Thursday, March 29, 2012

Ready for Holy Week and a very important month

I am so ready for Holy Week in more than one aspect.  Some rest, spiritual reflection, silence.  

Last 2 weeks  have been very difficult.   

 I was for  6 days in NYC, then came back to Mexico City  for 2 days and then  had to head back to San Francisco.  Every day that I traveled was  full of meetings and nights dinner with the team. 

Very little prayer time (other than my time in NYC at St Patricks my prayer life has been almost non existant)  and the reality of my new job combined. 

I am beat.

Josemaria stayed all this time with my parents and the days that were free with his dad (there was a long weekend here)   I actually moved all my travels so he would be able to be with his dad the most time, then with us both the weekend and with my parents the rest of the time.   

I am not only physically beat, but also beat because my trip was an eye opening experience and I need to brace for reality.  I saw a side of human nature that was not the best.  

In summary I have a higher position in the company than I knew (I just found out) which means more visibility and more responsability  (at a time where this is the last thing I want),   the coming months will be full of work until I find help (I need to hire a person and there are tons of requirements)  and I am really,  really in the minority in many aspects.   This last part is the hardest. 

I have always been the minority: in a very liberal school a practicing Catholic, in work a woman that wanted most of all a family, but what I saw was much more difficult than expected.     

The people that  mostly I will be working  in the USA with are highly political.  (the exception is  my boss and my team here which are very,  very nice)  their career is the focus  (family is not even on their radar), most (if not all) come from Ivy League education or from other companies where they were very succesful, they are highly,  highly comptetive  and they are very pampered at the company and most are young.   Its an explosive combination.

Too much success at a very early age with not always strong character.   

Also in my area  there is a very high percentage of people living very openly very liberal lifesyles..   (men "married"  to men, people sleeping around,   etc).  The percentage of this is much much higher than I have ever seen.  

I am still  in shock, but this is in part the reality of the world and we need to be out there where the fights are as lamps, but this does not mean its easy. 

So I am ready for Holy Week.   

To gain strenght for the next months until I have some help, to focus on what is really important,  to really pray, to gain perspective,  etc.   

Next month is also  very important for us. 

 Tomorrow we have the 6 months post adoption follow up (time has flown by).   We need to go to our agency and present tons of papers: baptism documents, medical records by Josemaria´s pediatrician, then a certificate  by an independant doctor and do an hour interview with the social worker and this will continue for the next 2 years.  A lot of work, but I am also so glad that the agency looks out so well for the babies in their care.  

 With this follow up and in just in 3 weeks on Josemaria´s 1st birthday  we can start  adoption proceedings again and by the time Josemaria is 2 we could be parents again (the law says you can only adopt again when all procedures in the prior adoption are perfect, but also only when the first baby turns 2).  

Its again a long road ahead, but we could be parents again and its so very,  very exciting and among all the work coming up I need to focus on this. .  

Also this month I turn 41 and I restart Napro testing to give TTC another chance for probably the last time in my life. 

So many things to focus on  and what better way than to start with intensive prayer time during  Holy Week.     

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Pope is in Mexico!! we can bring your intentions to the Papal Mass!!!

The Pope arrived today in the afternoon to León, Guanajuato,   a city in the very center  of  Mexico, for his first Papal visit.  

Leon is part of a large geographical area where religious persecution  against  Catholics was most fierce in the 1930`s.  Its a land of  true martyrs.

Near Leon is a monument to Christ the King on top of a mountain (very similar to the very famous one in Rio de Janeiro) which is the geographical center of Mexico and  very near there the Pope will give a Mass on Sunday.  This is where Mexico was consecrated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

A very dear friend of mine will be attending the  Sunday Mass, she also has suffered the pain of IF and is now the amazing mother to two beautiful children via adoption.    She has been working with me tirelessly to bring Napro to this Land of Guadalupe.

Due to his health the Pope cannot come to Mexico City (we have a very high altitude), so they chose this very special place for his visit.

My friend is offering to bring all intentions to this Papal Mass.     So please feel free to send her your intentions.  I will not be able to attend the Mass, but she will be there representing us.

Intentions for adoption, for children, for peace, any intention.

Here is her blog:

 and this is her email:   begrobayo @

If you can be united in prayer with us we would also welcome it very much.

The Pope will come to a country which is waging a war.

A war against the drug cartels which in thousands of innocent people have been displaced and murdered.

