Friday, March 2, 2012

I hate IF with all my might

Just as a few months ago I had the opportunity to see the other side of  adoption helping a 16 year old girl in a crisis pregnancy,  now after suffering 5 years of If I get to see  a very loved family member suffer it in silence.

It is like a mirror of my own pain.

And not really knowing how to help, how to be there.  Feeling so useless.

Today I hate IF more than ever.     A person that I love very much I going through it and suffering in silence the complete lack of understanding by family, friends and society.

My heart breaks for them in a  million pieces.

I have had many clients facing IF, some have gotten pregnant, some have a diagnosis, some continue charting  and others have left CrMS for other systems and in a couple of cases I suspect even I.VF.

I have been able to handle most of this with peace, yet today my heart is broken for this couple  knowing full well what they are facing.

The person that called me today to ask for help is  a very close and loved family member.  I grew up with him.

He is an amazing man., a practicing Catholic, very succesful, hard driven, extremely private, loves children  and devoted to his wife and parents.  One of a kind.

He married an amazing woman 5 years ago, a few days before I got married.  They both met at their MBA program and she decided to stay in Mexico city, very far away from her family to be with him,  My family in a sense has become her family.

They  got married and decided to wait one year  to start a family using Billings.   Then she was diagnosed with a  disease  where she had to take medicines for one year and not get pregnant in order not to put the  baby in danger.   It was an extremely hard situation for both since they had wanted to start a family almost at the very same time  she was diagnosed.  They took it in stride and decided to start building everything for their future children .

They designed and built a beautiful house.  Saved so she could stay at home when the time came and then she quit her job to concentrate on family.

During this time they saw from afar  me and my DH suffering.  I cried in front of him several times and he did not know how to console me, but was there for me.

After this year  of waiting due to medical reasons  they started trying for a family  and after another year suspecting that they were facing issues conceiving I gave them my books on CrMS and the  Na.protechnology revolution.  I talked about several success cases, etc, but did not want to put pressure on them. .

What makes it very hard to believe what I say about Napro is that  I am seen by everybody as an unsuccesful patient of it.

I do not have a biological child  on earth so my recommendation of the system comes without proof  and the system is unknown here.   There are just a handful of children born from it  here  and there are no blogs  nor Catholic If community.    Sometimes I feel like I am talking about a fantasy and that people look at this crazy unfertile woman talk  about something that clearly did not function for her.

Since they were not ready to pursue working with PPVI and I suspect they did not believe me about Napro they decided to go to the best Catholic Gynecologist here to whom I refered them to.   He, a very very good man and renowed doctor, did what most doctors do with the  difference that he does not do anything against Church teaching.  Told them to be patient, to relax and to start some  basic testing.  A cookie cutter approach that I also tried with him with no success.

I cannot blame this doctor, he does as he was taught.

About a year and a half  later  she got pregnant, but sadly miscarried at 9 weeks and after this another year and a half no pregnancies.

During this time I had the opportunity to attend several  family events   and while my family has been extremely prudent, hers has not.

 One day her mother came to visit and said in front of everybody: " this is the last time that I come to visit you where you do not have children.  The next time I expect you to be at least pregnant"

How I did not hit that woman I do not know.   I am glad  her DH did not hear it.   My heart broke for her and I could see the hurt in her eyes

It is specially difficult since her sister has 6  children and always is talking about her ability to get pregnant on the very first try.   I cannot imagine surviving  of with a sister like that.

And time and time again I have heard them being asked:  when  are you having children?  why are you waiting?, the kind that makes an If sufferer cringe.

I had to remain silent while I saw all of this.  He is so private that the 2 or 3 times  I tried to  bring the subject up he changed it and I decided to let him  set the pace.

But today, completly out of the blue,  he called me while I was in the office and asked me for help .

He wanted the  name of any napro doctor here.  Being so private I know it must have taken him months of thinking this over to do it or something really bad must have happened.

