Friday, January 28, 2011

What should I say, think or do when facing this?

I just came back from a work trip that took me away from my worries and day to day at least for a few days.

I was able to forget at least in part what has happened in the last months and be a normal working woman worried about events, marketing, etc.

Still an IF woman cannot forget 100% her condition since I ended up bringing tons of my Napro medicines (the compounded ones) and the ones that I cannot buy here. My suitcase looked like a pharmacy and I am not very happy that even when traveling I cannot forget completly.

Still as I return to normal I know my heart is heavy most of the time although most people would not know it. Today it struck me that most of my IF friends have moved on. They all have adopted or are pregnant. And it kind of makes me feel even more alone.

Yet this is not the hard part.

The hard part is this which I have never written about here. Several very close pregnancies to me at my office and the ones that I just found out about in the last days.

I can truly say that I find and each one of them a blessing, a sign that God still belives in the human race, yet.... my heart breaks with them.

The most difficult one so far: At work my counterpart´s wife is expecting a baby for the exact same due date as I would give birth to Miguel.

The exact same date.

April 8th.

I work every single day with him since he does the content and I do the marketing and communications channels of his work. We are in exactly the same position and work day and day out together. His wife goes to the office at least once a week. I try to hide and not see her. Its too hard see this very painful reminder of where I should be had I not lost Miguel.

They have already two boys and had some issues this last time (the previous ones she got pregnant on the very first try) I know there was some help needed and she recommended to me extensively her doctor.

She has even brought me his card several times. I refused even to see him since he does IVF for some of his patients, yet did not tell her the true reason. That I cannot in my heart go to a doctor famous for IVF, even if I would never do it.

I am not sure this was involved with them, but I know there was more than medicines involved. They still tell me to go to him since he is an amazing doctor. And I see the results in her growing belly. Yet I know deep down in me that I cannot even consult with him as I do not trust a man that does what he does.

Yet, its so very hard to see her belly growing and to know that this baby will be born exactly on the weeks Miguel should have been born.

Talk has turned to this baby every single day and I cannot forget that I would have been known my baby by April 8th. I do not know how I will manage when this baby comes to the office. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

The other one is that one of my managers (I have an all woman´s team, very unusual in my industry and 3 women managers, now all mothers) just informed me last week that she is almost 4 months pregnant. 4 months ago I had met with her in Brasil and she had informed me that she and her DH had just started trying. I am very supportive of family and my employees know this so they tell me things they normally do not tell a boss.

After getting married 3 years after me, living with her boyfriend for 2 years and using contraception during all this time, she was actually pregnant when we met back then and did not know it. She told me she did not even try, just stopped using the BCP and got pregnant a few days before we met. Trying would have put to much pressure on her so she just decided to go on with life as normal and wait. (exact words).

So now I am working with her to find a replacement during her maternity leave and I am giving her day´s off to go to the doctor and do all she needs. Since Brasil is 5 months of maternity leave I neeed to start proceedings very soon and fill out tons of papers that make it painfully clear that I might never fill them for myself.

Then in Dallas during a dinner a pregnant girl sat next to me the whole time. Her due date: First week of April . Her belly looked as mine should have been looking. I had to turn my eyes away from her amazingly beautiful belly.

And today a dear friend called me out of the blue after not hearing from her for several years. She married a few month before me. We lost contact when she just had found out about a second baby. Today she asks me if finally I have children, I say no and that I had a miscarriage in September followed by medical complications. She is very sorry.

I ask her how she is doing. She tells me she has just found about her 4th pregnancy.

They were not trying and actually she was instructed by her doctors not to get pregnant and was using Billings. She is a very Catholic woman and told me all life was very welcome and that she was amazingly blessed by her 3 children, yet I could hear the weariness in her voice about this 4th pregnancy. 4 pregnancies in 4 years with a very unstable work situation by her husband. Actually a terrible one.

She does not complain, but its clear its a cross for her right now.

So what do I say to all this people? What should my face say when I see or talk to at least some of them day and and day out?

That I am happy for them (which I am actually are, specially for my employee and for my dear friend), but that their bellies (or their wifes bellies ) remind me of so much that I have lost in the last years? Of the pain of this horrible IF cross?

I do not want to hide from them, not to be happy, yet... its so very hard.


  1. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I don't have many words of comfort, other than I understand and am standing with you and praying. All of those other pregnancies are hard to accept. I know I find myself playing the "it's not fair" card with God when I am in similar situations. It is so hard to see countless people (not all following morally upright lives) blessed with pregnancy after pregnancy when we live our lives in a God-pleasing way and are still childless.