Our current president, who is my personal hero and is very  prolife, had the guts to face these cartels that had been growing for several years as the consumption of drugs in the USA and other countries has increased and drug money from Colombia moved here.   Its really not only a problem from Mexico, but its an extremely complicated issue where the demand for illegal drugs is a the heart of it.  

Its a  war that has killed over 31, 000 civilians in the last 5 years and the Pope will pray for my country in this very special place where the Church was terribly persecuted.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Napro update and some new ideas

Today I have hope again.

 Hope to find answers why we have not conceived again after our miscarriage over a year ago and to have the peace of mind that I have done everything in my power to be a biological mother again.    I really needed this peace.  

After the God.indicence of Sunday where right after asking for a sign to the Virgin of Guadalupe at St. Patricks  I saw an ad about Napro in the middle of Manhattan (I still find it amazing!) today I had  more God.incidences which gave me great peace.

I know we should not always be asking for signs, but maybe due to my hard head God has decided its the best way to signal that all will be OK or the way to go.

So today  maybe the first time in many,  many years today I skipped work, actually a top meeting.

I did not say much to my boss other than I had an important appointment and needed to take it for a couple of hours.  He agreed, still I felt bad about doing it and basically escaped from the meeting.  .

Well the very first sign that all was going to be OK came just as I was leaving the office.

 I was leaving our NYC office which is located in C.h.el.sea Market and had just asked God for all to be Ok with my appointment (my DH actually thought I was crazy for doing it and we had a discussion in the morning)  and then I could not believe my eyes:

 Right in front of me I see a man wearing a large T-shirt with the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  The man wearing it was clearly a Latino and I almost hugged him  on the spot, actually I had tears in my eyes.

How in the world in the middle of  a very crowded Chel.sea Market does Our Lady appear?   As I looked back to confirm that my eyes were not lying to me I saw that also he had Her image on the front.   It clearly was respectful, a sign of devotion  and not just a comical depiction of her.   I could not help but smile for the next 10 minutes.

Then right in front of me a taxi cab stopped and I hopped right into it.   The taxi driver was so very very nice and kept reassuring me I was on time for my appointment.   I was amazed and began to relax. .

I arrived with plenty of time at the Gianna center and had an amazing consult.  The first one, lasting more than 30 minutes in more than 2.5 years.

The doctor later told me she could not believe I had found an appointment from one moment to the other. That that was highly unusual and many times people had to wait weeks.  

The doctor there, a young family doctor which I had long admired from some videos that I had seen  was very nice and she did not think I was crazy at all for wanting to speak to a Napro doctor about my case.    

She did a very in depth interview of my history and actually heard me,  I felt so validated.

I  had been thinking that lately (in my case)  PPIV  has been  very very busy  and hard to get a hold off for me being so far away and that at this time in my life I needed a more individual approach.

A smaller center where I could have more direct contact with the doctor and actually discuss my case often in the coming months as we tweaked a possible treatment.

I will probably go back to PPVI in the future if needed but right now this is what my heart needs for peace.  

Then she saw my charts and said that they looked quite good for  my age and said something that really surprised me:

The acupuncture is clearly working , keep for sure doing it.  Its not part of Napro, but I have seen such amazing  results time and time again.    (my mucus has been in the last 2 cycles amazing and went from so so to one of a 15 year old). Your last 2 cycles have been perfect.

Then she prescribed pycnogenol to me which has shown to stop endo on its tracks.  I have been giving my DH pycnogenol for years and  its one of the things that he was on when we conceived (it helps with sperm morphology), but I had no idea it helped with endo.   Its 60 mgs once a day in case anybody is interested and they sell it at GNC or Whole foods.

The she explained her game plan to me to detect what could be happening after my miscarriage and so many years after my 1st napro consult,  a game plan that I can manage being a mother and with insurance that most probably will not cover most.  

