When it rains, it pours

Last week Wednesday I found out by DH lost his job and his last day is today.  The same day we  also found out the business that we had invested in since early last year is going through some very difficult times.

All of this at the very same time when we are starting adoption proceedings for our second baby and also we have decided to do again Napro full force at the advice of 2 diff Napro doctors who still have high hopes for us.

The reasons why he lost his job are  are not that clear, only that his postion will be merged with another persons position and that they will need a person with another skill set than his.

This was a complete surprise to both of us, since his evaluation by his peers and boss had gone very well just last month.  

We never ever saw this coming.  When he told me I felt I was kicked in the gut and I have not been able to write about it sooner since I hardly could believe it.

He ended in the best of terms of with the people there and actually the doors are open for him to have a teaching position when he finishes an education program that they sponsored for him.

This will  happen end of November and he could be teaching in January, still many months from now and at a very low salary since he would be just starting with only one or 2 classes a week.   Nothing like he had right now.

We had thought this job was a step in a new direction and while not perfect was a new start for us after many years of  lack of direction.   Now this door is closed and we need to gather up strength to where God might lead us.

His boss, who actually from what my DH tells me was very,  very distraught about letting him go,  told him he can still mention that he has a job there while he job hunts and they will back him up.  They will also recommend him  highly.  Still this does not solve the situation that we find ourselves in right now.

Job hunting in the middle of vacation time with no clear direction where to go.   We are still in shock.

So many plans shattered.

But this is not the only thing that happened.   On the very same week  the business that we had been investing in for the last year and a half  told us they were having major issues.    Also we had no idea.

We had invested   with them  a  large amount (for us at least)  and in return they gave us a percentage each month which was an additional income for my DH.    Not a lot, but it was a monthly extra that permitted us to do Napro and save.

They had been having several months of much lower sales (its the online business of a very close friend of mine and they had been very successful in the past and had been able to grow a lot due to our investment,  but for some reason they have not been able to figure out sales had been going down and down) and  they had to ask us to decrease substantially the percentage of return to us and in case we were to need the money they are not in a postion to return it to us right now.

 I know my friend very well and I trust her completely so I know they must be facing very hard times to come to this.   I know our investment is safe, but the return will be less than half of what it was before.

So basically a  large percentage of our income is  gone in a couple of days and it comes at a time where our expenses were going to increase dramatically in our quest to continue to build our family.

My DH did not know how to tell me when  he found out Monday and waited until Wednesday night to tell me and  my friend at the very same time  had come to my office  that very same day to inform me of the new and was very distraught about the situation.

Nobody knows  about my DH losing his job except B here and  a close friend of my DH.  We have not told our families and I prefer it this way for now.

We need to digest the news first and do not want everybody to be all worried for us.  My dad and my father in law both worked at the same jobs 40 years each so changes in job situations are  always a major source of worry for both.

My DH  was ashamed and very sad.   Lets say it was a  difficult conversation when he told me, specially with us focusing now so much on our next adoption and/or biological parenthood.

Dr B from Ireland and the doctor from the Gia.nna center both recommended that I do several cycles with  new medicines and close monitoring and we had decided to go ahead this week.

My local insurance while amazing,  does not cover Napro.

So this is a very expensive endeavor and on top of it all we got the call from our agency that we start adoption proceedings August 15th.  

While adoption here is nothing as expensive as in the USA (actually you only pay minimal lawyer feed because its illegal to profit from adoption) it has some costs like the courses, tests and paperwork and the need to invest a lot of time that with a job hunt might be difficult.  

I have no idea how my DH now not having a job will affect us.   I am not sure if the agency  will put this against us and ask us to wait.

No idea .

In the case of Napro:

Many of  our  supplements and medicines are not found locally and any testing is out of pocket.   The full regime that the doctors suggested that we start this cycle (BTW today is CD 1 and I need to make the decision to start or delay)

With no insurance covering this each month will look like this.....

• Pro.xe.ed: 100 USD
• HCG (Mexico): 70 USD. If I can buy in the USA it might be some 30 to 40 USD per month.  If I have to do the 10,000 trigger shot another 70 or 30 USD....
• T3 compounded: 40 USD per month from USA
• Cortef: 30 USD per month from USA
• Assorted vitamins for both of us: some 80 USD.  most local. 
• Mucus enhancers: some 30 USD per  month
• Femara: If I have to buy here..... over 100 USD a cycle. From the USA: 20 USD.  For now its Clomid, but if this does not work this cycle next one is this. 
• U/S: depending on where,  but some 200 USD plus for the whole U/S series and they want me to do it each month 
• B/W for P+7 Estradiol, Progesterone and  TSH each month... some 100 USD
• Cycle review: 50 USD

This cycle only: antibiotics for three full weeks plus medicines for candida before...... around 500 USD or more.

