I really did not want to do it and I have been stalling about it (I do not want to lose this community and fear that this will happen once I go private, I did not want to offend people that I have asked not to read this and they continue, etc) , but at the very same I find myself guarding my thoughts, not writing all that I want, etc for many months now.
And so this blog loses its purpose as an outlet for me and to be able to connect to those that face the same things that I am facing and help them in any way that I can.
This blog community helped me to keep my sanity during the worse times of my life .
Nobody else that I knew in real life understood what I was going through trying to and knew about it. And I wanted to keep it that way.
What has happened is that too many people that know IRL now know about this blog, but not only this now also some of their friends know because they told them and so it goes.
I have never told people the name of my blog, but since they knew that I had one and was part of this community (I recommended it to several people to help them) I was very easy to find as the only Mexico member.
But not only this, they told people that knew me to read it which never was my purpose. I know it was not with a bad intention, but this made me consider closing the blog for good which I also do not want.
So what happened is that I started writing less, sometimes not even telling all that I wanted and doing blog posts on my mind that I never wrote.
As we start the adoption proceedings in the next days and many major decisions that I have not blogged about I really want to go back to writing regularly about this road and not guard my thoughts and feelings all the time, yet not lose this community.
So going private and only being read by members of this community or long time readers is what I need to do .
Just an example yesterday we went to our adoption agency and the news are not good.
The waiting time has increased dramatically (from today it can be more than 18 months), there are some expenses that are completely new and the time commitment it will take is enormous that with a baby, full time work and the biological road still open.
Just an example:
- One weekend course on parenting (4 full days)
- 12 night sessions on religion (yep, they are so worried about preparation the parents that are raising these babies that they made this mandatory. The irony is that both my DH and I have many times taught these same classes)
- 8 sessions on bioethics so they waiting parents do not do IVF on the side and can become ambassadors for a culture of life, etc. (the agency has seen as sharp increase in waiting parents also doing IVF on the side so they have recently instituted this)
- Donation of 12 hours service time to the agency
- Plus the normal dozens of hours of paper work.
I understand the reasons of all of this, but it cannot come at a worse time.
I want to blog about the details of my visit yesterday to the agency, all my feelings about all of this, etc but I cannot do it knowing all the people that will read it.
Also last night as I was talking with my DH that we will need to focus dramatically in our personal lives and I want to be able to write about all of this again.
1) an adoption process and our agency is very well known here
2) I only have limited fertility time left so we will need to do it a a 100% or not do it at all
3) I need to work full time and due to our situation I cannot risk to deliver at 50% (also my company is very demanding and extremely well known) and I want to combine motherhood well with this
5) My role as a practitioner and what my next steps with Napro here
4) We have some personal challenges that I have not blogged about.
I really do not how this going private thing works (I have tried to follow several that have done it to no avail. Its ironic since blogger is part of my company =( ). but I will do it in the coming days.
I want to come back to blogging from my heart again =)