Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Being held by the Virgin (and my prayer buddy)

If you would have told me that I would be writing this I would have said you were crazy. Yet here I am. I cannot even believe this all has happened in the last days.

My prayer buddy must be working overtime since I am still alive.

Yesterday we found out we had conceived.

Us, the couple that it took 3.5 years to conceive the first time conceived 3 months later again when we were not actively trying, where there were not clear signs of ovulation, progesterone was almost non existant and I was not doing all the things that I thought had helped the first time (acupuncture, herbs, excercise, meditation, etc).

We also found out that I was in the process of miscarriage.

I had been pregnant a couple of weeks without knowing it and what I had been thinking was my period was the signs of an ongoing miscarriage. The second one in 3.5 months.

We took the news hard.

Yet felt much more peace than the 1st time. This time The Virgin Mary has been all over this.

All had begun really on the Feast of the Inmaculate Conception and went on through the Feast of our Lady of Guadalupe and ended in a convent.

My period or what I thought was my period had arrived that day, yet it was different. I knew deep within myself someting was off.

The very next day, the Feast of San Juan Diego, the bleeding had increased substantially and on Friday I was very, very scared. I had asked for prayers here and many people wrote that they had been praying. My local doctor advised that we go for an U/S as soon as the bleeding lessened.

I was very afraid to go again to the U/S doctor where I had found out we had lost Miguel. I could not bear it. So I did not do it on Monday.

During the weekend I tested to see if I was pregnant and it came out negative so I was thinking something else was going on. I was still uneasy, but decided to concentrate on something else.

This weekend was the Feast of our Lady of Guadalupe and I meditated a lot on Her words to Juan Diego. That we should not be afraid of sickness, that She is there and is Our Mother. I even wrote about it here.

I had no clue on what I was actually living and I would need to live those words.

Monday came and I decided not to do the U/S. I was stil afraid.

Then came yesterday. I asked the Virgin to give me strenght to go to this place. During the U/S the doctor, an amazing woman that had lost 3 pregnancies, told us that she was almost 100% sure I had been pregnant.

Me? Was she sure? My God.

Then she mentioned that most probably my doctor would let nature run its course.

We go to the chapel of the hospital and pray. I see a little paper where somebody had printed the Magnificat. We pray it. We also decided to name the baby Rafael, Raphael in English for the archangel.

I joke and tell my DH we have 2 angels in heaven, but hopefully God does not want another so he can have now a Gabriel, pur only missing archangel. He laughs and tells me in a very serious voice:
"E. we are parents of 2 angels, we are priviledged, do not forget this".

He smiles and I know he means it.

The next hours were a blurr. We tried to locate my doctor and could not and decided to make and appointment and luckily he had one open early. I was driving around not even knowing where I was heading.

We arrived at his office and he confirmed the findings. I had been pregnant. No doubt in his mind and he agreed with the U/S doctor.

And he added that I needed another D&C at the same exact hospital where we had lost Miguel and also where I had been treated for 4 horrible days of complications. The very next day since from what he saw there was a risk of infection or continued anemia.

My worst possible fear had become reality.

We left his office in complete shock. We called our priest and could not find him. We left a message so they could pray for us.

We called our friends, the contemplative nuns of St John, to ask for their prayers and they do not answer the phone. I think that they might be away.

My DH decides to go and knock on their door to ask if we can go in and pray in their chapel. (the doctors office is only 2 blocks from them). I feel its crazy, but we do it.

We knock, one of them opens and in the back I see another. She hugs me.

I start to cry like there is not tomorrow.

They just received a call from the person that had answered in the parish.

We sit out of their small chapel while they pray.

There is beautiful stone image of Our Lady of Guadalupe filled with flowers right in front of us. She is looking at us.

They start to sing in Latin the Magnificat in the chapel.

The exact same prayer I have in my pocket from the chapel in the hospital.

I feel tremendous peace. Feel those words deep within myself

The priest arrives, the exact priest we were looking for. His name: Juan Diego. the name of the Indian to whom the virgin appeared.

