Monday, July 2, 2012

Here we go again.... filled with anxiety.

This Wednesday I will have another IF procedure,  something that I promised myself I would not do ever  again and what is even worse it will take place in the hospital where I promised myself I would never ever return. 

The very same hospital that is a few blocks from my office and that I try to  evade by driving into other direction.    

Yet here I am, planning to have another procedure there.    It all seems like a bad joke and I had no idea the kind of feelings it would evoke.   

For the last year and a half I have had  tail end brown bleeding and although my hormones and charts have been great I had not had another pregnancy.  This tail end brown bleeding has been coming and going and it clears up with antibiotics only to come back again several months later.

 The doctors suspect  damage to my uterus from the 2 back to back D&C´s I had a year and a half ago  and/or  an infection and want to rule out both with a diagnostic hysteroscopy.   This is the only thing that seems to be preventing a pregnancy and the only unturned stone.

So far my procedure  record is:   2 laps (one in Mexico and one at PPVI), two HSGs (apart from the ones in the laparoscopies), 2 D&C´s and one stay in the hospital  with multiple tests waiting to eliminate the roots of the placenta of my miscarriage, plus dozens of blood tests and U/S.

Since this is supposed to be a very easy procedure  I did not know why I kept putting this off (doctors had recommended it last year and again in April of this year), but  today  after making the appointment  I felt  deep waves of anxiety and had several horrible  flashbacks and knew that it all had to do with what I had lived there.

I had to go to a room in the office and breath deeply in order not to start crying.  

 I think I have some type post traumatic stress disorder after all I lived one year and a half ago.  The is no other explanation. 

This is just a simple procedure, yet my feelings are extreme and are getting worse by the hour, but at the very same time I feel it will give me closure and some answers and I will regret all my life not having done it.   I just wish it was not at this place.  

 Going again to the same hospital where I spent the very worst days of my life and having another procedure there is not something that I would even wish on my own worse enemy.  

Yet I have no option,  this is the only place where they can do this as an outpatient procedure with a doctor that is willing to do exactly the way that Napro is asking  and there is no way that I will spend again several days in a hospital to do it under full anesthesia which is my other option in another hospital.   

With this procedure they will put me under light anesthesia  and in the doctors office do it with my local Napro doctor present (she is not a surgeon and does not have the equipment, but will be there to support me and also to see the procedure). I have to enter the hospital and walk all the way to this doctors office to do it.

They expect me to have some pain (there will be an additional biopsy) and also  I will need a family member to be with me in case I feel ill, but all should end in a  couple of hours. One to prep and another to have the procedure and recuperate.    No need to rest or do anything special afterwards.   It should be very simple, yet my feelings are not.

Its so ironic that it needs to be in the very place where I promised myself not to return, yet  this is my 4th time there.  FOURTH.

 Since my first D&C there   I have vowed never to go to this place again, yet time and time again I end there. I find it surreal with so many hospitals in the city I always return.   Arghhhhh!

This is the hospital where I found out we had miscarried after a normal U/S, where I had 2 D&C and  spent 4 days in intense pain and where I was pressured by a doctor  after my D&C to do IVF telling me I was stupid in trusting Napro.

 My local doctor decided to do a D&C at the very same place were we had received the news.   I began to hate this place since then.    

Going into the operating room  and knowing there was no baby anymore must have been the very worst feeling of my life . I can still see all details of the rooms in my mind and the stairs of entrance to the hospital.    My eyes flood with tears even months later.

But God had other plans and all did not end there.   A few days later the intense  pain and bleeding started.   I had not idea what was going on, but the pain both physical and emotional was more than I could bear.

 My doctor asked me to run to the hospital and  I spent  the next 4 days on the same floor (its a woman´s hospital very famous for its very good approach to birth so it mostly does this) with countless families receiving the amazing news of births.  I could hear babies crying and families celebrating outside my door.  I had contractions like giving birth for several days until my body eliminated the blood clots formed by the roots of the placenta naturally and I still fell the pain of this mixed with such an intense waves of grief.  

I promised myself never ever again to return to this hospital.  I made a solemn vow.

 Well 3 months later I had to go again there to have a second D&C for extreme bleeding that they had mistaken for a second miscarriage.  My doctor insisted it be there since he could not meet me the the other one he used.   Three hospitalizations in 3 months at this hospital.  

So more than a year and a half later I have to go back there to find answers.   And I am in panic to see this place again. I had no idea my feelings would be so strong, but I cannot deny them.  

I hate the irony of IF.  One promised never ever to do something and time and time again you end up doing it in the intese quest for a baby.   I absolutely hate IF.  


  1. :( I am so sorry, my friend! I felt the same way about Creighton after my surgery with the infection disaster. I would get anxious just driving by the hospital. I remember how terrible that anxiety was, and then I had to go back for the hsg and two more was terrible, that anxiety!! My heart hurts for you. Praying for peace and calm for you!

  2. I can only imagine how you are feeling but I must say, YOU ARE SO STRONG-stronger than you even think-because even though you are scared and not wanting to, you are because of the HOPE that good will come from this. Hang in there sweet friend, I am praying extra for you!

  3. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope and pray that you can find some calmness, despite your anxiety.

    What helped me before my surgeries was offering up my anxiety. It helped me focus on something else besides my racing heart.

    Praying for you!!!!

  4. Sometimes, don't you just wish you were older and done cycling so you didn't have to worry about deciding to do treatments or not??
    Making the decision to stop trying brought me a lot of peace. I have that chronic TEBB, too... but I really don't give a rat's ass anymore :) It's very freeing.
    I hope no matter what the outcome of the procedure, you are able to find peace.

  5. I will be praying for you, to find strength to face your fears.

  6. Yes, I absolutely believe in post traumatic stress disorder for this...and experienced myself at hospitals I have had to go and return to. There is nothing like having a D & C for a missed miscarriage. It is beyond surreal, sad, and horrible. I forced my doctors to do an ultrasound in the ROOM before my D & C to show me on the screen that they baby was truly deceased (this was the baby I had after Toddler Ann...many people do not know I had another miscarriage after her)...

    I don't even remember it now...they said they showed me but I was under aethesia and can not even remember them showing me. UGH!

    I had nightmares forever after this...that they made a mistake...and forgot to do a follow up ultrasound...

    This after two doctors doing an ultrasound on me in the doctor's office and telling me about my miscarriage at 14 weeks after I had just had an ultrasound three days before with my RE doctor that told me everything looked "fantastic."

    But, then a year later, I have baby Joe this same hospital...and I know what you are saying about as soon as I go into the maternity ward where they give the Non-Stress Tests...I experience a deep grief and fear...not to mention I live in fear that my doctors will mess things up.

    After doctors told me that Toddler Ann was an "ectopic" pregnancy and that I had to "take care of it" at that moment...(I ended up fleeing that hospital, leaving against medical advice) I have never trusted REs, OB-GYNs, or hospitals again.

    I am sorry to say all of this...but I just want you to know I have PTSD too from my IF experiences, especially my miscarriages and treatments.


  7. Oh, but I want to add that a diagnostic hysterscope sounds like a good idea my friend. If I don't get pregnant this year...I will do one as well with a doctor in NYC that I went to before.

    They are easy. True. True.

    Do you keep taking the antibiotics up til ovulation?

    Does you husband take them before intercourse as well?

    I have had success when I do this.


    TOns of prayers...