Not sleeping, worrying

I have not been sleeping well since last week.

Millon thoughts and feelings are keeping me up at night. And its not good since I need to be at my peak the next 2 weeks.

I know this post will be allover the place, I have tried to keep it simple, but my thoughts are being guided by fear.

The next weeks I feel will define our future.

I am not sure how exactly all will play out.

My controlling self (and my German side) do not like uncertainty and uncertainty is what I am living right now.

Today we have the second most important interview in our adoption process, now with an adoptive family. Not a defining one, but one where we will be asked some difficult questions. I am not looking forward to it.

Then this Saturday I will be doing my 6 hour final exam to become a practioner of the CrMS.

And then in a few days we will start the 10 hour psychological evaluation for our adoption.

The CrMS exam is the one that bishops, my priests, donors, clients, etc are waiting for so we can open a FertilyCare center, the first one in Latinamerica. The one that will define if I am able to do it.

I feel an inmense pressure and do not feel prepared at all. Fear is creeping in.

I have dozens of emails and calls asking when? The pressure and the need is inmense and I have a hard time letting go of fear.

In the end it will be in God´s time, but its hard for this Martha not to worry.

Maybe its the Bad guy tempting me.....well not maybe.... I am sure he is puting this huge fear in my heart. Its such a good thing, yet all I am feeling is fear.

My studies have been interrupted so many times by crisis, its really incredible that the exam will be in a few days.

Then 6 days later we have the 5 hour psychological exam for our adoption. 1st part of the 10 hour exam. The thoughest step in our adoption process. A very, very though exam.

This in the middle of one of the worst weeks ever for my job. I am swamped with requests by my office, at the same time studying for the exam and trying to be calm in our adoption process.

This exam is the one that can define if we are able to adopt and also when.

The one that one in 5 couples fail and are then sent to therapy. Most are able to adopt later, but still all say its a difficult experience and I feel very frail right now.

Most of the ones that fail its because they have not closed the biological process and also because they are still grieving from miscarriages.

We have both factors, so I am praying that this does not come out in the tests.

It has been a year and 3 months since I started the Fertility.Care program. To this day I still do not know how I ended up in Omaha. I can only say it was God (and some blogs and the catholic IF yahoo group).

Also it has also been 1 year and 2 months since we started the adoption proceedings in earnest mainly due to my age, since you cannot start the adoption proceedings after 39 if you want a baby and I turned 39 this year. We had to do it in the middle of our diagnosis by Napro, something that I wished that I did not have to do at exactly the same time. It has been too much, but we had no option.

During this year so many things have happened that I cannot even wrap my head around them.

My practitioner course has been interrupted dozens of times with crisis during one of the the most horrible year ever. I know that I know the stuff to pass the exam, yet I am fully aware that my body and mind have been somewhere else most of this year and I am playing catchup and having a hard time concentrating. And I hate it.

During this year I got a first diagnosis by Dr. H (adrenal fatigue, late luteal phase defect, hypothyroid, endo) and started most of the napro protocols long distance paving the uncharted waters of doing it from Me.xico trying to find medical equivalents, doctors willing to help and importing medicines via friends and family in small doses.

Then was told I needed to have another surgery uninsured in the US, decided to do it which took all of our courage and most of our savings.

In the meantime had a failed adoption, my DH ended up in the hospital 2 times unexpectedly, then we started the adoption process in earnest, my DH was (and has been) unable to get a good job during all of this year (this has been a major crisis in our marriage that I have not posted about here, but it has been perhaps after the miscarriage the second biggest trial ever).

Then got pregnant, miscarried, had a D&C, ended up in the hospital with severe complications including contractions, then two months later one day started bleeding like I was going to die, then was told I had miscarried again, had another D&C, one month later was told it was a polyp.

wow...

And right now that I am studying I am noticing how tired I am.

Tired of cramming all of this with a normal 9 to 5 job. My full time IF job, my practitioner program, our adoption process.....

So the last nights I have been not sleeping thinking about the exams in the coming weeks, worrying about them and also trying to pray that all turns out OK.

During the last year nothing has turned out as planned... Nothing.

So I am having a hard time trusting that things will turn out OK. Crazy I know.

But its how I am feeling right now.