I had an amazing confesion last Sunday, I really needed it and it was God sent at the very start of Holy Week.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions, all of them important and there is only so much time.
So many expectations, but the worst come from me. I am an achiever and have seldom failed at the things I really put my mind to so being mediocre at things that are important to me drives me crazy.
This is one of my worst faults and sins.
These are the things that I have been thinking over and over at night in the last weeks:
- I am a mother with an 11 month old baby that needs me.
- I am a wife and I have not focused on my marriage as I should in the last months
- I am daughter with elderly parents (and a dad that just recovered from cancer)
- I am a daughter in law with an elderly father in law that depends a lot on my DH and I
- I am also a woman that needs to work to suplement his DH income in order to have a decent life. I currently have a very, very, very demanding full time job until I get the hang of it and hire some help
- I am a practitioner with tons of clients that have no other help in Latin America (I have clients in several countries). Several do not speak English well so I am also their translator.
- I am a 40 (almost 41 year old ) infertile that needs for her own peace give Napro a last chance and in order to do so needs to restart testing and treatment. This is another full time job as I need to do it long distance since we still have very limited local resources. .
- I am also a Napro advocate in my country. Not to go into too much detail, but my email keeps overflowing from requests.
- And last, but not least, this month we restart our adoption journey with all the paper work this entails. .
All of this has been giving me anxiety and when anxiety hits its a sign I need to step back and review things. Many nights I have not been able to sleep well due to this. To me all of this is very very important.
In my confesion I mentioned to the priest that I felt pulled into so many directions. with very big expectations on all sides (specially regarding my work with Napro and my new job) , that I was having a hard time praying and that I was not being the nicest person to those closest to me. i felt terrible about not dedicating my time to working with Napro as I had in the past.
He listened with great patience to my confession and asked me first to read Ecclesiastes and meditate on it. On there being a time for everything.
Then he said:
There is a very clear hierarchy and if you follow it you will have your priorities straight. You might have to give up things that seem or are very, very good, but at this time God is asking something very different from you.
It does not matter if you work for the world, when you are not focusing on those closest to you.
First of all is God. And you need to make Him your priority, as Mary did.
Second is your marriage, this is your second priority as its your vocation.
Third comes your son and your family building efforts (Adoption and your Napro treatment).
Since your job supports both your marriage vocation and your son and your possible adoption/ Napro treatment this comes 4th.
If your job was only for your personal development it would be another story, but since you need it to help support your family. your future adoption and your Napro treatment then its part of your vocation. Your job is also an occasion for santification even if its for a corporation. Maybe God precisely wanted you to be there to be salt.
Then come your parents.
All the rest you can leave for later.
If you focus on this order all will be well. You will have your priorities as God wants.
I came out of the confession feeling like a weight had been lifted from me.
I had been feeling terrible for not giving all my time to building Napro as I had done in the past or by taking longer in answering to my clients or by telling several I could not accept them at this time or by focusing so much in the last weeks on my work. I felt like I was failing everybody.
If God wants you to work for Napro he will give you the means to do it, until then you are building a new professional path which is for your own family.
Your professional path is a means towards something, not an end in itself so its very good.
Do not see it as bad since its not Catholic, or does not help people directly like Napro. Give yourself time and see it as something that God is calling you to do right now.
As for Napro you have done a lot and its time maybe to step back for a while or find another way of working for it, but in a very different manner from what you have done before.
I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I was comparing my job and Napro and feeling like I was making a bad choice, when in fact I was taking care of what I needed first which is my family.
At this time I cannot take any more clients and this hurts, since I have been in their position, but its the reality.
As for my work promting Napro somehow a blog in Spanish to support those facing if comes to mind.
Rather than endless meetings and tons of hours I could work on it a few minutes a day, have several contributors, and put to use all that I am learning about internet in my new job.
I could work at my own peace, rather than the urgent needs of others. I will need to pray about it, but I feel this would be a way to still help, but in a much more controlled manner for me until my circumstances change.
My plan is for the coming days is to turn off all TV and computers and dedicate myself fully to deep prayer and talks with my DH so i make sure that my life is in order