Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Baby-keys, husbands and grief

Monday we had our 4th sesion in the adoption course. The subject was grief.

The session was very, very emotional and we are still feeling the aftermaths 3 days later.

They gave us time to discuss what we were feeling with our DH´s as a couple, write a letter pouring all our feelings on what we had felt and were feeling regarding losing babies, losing the possibility of biological children and the lack of control over everything.

My DH had a heart to heart talk during this time that was very eye opening and that continued the last two nights.

He: the strong in faith, the silent one, my Mary counter to my Marthaness, the very deep Carmelite in spirituality, the always positive, my rock, is still hurting.


He told me he was still grieving that he would not have a child that looked like me and the loss of Miguel. He did not want to tell me as not to worry me, hurt me.

He had always had dreamt of a baby girl that was just like his wife, me. Blond, blue eyed and very, very pale. He did not know why, but in his heart he always felt that this would be our first born. He had always felt very sure of this.

then came the loss of Miguel and he felt, like me that it was a boy. And we named it after the Archangel.

Still the dream of this little girl persisted in his heart.

This was the hardest for him. That somehow this dream that he felt so sure of had been shattered. He felt he could love any child as much as he would love this little girl in his dreams, yet it was hard to face the fact that this dream was only a dream.

He did not understand why we had been given this cross, having done everything right in the eyes of God. We had not had sex before marriage (both virgins that married very late in life), used NFP right from the beginning and done all treatments in the light of Church teaching.

In both of our families we are the ones that everybody expected to be the best parents. Both sets of our parents have suffered right along us this path.

Yet we were surrounded by IVF babies, children conceived out of wedlock and couples that just went off the Pill and had gotten pregnant the very next cycle.

He then began to tell me he loved me very much and was very sad not being able to give me children (we have both male and female factors, yet he feels that his side is the main contributing factor).

That he felt regrets having married me so late (it took him 3 years to make the decision since he did not feel financially ready, I was ready year one) and that he still felt that his heart was still broken over our loss of Miguel, our 9 week old baby, three months ago.

He feels very excited about adoption and his heart is very open to it, yet its very hard for him to let go of this dream. He feels torn.

My heart has been aching so very much for him. I do not want to see him suffer.

He is such a very holy and good person. Amazing with children, his godchilden and nices and nephews and has a faith that I would love our own children to have.

At the end of the course we were given a task for the next weeks when the course will be on recess.

We were given a key. A key that symolizes a baby with a set of instructions.

We need to take care of this key in the coming weeks as if it were a baby. We need to return it in January all dressed up and during the next weeks not leave it alone.

I found my DH last night in the TV room. Left of him I saw my favourite blanket and since it has been very cold so I wanted to use it. He said no.

The key was wrapped in the blanket. He said he was taking care of the key, our baby.

Then at night he wrapped again the key in a warm blanket next to us. He spoke to it in soothing words telling the key good night, to behave well and that he would take good care of it. that he loved it very very much.

It broke my heart.

Why does this amazing man have to suffer so much?


  1. Oh, my heart is breaking for you. I know just how you feel! Your DH sounds like a wonderful man. I'm praying for you on this wonderful feast day!

  2. Oh boy, I hurt for you and your husband. For me, starting the process of adoption initially was like a death. I had to grieve the loss of the blond haired green eyed babies that my husband and I talked about constantly the whole time we were dating. It IS a death, and you have to grieve it. That being said, once a baby is placed in your arms, joy springs up and the grief is gone. I pray that day comes soon for you both and until then you'll remain in my prayers.

  3. oh geez, you're making me cry. i've been realizing more and more that this IF process really is a grieving process for someone that only lived in our hearts. what barbie said gives me so much hope because sometimes it feels like it will never end, which each passing cycle. how wonderful your husband was able to voice all his thoughts. i know that mine tries to be strong and once when i caught the depth of his suffering did i realize that he did feel like i did, he just doesn't show it.

    also, i'm coming to mexico for about a month on Saturday. we will have to meet up, around your busy schedule of course :)

  4. Breaks my heart too. :( So hard to see the ones we love suffering.

  5. Definitely heartbreaking, but your husband does sound amazing. Praying that you'll be parents again very soon.

  6. oh my. what a moving post. I just now saw it and I am moved to tears! You two are amazing.