A breakdown that I am not surprised has arrived.
It happened in what should have been a joyous occasion. My parents and siblings were all together for the very first time in months (my sister and her family live in another city) and we were there to start the Christmas celebrations and to celebrate Advent.
I am too embarassed to give details, but somebody in my family mentioned that I was stressed in a very sharp tone in the middle of lunch and I basically broke down in tears in the restaurant and when we came home went to my room refusing to come down for dinner. I could not stop crying.
I ended up in my room for many, many hours crying and very mad at this person whom I love very, very much. How dare him tell me that I am stressed!
Does he not know that I am barely surviving? That somedays I can barely wake up?
I then poured out my heart to my DH and told him how much all of what has happened in the last years has hurt me on a very deep level and shaken me to the core. We had a heart to heart like never before.
I begged God for help. Told Him I could not go on.
I have been feeling like I have been swimming against huge waves and the more I try to reach shore, the farther away it seems. My 2 miscarriages have almost drowned me and on Saturday when this happened I felt with barely the strenght to continue to swim.
Add to this my DH´s lack of direction in his job at 43 and me hiding from most people that I am supporting us in a job I do not like, deaths in both families, many health complications on both sides together with IF (just this year between DH and I we were 7 times in hospitals), financial stresses brought by these crisis, etc.
Basically my life is where I would have never imagined it would be.
And it hurts.
I know that God must have a plan for all of this. I know it in all this darkness.
Yet, it hurts and continues to hurt when I thought it could not hurt more.
And I need help. This has become clear.
And God, I think, has been providing it since Saturday.
I began today by feeling an urgent need to go to Mass early and there I had an amazing confession. I haven´t had the energy for weeks, but today I was able and felt so much peace on my way there.
During confession I was told by the priest a story from his brother which I think was the reason that God wanted me at this Mass:
His brother had lost a newborn baby due to SIDS and he told the priest that he always thought that he would take care of a child, but with the death of the baby he found out that he now would be taken care of by his own child in Heaven.
It left me speechless and in the middle of many tears shed in the confessionary I felt some hope.
That Rafael and Miguel might be taking care of us in all of this, I had been praying to them,, but had not envisioned them watching over us like I would have watched over them .
Not the order of things I would have wanted to live, but that one that makes me feel near them.
And God continued to help today.
I had received on Friday a call by my amazing Catholic local gyn who was checking up on me after the D&C.
He also wanted to check up on me emotionaly and he told me that what we had been living was amazingly hard. Miscarriages back to back after a long time of IF and with medical complications can break the hardiest.
I began to cry and asked him for help. Out of the blue. I never expected it.
I told him that I needed to speak to somebody and asked him if he knew of person that he trusted, that would not start recommending me IVF. He said he would think about it.
And today he called. I did not expect it.
He gave me the name of a person specializing in grief. He had even called her to recommend me to her.
This amazing holy man. A super-numerary from the Opus Dei who is a saint in my eyes.
This woman was expecting my call and due to the inmense respect that she has for him has accepted to see me this week when she is on vacation.
God in the middle of the darkness.