The wait

I am bad at waiting and 4 years of IF has not made me a more patient person. I need to feel that I am doing something, yet this is not what life is putting in front of me right now. My Martha against my Mary.

This is Mary time.

We are now just waiting and praying for all to be well with our adoption.

Not knowing when the baby will come, the sex, the age is killing me.

I cannot plan most details since we do not know the age. In our adoption group they have received babies from 2 months up to 10 months. The normal is 2 to 3 months, but you never know and specially with DH and I being a minority here. We do not know if we will be asked to travel to bring the baby home, when they will call us and how much time we will have to go and pick the baby up.

In the last 4 years I always felt that we were doing something to build our family by having to do mountains of tests, paperwork, clases for adoption or fertility treatments, etc. I felt like I was doing something, even if I did not control the outcome.

Now its only waiting.

We have the baby room almost ready. My sister sent us the crib and several gifts, we have bought new curtains, we have repaired the furniture, we have attended 2 baby fairs where we have bought the basics, the wife of DH brother sent me boxes of baby things (most I will need to donate), some friends have loaned me things that you only use for a few months, etc.

Since we do not know the age nor sex I cannot buy too many things now and most people are waiting for the baby to come to give us gifts.

We have told the closest to us and answered all their questions.

I have read and reread the baby and adoption books that we bought.

We have prayed many Novenas for this baby and the biological mother.

Now I feel there is only the wait.

Maybe this is why I need to focus on my health so much. I need a distraction. I need to feel like I am doing something to prepare, not to go crazy.

Out of our group of 12: Four have babies already, 3 have been put on the waiting list and will have to go through counseling or classes (a record) and then 5 of us are still waiting. The wait could mean just a few days more or several months even.

Its killing me.

Today I was given a very important project at work, a global one, but my heart is not here anymore. Also my boss has asked me to think a lot about the possibility of moving to an overseas assignment in Germany.

Yet I find it very hard to concentrate on this. It seems so unimportant right now.

I am a Martha and I am being asked to be Mary right now. To sit and listen to God and be sure that all will be OK without any effort on my part.

That the baby that comes to our family is the one that He intended for us without any effort. To let God be God.

Its so very hard for me.