Saturday, July 9, 2011

P+17, confusion and fear

So many feelings.

I hate it when my body plays tricks. I am still an infertile at heart even while waiting for our adoption.

Friday was P+16 when normally AF shows up. Well it did not.

All day I waited and nothing.

Since I have been on HCG it has always shown up on time CD 15 or 16, like clock work during almost 2 years.

Before HCG my luteal phase was 10 to 13 days so 17 days of luteal phase is extremely rare in me. The only exception in my whole life was when I got pregnant.

And Saturday was P+17 and still no AF all morning. I did not know what to think or feel.

All my symptoms were confusing. No breast pain like I normally have right before my period, I was dead tired and weepy, with some sharp pains in the right side.

My belly had been giving me some trouble in the last days, but tiredness was the most important. I was barely able to keep awake. Today I woke up at 10 a.m, something that never happens.

I had all kinds of thoughts:
I am pregnant and we will not be able to adopt since the agency does not give babies to pregnant women (my heart broke)
I am pregnant and this is a tubal pregnancy since it hurts so much. The pain was not the normal AF one.
I am not pregnant and never will be again (also my heart broke)
I am pregnant and I will lose the baby again
I am not pregnant and the acupuncture did this. Since it changed my ovulation date from DC 18 to 20 (on average for the last 4 years) to CD 14 maybe it made my progesterone so strong that here I am CD 17!

The crazy mind of an IF woman.

I had an appointment later in the with the amazing accupuncturist, yet decided to test and get it over with and it was negative.

I cannot deny that my IF heart felt sad, but most of all from seeing my DH face.

In these 4 years I had only tested 4 times so have only done it when I truly beleived that I was pregnant. This was a very big deal.

My Dh knew that AF was delayed and had hope. He is totally excited about the adoption and would be completly content with us having only an adoptive family, but these things play with your heart.

2 babies in one year!!!! wow!!! We would love nothing more of course knowing full well that I am 40 and time will run out soon for a pregnancy.

My DH manages my chart. He is the one that puts the stamps, asks me everyday my symptoms and sometimes even reminds me to take my medicines. So he knew something was off. Way off.

Yet I focused on our coming adoption and the pain was much less and I even could smile and say that it was for the best as we could adopt, yet I hated having to go through this. That my body played this trick on us.

Then I had my acupuncture appointment ( the doctor is so commited that he has Saturday´s appointments from 8 a.m to 7 p.m and filled back to back) and I tell him what had happened. That it was CD 17 and nothing.

He explained that antibiotics can do this to you. He explained to me that since they destroy all the good flora you can get air bubbles in the body and inflammation and that many times this happens . Without me telling him where it hurt he touched me and showed where it should hurt and it was the exact same point. I screamed.

The location was between the ovary and the endometrium/ uterus. I do not have the exact words to explain it, but he explained something like air is trapped there and does not permit that AF come on time.

He put needles on my abdomen and told me that I needed to detox from all the antibiotics.

I agree 100% with him. This part about Napro I hate. 21 days of antibiotics for I think the 3rd time. All after my D&C to fight the Tail end brown bleeding I developed afterwards.

I told him that the last time I had candida. Horrible. And now my digestion was complelty off.

When will my body feel normal again? arghh!

He told me that there was a natural cure and to start right after I finish with this round of antibiotics.

Its called Tibicos mushrooms and he gave me three bottles to drink. I just googled it and there is a lot of info out there, not all very scientific, but a lot of people swear by it and the drink is produced in a factory so I am not too concerned. He said that in China and India he had seen miracle cures with them regarding candida.

Then he started speaking about fear. Yep, fear. Emotions in chinese medicine are realted to health and related to specific organs and he could feel it in my energies.

He mentioned to me that he thought that I had a lot of fear and that this was the only thing truly hurting my health.

Fear of getting pregnant again. That I was actually terrified.

Scared that I might lose another pregnancy and go through the 3 months of Hell that I went through afterwards. 3 hospital stays, 2 D&C´s and 4 days in the hospital with extreme bleeding, pain and contractions is something I do not wish to even my worst enemy. But the very worst ever: losing your baby after such a long battle.

He is so very, very right! I am SCARED.

He mentioned again that he thought that my only problem had been the blood flow and that it was cured. That Napro had cured me and that he actually thought I was an extremely healthy individual.

He mentioned if you are scared you will block all your hormones and will not lose weight since its a defence mechanism (my case it seems) and also not get pregnant.

He also thought that I was scared about the adoption. How I would handle it with a job? That all would be well? That maybe my miscarriage was a signal that I was not to be a mother at all? Scared about being a mother at 40?

I think he is unto something important since I could feel it in my heart. I have fear of all of the above, but specially the 40 part.

Then he mentioned that in China there is no age limit to motherhood other than menopause. That this is a creation by the IVF industry and Western medicine.

That women can go on to have healthy children up to a few months before menopause. The only real age limit is to men at 70. After this age Chinese medicine says men should not have children, but for women is highly individual and I had no signs of menopause anytime soon.

Menopause was nature´s signal that the body had closed this cycle, but only until then in somce cases well into the 50´s

We even mentioned a Mexican tribe that has their second round of childen in their 50´s called Huichole´s.

He also mentioned that motherhood in the 40´s is a gifts and I should see it as such. Thad adoptive or biological motherhood at 40 is completly different than at a younger age and much to be valued. In China it was when mothers were at their best.

Since I really felt he was unto something very important I know I need to refocus again on prayer and giving this waiting time to God. Let go of fear.

If I only knew how.


  1. ;(

    This fear is so hard. Praying for it all to be taken from you.

  2. Sorry, you are having so much fear. Praying that you'll find peace soon.

  3. Praying for your fears & for peace. I do LOVE the remark by your accupuncturist that motherhood in the 40's in China is when mothers are their BEST. Believe in this! Believe God will cover you.

  4. I'm sorry its so stressful for you. You always have a lot going on, which is stressful enough. But the potential of a period that doesn't come, which brings you the hope of a pregnancy, only to have this fear, no wonder you are stressed to the max. I'll be keeping you in prayer for peace.
    Thanks also for the info on candida with the Tibicos mushrooms, as I think that's something I will look into.

  5. I am sorry that you had such a let down. HUG
    I also liked learning about the mothers in China. You will be a great mother because of your wisdom and experiences.

  6. I know the feeling when AF is late...that negative test is such a downer. I too only test when I think something is REALLY up...I hate that disappointment. I continue to pray for you, friend!

  7. I understand this level of fear. {{{Hugs}}} I'm praying for you and your family.

  8. Praying for you. I am so terribly sorry you hopes were raised and your dh's as well.

  9. Oh, the complicated layers of emotions IF causes. Praying that you can sort through them and find peace.