I do not even want to add it up since I will go into a bed and cry....

My only,  only consolation right now is that acupuncture  (in case I were to do it)  is very cheap here. 

To say this is a very hard blow is an understatement.

 While his job was not great and could not support us fully  it was a step in the right direction for us after many years of uncertainty and paid a lot of our basic expenses.  The money from our friends business went to Napro and my income went to pay our mortage,  save and help to bring Napro here.

The weight of everything was not on my shoulders only, but we had finally found a balance and while sometimes I would have wanted to stay home 100% I felt that we were building something finally after 4 very difficult years of marriage.

Now most of it will rest on my shoulders and this is sooooo hard for both of us.

Can you please spare a prayer that we find light and strength in the days ahead.

So many decisions to make.    

Three amazing days and new treatment plan

I just left Salt Lake city for the second part of my trip in the USA and I cannot even wrap my head around all the many  gifts from the last days .

I met so many amazing people that I had long admired that its really a blessing for me to have been among them.

Just  a few:   Dr B from Ireland, an amazing doctor from Australia, TCIE´s boss who is such an amazing lady and who told me again how wonderful TCIE is and many other very committed people to helping women.


I also met  2 bloggers!!!

One Perfect Power in Weakness who was there for a few hours and I got to meet baby Rachel who is absolutely gorgeous.  I am sad I had a meeting to attend so we did not get to talk a lot,     but I am very grateful to have met her baby who is truly an inspiration for me.

And I lso met Polkadot  from Making God Laugh who was a very big highlight from this trip.  She is amazing and beautiful both inside and outside and has the most wonderful eyes.  We were able to talk several times and I am so grateful for my time with her.  I will keep you in my prayers.


One of the great gifts from this trip was that one  night I went to dinner with Dr B, another doctor  (Dr Y from St Louis who many people told me is an amazing endo surgeon )   and several practitioners.

Later everybody left,  but Dr Y and Dr B and my friend B and me ended  up talking for a very long time after dinner  about the wealth of information in the blogs and about the "Infertility companion for catholics" book.  Dr.B thought that the blogs could provide very valuable insights for the Napro doctors and even asked me to compile a list of the things that we see as important for them to consider.

 I specially told him about the success stories with reproductive inmunology and that felt Napro still had a long way to go with this. He promised to read all suggestions that I would send him so if you want anything to be considered by a Napro doctor send them my way.

I found this  openness to listen amazing  and very,  very admirable for such a recognized doctor.


After dinner while walking back to the hotel and very surprisingly to me Dr B offered  too look at both my friend B`s and my chart.  

Dr B is a family doctor who is perhaps Europe´s most recognized Napro doctor.  His approach includes lifestyle, nutrition and he is very open to alternative medicine and I have been watching his videos on Youtube forever as well reading some of this protocols online.

 When he told us this I really saw it as an opportunity from God to have a fresh look at my case from what I believe is a very different Napro perspective from the normal one.

Here are his recommendations in case they help anybody with fresh ideas:

First and foremost:
Every woman 38 and over and her DH MUST be on:

• Alpha Lipoic Acid 300 mgs
• Vitamine C 1000 mgs 
• DHEA 25mgs a day

This he considers to be an anti-aging treatment  for both egg and sperm and crucial for us older patients.

Then:
No wheat, no caffeine, no milk.
He does also allergy testing via blood samples, but considers that most people respond very well to taking the above out and if still not remarkably better  do the testing .  He has seen many great results with this. In some cases even only doing this people have pregnancies after years of trying


Medicines: 


Most are very similar to the ones suggested by the Gianna center, but a couple are some what different and I discussed with him the pros and cons of them,.  

