Friday, December 3, 2010

My life plan and why I am struggling

Recently JBTC posted about the Myer Briggs test and I decided to do it again.

It has gotten me thinking a lot and it has shaken me. I have been musing over it for the last 2 days. It kept me up awake last night.

It has made so very clear in my eyes why I am sttruggling and why am exhausted.

I have too many things in my life, no balance and my personality type is not helping.

I used to have a life plan. One where I wrote how I wanted to live my life.I was taught this by a numerary from the Opus Dei and it was an amazing tool to guide me.

I followed it a long time and my life was balanced. Purpose filled.

The life plan I did contains 7 areas in which I expressed my ideal life and my prioritites and purpose in each one. They are: Work/ professional, Family (DH, children and extended), Faith, Health, Social (Friends), Money/Financial and Cultural.

Each thing has a place and when one area overtakes the other your life becomes a mess, you focus too much on an area and lose sight of a balance.

I was never perfect and I always sttriving for balance, yet I felt more content, more in control. Like life was worth living.

Right now Work/ professional and Money/Financial have overtaken my life.

Work/professional in terms both of my full time job and also Napro and Money/Financial since the whole weight of this is on my shoulders. DH has no stable job and its seems further away than ever in the next months.

I am right now at a time where I feel overwhelmed with decisions and work and with no clear direction. And I hate it. The test told me why I have reached this point.

I am an INFJ which is called, a Protector.

The Protector got me thinking and as I read the description I was amazed how well it exemplifies what I am going through right now.

Why I have not been following my life plan. Why I feel so lost.

You have in the test several areas: If you are Introverted or extroverted. I am introverted, but slightly. I have a wide range of aquaintances, but few real friends. If I have been with tons of people a long time I need to reframe and tend to stay home and read for a few days. I need to go back to myself.

Its clear I am in need my own time and have not been giving it to myself.

I get daily calls and emails for Napro here, calls from the local practitioners even if I am not their supervisor (general advice on how to manage the daily logistics, how to fundraise, how we will develop things, etc), as I do not have an office my clients call me at all times and I meet them sometimes at home etc. I have not established clear boundaries. And its very difficult for me since I love it.

I work full time for Latin America, I am in the process to become a practitioner, I am working daily to help bring Napro here, I am in the process of adoption and I am trying to heal myself in case God wills us to get pregnant again and ....I manage a house.

All could be full time jobs. Sigh. My Protector side makes me want to say yes to everybody.

I have not respected my own need for time alone, nor rest.

But there is more that describes the state of things. The description says:

" their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees".

YEP, above onself. So I have put other priorities above my own. So my boss, employees and clients have come above everything.

" Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world".

YEP and its not good when you put others above yourself. I have been doing it. My boss has been sick most of the year and I have taken over many of his tasks. i have protected him.

I have no been excercising, my diet is a joke, I have been protecting my employees way to much.

"Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changin"

YEP.... I am not happy. Napro has not been established here and all is open, in the air. There are no rules, no office hours, no location, no clear way how we are going to establish it here. So.....I am struggling.

"Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need."

YEP, yes, yes, yes.... but what happens when you are tired or working through your own grief? when your thyroid is not working?

"Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid"

haha.... I almost cry. I spend nights trying to work for Napro...

"Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done."

Yep.... I am doing it with Napro.... and my office job...

"Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible."


"To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve"

haha! Since my DH job is still unstable I am overworking to compensate. I am saving, worrying about money, planning for the future.

I has become painfuly clear that I need to go back to basics. To put my life in order. To write down my priorites and search for the ever elusive balance.


  1. Friend, you are on overload! Remember the quote, "Be still and know that I am God." I don't mean just sit there, but yes, give yourself some me time sweetie. All that you do is very impressive...I'd love to meet you!

  2. Sorry that you are so overloaded. It does sound like your personality type (and did you ISFJ which is protector...INFJ is counselor, which is what I am) makes you feel even more overwhelm by all that's going on right now.

  3. Oh my dear friend, I am sorry life seems so overwhelming right now. Is there any way you can cut back at your day job? I know you said that your DH's job is unstable, but would it be possible to cut down to 80% even? I found that I was driving myself crazy and was lacking peace because I couldn't do everything that I wanted, or in some cases I needed to do. The conclusion for me was to cut back at work, but if this not availabe to you, I will pray you will find something that will help you find the peace you are looking for. Peace is elusive and I definitely don't have it most of the time, but I have noticed this Advent has been different from the others thus far because I am not forcing a lot of things to get done, I have less ambition (e.g., planning a Christmas party for here at the house, planning cookie baking, etc.). If we go one year without us undertaken these things which take a lot of time and energy and while fun, could possibly suck the joy and energy out of me and leave me tired and crabby.

    Sorry this is so long. Please know of my prayers.