Wednesday, August 8, 2012

So many emotions

The last couple of weeks have been full of emotions and I am drained.

Horrible news from a dear friend, the reality of the lack of a job from my DH (still nobody in our families knows, since there has not been even the chance),  and changes in my job from all fronts, plus the advice of a dear priest ... lets say its a lot to handle.

I am simply drained and things do not seem will get easier in the next weeks.  So many things out of the ordinary happening at the very same time its really incredible and hard to handle emotionally.

As I blogged last week I received news that one of my clients was experiencing one of very worst  things I could ever imagine for someone.   This has been constantly in my mind and I have not been able to distance myself from it as perhaps I should.

It hit too close to home.

The diagnosis  that their baby will die shortly after birth from lack of development of the lungs (due to a birth defect) has been confirmed by several doctors now and the only thing is to wait for the baby to be born only to die almost immediately.  The ethical  thing to do in this case is only to give warmth to the baby and  slowly let him die.   There is nothing else to do and the more things the doctors do will only extend his agony.   I even hard a hard time writing this.

But I feel this is the only place where I can truly express what I feel at this time and that the least I could do for them is be there.

All of this, the calls with the doctors and  reading the emails trying to get them help has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Shaken me to the core.

I have no idea how nurses and doctors do it.

Why does God asks anybody to face IF? I have no idea, but I have come to a place of acceptance after years of fighting it.

But face IF and miscarriage  , as I have,  I still have a very hard time accepting. I know its a process, but one that has taken me a long time to at least handle with peace.

But then face IF for years, then miscarriage and now  the death of a child right after birth like this couple will  I cannot comprehend.    I have tried praying about it and I am still in shock.   I really cannot even utter the right words to God.

Then of course is the stress of my DH lack of job.  We have not been able to talk in depth about next steps.  He is still  going to the office to deliver the last part of his projects and when we have had the time  we have preferred to spend playing with Josemaria and having some quiet days at home.

Our families still do not know it and I prefer it like this for now.  I cannot handle right now their worries and inquiries.

All of this has been going on a the same  time  my boss has been away from the office for  2 weeks vacation and  everything at work explodes.

He left me in charge while he was gone and so this  is an  added responsibility and while he was away   they asked me to  grow my department 4 fold  (I had to call him in the middle of his vacation to tell him) and I now need to hire 2 more people in the next days.

I will finally have a team in place as they had promised me, but the ramp  up is truly scary.  I am not sure how I will handle the coming weeks, choosing 2 new people, teaching them, etc while doing the normal job.    Once I have it in place it means I will have some more flexibility like the plan always was, but getting there will be tough.

And  the irony of things.

Out of the blue I receive a call  from a top company (A.pp..le) and 2 head hunters call me offering me great positions, all in 3 days.    

This is when I most would like to work less and spend more time with Josemaria.    Instead of feeling flattered, I felt so much pressure....

Why these offers do not come to all of those in need of a job I have no idea.

These days I really do not understand life.

I already  had the interview  by the top company and its clear its not something that I need or want right now.    I still have to write the letter telling them no thanks in the best manner possible  even though they were super positive to me  (I would have never ever imagined saying no to such a company, but it was very clear this position was not compatible with a family at all and this made the choice very clear)

And this is  not all on the job front..... last week I receive an updated version of my company HR  policies.   I search for maternity leave in the case of adoption and I see one month.  ONE .

When I was recruited the policy said 5 months and this was a very important point in my decision and now only one?   how did that happen?

Well my heart sank and I had to reread the policy many times over.  

How in the world would I mange  in a case of adoption?  Return to work full time after only one month?  Biological maternity leave  is 5 months, but this is nothing.  

My time home with Josemaria  for 5 month was so precious that reading this almost made me cry.   I know we would survive, but its really pathetic.

I write to HR and today I have a call with them.  

The policy for Latin America used to be exactly the same as the one in the USA which is 5 months of fully paid maternity leave, but in their efforts to follow local laws and have clearer policies they have done local policies which match almost exactly local laws.  

So Brasil has 5 months maternity leave as part of their laws, Argentina 3 and Mexico NOTHING.

 The  adoption maternal leave  law  has been stuck in the congress for years now so nothing exists.

So the company rather than give nothing in Mexico says they will give in the case of us one month which is more than the law states.  

And the irony...... the only person in the region that  has ever asked about maternity leave in cases of adoption is me .   The poor girl from HR did not really know what to tell me,  only that I was her only case  asking about adoption and that she felt terrible for me.  

So she has asked me to submit a case in the next days for a board to review this and  in case they could consider changes this could  become applicable next year in case we were to adopt.  Arghhhh!

As its normal with me  when stress hits  I have been lacking in prayer and have been again too much Martha.   I truly need to be more Mary....

Since I know this is not right I  went to confession about it last Sunday  and the priest who knows me very well asked me to consult with my normal  confessor about his advice which was:

Focus mostly on my marriage which he felt was being threatened by too many things at once  (while we are  not having marital issues, he felt they would come soon),  focus on keeping my job as a way to provide for my family and then our quest for additional children via adoption or biological .   He felt very strongly that I should not do any work for Napro for now.

He says its simply too much facing the situation I am in now at home and starting an adoption process.   He wants me to go on a retreat and do the minimal outside of my family and work.  

I still do not know what I think about it, but I promised to speak to my confessor and be open about his advice.   Lets say that his advice rather than give me peace only added to the many emotions I am feeling.


  1. I can imagine that this is all a lot to handle, just remember that God won't give you more than you can handle, even when (maybe especially when) you want to shake your fist and scream at the heavens. I've been saying a novena for you and for your client. God bless you during this difficult time of change.

  2. oh my goodness! So many things on your plate. I pray the burdens might be lifted and decisions made clear.

    I am in agony of the little baby. Please keep us posted. I will pray that whenever the end comes that it is peaeful and merciful.

  3. I am praying for you as well as for the family you spoke of, truly a heartbreaking situation. God is with you during this stressful time, lean on him for your strength. God bless you.

  4. Wow- lots of options floating around in your life right now. Your priest sounds very wise. I am praying for the baby and his parents...and you. God has the perfect plan for you!!

  5. I'm praying for baby Francisco and for his parents still. It is truly heartbreaking and you are right, I don't know how nurses and doctors do it.
    I am so sorry about how stressful work is. I understand a little about everything exploding, but not about hiring 2 new people in mere days. Ugh! And your maternity policy ... wow ... really??? That is terrible! I hope that your case will be accepted for the 5 month leave.
    Prayers going up for you daily!

  6. Wow, that is so much to deal with. You are in my prayers!

  7. Sounds like your plate is really full. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Peace be with you.

  8. You continue to be in my prayers. I know that the Lord is going to lead you through this!