1. I am on 50 mgs Naltrexone which is controversial among Napro doctors.  Some consider it to be too high and that you can get great results by doing 4.5 which is the low dose naltrexone.  Several doctors at the conference mentioned that they thought it was much better this way so I am really considering it and they mentioned that lowering the dose should not have bad effects.   He recommended I speak about this with  Dr. H.
2. Clomid is also the way to go when you are older even if you ovulate since it " can make the egg stronger".  I do not know the exact mechanism but I have been told this by Dr. H , Dr B and Dr. N so all agree that I need to do it and I will start the next cycle.  He mentioned that you can do this for a year with no problems.    
3. In case its too drying I will need to go on Femara which works similar to  Clomid.    He mentioned you should not dismiss one for the other automatically, but give both a try since they tend to have different effects on women and you do not know until you try them both.  Femara would be 25 mgs on CD 3 before breakfast. 
4. He recommended a trigger shot of 10, 000 IU of HCG on day 3 of mucus buildup. He believes I am ovulating normally, but has had very good results with this resulting in a better ovulation.  
5. Unlike the doctor in NY he thinks I have an infection due to all the procedures from my miscarriage  and this is the reason we have not conceived again.  He recommended a combination of medicines starting on CD 12.   Before this I am to start Diflucan for 10 days  to get rid of the candida that is normally in the body and then on day 12 start  with both Biaxin and Flagyl for 3 full weeks. He recommended a very strong probiotic called Pre bio 7 which is not available as far as I know in the USA.   

At the end of the conversation I asked him point blank if he thought we still had a chance. 

And he surprised me by being extremely positive, far more than I ever expected being my age.  

He said he would tell me if not point blank, but actually he was very,  very positive that it was possible.  He said   your cycles seem very  normal, your hormones look great and resemble those of a much younger person  and exactly like the doctor from the Gianna center he said he believed it was actually fixing some  the small things that would get us a new pregnancy. He thought infection was the main problem.  He asked me to try for at least 12 good cycles and even 18 and then and only until then give up.  I am not sure I could keep up so long, but I know that at least I will give it a good 6 months.   

He said he saw no signs of pre menopause and actually thought I would have a late menopause just like my mom in the early fifties so he considers I could at least try until 43..  

That night I felt the same peace that I felt with the call with the Gianna center.  Now 3 of the top Napro doctors have looked at my case and all agree that there are still small things to fix, but that once fixing them I could again be a mother.
 It might not be the case as I am 41 and I have struggled for 5 years now with IF and had only one pregnancy in all this time, but I feel I have truly done all possible and its now up to God.

And the cherry on the cake,  Today I am in San Francisco and my sister  who lives in the Yucatan penniensula is also here with her family  on her way to Hawaii and her hotel is 2 blocks from mine.

 How in the world did we end up meeting here I do not know, but I am ecstatic as I will get to see my niece and nephew today and tomorrow.

Oh my God! or the Virgin at work again

I was  still at the airport waiting  to be able to board my plan to Las Vegas   (please read  my last post on my adventures to get to the FertilityCare meeting) when I checked my email for the last time before almost running out of battery.

I was complaining to myself....   4 more hours to board my plane and still not arriving at my destination until tomorrow, hundreds of dollars spent, etc etc .  when I received one of the most wonderful emails of my life.

An email from our adoption agency.  

We have been invited to the introductory session for the process to adopt a second baby.  

This means that we have begun the adoption process for a second baby.   The process is rolling and we have been accepted!!

A SECOND baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

 This is HUGE.    Its like receiving a BFP in Mexico.

   Since the agency only accepts as many parents as they think they will have babies in fact this email means that we will be adoptive parents a second time once Josema turns 2 (April 21).

 It means that once we complete all the courses and paper work in the coming months we will be put on the final waiting list in April and from there it could be any day.

Here I am complaining about having to spend my whole day at the airport due to having lost my flight and I receive the biggest gift from God.  And in the end its a great thing since the group has only 16 spaces and you need to confirm as soon as you receive the email or the send you to the next goupr which could be many many months ahead.  

But not only this.....

The date. THE DATE.

Its the very same one as the one when we became parents one year ago and it all has to do with Our Lady.

I have blogged that we received the call that we were parents on August 15th at night, day of the Assumption and picked Josemaria up on the 16th.

5 years before  exactly  DH and I  had spent the night from the 15th to the 16th of August  in Adoration in preparation for the Feast of the Assumption.

  DH proposed to me in front of the altar and we consecrated ourselves to Her that very same night with a very special blessing by the priest that later married us.

And God  granted us a baby on the very same day

Well this meeting that signals that we will be able to become parents again its on August 16th.  

Here I am a crying mess at the Mexico City airport.  All the problems of today are nothing compared to this news.


Thank you God!  Thank you our Lady of Guadalupe!!!!

Off to Fertility.ca.re meeting or so I thought (upadated)

Update: 


I thought I was leaving today to Salt Lake City, but it was not to be.  I am really , really trying to make lemonade out of lemons and try to focus on the days ahead .  I do not know why,  but every time I try to do something for Napro like this, I end up having trials.  I do not want to think that its the bad guy testing me, but today I really really thought it was him making fun of me. 


