God what are you asking of me right now? (updated 5 minutes later)

For the last 3 years I have so focused on fixing or surviving one thing or the other that I have lost myself in the process.

Lost myself. Wow.

That is exactly correct and as I wrote it it became so very clear.

But most importantly lost Faith.

My general focus as a very Martha person has been to fix things so I could feel some sort of control in my life, which has at least given me some sense of security in all of this mess. But it has not worked on a deep emotional and spiritual level.

I can see this clearly reflected in my last 2 posts, which came from a frustration and anger that it is there deep down in places in my heart that I have avoided seeing. And I hate it.

I do not want to live my life as a person that is angry, sad, the eldest sister.

I am not called by God to that.

I am called to love, to accept, to grow, to live life to the fullest. Yet from a human perspective I do not understand the last 3 years. So I need to see it from His perspective. He must want something from all of this.

What is He asking of me right now?

What is He telling me in all that has happened in the last three years?

Wanting a baby so badly it broke my heart
2 emergency stays in the hospital by my DH. One of them major.
1 by me for major bleeding and contractions after my miscarriage
2 operation for my DH
3 operations for me
1 violent mugging to my parents
A failed adoption
The death of my grandfather
The death and its aftermaths of my mother in law
The job loss of my DH and his lack of clarity professionally at this time
The emergency hospitalization with diabetes by my FIL
Living with my inlaws for 8 months in some of the worst emotional conditions imaginable
My horrible thyroid that has brought me to my knees in terms of tiredness
etc...

and last: my miscarriage after 3 years of IF.

As I am writing this I am crying. What do You want? All of this has not brought me closer to You. But into an angry, jealous and sad person. And I hate it and I am sure these are not the plans You have for me.

I am on my knees. I am no longer mad tonight as I was yesterday, I just need Your help please.

Please give me a sign. Please. I really cannot fight anymore.


UPDATE:

5 minutes after I closed this post and I was crying in the middle of a hotel lobby in Brasil my DH called....

He has been offered a great job just today and was called for a couple of interviews. He has not sounded so happy in months.

My God!