The plan is:

  • Do estradiol blood work  series first part of the cycle  as everything shows my progesterone must be OK.  Then do P7 full blood work. All  of it in Mexico(this was a relief, that I did not have to try to send it to the USA)
  • Do U/S series in Mexico following specific instructions.  Start at Peak minus 4.    She explained that there was a Napro way of doing it, but following the instructions and giving what Napro looked for to the radiologist was going to be OK as no centers existed in Mexico.  I already did it in the past and  have the referral for a top top center specializing in gynecology whose report Dr H liked. 
  • She did not think I needed another lap.  All signals endo is not back and above all Dr. H said it was gone after my lap with him.,  The pycnogenol is in case there are any minimal spots. 
  • She highly recommended a hysteroscopy and a HSG. She thinks that there might be an issue in my uterus or tubes due to all the  problems  I had with the miscarriage and the back to back D&C´s. The chinese doctor diagnosed me with a cold uterus, which in Chinese medicine means that the blood flow to the uterus was limited.   He has said it has been fixed now, but I would maybe do this also. I will need to discuss with my DH if this is something that we can afford and I need to really think over if I can go under anesthesia again.    The HSG I will do for sure. 
  • Do another sperm analysis which we have not done for over 2 years. 
  • Test for vitamin D.   It has not proven 100%  to affect fertility,  but it would be good to have. 
The game plan if all this testing is OK is to give my body 4 more months on its own and if by then I am not pregnant, then start  inyectables. 

I am to do cycle reviews each month and test the  Estradiol and progesterone in P+7 each month.  

I also can do phone/skype consults as needed with her and  she promised to answer my questions in a couple of days at the most. 

She also said that the most important and certainly the first part of my treatment was asking St. Gianna for her intercession.-The doctor promised to pray for me and told me to start a novena to her,  

Gianna who has been an integral part of my life since my marriage on her feast day and then the birth of my son on the very same day she gave birth seems to be guiding the building of my family through adoption and possibly through Napro now..  

I am so so glad to have done it.  An unexpected gift from Our Lady and St. Gianna.   

Sunday, March 18, 2012

UPDATE: NYC, Gianna center and amazing God incidences

UPDATE:   I have the appointment for tomorrow at 3:15 NY time.!!!!! Yeiiii !!!!!!my very first Napro appointment in over 2 years in person (other than one via phone that was 30 minutes after my miscarriage almost 1 year ago). Since we do not have Napro doctors in Mexico yet (3 will graduate this April finally) this is a very,  very big deal for me.    I am very excited!!!!

I am in NYC this week.   A business trip which I accepted since its a long weekend in Mexico and my DH and my parents could be with Josemaria all of the time.  I just spoke and saw them via Skype and I just can see how happy my parents are to have him for a few days with them.    He is so far the only grandson nearby and  they are so so happy.  They have been preparing for weeks now for his arrival and could not be more excited.  Its really a blessing to have such a family.   My DH is staying with them also so I will most probably will have 2 very spoiled men in my life once I come back.  

Today I was beat after arriving last night and having immigration issues due to an airline mistake  (I will blog about it later).  I basically slept only 4 hours .  I really was thinking about going late in the day to Mass,  but something inside of me told me that I needed to go to Mass at St. Patricks and I looked for the most important one which was 10 a.m Mass and decided to go.

It was so worth it!  I attended Mass  presided by Cardinal himself with an amazing choir and a couple of hours after praying in St Patrick for clarity I think I found it.

I had been to NYC before I guess  3 other  times, but somehow it had lost all  its appeal to me since I started my Napro journey.  I saw it as a place which signified the worst of the culture of death.  After learning that 40% of all pregnancies here end in abortion  and knowing  several people from Mexico that had IVF here (I know of at least 5 cases close to me that had done it in NCY: one has twins after almost dying, one has 2 sets of twins and the rest are failed IVF`s, cases you never hear from people) I really could not shake this feeling.

So I decided to start with Mass and see the other side of the city which I knew existed and  it simply was amazing.  The USA is very blessed to have Cardinal Dolan.  While it has a president that not only is promoting abortion in the USA but in the rest of the world (investments in abortion, forced sterilization in poor countries, etc) on the other side has this amazing Cardinal.   God is very wise, he would not leave his sheep lost before the wolf without a strong sheperd.

Well he started making jokes about  his pink vestments today  and then began speaking about joy. One thing that really struck with me is how much he emphasized the difference between joy and pleasure, one is deep,  one is shallow and that Mother Theresa of Calcuta had said:   Joy is: Jesus first, then the Others, then You.  I really loved it.

After Mass and completely unexpectedly he went right to the back and then came back again on one side.  I was able to see him less than 3 feet from me and I took  a couple of pictures.   I was very,  very happy since I admire his strenght  agains the HHS mandate so much.
Then I visited again the side of St. Patricks where the Virgin of Guadalupe is.  On one side was St. Patrick and on the other was Her.    I was so amazed.   She was filled with flowers (tons and tons) and many  people were praying to Her.  I asked Her to interceed for all bloggers, those still waiting, those pregnant and those already mothers .  I lit a candle for all of you  .