This morning I left home with enough time to reach the airport  but I had with a broken heart. 


 I left a crying baby that yesterday was having a very  hard time with teething (his only really bad day so far) and so I was full of stress on my way there.  Luckily when I called again Josema was doing great and my parents had arrived to pick him up and he was all smiles.  


 I  was so worried today that I called my mom very early  even thinking of cancelling the trip, but in her wisdom she said she would take care of him as well as I could and she had three times the experience with teething that I had so not to worry.   In my last call Josema was laughing and playing with my dad so I know he is in the best ever hands and also know that Josema does wonders for my parents.  They really rejuvenate with him around.   


Well  I was all stress with all of this when on the way to the airport a truck carrying tiles had an accident and they closed 4 lanes out of 5  so what normally is a 45 minute ride took over 2 hours plus.  Almost 3.   The taxi ride was horrible,  hot and the driver not very nice.   


Well  I lost my flight to Salt Lake city by 10 minutes.   


And the odissey began.  


 I was travelling to Las Vegas first and then SLC.   The first part of the trip with miles and the rest with money.  I had been able to save hundreds of dollars by doing this and was very happy about it.... but when you lose a flight its the worst ever scenario.  


So I had to deal with 2 airlines, one of which with terrible service (Del.ta) with a phone line that never answered in 3 hours and a very bad internet connection so I could not do anything online.  Really horrible.   So I had to stand in line for 45 minutes to try to fix it at one of the counters and then 2 times at the other airline.  


After THREE hours I finally found a solution.  The first  one was to buy a new ticket, but it was 1,300 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!  A non negotiable thing for us right now.  


  In the end  I will fly  to Las Vegas at 8 p.m tonight , arrive there at 10 p.m and spend the night at an airport hotel and  leave 6:30 a.m to SLC.  How I will wake up I do not know.  


I will arrive at 8:50 am in time to attend the meetings.     This means that  I am spending my whole day at the airport today. It simply was more time to go back home and then come back again after all was sorted out.    


Luckily I met with my friend B a couple of hours ago  and she helped me out with the last part of the problems with the flights  and then on our way to lunch I met with a former boss and was on his way to SLC.    He is Mormon and by far the best ever boss.  


He is very very nice and he took my mind of all of this and he ended up inviting B and me to lunch.  A light on a dark day. 


So I am off to the airport spa.  I have a whole afternoon in front of me, almost no battery and did not bring enough to read and I will reach my destination in more than 18 hours.  


 I do not care how much it will cost  cost (I do, but will close my eyes when the check comes ) and have a massage, do manicure and drink a very nice whiskey  (my flight is business so I have access to the business lounge) and try to make lemonade out of lemons.  


I just pray that the rest of the trip is better and not a signal of things to come.   


My post today:

I am leaving in a few hours to my first FC.CA meeting in Salt Lake City.   Meeting with many practitioners, Napro doctors and friends of the system is very,  very exciting.  Its my first time and its very exciting since it all came together at the very last minute.

 Any bloggers attending?   Please let me know or look for a crazy Mexican woman!   hehehe.  .  I will be there with my dear friend B who has been working also tirelessly to bring this here and would LOVE to meet  any bloggers.  I know of only one coming, but I hope more will be there.    (I am totally and absolutely  bummed TCIE will not be there!!!!)

The last days have been hectic.   Both my job and all related to Napro have been moving and shaking like crazy.  Seems God wants to bring it Napro here NOW and also use my job to help.

Yesterday I received a very important call. Basically a very important person here wants to help bring Napro to Mexico ASAP  (this person told me it was clear the Holy Spirit was at work and that she had to help in any way she could)  and a couple of  weeks ago we received also another very important call about it.

I cannot blog about it in detail, but please,  please keep us in your prayers.

 Its what I have been praying for the last 3 years of my life.  It could be major for so many people struggling with IF and miscarriage.

On the other hand my job has many options to help non.profits and there is a strong chance that our adoption agency can get some support to help pregnant women in distress.  I cannot participate in the process, but I can pray.    Could you please keep it in your prayer list?  Also could be major.

So off we go.

Salt Lake city here we come!!!!!

A new plan, thanks God!

I just hung up with the gian.na cen. ter.  Back in April by a series of Godincidences I had ended up having an appointment with them without even planning and today also with no planning I had an appointment with them that gave me enormous peace.