We tell him what has happened, he did not know. He feels inmense sadness. He is there for the 7 p.m Mass and had just arrived 5 minutes after us.

We are invited to join a convent of 6 contemplative nuns, all very young, that cover us in prayer, for their private Mass.

The Mass is dedicated to us and our intentions.

The subject: The cross since is the Feast day of St John of the Cross. Since my DH is a 3rd order Carmelite its a very important day. He feels consolation.

After the Mass the priest calls us into the refectory. He tells us not to give up in the quest to be parents, but also that I should not give us my work for Napro.

I tell him that I cannot believe that this is happening. It seems almost a punishment for working for Life.

I tell him paraphrasing st. Teresa de Avila: "If this is how You treat your friends, no wonder you have so few". Why are we given the cross of IF and then miscarriage and not only once, but twice.

I also tell him that I cannot be sick. This is the very week I need to deliver most of my work that I had not done due to my 1st miscarriage. I will not be able to graduate. It will be almost impossible.

He tells us that we have a mission and that we must offer this and whatever else for this. He is sure that God is with us, more than ever. He says it in such a way that peace again fills my heart.

We leave and the sisters tell us they will continue to pray for us and Rafael.

If you would have asked me a few days ago if I would have survived another miscarriage and another D&C I would have said no. I would have died.

Yet here I am. At home recuperating from my second miscarriage and D&C in less than 4 months. Sad and in disbelieve, but with strenght and peace.

thank you prayer buddy and Our Lady

She is with Us.


  1. Oh, E, I am so, so sorry. I'll continue to pray for you.

  2. Oh goodness. I'm so sorry this has happened. Prayers for you.

  3. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. Indeed, you are very close to Our Lady, and she is keeping very close to you.

  4. I'm so very sorry. Praying for you.

  5. Oh my heart hurts for you. I am praying for you. But I am so glad you are feeling peace. Much love to you from Omaha tonight!!

  6. My heart is broken. I can think of nothing to say to soothe yours at this time, and it pains me so much because you have been one of the most supportive and faithful friends I could ever ask for.
    I wish I understood. But I don't. What I do understand is that God loves you. VERY much. And Mary is sooooo close to you, her daughter who has such great devotion to her.
    I am still in my year of Archangel Raphael (my patron Saint 2010), so I will ask him to please pray for you, your DH, and his namesake up in heaven with him.

    E, I am so sorry.

  7. I'm so sorry. :( You are in my prayers, and I know your little saints in heaven are praying their hearts out for their Mommy and Daddy here on Earth.

  8. so sorry dear. I can barely type after reading this. I truly hope you continue to find peace in all of this- I'll be praying for you as always.

  9. My heart is breaking for you... At the same time, I can actually FEEL that strength and peace! She IS with you!!

    Sending big hugs, LOTS of Love and the promise of prayers!!

  10. I can hardly believe what I am reading right now E. This is so very painful, I know, and I am lifting you up in prayer as I type and beyond today and tomorrow. I am terribly sorry and thankful at least that you do have a greater inner peace this time. Our Lady does love you and is holding you up during a time when you are unable to hold yourself up.

    God bless you sweet friend....

  11. I am so sorry you had to suffer another loss like this. I have no words to offer that can take this pain away other than to let you know I'm praying for you, your husband, little Michael and Rafael.

  12. I am so very sorry E. Nothing seems sufficient or adequate to write. St. Juan Diego, pray for us! St. Raphael, pray for us! I will be praying for you.

  13. Oh, E! I hated reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. Beautiful name for your beautiful saint.

  14. I am so sorry for your loss....My prayers are with you and my heart aches for you....

    In what was a tragic day for you, your story how you were covered in His mercy and tender love was very beautiful. Our Lady surely has you hidden in her cloak even is she can not stop your suffering she is close to you.

  15. I am so sorry you are experiencing this loss again, and so soon.

    I pray God's Grace sustains you. God bless you!