He permitted me to see several things that I had not been able due to my own pain. He opened my eyes and I really thing all of this has to do with the Annunciation. So many things at once it must be Her.
It all started during Friday when I decided to put some type of order in my life.
I have a terrible time with physical order. I tend to leave things where they do not belong, I keep too many papers, start too many books and do not finish them etc,
If I am under stress or not doing well emotionally things get even worse than normal.
Well, things had realy gotten out of hand since our miscarriage and one of the things that I had put off was putting order into my medical files and many other papers. Mountains of them.
So I started full of strenght willing to tackle all of this.
What I did not consider is what I would need to face again and that perhaps I was not ready even after all this time.
After a few hours of filing I found all the paper work from my miscarriage and subsecuent health issues. Papers that I had forgotten and not dared to look at for many months.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
All week I had been on shakey grond emotionally and this was the last drop to really bring me down.
The paper work from the U/S stated: that it had been a RETAINED DEAD EGG.
This is how the lab had called my baby, Miguel, this little baby that died at 6 or 7 weeks gestation and whose pregnancy continued until week 9th and that had a soul.
And they called it an egg. How dare they. My eyes filled with tears for hours.
Waves of grief like it just had happened.
It really broke my heart.
And then I also found more paper work. Of the 4 days I had spent in the hospital a week after my D&C having contractions knowing full well that there was no baby.
And then the other test that in December said that most probably I had miscarried again. Tons and tons of paperwork.
So it was a very, very hard weekend, but I needed to face all of this again to bring some sort of closure. One year ago I was pregnant and did not know I was about to suffer the worst 4 months of my life. My own calvary.
We had conquered IF at 39, what could really be worse than IF?
Well here I had all the proofs that it had not been a nightmare.
All of this and other things that I have been struggling with including prayer and order really put me down all weekend and have been eating away at my heart since December. And I could not shake the feeling.
Still God helped me to see many other things which I had been blind to in my pain in the last months.
Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of our engagement. I had not been really aware of the date , yet God permited me to find all of this papers in the same weekend as our engagement. Not planned at all by me.
My DH had given me the engagement ring on the eve of the Annunciation during Adoration. He chose this date as all the dates having to do with us with a Marian feast. Even our adoption permission was granted on a Marian day: the day of the Visitation.
In the church that we go to the monks and nuns there have a very special way to celebrate this day and they start with a night of Adoration and singing. Just beautiful.
During this night my DH asked me to marry him. In the most beautiful setting imaginable, a church we loved, the Blessed Sacrament, music, candle light and many beloved friends praying around us.
After he gave me the ring we walked silently to the back of the church to ask the blessing from one of our monk friends who later married us. We also sneaked to the front to tell one of the nuns there, mother superior and a dear friend to pray for our marriage during this night. We were showered with prayer that same night.
Sometimes the pain is so great that you lose sight of what you have.
For example my DH , who has been such a blessing throught all of this. The most amazing man ever.
He has been asking Mary to keep over us during all of this. He has been the strong one in prayer, the silent strong one, when I have not been able to go on.
I am sure his amazing faith in Mary has a lot to do with our marriage surviving.
And Mary has been with us since the very beginning 5 years ago. I had forgotten it.
Still yesterday I did not want to go to Mass since I was struggling with being mad at God. I put up all sort of excuses when DH said:
God really wants us to go to Mass today even when its hardest and we both are suffering.
So we went to mass in a new church (due to my excuses we were late to most masses) and after mass I see a man who I had seen at my normal parish. He was at mass and letar outside selling washing cloths and then I remebered that I had been introduced to him by the monks at my church.
One of the monks had asked me to help this man out by buying from him: This man had a wife who was bedridden from diabetes and they were barely surviving. He was over 70 and subsisted from selling the washing cloths. The monks gave him food each month and permited him to sell his washing cloths outside of Mass. A very, very sad story.
Well right after Mass where I was struggling with my feelings of anger I see this man and all the memories of what I had been told by the monk came back.
Here I was angry at God and this man struggled each day even to eat and have medicines. It was such a sign for me that I have no words,.
He then approached DH and I and asked us to buy from him a couple of cloths. He told us he did not have money to pay for the light and water in his house. He then showed me that he had a bag and a tube attached to him full of his urine. So not only his wife was sick, but he had to beg for both of them. He was also very sick. My heart broke.
I felt so ashamed of being angry at God and of feeling sorry for myself.
I had an amazing man for a husband, full of prayer, we both were healthy, we had access to medical care, food on the table, money to buy the basics and much more.
We purchased several cloths from this man and gave him some more money and his eyes could not believe it. I felt so utterly happy to have been able to help him at least with something.
I had forgotten in these days of darkness to focus on others, I could only focus on my pain.
Then today, day of the Annunciation, we get a call from our agency and the visit from a dear friend. Both also God sent.
The call was from the agency head herself. The woman that had changed adoption laws in MExico. The one that would choose our baby and also would call us to tell us that we were parents.
Well she called DH on his cell phone. DH goes white as as sheet of paper. He asks me to turn down the music. We think its THE CALL. I start trembling. I almost scream from excitment.
I tell him with my lips its the day of the Annunciation! Maybe its THE day.
She asks him if we are back from vacation. He says yes. He is smiling, I see almost tears in his eyes. He looks so excited!!!
After what seems forever, she tells him she is actually calling to find out if he and I would accept to become part of the advisory committee of our agency.
What?? no baby? more waiting again!
us advisors? wow!
This would be a graat honor since they choose these persons very, very carefully and we can give back to all this agency has done for us.
My heart calms down and I breath again. I feel a tremandous sense of peace that all will be well with our adoption, its just not our time.
But the gift is not this one really.
I get a glimpse of our future happiness in DH eyes, his absolute joy at what he thought would be the call to announce that we were parents. This is such a gift in itself. To see that he would absolutely be the happiest man alive as an adoptive father.
His joy was exactly the same as when I told him I was pregnant. Exactly the same.
I feel such peace. Maybe we will not be biological parents here on earth, but we will be adoptive ones in a few weeks or months and the joy will be the same. I just had a glimpse today. Such a gift.
Later today we receive the visit from a very dear friend. We discuss our adoption process . He has just gotten married again after a very difficult divorce and annulment process. He has a child that he has not seen for over 10 years.
He has been always very silent about their family plans, yet is asking a lot of questions about ours. Finally I ask him what their plans are.
His answer pierces my heart.
They cannot have children. We had no idea and we are best of friends.
And he tells us the reason. After his divorce he did not want to be separated again from a child and he decides on a vasectomy on an whim. One that is irreversible. He has since repented many times.
DH and I cannot believe it. He says:
Its so ironic, here I could have children and chose not to by a mistake and here you both want children so badly and cannot. He says he has confessed since and his wife has accepted this.
I again feel such peace. We have nothing to regret. We have done all according to our conciences, according to God. In our case it has not been a decision by us, or we have done something to hurt somebody else.
Our friend tells us:
This is the greatest gift, you both have nothing to regret.
This day of the Annunciation I was able to see what I have not in many, many months: Our future joy as adoptive parents, the amazing gift my DH is, how blessed we really are even if we do not have children with us and that thankfully we have nothing to regret in our journey to become parents since we have done all according to His Will.
Many gifts from Mary on this day