 I feel truly that God is with us giving us signs not to give up in our quest to build our family and feel peace which I had not felt about this in a long time.

By a miracle I was able to talk to them today.   I actually sent the translation of my test results  Friday afternoon and today I received an email that we could talk today  midday.  I was speechless since when I looked at their calendar  they did not have appointments until the end of the month.    I was bummed when I saw this and it made things almost impossible for me since it meant having to struggle to bring any medicines from the USA in the next months . 


This call today  means  I will be able to bring my medicines from the USA the very next week when I return from the FCCA meeting (the meeting where all practitioners and doctors meet) in Utha this week. 

The doctor was caring, took a lot of time to explains things to me and was open to my questions.   We had a brief discussion on Thyroid and maybe in the future I will go on Armour which she prefers to T3 (which Dr, H prefers).   I am very open to trying new things.  I have been on the same things forever and I am dead tired for them  and seeing no results.  

So the game plan is very different from what I have normally been doing.   I am actually very surprised since everything seemed so normal, yet she thinks my case its a question of several little things off rather than one big one.

The end message from her:  There as just subtle things that off from the hormonal point of view, nothing big and I seem to be ovulating fine and your DH is now considered to be normal. Your  charts and hormones continue to be very good despite your age  and if we adjust and correct those little things you could  conceive again.   I have hope for you and would tell you to stop otherwise or contain my enthusiasm, but I think you have at least a couple of good years to continue trying and there is good reason to hope.


I felt an enormous peace from this knowing that it had been a very good idea to fight for answers and to have the peace of mind that I had done everything I could.  

In summary the plan in case anybody can have ideas from it:

TSH on P+7 is 4,  higher than they like to see  (which is 2) and while she does not share Dr, H viewpoint on T3 she agreed to keep me on T3.   but adding T4 25 mcg.  I will need to do P+7 TSH each month to see where we are.

Low vitamin D:  She will put me on prescription vitamin d 50,000 IU for 3 months and then I will go on 2,000 IU a day.  

My P+7 estrogen and progesterone are too high from a fertility perspective so she wants me to lower my HCG to 1,000 IU P+3, P+5 and P+7.

Then my estrogen pre peak curve  is a little bit on the low side and she also thinks that my U/S is on the limit of normal (I have a beautiful follicle that grows to perfect size,  but when it decreases it does to the limit, so she cannot be sure it breaks fully or in the manner they like)   So to accomplish both making my estrogen higher and having a better follicle that breaks she wants me on Clomid 1/2 tablet days 3, 4 and 5 of each cycle.  I will also need to do U/S each month to see the rupture.  

I feel a lot of peace from this call.  I know I have done all possible and now its up to God.

A caring doctor and results

I am home now after a stress filled afternoon.

As I blogged today I was to have a hysteroscopy at the recommendation of the doctor a the Gia.nna center.  Since my miscarriage and 2 back to back D&C´s I have had intermittent tail end brown bleeding and even after many courses of antibiotics it keeps returning. They suspected adhesions, an issue with the endometrium or  infections.  This is the only thing in my chart which is not perfect and they thought a possible cause of our lack of pregnancies.  

I was very  anxious about going back to the same hospital where I had all my complications and about the possible pain of the procedure.   I did my best not to think about it the whole day.  

I was very,  very blessed that my local Napro doctor and friend picked me from my office and drove me to the hospital and even waited for one hour talking with me to distract me until the pain medicine went into effect. She stayed with me during the procedure, took my hand, prayed  and actually told the doctor exactly what she wanted to see and to be extra carful.  She was my angel.   Compassionate, caring, humble, a true gift to Napro. 

The procedure found everything normal in my uterus. It was more painful than I expected (like very,  very bad cramps for several minutes and I almost ended up crying) and it has to do a lot with my retroverted uterus.


The procedure found  no polyps, no inflammation,  no adhesions, etc.  Actually the doctor said  it looked beautiful.  They took a biopsy and we will have the result in a week, but we expect it to come back normal since Napro considers that most of them come back normal since doctors do not give it enough time to give the exact data.  Most probably I will go on Biaxin again now that we have ruled out the other possible causes.     I do not look forward to this, but its the only way it has gone away.  


I now have my full file for Gian.na and PPVI.   I have decided to send it  them both  and have their input and opinion and   I also  hope to have sometime to speak to other doctors at the FertilityCare meeting in Utah next week.  Lets see what happens.   


Thanks for all the prayers today in a very anxiety filled day.  They truly held me. 

Here we go again.... filled with anxiety.