I also prayed again to Her so we could be parents one more time .   I had asked Her in my last visit a few years ago and now again.   And this time I also asked for clarity on next steps.

Afterwards I went walking down 5th avenue and I do not remember if it was on a side street of it or later on 6th avenue,  but as I stopped in front of a stoplight I saw an ad at a bus stop and the word infertility with the IN about to be erased .

The very first thought that came to my mind was:   Another IVF clinic, but NO!!!

 As I looked closer to  it said   Gianna center!!!  I.   Advertising for Napro right in Manhattan´s top streets.

Here is a picture of the ad.  I am super super excited to see marketing for Napro as a marketing person,  as a woman facing IF, as a practitioner.  I really cannot believe I saw this in a city such as NY.   What are the odds??????????

This and Cardinal Dolan gave me so much hope!!!.

I have long admired this center and would love to model what we are trying to do in Mexico after it .  A Catholic health center in a major city.    I had already spoke to the doctor there when we started working to bring Napro to Mexico and she was the nicest doctor ever.

And St. Gianna as I have blogged is very,  very near my heart as   I was married on her feast day and Josemaria was born on the very same day she gave birth.  Amazing God incidences.

And not only that: right now in my room beside me is her biography which just arrived via A.mazon.

Somehow seeing this ad, looking at the book in my room  and specially after praying specifically for a sign made me decide to restart my crazy napro adventures  and what better place than the Gianna center.   I really need to put in order my ideas on what to do next and I know that  the center and Omaha are very connected so this could be God sent.  

After my miscarriage I stopped doing anything crazy and only did very basic Napro.   I stopped all my crazy adventures:   Doing testing on my own, travelling to Omaha without insurance, studying to become a practitioner before even having had a single intro session in my life, etc etc.    But time is short for this 40 year old woman and I really need to feel the peace that I did everything in my power to have another baby.

But I am here in NY and the Gianna center appeared right after I prayed for guidance.   A center called Gianna, such an important saint for me.     Sometimes God needs to hit me on the head.

 Call me crazy,  but  guess who will try to have an appointment with them this week?????

 I might be able to skip a meeting  and go (there were 2 appointments open on Tuesday) and  have my very first napro appointment in person after my miscarriage

and  guess what?  Peak Plus 7 is right around the corner!!!

 I could maybe retake again all my blood  tests of P+7 and  ship them to Omaha.  Something that I could never ever do from Mexico.

I will try to do it tomorrow early. Praying it all works on St Josephs day.  Can you please pray for me?

St Gianna please help
St, Joseph please help.
 Lady of Guadalupe  please help.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

What Chinese Medicine really thinks about IVF

A few months ago I met an amazing doctor who has been helping heal my body after my  miscarriage and  2 back to back D&C´s in late 2010 and today we had an amazing conversation on what Chinese medicine really thought about IVF.

I know very little about him personally only that he is a western trained neurologist who decided to leave everything and study in China for several years Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) , that his office is packed for the next months  (he is packed with some of the richest people in Mexico, yet does not charge a lot for this consults and has so many people in his waiting list that he no longer accepts new patients)  and that he thinks that  IVF is no real medicine.  

 Since my miscarriage over a year ago I had lost all trust in my body and the next months only confirmed that it was badly broken: my  ovulation had moved into CD 20 or much later,  I had limited mucus cycles (in several cycles I was  not even sure when I ovulated ) and  I struggled with tail end brown bleeding for several months (a sign of infection/ inflammation).  All that I did to try to heal it did not work.   For example  the brown bleeding  kept coming back with a vengance even after many rounds of antibiotics  (In the end  my digestion was destroyed and I developed Candida).  

After a friend recommended this doctor very highly to me I decided to see him  to try to gain more health in general  and  after several months of seeing him regularily to fight colds and stress  in November of we discussed that I wanted to go back to TTC.   He said he wanted to solve certain things first and in January really start in earnest.  I had to focus during November and December  on my nutrition, lose some weight and check that the TEBB did not return.  

 Well since February I have had three TTC appoinments which  have been amazing  and today  in the 3rd one we had an eye opening conversation.  

