Sunday, May 20, 2012

An IF heart among baby bumps

The arrival of Josemaria to our lives has healed my IF heart in so many ways,  yet  it has also made me yearn for more children badly and sometimes random things remind me that perhaps I will never again experience the wonder of having a life grow inside of me. And it  hurts and more knowing that time is short.

We are  also in no mans land also regarding our next  adoption.  We have already applied for a second one, but we have not  been able to start the formal process and we were told about a week ago that we should call again in 5 months.   FIVE months of no news.   My heart stopped when they told me this.

Five months of nothing.

 Just waiting and only then, maybe,  restart the whole process which each year is taking longer and longer.  A year and a half of waiting at least.    

The news coming from our agency are not good.

This also does not make it any easier.

And I do not need to look far for reminders that waiting is hard and that IF sucks and its not fair.

I work in an office that is  male dominated.  Each team has one or 2 women at the most, yet my team and PR are the ones with the most women.   4 internal employees and 2 external.

When I arrived the head of PR was 7 months pregnant.   She sat right in front of me.   I took things in stride when a lot of our lunch times focused on pregnancy talk and how they had planned for this baby exactly at a time when it was convenient for her career.

She and her DH each  had been married before and as she said: they each have their own children and now will share one between them.  After this one she says she is done.  Its already confusing enough for the children to continue adding to their family. These were her words.

His children, her child, their baby.

 I saw her belly grow and grow for 2 months until she left for maternity leave. She is now the mother of a little baby girl.

A few weeks into the job I learned that my counterpart (she sits right  behind me) was 2 months along.   In the next months I saw her belly grow and grow and I brought many of her cloth diapers from my trips to the USA of the last months.

Pregnancy and baby talk filled my lunch times again.   I took things in stride, yet my heart hurt each time she mentioned this was going to be her first and last.   She did not want any more.

 It was very easy for her to get pregnant and since this was the second marriage  for both (they got married just last week so the baby would have his last name and insurance, it did not have any meaning other than this to them ) and he has 2 children from his first marriage,  they have made the decision to close shop.  The exact words.

They do not want to risk another baby.  Risk!

So everyday I get to see  her belly grow and ache that I might never experience this again and know that she does not want to live it again.   That its almost a burden for her.

Then about a week ago I speak to the girl that sits right beside me.  She is from Europe, lives with her Mexican boyfriend, a divorced father of 2.  She told me she will start trying for a baby in the coming weeks  and get married after the baby is born  She is already doing some testing to check that all will be OK and then time conception according to their schedule.  So it fits their plans.

I sometimes feel when I hear her talk that it like planning a vacation or the purchase of  puppy.

Also when I asked here why not get married before, she says it really does not matter and also she wants a big party in both continents so it does not fit her schedule for now.  Better get pregnant first and maybe later do the marriage thing.

And then Friday of this week.   The girl that is an external employee and  that reports to me.   I see her coming and somewhat sense not all is OK.  I ask if she is feeling OK and she tells me right there:  "I am 2 months pregnant".

Again pregnant on the first try right when her first baby is 2 years of age.  She had mentioned to me that  she was thinking about it about 2 months ago and so on the very first try. ..pregnant again.

So my whole year will be filled with pregnancies timed to perfection, one in a second marriage, 2 in unmarried relationships (if her plans go as planned) and only one in a first marriage.  There is no way around it.  From January  to December and even beyond.

One sat in front of me, one sits behind me, one is right  at my side (the European girl who plans to start in a few weeks trying) and one reporting to me which I see every single  day. What are the odds?

Also... there are no other pregnancies in the office.  Only in my area and right around me.   I am a pregnancy magnet.

Only the other external employee who is a woman  is not pregnant  and has said she is finished with this.  Two was her plan and she has 2 so she has also closed shop.   She called differently from the others:.   Closed the factory.

And here we are , waiting, hoping, praying  that we are blessed again with a baby via a pregnancy or adoption yet being reminded each day that we are IF.

Not able to plan anything regarding the building of our family..

And everyday hearing comments such as: Closing shop,  closing the factory,  risking a pregnancy, done with my fertility,   planning a baby so it fits my schedule, marriage does not matter for a child, on the very first try....