This Wednesday I will have another IF procedure,  something that I promised myself I would not do ever  again and what is even worse it will take place in the hospital where I promised myself I would never ever return. 


The very same hospital that is a few blocks from my office and that I try to  evade by driving into other direction.    


Yet here I am, planning to have another procedure there.    It all seems like a bad joke and I had no idea the kind of feelings it would evoke.   


For the last year and a half I have had  tail end brown bleeding and although my hormones and charts have been great I had not had another pregnancy.  This tail end brown bleeding has been coming and going and it clears up with antibiotics only to come back again several months later.

 The doctors suspect  damage to my uterus from the 2 back to back D&C´s I had a year and a half ago  and/or  an infection and want to rule out both with a diagnostic hysteroscopy.   This is the only thing that seems to be preventing a pregnancy and the only unturned stone.

So far my procedure  record is:   2 laps (one in Mexico and one at PPVI), two HSGs (apart from the ones in the laparoscopies), 2 D&C´s and one stay in the hospital  with multiple tests waiting to eliminate the roots of the placenta of my miscarriage, plus dozens of blood tests and U/S.

Since this is supposed to be a very easy procedure  I did not know why I kept putting this off (doctors had recommended it last year and again in April of this year), but  today  after making the appointment  I felt  deep waves of anxiety and had several horrible  flashbacks and knew that it all had to do with what I had lived there.


I had to go to a room in the office and breath deeply in order not to start crying.  


 I think I have some type post traumatic stress disorder after all I lived one year and a half ago.  The is no other explanation. 


This is just a simple procedure, yet my feelings are extreme and are getting worse by the hour, but at the very same time I feel it will give me closure and some answers and I will regret all my life not having done it.   I just wish it was not at this place.  


 Going again to the same hospital where I spent the very worst days of my life and having another procedure there is not something that I would even wish on my own worse enemy.  


Yet I have no option,  this is the only place where they can do this as an outpatient procedure with a doctor that is willing to do exactly the way that Napro is asking  and there is no way that I will spend again several days in a hospital to do it under full anesthesia which is my other option in another hospital.   

With this procedure they will put me under light anesthesia  and in the doctors office do it with my local Napro doctor present (she is not a surgeon and does not have the equipment, but will be there to support me and also to see the procedure). I have to enter the hospital and walk all the way to this doctors office to do it.

They expect me to have some pain (there will be an additional biopsy) and also  I will need a family member to be with me in case I feel ill, but all should end in a  couple of hours. One to prep and another to have the procedure and recuperate.    No need to rest or do anything special afterwards.   It should be very simple, yet my feelings are not.

Its so ironic that it needs to be in the very place where I promised myself not to return, yet  this is my 4th time there.  FOURTH.

 Since my first D&C there   I have vowed never to go to this place again, yet time and time again I end there. I find it surreal with so many hospitals in the city I always return.   Arghhhhh!

This is the hospital where I found out we had miscarried after a normal U/S, where I had 2 D&C and  spent 4 days in intense pain and where I was pressured by a doctor  after my D&C to do IVF telling me I was stupid in trusting Napro.

 My local doctor decided to do a D&C at the very same place were we had received the news.   I began to hate this place since then.    

Going into the operating room  and knowing there was no baby anymore must have been the very worst feeling of my life . I can still see all details of the rooms in my mind and the stairs of entrance to the hospital.    My eyes flood with tears even months later.

But God had other plans and all did not end there.   A few days later the intense  pain and bleeding started.   I had not idea what was going on, but the pain both physical and emotional was more than I could bear.

 My doctor asked me to run to the hospital and  I spent  the next 4 days on the same floor (its a woman´s hospital very famous for its very good approach to birth so it mostly does this) with countless families receiving the amazing news of births.  I could hear babies crying and families celebrating outside my door.  I had contractions like giving birth for several days until my body eliminated the blood clots formed by the roots of the placenta naturally and I still fell the pain of this mixed with such an intense waves of grief.  

I promised myself never ever again to return to this hospital.  I made a solemn vow.

 Well 3 months later I had to go again there to have a second D&C for extreme bleeding that they had mistaken for a second miscarriage.  My doctor insisted it be there since he could not meet me the the other one he used.   Three hospitalizations in 3 months at this hospital.  


So more than a year and a half later I have to go back there to find answers.   And I am in panic to see this place again. I had no idea my feelings would be so strong, but I cannot deny them.  


I hate the irony of IF.  One promised never ever to do something and time and time again you end up doing it in the intese quest for a baby.   I absolutely hate IF.