The 3 appointments have had amazing results on my body.   On February 12th  I blogged that    I had not seen a lot of CM for over a year,  but the very next day after my first TTC session  I saw 10 K L and for the next SIX days more of the same,  somedays even all day.  I felt like  15 years old!   During the session I felt very strong energy moving through my body  and actually could feel my ovaries reacting.  It was surreal. 

Then a couple of weeks ago I went for my second TTC appointment and he only said  to expect changes.   I had no idea what he meant, but  this cycle   completely unexpectedly CM made its appereance  on CD 9, when most of the last year it did until CD 17 and the very last cycle my ovulation was on CD 25.     Today he told me that he had wanted to move it earlier since in TCM ovulation around CD 14 and 15 is ideal and that he was very happy this was happening.  I was left speechless.  

 Today in my last appointment  I told him that my  CM has been going  very strong for 3 days now, which is amazing in this infertile 40 year old body.   

Well I commented this to him and told him that even if I did not get pregnant I was happy to be doing this for my body and told him how sad I was seeing so many people being pushed into IVF when this did nothing to heal people.  

 I do not know his religion, nor his views on many things, but he said that IVF was complete nonsense in the Eastern view and began to tell me why.  He said that  true practitioners of Chinese medicine do not believe in IVF and if they say that they do then they are no really practicing Chinese Medicine. 

 IVF went against the core principles of TCM; 

In the Eastern view Nature is all about balance.  Sickness is when we lose this balance and infertility is such a state.  The imbalance can be brought by many things.      For example he told me a lot of IF is because we have filled  our water and animals with hormones   and also we live apart from nature in big crowded cities.  Both things are completly counter nature and break havoc on the delicate balance of energies in the body. 

He explained to me that IVF in term of true  Chinese Medicine is complete nonsense and that he could not understand why some people used accupuncture  to try to have better results in IVF.  

That they actually were incompatible.    That IVF actually brought imbalance in body that clearly was unhealthy and that it could bring dire consequences for the woman on the long term.   This went against all that TCM believed.   

Then he said  in  TCM you cannot not interrupt a natural process such as conception.  Its a natural process in which man has no say.  

He said:   Nature should select the best egg and the best sperm, our bodies were designed for this and when a man in a lab takes this role , there is no way for him to know which one is the best one. 

 He said this will bring tons and tons of issues in the children born from IVF, victims of a system that was designed for money, not true medicine.  

He mentioned that we are only seeing the inmediate results  for example children born from IVF have more than double the birth defects than children born from the sexual union, but we could also expect dire consequences in the later generations.  We are experimenting with life, with nature and you can only expect catastrophe when you do this. 

He then mentioned bees as an example of how nature works.  Chinese medicine compares human conception to the conception of bees.    When mating  the queen moves farther and farther away from the  other bees (not sure of the name in English of the bees that will mate with her) in an effort to test them and that only the best one fertilizes her.  Well its the same way with humans. 

 The strongest sperm are the ones that reach the egg, but in IVF this is completly forced.  Both egg and sperm are not chosen by nature, but by man creating havoc in the delicate balace of life. 

And then he said:    Imagine this. You have this baby and you implant it in a clearly unhealthy body. This should be banned.  

Its so unfair to both mother and child. 

He then said: Doctors have forgotten that first you start with a diagnosis, then you cure and then conception occurrs.  Doing it the other way around is not medicine,   its actually non medicine.  

The way to do it is by bringing balance for the body, curing it.   

I left my appointment with a smile.  All of this, even coming from a non Christian/ Catholic system, makes so much common sense. 

Even if I do not get pregnant again I am so glad to have met him.  A non Napro doctor that believes in the very same things as Napro.  

Diagnosing, curing and then if all is all right conception will ocurr.  True medicine.  

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sometimes IF has very special gifts

 A couple of days ago I wrote about how my heart was broken from seeing a very loved and close family member suffer from IF.   5 years of waiting, tons of insensitive comments from family and friends  and such limited resources here.

 All my hate for this horrible disease came back with a force I could not even believe.

Today I decided to write him a letter about my personal experience with Napro.  I opened completly to him about my pain and my experience with it and what I really thought they should do from all that I had learned over the years of living with it.

 I really did it from the heart and for the first time I opened my heart to my  family about my journey.

 A couple of friends know the details of my journey as well as some clients where I thought it would be of help,  but that is the extent of people I have told in real life  (this is why I consider the blogging community and the yahoo group such great resources and during a long time my only lifeline)

 I basically told him that I thought they should pursue Napro any way they could and that I would do whatever  I could for them.

