we were hurting he did not have clue what to do.
He is very worried about me and it hurts me to know this. Worried about my health, my DH lack of job direction and our finances.
Very and his way to deal with it its to give my DH advice so he can find a better job (so he can better support me) which embarasses me no end, give me advice that we should invest in their neighborhood so we can have a great investment and live near them when we have children or talk to my mother who then relays the messages.
For example he has been pushing for years for us to buy a plot of land in their neighborhood, a very nice area near the woods that has increased prices substantially in the last years as an investment and also so we can build a house near them in the future so they can take care of their grandchildren.
My brother has just built there a beautiful house and my father does not understand why we cannot. He knows that I would love to. Would adore living there, it would be a dream come true. So he is always showing me plots of land and telling me what a good investment it would be. I know it would, really know.
But all the money spent on IF has made this impossible.
Just last year between Omaha, alternative treatments, my hospital stay and 2 D&C have streched our finances to the limit. We saved next to nothing and had to go into emergency funds the last 3 months due to the miscarriages even with great insurance. And we are still childless.
So there I was, staying in this amazing neighborhood in their house and the discussion all the time was my brothers house (my BIL is the architect and my father is supervising the work). Every breakfast, lunch and dinner the discussion was this since all involved where there.
How can I explain to him that we have invested every last dime on this dream of building a family and yet we have nothing to show for it?
That even with all the offers of help by my BIL doing the project for free and my father supervising its impossible for us?
I have tried, but he does not understand the amount of money we have needed to use to fix our broken bodies in the last 3 years. And I cannot tell him. It would break his heart.
That some months my medicines are over 600 USD worth and some months even more plus doctors and blood work and very little is covered by insurance.
So I had to sit in silence listening to my family discuss day in and day out the amazing investment my brother had done and have my father look sadly at me wishing for me to have this opportunity. And it broke my heart.
Then my mother... Where to start?
I will just say that she has urged me many times during these days to go back again to PPVI and have an in depth revision by DR. H. Have as many tests as needed so they can sort out what is going on with me. Fly to Omaha and stay there as long as needed.
How can I tell her that I do not have the strenght to again go to another country to find answers? That I can barely move in the mornings from grief? That I cannot face another blood draw or another U/S? That I have lost hope?
And today she told me she understood exactly what I was going through.
I told her I did not think anybody in my family could understand and she begins by telling me that she had suffered a lot while my grandmother was three months in the ICU. I just looked at her and burst out crying.
All our family had suffered a lot during this horrible time where my beloved grandmother was dying, but going back to this time does not make our pain less.
How can my mom who got pregnant every time she wanted truly understand?
She who has never ever been in the hospital other than for the births of her 3 children, how can she understand how I felt when I needed to be in the hospital 4 times just during 2010?
And 3 were from miscarriages or its complications in 3 months?
How you are on a roller coaster of feelings each and every month and that now not only I am afraid of never being able to get pregnant again, but also that I am afraid of being pregnant again?
That I am afraid of both possibilities at the very same time.
Then she told me I should stop charting since she thought I was getting very anxious about what I was seeing in my charts which are a complete mess. Throw my charting away for a few months.
How can I explain to her that not only where they used to detect problems in my cycles, but that I also need them so I prevent another pregnancy since both PPVI and my local doctor have strickly prohibited me getting pregnant in the next months? She never used NFP so she does not understand why we need to continue charting.
And then my sister.
The one that is a psychologist with 2 beautiful children telling me that this is life and I need to get over it. She had 2 miscarriages between her 2 children so she tells me she understands all that I am going through.
But.... she already had a child when she had those 2 miscarriages and she was much younger, in her 20´s with plenty of time to sort things out and I am pretty sure she would have gone the IVF route. Here I am almost 40 childless choosing a route she will never ever understand.
I know miscarriages are never easy, but how can she understand the path my DH and I have taken when she supports her friends using IVF and uses contraception?
She does not understand why my DH and I have taken this route. A far more complicated one involving long distance care and not being insured when there are great RE´s here, 15 minutes from my house used successfully by her friends.
And this crazy route chosen by her sister is also a route that has not worked in preventing her miscarriages.
So in her eyes we have been crazy for following it. And I can feel it in her words and worry for me and by her mentioning the successes of her friends with IVF.
And then on top of it all....
My brother and his wife...
We live in the same 3 appartment building (which I found 4 years ago and conviced them to buy an appartment in as well as my brother´s best friend) and they will be moving out soon.
So they have started saying how they cannot wait to move out of our very cold appartments (very true) into their amazing new house. How their quality of life will improve 10 times by moving out of the city and how they cannot wait to leave their appartment behind.
And yet we will still live here for the next years for sure.
What does this mean? That we live in a horrible place? I know they do not mean this, yet.... their comments hurt. A lot.
I always loved our appartment and thought it was a great investment, but hearing day in and day out this makes my heart so very sad.
Appart from them discussing all the time their new house and the ample room they will have for children my SIL just quit her job to become a full time house wife and so she could focus on having children.
They have been trying for a few months and she thought the stress was preventing her from getting pregnant so she quit.
Something I wish I could do. So very, very much. But cannot.
That I did not thave to combine this search for family and my work worries. A high stress job which I do not like anymore.
And then the cherry on the cake.
My brother told me he did not understand how I could not put a brave face over Christmas? Get over everything that had happened since all of them had worries.
Looked at me with stern eyes when had tears in my eyes that I kept hiding? Moving his head in disapproval.
Asked me how I could worry my parents so much?
This from the same brother who told me ayear ago when I told him I was considering adoption that he could never ever do it and to consider all the dangers of it.
In the place where I am most loved I could not find any consolation or true understanding during the hardest weeks of my life and it breaks my heart.
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