I have continued attending therapy and yesterday it was truly amazing.
Therapy that I truly needed after all the drama of my hospital stays in 2010.
My therapist is an amazing woman, full of peace and wisdom. She is Catholic and with me she can be open about the existence of God and His plans in our lives, which she says she cannot with most people.
Yesterday I spoke to her about my anxiety and that I was feeling overwhelmed about all that was happening at the same time. That I did not see how I could be a good mother in all of this mess, how I was trying to manage many balls at the same time and that I did not like not knowing how everything would turn out.
Last week we had discussed about my very, very high standards in everything and how this was not fair to me, nor my body. That this continued quest for excellence was more damaging to me and my body, than anything.
Also I was seeing IF as a complete failure on my side and was trying to compensate by doing many other things.
All week I have been thinking about it and then came the comments in my last post, specially the one by Little JoAnn. Hers was that I should focus on my maternity first.
It really shook me to the core and I am very grateful for her words.
So in this session I start by saying that I am overwhelmed and that a very wise woman had told me to concentrate on motherhood mostly.
Then she said: What are the repercusions of doing so many things and all that has been happening in your body? Your body is wise beyond anything that we can think. It will tell you the truth, while your mind many times will not. What is your body telling you?
And I begin by saying I am not sleeping, my mind is all over the place, etc. I am still grieving the loss of Miguel and what I thought was another miscarriage.
My body is saying things are not well.
Then she says: You have been accustomed that hard work equals results. First as a good daughter, then in school, then in your jobs. But with Nature and Life you cannot control things. The only thing that you can do is your best, truly enjoy the moment and do everything with love, for yourself and others.
Then she told me:
You can say no to your exam Saturday. This is putting a lot of pressure on you and this is on top of your adoption process, full time work, IF process, etc. Anybody would understand that you simply cannot with everything at the sametime.
You should ask yourself what is the most loving thing to do to yourself. Do it or not?
I was completly silent for a while. Had not thought about saying no, putting it off a few more months. I felt it was my duty to do this to the end even if I was struggling with other things right now. I would have to spend several sleepless nights and cramm like crazy.
Then I said that I would like to get it over with. That I need to feel that at least something has been finished. I would need to study a lot of hours and remember tons of things, but that it would give me peace.
She said: Well if this is the most loving thing that you can do for yourself, then do it in the most loving way possible.
Always ask yourself: What is the most loving thing to do, both for others but also for myself. Listen to your body since it will speak the truth and whatever path your decide do it in the most loving way possible.
After this she asked me to think about doing this lovingly.
How? I had thought about all of this as sacrifice, as my duty.
But then I remembered whenever I was overwhelmed that music, walking breaks, a nice cup of tea could do wonders whenever I was faced with huge tasks.
So with her we designed the next to days when I had to cramm for my exam.
Mozart, green tea, breaks in the sun, prayer for help with my studies, etc.
Doing what I had to do in the most loving way possible. Listening to my body and embracing life lovingly.
I have since felt such peace that I truly have felt that this encounter with her was filled with God
- ► 2012 (64)
- ▼ February (6)