    I have been in your shoes. Last year I had a co-worker that was due just 2 days from my due date with our first, and it was terrible to watch her progress through the entire pregnancy while thinking "that would have been me." I battled evil, jealous thoughts the whole time (6-7 months). I can't say I was very Christian and loving towards her. In fact, I just avoided her in the office. I still think about it though. I'm praying you are able to handle it in a much more God-pleasing way than I did.

  2. I have been thinking about what to say to you and I think one thing to keep in mind is that as you come to April 8th it will cause you to suffer. My SIL was due at the same time I would have been with my 2nd m/c. It is still hard for me to be around her little boy because he would be the same age as my own. Thankfully, we don't see them much.
    I don't think you have to say anything. I mean you should say congratulations. But I don't think you have to say more than that. A good friend of mine who is now in her 50's and was never able to have children used to avoid all occasions of too much baby & pregnancy stuff during her IF struggle. She did not go to baby showers but sent a nice gift and card. She couldn't handle it. I think that it is ok- you have to know yourself. I do a lot of the happy face in front of people who are expecting (because I AM happy) but then crying when I am by myself.
    After my first m/c I went to a baptism for a nephew on my dh's side 10 days afterwards. Big mistake! I thought I would be ok but I wasn't.
    It's ok to hold back a bit if you need to. You need to preserve your peace and not be too hard on yourself.
    It's so hard when you are constantly reminded but I think it gets a little easier when you pass what would have been your due date.
    Sorry this is so long! Praying for you!

  3. thank you both! I think I am very hormonal today! I have been crying most of the day.

    But you are both right. I think its normal (not precisely good, but normal) what I am feeling, but I need to both offer it to God and take care of my heart.

    I will go this weekend to a marriage retreat with my DH and for sure meditate on all of this and ask God for help.

    thanks again!

  4. Oh, you are such a loving, beautiful soul. I am praying for you as you struggle. HUGS!!

  5. My prayers are with you. I used to pray after losing my son Thomas, "Please God let me be happy for other people and let their pregnancies not affect my peace of heart." But it was all just so difficult and I mostly failed, and I had other children to comfort me, unlike you. You have so much courage to continue and hide your sorrow from your friends and colleagues. But we can be very hard on ourselves when really we need looking after and we need to be honest about our feelings. I try not to advise other people but some advice has just slipped out. Sorry!

    My sister's baby was due on Thomas' first birthday. It worried me so much that Thomas' birthday might not be his alone but could be remembered as the birthday of his cousin. I did not want to share! In the end I got so stressed out about this, I had to say to God, "I cannot worry about this anymore. If You allow it You will have to help me through it." My sister's baby was two weeks overdue. She had her healthy baby and I had Thomas' birthday to myself. God is good! And He does understand, I am so sure.

    I must thank you for your comment on my story at the Apostolate of Hannah's Tears. You have really added to my understanding of a situation I thought I already appreciated.

    May God bless you.

  6. I'm new to your blog and just spent the last hour getting caught up on your history. I know exactly how you feel- everyone is getting pregnant but you, so many reminders about it no matter where you go... My heart goes out to you. Prayers for you and your DH.

  7. 8 de abril, lo siento mucho mi amiga querida. Es tan dificil por ti, me siento todo contigo. Especialmente el parte de muchas mujeres que estan embarazadas. Me siento la pena y alegria contigo. Es un situacion tan duro....Estas contenta por ellas, pero tu corazon es rotado tambien.

    Oraciones por ti y abrazos siempre :)

  8. I know, it's everywhere, isn't it? I don't have advice, I'm afraid, because I'm not very good at handling it myself. The girl who sits next to me at work is having a baby any day now and people come by all day long and talk to her about it...if she's ready, how big she's gotten, how she feels, etc. 40 hours a week.

    It's tough. I can't take it away...from you, me, or any of us, but I can pray, and so I will. :)

  9. I am sorry- It is easy to go into "its not fair mode". Sending prayers your way and I hope your retreat was peaceful and soothing!!

  10. I'm hoping that the retreat was very healing for you and your dh. I swear, when it rains, it pours. It seems as if it is more in our face than ever, now that we are struggling with IF. I hate this for you and for all of us. I"m so sorry for your sadness. I lift you up in prayers daily when I pray for my IF blog girls. God is listening...I will pray for your patience. Hugs friend

  11. it IS hard. your situation sounds ripe for extra emotions, so please know that you are in our prayers. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage, let along dealing with another pregnancy in the same time frame. I wish I could give you a hug.

    In the meantime, I hope you're enjoying the retreat and I'm sad we missed it! Lord knows we could use it right now too.