It so hard.   Seeing how the culture of death has filled the minds and hearts of so many women and how for them everything is controllable.  Hearing them it seems that a baby is a right that suits your lifestyle.  

Yet for us that have always been open to life, that waited until marriage to be one,  for whom marriage is a life time commitment, that would be open to any baby  there are no  pregnancies and adoption is so, so far away.

Sometimes IF really really sucks


  1. Having so many pregnant people in your workplace, who get pregnant at their convenience / stop because of inconvenience ... what a slap in the face. I hate so bad that you and your DH are forced to wait while others take the gift of life for granted. It's so hard to swallow. I do not think that I could be as gracious, as I'm sure you are at work, with hearing all the baby talk and seeing all those women be pregnant. The devil is at work for sure against you. It is a heavy cross you are enduring.
    Know that you (and NaPro) remain in my prayers.

  2. This tears at my heart for day i will tell you my own work story in which I was surrounded by women not having babies when they wanted them (which is horrible) but abortions and my colleagues all being pro-choice and me being the crazy judgemental infertile.

    I guess I am not surprised that the women at your company have chosen the path and style they have but please know you have chosen the BETTER PATH...the holier path, the path of MARY...their situations and choices sound so well empty and hollow.

    I believe in the next months or so all of this will become clear and your next baby will be in your arms and you will see that all of this was a big arrow for you to go in a different direction!

    I know it must be hard to hear all their pregnancy talk but if you were a male colleague would they expect you to listen to them?! I say, you don't have to listen to them nor be extra supportive...

    I say find a way of being kind and civil to them but protect your heart you don't need to hear about their timed pregnancies and choices. UGH!!!!

    Run, run from all of that and stay, stay focused on what matters to you----

    Also, I say, call back the agency in 2 months forget 5 and just say oh, I thought you wanted us to keep in touch at 2 months in case the say anything which I don't think they will...stay on top of them!!! Don't let whoever picked up the phone push you back from calling them again for another 5 months!

    No, no, no....

    One day a priest gave me a card that read: Soon all will be revealed...

    I am sending you this same card.

    Soon, the world will see the FULL fruit of your struggle.

    And, it will be a blossoming motherhood that touches people in their hearts and inspires hundreds more....

    Your next baby is coming soon. Hold on and don't let these lost souls at work get you down.

    We love you!!!

    And, we have all been there where you are at.

  3. I'm so sorry! That must be SO hard. Timing pregnancies, "closing shop", thinking baby before marriage is acceptable.. ugh.. it's so hard to hear talked about in such a casual way. I would have had a hard time being surrounded by baby bumps even if it was married women who were open to life, but for it to be those who so clearly don't value the beautiful gift they have been given, it just seems like a slap in the face. Who knows.. maybe some good can come from it? Could you possibly share your experience with them and maybe, just maybe, plant a seed in them that they should consider being open to God's plan? I know that's hard with co-workers. But maybe God surrounded you with these pregnant bellies for a reason. We all know God loves to use you in special ways!! :)

  4. Trust :)

    There was a time not long ago when you believed you wouldn't be able to adopt. God has better plans than you can even imagine for yourself :)

  5. I have been in your shoes so many times, I know exactly how you feel.

    Continued prayers for you!!! God has so many amazing things in store for you!!

  6. This post stirred up so many emotions in me that relate to people's comments to us now that we have one baby. People are very shortsighted and its like you say, the culture of death is strong and pervasive and its heartbreaking how little people value such an unbelievable power to co-create a life. So sickening.

    Sidenote, you seem to be going to headquarters in MV, CA a lot, right? Did I mention that my brother in law lives/works there? He was in a marketing group for a bit but just moved departments but is focused on Latin America since he speaks Spanish/Portuguese (and way better than my husband!!) I wonder if you've met him!

  7. I love TCIE's comment. :) I will continue to pray for you and your adoption and IF journey! It saddens me so much that people have those attitudes toward children. I have never understood it, and it baffles me even more now that I have little C. I don't understand how anyone can see children as anything other than an amazing gift from God.