The last weeks I have been challenging, not really in a bad way, but more in an exhausting kind of way (not sure if its correct English, but my mind is not working correctly right now).
I really need to be patient in this adaptation process. A trip to Argentina (9 hour plane trip), learning a very challenging job, managing a teething baby, family requests for time, managing my home and back to TTC: all at the same time.
Everyday I read the blogs on my phone while getting ready for work, but I have a really hard time posting from the phone and I do not have a lot of privacy nor time in the office to do it as before. My days are packed trying to be the best mother, wife, worker, practitioner, daughter, etc I can. I know it will get better as I can start implementing more systems and also learn more about my job, but I cannot say it has been easy at all.
The company I work for is known for hiring very bright young people (Ivy league with great grades) and they are extremely fast, competitive and work very long hours. I am older (average age in my office must be around 30) and have other priorities (like leaving early to be with my son and theirs are advancing their careers) so I need to accomplish the same in much fewer hours. The mental challenge is huge.
I can clearly see that I can do a lot of good with my job right now, but also later, like help ONG´s get online and also help to communicate Napro via the many online options I am learning (everyday I get tons ideas on how to do it and look forward to the day when I can apply this).
My priest tells me often that we need more Catholics in these types of jobs and I agree, still its not easy. Whenever I get down I think about this.
I actually feel terrible for not commenting on the blogs as I did in the past (I actually comment each and every post I read on my mind and pray often about many of you), about not posting more often, for sometimes forgetting to buy certain things for the house, etc., but I also know that its a phase and that I cannot ask more of myself now. But a perfectionist is always a perfectionist.
My schedule is like this:
Wake up at 6 a.m . Dress, breakfast and say good day to Josemaria and DH. My DH dresses Josemaria and spends the next 2 hours with him playing, giving him breakfast , etc.
7:15 to 7:30 leave for work. My plan is to attend daily Mass as soon as I can. There are many churches near the office with very early masses. The blessing of a Catholic country.
Work extremely hard (with almost no breaks) from 8 to:
Mondays 3:30 leave early for momy and son class-
Tuesdays: leave at 4 to pick Josemaria up from father in law house where he spends lunch with cousins and aunts
Wednesday and Thursday: leave work 4:30/ 5.
Friday leave at 3 and spend all afernoon with him at home. The plan is Fridays to do home office.
When I arrive home I play with Josemaria for one hour or more., give him his bath and play with him for about 30 minutes (he loves to play in the tub). then give him dinner and then prepare him for bed reading to him and after he falls asleep at 7 to 7:30 I connect back to the computer to finish the things I was not able from the office , to give long distance CrMS sessions or answer client questions.
My DH arrives at 9 and we spend some time together and then I fall asleep exhasuted at 10 p.m
Weekends have been spent catching up with family and errands.
A few weeks ago I traveled a few days to Buenos Aires for work. The first time ever I would be away from Josemaria more than a few hours. My mom convinced me to accept the trip (my boss gave me the option of not traveling) and while it was very difficult I am now glad I did.
My parents live about 40 minutes from me and Josemaria is the only grandchild that lives nearby. My sister lives near Cancun and even if she comes to Mexico city often and many times stays weeks at a time with her children at their house its really no the same thing.
I grew up very, very close to my maternal grandparents, even though they lived in a city 6 hours away from mine. We spent all Christmases, Easters and Summer vacation with them in their house. Actually well into adulthood I looked forward to spending all my holidays with them. Nothing could equal this. I loved them profoundly and want Josemaria to have this also.
My parents offered to take care of Josemaria for those days (actually they almost pressured me to travel so they could spend this time with him!!!!!!!). My DH went to stay with them also and arrived each night from work so he could sleep with Josemaria and he would wake him up and spend a few hours in the morning with him, give him breakfast and play with him. Then Josemaria spent the day with my parents and also with his aunt (my brothers wife) who came to visit each day for a couple of hours . He was surrounded by love the whole time. Each day I Skyped for about 30 minutes and saw him, discussed with my parents his day and sang (very badly) many songs to him.
This time while difficult for me I think was a gift since Josemaria grew much closer to them. He actually jumps excitedly when he sees my dad coming, now feels right at home in their house and my parents have even asked me when I will travel again since they are looking so much forward to spending more time with him.
Now my mom calls me each day and we discuss in a way that we did not before his day , she tells me what she saw those days and gives me advice and wants to know each detail now with the experience of having him spend a 6 days with them. this changed dramatically with the stay. The true gift of a close knit family. I never appreciated it so much until now.
On the TTC side things are much better. My fear of another pregancy/miscarriage has diminished and I actually in my heart truly want to give it another 2 years of trying before quitting forever.
I am not looking forward to more exams and blood draws and having to work long distance with PPVI (its a nightmare from Mexicoi) but I want to have the peace in my heart that I gave it another chance .
. I have had 2 laps, done all the blood work, done the U/S series, done diet modification, taken tons of supplements, taken a fertility retreats, done maya massage, done so many novenas I cannot even count the, .
I will go back to the same regime I was doing when I got pregnant (napro, accupuncture, diet and relaxation) and also have another phone consult with Dr. H and see what he says, but other than this I have run out of ideas.
My last TTC post was about my vist to the accupuncurist a couple of weeks ago. Well I had SIX days of 10 KL! Like I had not seen in years. AF arrived a couple of days ago (actually we did not use the days of fertility as we should have so I kind of expected it ), but I felt a profound internal shift. I stoped seeing my body as that of an older woman that had lost her fertility after her miscarriage as I had been lately, but as a woman that still had normal cycles and a strong desire to be a mother again.
So back to TTC this cycle. I just hope to have the energy to do it.
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