I thought to myself as was writing this even if I do not have a child here on earth, I will never regret all that I did.

I never compromised my morals, I have a diagnosis, my marriage is much stronger, I have been able to help others through my own pain and several children have been born from this.  As much as I love working in marketing its not even 1 % as satisfactory as this work.

Yet  my humanity gets in the way.  

You see,  I have grown discouraged in seeing so many have success with it and me being one of the few where it seems to have not worked.  

I have grown tired from telling people about this amazing system, when  I do not have a child here on earth.  

I know that this is in a sense incorrect, but..... this is how I feel sometimes.  Maybe a temptation and the bad guy playing with me,  but I cannot deny it.  

 I get discouraged when people tell me to my face: , how can you talk such things about when you have no living children? its extremely painful.  
  The last weeks have been like this. comments and questions from well meaning people telling me directly that I  am making a mistake believing in this.  

This was my mood  when I received a call  today from this family member. .

 I never expected what would happen next.

He  just called telling me he and his wife  had  talked and wanted me to teach them ,  this coming from perhaps the most private man I know.  Its  almost a miracle.  He said he trusted me and wanted me to help them.

I almost cried.  Its such an honor for such a great man to open his heart to me.  I could help my own family.

I went to Omaha to find answers for me without really thinking about anything else.  I did not know  why I wanted to become a practitioner,  I had never ever met one in real life, I had never had the intro session nor had charted correctly, yet somehow God put this desire in my heart.  

And due to the encouragement of many wonderful people I went and became a practitioner.

 One of those people  was TCIE and  I also have been inspired over the years in communicating this to others  by people  such as Polkadot  (your blog has such amazing info!!!)..

I never imagined I would be in a position to help several friends, or be witness to several children being born to couples that had faced IF for years and now today  being in a position to help a person from my own family whom  I love very,  very much..  

Had it now been for my own IF I would not be in a position to help others.

I really needed to be reminded of this.  Specially in the last weeks where I have grown so tired.

Sometimes the cross of IF has such unexpected gifts.  

Friday, March 2, 2012

I hate IF with all my might

Just as a few months ago I had the opportunity to see the other side of  adoption helping a 16 year old girl in a crisis pregnancy,  now after suffering 5 years of If I get to see  a very loved family member suffer it in silence.

It is like a mirror of my own pain.

And not really knowing how to help, how to be there.  Feeling so useless.

Today I hate IF more than ever.     A person that I love very much I going through it and suffering in silence the complete lack of understanding by family, friends and society.

My heart breaks for them in a  million pieces.

I have had many clients facing IF, some have gotten pregnant, some have a diagnosis, some continue charting  and others have left CrMS for other systems and in a couple of cases I suspect even I.VF.

I have been able to handle most of this with peace, yet today my heart is broken for this couple  knowing full well what they are facing.

The person that called me today to ask for help is  a very close and loved family member.  I grew up with him.

He is an amazing man., a practicing Catholic, very succesful, hard driven, extremely private, loves children  and devoted to his wife and parents.  One of a kind.

He married an amazing woman 5 years ago, a few days before I got married.  They both met at their MBA program and she decided to stay in Mexico city, very far away from her family to be with him,  My family in a sense has become her family.

They  got married and decided to wait one year  to start a family using Billings.   Then she was diagnosed with a  disease  where she had to take medicines for one year and not get pregnant in order not to put the  baby in danger.   It was an extremely hard situation for both since they had wanted to start a family almost at the very same time  she was diagnosed.  They took it in stride and decided to start building everything for their future children .

They designed and built a beautiful house.  Saved so she could stay at home when the time came and then she quit her job to concentrate on family.

During this time they saw from afar  me and my DH suffering.  I cried in front of him several times and he did not know how to console me, but was there for me.

After this year  of waiting due to medical reasons  they started trying for a family  and after another year suspecting that they were facing issues conceiving I gave them my books on CrMS and the  Na.protechnology revolution.  I talked about several success cases, etc, but did not want to put pressure on them. .

What makes it very hard to believe what I say about Napro is that  I am seen by everybody as an unsuccesful patient of it.

