Monday, December 20, 2010

Breakdown and hopefully a turning point

This weekend I had what you could call a breakdown.

A breakdown that I am not surprised has arrived.

It happened in what should have been a joyous occasion. My parents and siblings were all together for the very first time in months (my sister and her family live in another city) and we were there to start the Christmas celebrations and to celebrate Advent.

I am too embarassed to give details, but somebody in my family mentioned that I was stressed in a very sharp tone in the middle of lunch and I basically broke down in tears in the restaurant and when we came home went to my room refusing to come down for dinner. I could not stop crying.

I ended up in my room for many, many hours crying and very mad at this person whom I love very, very much. How dare him tell me that I am stressed!

Does he not know that I am barely surviving? That somedays I can barely wake up?

I then poured out my heart to my DH and told him how much all of what has happened in the last years has hurt me on a very deep level and shaken me to the core. We had a heart to heart like never before.

I begged God for help. Told Him I could not go on.

I have been feeling like I have been swimming against huge waves and the more I try to reach shore, the farther away it seems. My 2 miscarriages have almost drowned me and on Saturday when this happened I felt with barely the strenght to continue to swim.

Add to this my DH´s lack of direction in his job at 43 and me hiding from most people that I am supporting us in a job I do not like, deaths in both families, many health complications on both sides together with IF (just this year between DH and I we were 7 times in hospitals), financial stresses brought by these crisis, etc.

Basically my life is where I would have never imagined it would be.

And it hurts.


I know that God must have a plan for all of this. I know it in all this darkness.

Yet, it hurts and continues to hurt when I thought it could not hurt more.

And I need help. This has become clear.

And God, I think, has been providing it since Saturday.

I began today by feeling an urgent need to go to Mass early and there I had an amazing confession. I haven´t had the energy for weeks, but today I was able and felt so much peace on my way there.

During confession I was told by the priest a story from his brother which I think was the reason that God wanted me at this Mass:

His brother had lost a newborn baby due to SIDS and he told the priest that he always thought that he would take care of a child, but with the death of the baby he found out that he now would be taken care of by his own child in Heaven.

It left me speechless and in the middle of many tears shed in the confessionary I felt some hope.

That Rafael and Miguel might be taking care of us in all of this, I had been praying to them,, but had not envisioned them watching over us like I would have watched over them .

Not the order of things I would have wanted to live, but that one that makes me feel near them.

And God continued to help today.

I had received on Friday a call by my amazing Catholic local gyn who was checking up on me after the D&C.

He also wanted to check up on me emotionaly and he told me that what we had been living was amazingly hard. Miscarriages back to back after a long time of IF and with medical complications can break the hardiest.

I began to cry and asked him for help. Out of the blue. I never expected it.

I told him that I needed to speak to somebody and asked him if he knew of person that he trusted, that would not start recommending me IVF. He said he would think about it.

And today he called. I did not expect it.

He gave me the name of a person specializing in grief. He had even called her to recommend me to her.

This amazing holy man. A super-numerary from the Opus Dei who is a saint in my eyes.

This woman was expecting my call and due to the inmense respect that she has for him has accepted to see me this week when she is on vacation.

God in the middle of the darkness.


  1. You are so inspirational. I completely understand the breakdown and truly hope things are turning around for you.
    Always such beautiful messages on your blog...thank you...

  2. I'm praying for you during this difficult time, God be with you.

  3. Your breakdown is totally understandable. I would have reacted similarly.

    Your priest sounds amazing!

    You're in my prayers.

  4. I am so sorry you had to hit bottom, though certainly understandable! It sounds like once you did there was nowhere to go but up. And I am encouraged to hear that you are on your way up, not to mention being lifted up by the prayers of so many including myself. I am so grateful that you have such a wonderful doctor in your life that looks after you more than just on a physical level. Such a blessing! (btw, I am working on a recap post re my loss at Christmastime that will be coming soon-please know you are not alone!)

  5. I'm so sorry things were's tough when friends and family don't understand. But I am so glad that God is providing the help you need.

    I just started seeing PPVI's psychologist and it has helped a lot. God bless your doctor for being such a wonderful man.

  6. We are in a very similar place, my friend, and as much as it hurts to be there, it is comforting to know we are not alone and abandoned there.
    Big hugs.

  7. I'm so sorry. But I'm hopeful for you because God is providing you a helpmate. Cling to her, your husband, and God during this time. And know of our prayers for you :)

  8. I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you - honest to goodness. God is with you for sure. I can tell you that He was so close to me when we were struggling with IF, even moreso than now. Just give everyday to him. I used to go to daily mass too and say "just today Lord, I will drink from the suffering cup, but just today" and somehow he would help me. I thought of it like manna. I would only ask for/get the grace to get through one day at a time. I know you can take another stroke, don't look at how big the ocean is! I am so sorry you are hurting beyond what you imagined you could - I remember feeling the same way. It just can't last forever. Blessings on you during this time, many, many blessings!

  9. You are amazing, have I ever told you that? Praying for you! Much love and many hugs!

  10. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing!! I am so happy you leaned on DH and had that heart to heart...sounds like many fruits are coming from surrendering and receiving the sacraments...I will continue to pray!

  11. Oh E, I am so sorry for your pain and grief, but am glad to hear that you will be able to pour out your heart to someone and get some tips on healing. Yes, God in the midst of darkness, very appropriate for the Advent season. God became man in the midst of immense darkness, but the light has not stopped shining. I hope this new turn in your life is the spark that turns into a large flame, burning for the heart of Jesus and full of amazing things! (Oh, and yes, family members can make my blood boil like no one else. I sometimes think they should know better and that is what makes it hurt even worse. I am so sorry.)