Whirlwind of emotions

My last 4 months have been a whirlwind of emotions and of things I did not expect to live.

I thought I had clear signals from God on which direction to take, but the only thing for sure that I know right now is that my heart is desperate to have a child to love and hold and I do not have one.

Four months ago I started a very serious attempt at getting myself healthy. I started excercising, did the endo diet very, very strictly, did NaPro perfectly and used alternative therapies such as accupuncture. I felt great and I thought that either for a biological or adoptive child this was very good. I finally had given up the result and somehow knew that we would be parents.

In the midst of everything we got the call.

The call in our case meant the Catholic adoption agency that we had chosen had accepted us as viable for adoption, one year before we expected. I was so happy!

NOTE:
Here things are very different than in the USA.

Adoption is free (in private agencies you only pay some minimal agency fees and an adoption course, all no more than 2 thousand USD) and in the case of the goverment nothing. BUT you need to be accepted and at any time they can deny you.

Well, out of hundreds of couples we had been accepted for some reason and now had to start the heartstopping time of tests and interviews, but this was an enourmous first step. We were told by friends that basically if we passed the tests and interviews in the coming months we were guaranteed a child in a year or less. Wow!!! we most possibly were going to be parents

Then.....

I got pregnant

I was shocked and afraid. Afraid of a miscarriage and of the dangers of a pregnancy at 39. Still so thankful. I had almost given up I would live to experience this.

We did not cancel the adoption process, since we knew there was the possibility of miscarriage. With this agency and most you cannot adopt if you are pregnant or have a biological child unless a certain time has passed, so we decided not to say anything.

I was very afraid and I was taking the precaution of not cancelling the adoption process, but I was sure that God that had asked to go through the cross of IF for 3 horrible years would not ask more of us.

I was wrong.

I miscarried a few weeks later, at 9 weeks and had serious complications which landed me in the hospital for 4 horrible days.

In the weeks afterwards I decided to concentrate in my mourning, started to blog and recuperate

And here I am one month later Friday and what happens?

We receive the call for the most crucial interview of all to adopt. For next Monday. With the director of the agency. She can decide that we are suitable or not. We learn from the same friends that since abortion has just become legal in some states in Mexico in the last months the number of pregnant women coming in had diminished and that now the process was even tougher. That this interview could be more crucial than ever.

Since we closed other adoption venues in months past, this is our only avenue for now. And I am 39, almost at the cutoff age for babies.

I am terrified.

This woman has a whole team of experts backing her up, but she will make the final decision. She is very tough and will for sure ask us if we have closed the biological search for a child, if we have mourned our miscarriage and other such difficult questions. A lot of people end up crying. She is a good person, but so very tough.

She is known to be so tough that a couple of friends that have adopted there have invited us to dinner to coach us... and last night confirmed to us that they had become stricter.

But this is not all...

Just days ago I am sent by PPVI for some medical testing for blood clotting issues (might have played a factor in my IF and miscarriage. the hematologist has booked me for them..... next week.

And my doctor tells me to start again TTC...... also next week since my cycles have stabilized. He believes that my hormones had reached a point of health and that we have the greatest chance in the coming cycles.

And so today I am overwhelmed with emotions. Excited, tentatively hopeful and fearful and most of all tired with my search for a family.

What does God want from us? what is our direction? can we manage both the biological and adoptive path at the same time?

Non of the peace I felt 4 months ago is right now with me. Even with so many things going on at once the possibility of having a baby or adopting seems to be to me futher than ever away.