I do not have a biological child  on earth so my recommendation of the system comes without proof  and the system is unknown here.   There are just a handful of children born from it  here  and there are no blogs  nor Catholic If community.    Sometimes I feel like I am talking about a fantasy and that people look at this crazy unfertile woman talk  about something that clearly did not function for her.

Since they were not ready to pursue working with PPVI and I suspect they did not believe me about Napro they decided to go to the best Catholic Gynecologist here to whom I refered them to.   He, a very very good man and renowed doctor, did what most doctors do with the  difference that he does not do anything against Church teaching.  Told them to be patient, to relax and to start some  basic testing.  A cookie cutter approach that I also tried with him with no success.

I cannot blame this doctor, he does as he was taught.

About a year and a half  later  she got pregnant, but sadly miscarried at 9 weeks and after this another year and a half no pregnancies.

During this time I had the opportunity to attend several  family events   and while my family has been extremely prudent, hers has not.

 One day her mother came to visit and said in front of everybody: " this is the last time that I come to visit you where you do not have children.  The next time I expect you to be at least pregnant"

How I did not hit that woman I do not know.   I am glad  her DH did not hear it.   My heart broke for her and I could see the hurt in her eyes

It is specially difficult since her sister has 6  children and always is talking about her ability to get pregnant on the very first try.   I cannot imagine surviving  of with a sister like that.

And time and time again I have heard them being asked:  when  are you having children?  why are you waiting?, the kind that makes an If sufferer cringe.

I had to remain silent while I saw all of this.  He is so private that the 2 or 3 times  I tried to  bring the subject up he changed it and I decided to let him  set the pace.

But today, completly out of the blue,  he called me while I was in the office and asked me for help .

He wanted the  name of any napro doctor here.  Being so private I know it must have taken him months of thinking this over to do it or something really bad must have happened.

He told me his wife was taking  all of this it OK and was positive (I am not so sure), but he was not, actually he was doing very badly,  and that the comments from friends and family  were getting to be extremely painful and that they were even getting pressured into IVF.(which I am sure they will never do) .

 He let me see the extent of his pain and this brought back a flood of  memories.

 I almost cried right there in the office.

I told him that they needed to start charting  and he answered:  we have charted for 5 years already!

 I could feel his desperation.

Then came the subject of who would teach them.  They would not like for me to teach them since we are family  and I completly understand, so again I need to look from afar and only accompany them through prayer.

 I can only refer to him 2 doctors in the whole country and only one in Mexico city, who will finish her studies this April   Both with almost no Napro experience.

 I  told him I would consult with the local doctor, but also with PPVI.   He  said they were not ready for the USA, but would consider it in the near future.

I truly pray these doctors can help them.

The road they face after 5 years of If and yearning for a family will not be an easy one, specially with almost no resouces  here.   I breaks my heart, yet I need to be strong for them ,

All afternoon I felt such sadness which I could not shake.  

Today I truly and absolutely hate IF with all my heart.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Update on life and TTC again

The last weeks I have been challenging, not really in a bad way, but  more in an exhausting kind of way (not sure if its correct English, but my mind is not working correctly right now).

I really  need to be patient in this adaptation process.  A trip to Argentina (9 hour plane trip), learning a very challenging job, managing a teething baby,  family requests for time, managing my home  and back to TTC:  all at the same time.    

Everyday I read the blogs on my phone while getting ready for work, but I have a really hard time posting from the phone  and  I do not have a lot of privacy nor time in the office to do it as before.   My days are packed trying to be  the best mother, wife, worker, practitioner, daughter, etc  I can.   I know it will get better as I can start implementing more systems and also learn more about my job, but I cannot say it has been easy at all.

The company I work for is known for  hiring  very bright young people (Ivy league with great grades) and they are extremely fast, competitive and work very long hours. I am older  (average age in my office must be around 30)  and have other priorities (like leaving early to be with my son and  theirs are advancing their careers)  so I need to accomplish the same in much fewer hours.  The mental challenge is huge.  

  I  can clearly see that I can do a lot of good with my job right now,  but also later, like help ONG´s get online  and also help to communicate  Napro via the many online options I am learning (everyday I get tons  ideas on how to do it and look forward to the day when I can apply this).

  My priest tells me often that we need more Catholics in these types of jobs and I agree, still its not easy.  Whenever I get down I think about this.

I actually feel terrible for not commenting   on the blogs as I did in the past (I actually comment each and every post I read on my mind and pray often about many of you),  about not posting more often, for sometimes forgetting to buy certain things for the house, etc.,   but I also know that its a phase and that I cannot ask more of myself now.  But a perfectionist is always a perfectionist.