He told me his wife was taking  all of this it OK and was positive (I am not so sure), but he was not, actually he was doing very badly,  and that the comments from friends and family  were getting to be extremely painful and that they were even getting pressured into IVF.(which I am sure they will never do) .

 He let me see the extent of his pain and this brought back a flood of  memories.

 I almost cried right there in the office.

I told him that they needed to start charting  and he answered:  we have charted for 5 years already!

 I could feel his desperation.

Then came the subject of who would teach them.  They would not like for me to teach them since we are family  and I completly understand, so again I need to look from afar and only accompany them through prayer.

 I can only refer to him 2 doctors in the whole country and only one in Mexico city, who will finish her studies this April   Both with almost no Napro experience.

 I  told him I would consult with the local doctor, but also with PPVI.   He  said they were not ready for the USA, but would consider it in the near future.

I truly pray these doctors can help them.

The road they face after 5 years of If and yearning for a family will not be an easy one, specially with almost no resouces  here.   I breaks my heart, yet I need to be strong for them ,

All afternoon I felt such sadness which I could not shake.  

Today I truly and absolutely hate IF with all my heart.


  1. Oh I understand. To see someone we love in such pain, pain that we know and felt and experienced ourselves. I totally understand. And her sister in law? I have five of those :) It will make her stronger. Praying for them, and you. Hopefully a miracle can happen for them soon!

  2. That is so sad. But thank God you have been there to encourage them and direct them. What a blessing! I will offer prayers for them to grow their family.

  3. What a heartbreaking story! I hope that they get the help that they need!

  4. I agree with SC. This couple is really fortunate to have you in their lives. You can just see God's hand in this. :)

    I sometimes feel awkward or embarrassed when telling someone about NaPro (and encouraging them to pursue it) because it hasn't worked for us yet. I guess it just keeps me realistic in my discussions because although many have success, it's not 100% and never will be, even though I desperately want it to work for everyone.

    I'm not sure what you mean by "I need to be strong for them." If a loved one of mine was brokenhearted over my infertility, I would be so touched if they told me that and even more so if they cried with me... It could just be my personality, though.

  5. I agree with SC and polkadot - this family is so blessed to have you in their lives.

    But I will agree with you very much on hating IF.

  6. what a familiar but heartbreaking story. Praying for them!

  7. Wow.

    The part of this post that particularly spoke to me was when you said that others look at you as an unsuccessful patient of NaPro, and here you are trying to advocate it and spread the good news.

    I feel exactly the same way. And it hurts so badly to additionally have people mistakenly believe that my husband and I are not open to adoption. Because, clearly, if we have not conceived in 6 years, and stopped treatment, we would be open to adopting, right? It literally makes my heart hurt, the assumptions.

    But just know that you are still being used by God as His tool for others. And also know (which I have to tell myself over and over some days) that you are a NaPro SUCCESS! Baby is not the end result of NaPro Technology. Strong family is. Child of God, well-formed in the faith is. Lover of human life is.

    You are all of those things. We are NaPro success stories :)

  8. I have to agree with TCIE here... NaPro success doesn't = biological child! This is hard for the world to understand as they want a product and want results. But strong faith, better overall health, healthy marriage, love for human life... these are successes. And if adoption is an option, that is a form of NaPro success too.

    I am still an intern and learning the ropes, but I try, even in the Intro session when I know folks with IF are present, to emphasize that people's journey's all look different, it's not 100 percent going to result in a baby etc.

  9. I agree with TCIE. I wouldn't consider you unsuccessful! In fact, before I ever conceived Baby Hebrews, I felt like Napro was a success for me because I was so healed...I first felt it was successful when I was watching the surgery videos in Dr. H's I could go from something so terrible, with so much wrong, to healthy and functioning and basically "normal." Even before my little babe, my quality of life had drastically, drastically improved. There is hardly any comparison to my life before and after Napro surgery. Afterwards, I was no longer a slave to my endo pain--I felt free finally.

    Their story is heartbreaking to me as well, and I will remember them in my prayers.