I have been thinking a lot lately where my life is right now and I do not like it a bit.
No aspect of it seems to be working and I absolutely hate it. My whole life right now is mediocre to say the least. I call it blahh. Not terrible, but also not OK.
I am not praying as I should, going everyday to my job is a huge burden, I feel very alone as we have less and less in common with our friends and I feel as my body is 80 years old, yet I do not have the energy to begin to change things.
Its like this big cicle that goes on and one and I do not have the strenght to step out of it or change it.
My closest IF friends here in Mexico ALL have adopted in the last months. Just this Saturday was the last announcement. The third adoption completed by some very close friends. All of them were our companions on our journey and have helped us tremendously in the last years.
We are very happy for them, yet we are now the last ones of the IF friends that do not have children.
From our close friends that had IF one couple has finished the second adoption, the one I mentioned the 3rd and our closest friends adopted a month and a half ago.
All our friends that were our constant companions in the IF journey are now discussing diapers or nursery decorations. My FB is filled with adoption announcement and its very hard.
All have been very careful with us as not to hurt us and I truly appreciate this, yet I am realistic that they are at another point in their lifes and that things will not be like before.
And let´s not talk about our friends with normal fertility. All are in the second or 3rd child and some of these children are even 12 years old! Every day we have less and less in common with all of our friends and I feel that they do not understand where we are and its difficult to relate.
Basically we are hanging out with couples 10 years younger than us since they are the ones that are still inviting us. My DH is 43 and I am 39 so soon it will be empty nests for people our age. Just writing this makes me want to cry.
For the first time in this journey I feel utterly alone.
This cycle I am restarting my Napro treatments and the adoption proceedings are still underway, yet I feel so tired and that all if worth for nothing. Maybe irrational, but the last weeks is what I feel.
I feel like I have no strenght to fight anymore and I am expecting that God throws me another curveball.
From the previous paragraph you can clearly read that my prayer life is at a standstill. I have been praying very little since my miscarriage and the last months of IF also have not helped.
I know what I need to do, but I am lacking the strenght. I am still at the point where I mistrust God´s plans for us. I am afraid what else He will ask of us.
My job.... lets say that it will sound like I am whining and I am a spoiled child, yet I am very unhappy in it.
I have what most people would call a great one, but my heart is heavy when I think about it.
I have tons of flexibility, a good salary (not as good as a new person hired for my postion would have, still its good), security and an international position.
I have been at the same company for 11.5 years now. For the longest time I was so happy!! Due to the nature of the company I work for (an European company) I was blessed to travel to many different countries and I was also able to reach many professional goals, quite uncommon for women here. I loved every day of it.
Then a few months after I married I decided that I needed to slow down for my marriage and to prepare for motherhood. I do not repent from this decision, yet here I am 3 years later unhappy in my job and yet not a mother. Its as life had a good laugh at me.
I moved to the side that sells to business, not to the end consumer. Lifecycles are very long, the work is very technical and I have limited contact with people.
I knew right from the beginning that it would be very different from all that I had done, yet I knew the sacrifice would be worth it. I would be able to work from home and take care of a baby.
Every day it takes more of my energy to go to the office, every Monday is difficult and here I am 3 years later, hating my job and not being a mother.
Also I cannot simply leave my job now also since my DH´s one is a bad one. He was laid off several months after our marriage (we were in the middle of our appartment renovations and his mother had just died) and has had a new job for the last 2 years, yet its a dead end one. One that he took while he found another, one that does not exist right now.
I have wanted to build a way out, but my IF has taken all my time and energy. Yet I know I cannot continue like this anymore, it sucking all my energy day in and day out.
And this guides me to the last part.
I have not talked in this blog a lot about it, but I have been fighting with fatigue and health related issues for years.
The diagnosis of adrenal fatigue and that I am hypothyroid done by DR H was a miracle in my life. I was not crazy!
The mental fog, the exhaustion after a normal day, the fatigue after doing some excercise, the inability to wake up all had medical reasons.
Since January and until right before my pregnancy I was for the first time in years feeling OK. I had energy!!! It was the most amazing feeling!
Then came my pregnancy and I was exhausted. So exhausted that I felt I could not function. I was scared. How could I manage a pregnancy and then a baby? Maybe I was not built for motherhood after all.
After the miscarriage I have again extreme fatigue. I know in my bones that something is off again and I will retest my thyroid in the coming weeks, yet I hate having this body of a 80 year old when I am only 39.
I continue to be on hydrocort for the fatigue and on T3, yet it feels that this time they are not helping as they should.
I want to fight, yet all seems like this big mountain right now and I do not have the energy again to do it.
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