My schedule is like this:
Wake up at 6 a.m .   Dress, breakfast and say good day to Josemaria and DH. My DH dresses Josemaria and spends the next 2 hours with him playing, giving him breakfast , etc.
7:15 to 7:30 leave for work.   My plan is to attend daily Mass as soon as I can. There  are many churches near the office with very early masses. The blessing of a Catholic country.
Work extremely hard (with almost no breaks) from 8 to:
Mondays 3:30 leave  early for momy and son class-
Tuesdays: leave at 4 to pick Josemaria up from father in law house where he spends lunch with cousins and aunts
Wednesday  and Thursday: leave work  4:30/ 5.
Friday leave at 3 and spend all afernoon with him at home.   The plan is Fridays to do home office.
When I arrive home I play with Josemaria for one hour or more., give him his bath and play with him for about 30 minutes (he loves to play in the tub). then give him dinner and then prepare him  for bed reading to him and  after he falls asleep at 7 to 7:30 I  connect back to the computer to finish the things I was not able from the office , to give long distance CrMS sessions or answer client questions.

My DH arrives at 9 and we spend some time together and then I  fall asleep exhasuted at 10 p.m
Weekends have been spent catching up with family and errands.

A few weeks ago I traveled a  few days  to Buenos Aires for work.   The first time ever I would be away from Josemaria more than a few hours. My mom convinced me to accept the trip (my boss gave me the option of not traveling)  and while it was  very difficult I am now glad I did.

My parents live about 40 minutes from me and Josemaria is the only grandchild  that lives nearby.  My sister lives near Cancun and even if she comes to Mexico city often and many times stays weeks at a time with her children at their house its really no the same thing.

I grew up very,  very close to my maternal grandparents, even though they lived in a city 6 hours away from mine.   We spent all Christmases, Easters and Summer vacation with them in their house. Actually well into adulthood I looked forward to spending all my holidays with them.  Nothing could equal this.      I loved them profoundly and want Josemaria to have this also.  

My parents offered to take care of Josemaria for those days (actually they almost pressured me to travel so they could spend this time with him!!!!!!!).  My DH went to stay with them also  and arrived each night from work so he could sleep with Josemaria and he would wake him up  and spend a few hours in the morning with him, give him breakfast and play with  him.   Then Josemaria spent the day with my parents and also with his aunt (my brothers wife) who came to visit each day for a couple of  hours . He was surrounded by love the whole time.  Each day I Skyped for about 30 minutes and saw him, discussed with my parents his day and sang (very badly) many songs to him.

This time  while difficult for me I think was a gift since Josemaria grew much closer to them.  He actually jumps excitedly  when he sees my dad coming,  now feels right at home in their house and my parents have even asked me when I will travel again since they are looking so much forward to spending more time with him.

Now my mom calls me each day and we discuss in a way that we did not before his day , she tells me what she saw those days and gives me advice and wants to know each detail now with the experience of having him spend a 6 days with them.   this changed dramatically with the stay.   The true gift of a close knit family.   I never appreciated it so much until now.

On the TTC side things are much better.  My fear of another pregancy/miscarriage has diminished and I actually in my heart truly want to give it another 2 years of trying before quitting forever.

I am not looking forward to more exams and blood draws and having to work long distance with PPVI (its a nightmare from Mexicoi)  but I want to have the peace in my heart that I gave it another chance .

.  I have had 2 laps, done all the blood work, done the U/S series, done diet modification, taken tons of supplements, taken a fertility  retreats, done maya massage,  done so many novenas  I cannot even count the, .

 I will go back to the same regime I was doing when I got pregnant (napro, accupuncture, diet and relaxation) and also have another phone consult with Dr. H and see what he says, but other than this I have run out of ideas.

 My last  TTC   post was about my vist to the accupuncurist a couple of weeks ago.  Well I had SIX days of 10 KL!  Like I had not seen in years.  AF arrived a couple of days ago (actually we did not use the days of fertility as we  should have so I  kind of expected it ),  but I felt a profound internal shift.   I stoped seeing  my body as that of an older woman that had lost her fertility after her miscarriage as I had been lately, but as a woman that still had normal cycles and a strong desire to be a mother again.

So back to TTC this cycle.   I just hope to have the energy to do it.