The last weeks as I blogged have been very hectic, some of the most difficult weeks in terms of professional challenges in my whole life and I feel I am a terrible mother.
In my mind I know its just a phase, that this will pass, still the feeling that I go to bed at night is one of guilt.
Basically I am leaving home around 7:15 a.m. giving Josema a kiss good bye and leaving him with my DH until his nanny arrives. From 8 a.m to 5/ 6 pm is non stop work (by non stop I literally mean non stop, eating in 20 minutes, forgetting to go to the bathroom, having simlutaneous meetings, etc), I arrive dead tired to give Josema a bath (sometimes I do not even arrive for this) give him dinner, and then off to bed for him to pray and read books. Basically one hour and a half hours a day of motherhood and then I connect again to do all the pendings of the day.
Josema spends many hours with his dad and our nanny, both of whom he loves to pieces. Our nanny is an amazing blessing, brings him gifts each week, prays with him and I see Josema thriving, yet every week I miss of spending more hours with him and I feel bad because right now he is preferring his dad over me many times over. .
Having fought so hard for motherhood these were not my plans. The first 5 months at my new job I truly had the flexibility to be a mother, spending many days at home, leaving early and even going to baby classes with him, but as I mentioned right now its barely enough.
I know this shall pass, just it sucks right now.
The circumstances are extreme, not planned at all by my company and boss.
I am not sure how I will mange at this pace in the next 2 months being also a mother.
Basically I have been given 3 people to report to me, given the money to do 3 times the work, but the people are not yet in place so all is falling on my shoulders right now. One of them arrives end of September , another I have yet to find and I am teaching a great girl the basics of marketing. She does not come from a marketing background, but its extremely bright so I hope she can truly help me in the next weeks-
And my extended team is in crisis and some of their work comes to me. My boss has 2 currently pregnant women and one in maternity leave and we are only 7 persons!
Just my luck. All three women from the original team are pregnant or have been pregnant in the last 2 months. Of 3 , 3 and 2 are leaving very soon with one still on maternity leave. What are the odds that this infertile woman is surrounded by them?
We are in a space with four desks and guess who is in the middle?
and more to come...
In the 2nd week of October my team hosts an event for more than 5000 persons and 3rd week of October we host 50 persons from the LATAM team in Mexico for 3 days shock full of activities . Lets say all September and October we will work at a pace that could kill anybody. My boss just a few hours ago told me he never ever had this much pressure .
And all my thoughts come back to an amazing, beautiful little 15 month old boy and my heard breaks.
Any advice by anybody that has faced this? How do you forgive yourself when things such like this get out of control and you just have to face the crisis, but at the same time you are a mother?
Weekends are 100% dedicated to family and specially Josema right now, yet I feel like this is still not enough.
Perhaps we can offer our exhaustion and guilt (mine being wifely guilty) up for each other in this common time of our lives? I am somehow functioning at work this morning after finishing work at 4:30pm, getting home for a quick dinner, then out again for rehearsal with my singing group until 10pm last night... and up again at 5:15am. I think I'm mentally asleep... which probably isn't a good thing.
ReplyDeleteWhen your body needs sleep and recharging, it needs it. I hope we both get that, and soon!!
This is my first time commenting but the holy spirit is moving me to write to you as I can certainly relate!
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a wonderful mother! The fact that you are feeling this way is a testament that your priority is your family.
Whatever your circumstances are, I assume you need to work now, it is ok to do what you need to do. You just spend as much Quality time with your baby and make it count. He will feel the love!
I had the same issues when my two kids were babies - work work work. However, I prayed and prayed hard for years (my babies are in elementary school now) and we were able to make changes that allowed one of us (me!) to be home with the kids now. In my opinion, when kids are in elementary school that's when they need us so much- when they listen and can grasp so many things(before they become teenagers!) My new work arrangement is temporary but was gladly accepted by my company because of all the years of hard work and dedication.
So in conclusion :)
You are a wonderful mom!
Make every moment spent with your son count!
Pray pray pray so that God can enlighten you and your family on where you need to be. You'll see an answer soon enough :)
Blessings!
RosieB
I'm sure some fathers feel this way too, as they miss out on their children's lives, but in a different way than moms do. I take my son to daycare and he is there from 8-5:30. We spend time in the AM for maybe an hour and then from 5:30 - 8 (bedtime) we spend together.
ReplyDeleteI do feel guilty for not giving up work and staying at home, but we need the income. You are providing the income for your family. It is needed. You are doing good FOR Josemaria, but not being physically with him.
I like to wait for chores, bills, etc and do those after my son goes to bed. It makes for a long night sometimes, but I spend 100% of the time I have with him, being with him ... playing, bathing, etc.
Do what you can ... give him your all, but also don't do too much where you wear down too much. If a night doesn't go as planned (bathtime), make it a priority the next night. It is SOOOO hard to be a working mom.